How to keep a girl, 2017 edition.
Since the relationship subforum is teeming with more or less the same issues, since forever, here's some prevention material.
First thing's first: Happiness
A relationship, partner or attachment can not be your crutch. You cannot be in a healthy and successful relationship, before you lead a healthy and successful, single, lifestyle. That means you need to not need anyone else but yourself, to feel complete.
Don't take this lightly, it's perhaps the single most important reason the vast majority of people, men and women alike, have their love life in complete ruin.
When the career/academic aspect is lacking, the social aspect is lacking, or your self imagage is lacking (fattie), your relationship will quickly become a crutch for those in one, or some delusion of salvation for those seeking one. That is the definition of neediness. If your emotional well being depends on others, you will gradually turn into nothing more than a soul sucking parasite.
I know this isn't a switch you turn on and off, but simply be aware of it. If you have problems in your life, deal with them. And more often than not that doesn't happen overnight, but it does set you on the right path and that gives you a sense of independence and confidence, that gradually increases along the way. Stop procrastinating.
Secondly: Your girlfriend is not "your everything"
If I watch Assassin's Creed, I won't go around jumping from building tops into haystacks. Following the same logic, if I see a romantic comedy I won't suddenly believe that my girlfriend should be the center of my universe.
I'm sorry but sappy declarations of love, desperate last minute cab rides to the airport, and her realizing what a great guy you are after being fucked over by several assholes is not a thing. It simply isn't, not in real life.
- Never make your girlfriend the most important thing in your life. She does not want you to. Her top obtainable rank should be #2, right below your own self.
Ok? Simple enough?
Now before you go thinking this is selfish, un-romantic, inconsiderate and whatever else, give it some thought. Tell me how many times you, or someone you know, had their girlfriend tell them "they've changed" and that "they're not who they used to be"?
Remember the frustration? The shouting of "I DID EVERYTHING FOR HER"? Irony is, the girl is right. Prior to her, you were your top priority, and that made you, you. Now, everything you do is for her. That's not the guy she fell in love with. That's a guy she'd have never fallen in love with. Women don't want their asses kissed. If they did, they wouldn't have orbiters, they'd have a shitload of fuck buddies.
On the same note, when I say you should be your top priority, I mean that in multiple aspects. You, your needs, your hobbies, your preferences, everything that is you. Do not ever give that up for anyone. That said, don't be an extremist either. A girlfriend means a new person you now do stuff with. If your friends invite you out and you don't feel like going, you'd rather spend that time with your girlfriend, then spend that time with your girlfriend. If they invite you out and you want to go, but your girlfriend feels like staying in, then go out without her.
Which leads me to my next point.
Third: Have lives
Lives outside the relationship. Over time I've had girls that had interest in some of my hobbies, and no interest in others. I've had girls that I had interest in some of their hobbies, and no interest in others.
Just a few days ago I was talking to a female friend who was pissed she wanted to take dancing lessons. So take lessons, I said. She then replied her boyfriend isn't into dancing. So take lessons, I said, again. I figured it out already, but she started explaining that he doesn't like dancing, and doesn't want her to go dancing with other guys either because it's inappropriate. I won't even address the severe needy undertone here.
That's sad. A relationship should enhance your life, it shouldn't weigh down on it.
Anyway, if your girls hobby interest you or vice versa, feel free to practice some together. Feel free not to as well. It's alright to not do everything together. Encouraged even.
- Do not suffocate each other, and be in each other's presence 24/7. Keep a healthy balance in your life.
I mean this in the sense of privacy. Have it. Don't be that couple that shares Facebook passwords because "they have nothing to hide". That's beyond cringe-worthy and translates to "We're so insecure we need to checkup on each-other on a constant basis".
Do not ever snoop your girlfriends phone either, and obviously, do not ever accept having your phone snooped in return.
If you feel the need to to that, it's either because you're insecure and think she's more than you can have, or, in other words, that you got lucky, in which case you're not ready for a relationship.
You don't trust her. And if she's giving you reason to be that suspicious, why are you in this relationship to begin with?
Sex, and how important it is
Short answer: very.
Long answer: veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery.
It's not the absolute most important part, but a relationship with no sex is called marriage. So unless you're married, the relationship is in it's dying phase. The frequency is not extremely relevant because it's highly relative to the initial pattern. Every relationship starts off with more sex (or should start like that), and then it will find it's pace. There's a lot of factors that play into this, like how often you see each other, your work schedules, logistics, your sex drives and so on. Historically speaking, for me it tends to average at 2/3 times we see each other. So if we see each other 3 times a week, that's sex two times a week. If we see each other 7 times a week, that's sex 5 times a week.
Anyway, like I said, not very relevant. What is relevant, however, is if this pattern meets a decrease in frequency after it has formed. If you paced out at sex 5 times a week and now you're suddenly having it once every two weeks, you got a problem.
The reason this happens is because she's not enjoying the sex. And sex can be unenjoyable for a woman for generally two reasons.
1. You suck at it.
2. You've turned doormat and she gets drier than Sahara just at