You've got a festering wound. It takes time to heal and as it heals it will itch and u'll feel a strong need to scratch and pick at it.

It's going to be a bumpy ride as you oscillate between wanting to be with her (this is where u'll blame yourself for not doing enough) AND hating her (anger directed externally).

This is completely rational, but remember there's a reason you didn't put your all into it - and that's probably quite telling as to how you truly felt about her/the relationship.

So you need something more for the first, and the later part will just distance you from her (anger to some extent serves a self preservation purpose). When you blame yourself have some sort of a contingency plan. You can journal where you write about the content of your experience (the feelings with you as the focus), contact a friend, meditate (highly recommend), go for a run or anything to help transmute these feelings WITHOUT diluting them or trying to force them away which never works.

You are definitely right regarding the oscillation.

I think the most depressing thing for me ultimately that has made me very upset is that this is my second LTR and the second time a girl has cheated on me.

The first girl I was with in hindsight I should have seen it coming with her personality, but my current or so to ex is completely different. I never would have expected her to do this.

Im thinking at the moment,being 30 years old if I will ever find some sort of happiness long, I know that is a ridiculous statement to make but I'm feeling very jaded.

The roller-coaster of thoughts and emotions are terrible as you say, my brain sometimes settles for a while and I enjoy myself then it hits me.

I know deep down that ending this relationship truly is the answer, but parts of my brain realise that all of my friends are now married, the scary thing is half of them starting going out half way through my current one! Also the fact that I dont know if I can hit the bar scene anymore its not really for me.
Opportunities to meet new women are slim in-between, my only option is perhaps online.

When I read back what I just wrote I realise to myself how sad and needy that statement is, I am clinging on to someone who I know hurt me and most likely will not bring me long term happiness but yet the brain has traces of hope.

"bla bla bla, excuses, bla bla more excuses. bla bla, hey look, another excuse"

That was my thought process reading this. I get it, change is scary. But it's a small price to pay compared to a lifetime of misery. You're a grown ass man. Try acting like it. You're capable of more than you know.

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We have decided to have some time apart from each other for a bit.

She came over on Tuesday and we talked, she regrets what she did but did wonder if we can trust each other again.

As much as I hate to say it I feel like I still love her, I know that a part of my brain telling me that because of the circumstances and her losing out of love with me.

We decided to continue with our holiday next week which is on Tuesday, even if its the wrong thing to do I would like to at least see what happens and how I feel when we are together.

S-it man..i feel for you..im coming from there,not for 8 years(thank GOD) but i had and still have the "bumpy rides" AKA (I HATE YOU-I HATE ME)..Best thing is to talk with a friend OUT of your "primary circle" like someone who doesn't know your ex,or your other friends..it helps a lot man..and you are 30?30 is like 20 in this era..im 26 and im just starting having "relationships" after a lifetime of crazy chicks and booty calls..bro i lived with people who where 38,single,in a room,and working on a minimal wage..and they don't give a fack..go out and just "socialize" meet new people,you will know a lot of great girls..BUT remember man..never EVER..be egoist at bed..if you make a girl cum,they will follow you everywhere..Believe that;)

With all due respect, the majority of us experienced guys on this site have seen this happen over and over again as though it were a script.

You'd discovered she'd cheated on you just over a week ago and already are going on a vacation with her. You've reinforced in her mind that it's ok for her to have done what she did (in spite of the guilt she'd felt) that she can pretty much do whatever she pleases and u'll take her back with minimal effort on her part.

As hard as it may be I'd have taken a month or two away, let her take full accountability of the situation (the cheating specifically as you played a role in the broken relationship too) before giving the relationship another go. Things are WAY too fresh, you're in a vulnerable spot with somebody where the trust has been broken. Right now you're going with your attachment rather than rationale as you KNOW what the 'right' thing to do is, you aren't stupid. You're torn and this will play with your mind even if the trip goes seemingly well it'll be looming in the recesses of your mind the fact she'd cheated.

I'm not saying never give it another chance but this is too soon, and an over-eager move on your part as far as I am concerned but at this point I am well aware I am preaching to the choir. I'm telling the addict not to take another hit in spite of him having the syringe in hand ready to shoot-up.

I can also tell you the statistics are extremely low for couples to have healthy relationships after a partner has cheated , and a lot of clients who seek-out therapy are the ones who are up at 3 am worrying about their partner's fidelity ("should I stay in this relationship or go?"). Once you've made a sacrifice in one of your values (I am assuming you don't value cheating in your ideal mate) it becomes a slippery slope where soon you sacrifice more, lose parts of your identity and before long are in this giant hole looking up wondering how you got there - I know, I've been there and seen this countless times with others.

I am painting an ominous picture, I know. Right now you're being led astray by your attachment (and ego as well), but at the end of the day this is your lesson to learn and nobody can talk you out of it.

Good luck

+1 This statement irks me. From what I understand up until this point is that she is the one that cheated. What, besides going through her phone, makes you untrustworthy? Everything that I've read, unless I missed something, is that she cheated while you simply neglected her. Something isn't adding up.

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He is rewarding bad behaviour. She knows she has a chode for a boyfriend that she can cheat on him in front of his eye's and he will always still forgive her no matter the violation.

OP- You have no respect for yourself, she sure as shit doesn't respect you either.

If you would have worked hard on being good with women, then she probably would be forgotten by now.

You should do the walk of shame like at the end of game of thrones.

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This guy's trying to take the shortcut route by being lead by his emotional attachment. The unfortunate part is it will further lead him off course and derailed from having any true sense of purpose. That said this is his lesson to learn and when fails to learn from his or her circumstance, the universe has an uncanny way of rehashing the same lesson until it is learned.

The "regret" part irked me too not because of anything t she'd said rather due to his mentality of "oh she feels bad so that's good enough". As another poster stated she knows she's dealing with a man operating from a very weak frame. There will be far more pain endured before he grows from this and moves on, but as of now this guy Is taking what he feels he deaerves and will rationalize his decisions to continue on this downward path and give her a virtual free pass card on her behavior so long as she 'feels bad'/regrets her piss poor behavior (which she chose),

I wasn't going to reply, in fact I feel ashamed as the advice given on here has been great and I have went against most of it but I feel you guys deserve one.

We went on holiday and had a good time , we had the best sex we have had in years, much more adventurous. However during the day she showed very little forms of affection or PDA and towards the end of the holiday she seemed less interested.

Towards the end of the holiday she said she wasn't ready to move back in with me because we needed more time. I am due to meet her on Saturday however and my head is all over the place. One minute I hate her one minute I love her. She still hasn't texted me at all since she left yesterday however.

I know in my heart that it is time to move on, I know this is stupid but I can't help it at the moment.
If this adhoc style of seeing each other continues I will have to end it and separate for a while. A part of me thinks that this incident could open up a door of new attraction for us , the other half knows that this is my justification for her actions.

Heres what I can summarise why I haven't split up with her yet:

I cannot stand the thought of her going with another guy if we break up, it honestly tears me apart.
For some reason I find her soooo attractive right now and the sex is keeping me lingering on for each meeting with her.

The major blow for me is that it has really dented my self confidence , as how can someone who has known me for 8 years simply have a ONS and not think about what would happen to my feelings?

If life had a fast forward button this would one of the few times where I would skip this entire year.

Well, at least you're honest and you know you're being lame-o

What you don't seem to understand is. There is no foundation. So she will fuck some other dude at some point and you will end up being single and dry very soon. We all know it. You know it. It is inevitable.

Like we have mentioned. This stuff usually gets solved if you were good with women. A guy that is good with Women would not waste another second on her.

It seems that you're diseased but you just don't want to put in the effort into the solution.

an alternative, just continue to fuck her and chase other girls. Monkey branch theory. Hope to meet a new girl that will allow you to crow bar you away from your ex. Perhaps a loyal girl that is x2 better looking and cooler

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You've succumbed to attachment fear. As I stated to another poster, this isn't real love its more about your narcissism than anything. You FEEL in your body that this isn't right but you're walking into the burning building anyway. I can tell you from personal experience it will get infinitely worse for you. Your self-confidence will plummet to depths you'd never imagined.

U'll learn your lesson. We cannot help you, nor fix you. This is for you to figure out on your own.

The bad news? You're going to go through a lot more heartbreak. The good news? U'll grow immensely from this.

You're in your own bondage now.

We cannot help you.

You're abandoning yourself.

Through suffering, however, there will be opportunities for you to seek your own salvation.

Sorry man. I kinda see where the fear may be coming from. 8 years with someone... Whether the relationship was bad or good that's a long time if you're still in your 20s. A lot of your habits are tied to this girl. A lot of your friends and family are used to you 2. It's gonna be rough to go single after all that. This relationship most likely will not work but I can kinda see why it would be so difficult to walk away. Take the advice here if you can.

I am sure no one here expects you to get over an 8 year relationship just like that. I understand that it will take a while. However, I hope you don't go into a depression and plummet all the way down. if you notice these things, try to change it immediately. I gained 15 pounds after I broke up with my girlfriend and she left me to fend for myself after leaving the apartment. I had two stress ridden months after her. What does help though, is focusing on time on yourself and sleeping with other girls. After I broke up with my girl of 1.5 years, it was like a horse out of the gate. Slept with 7 chicks and dated 12. Not bad eh. Then again, I still had some basics down and I picked up where I left off in my seduction studies.


It won't get better with you waiting around for her. You will realize it is pathetic if you really notice it your behavior


. Waiting all day for her text...thinking about her...thinking about what went wrong, what you did wrong, maybe it was all your fault, maybe it was her your fault...maybe if you tell her this or this it will get you guys back together...maybe if you tell her how you feel you will both fall in love again...maybe if you guys just spend more time together...


nah man...I think you just need more hard hitting truths from people around you...get a support system, because it is going to be a bumpy ride till your mind is right.



Even now, I have a minor one-itus with one of my chicks and am very aware of it. I need to devote less time to her and more time to me and possibly other girls to get back into equilibrium.

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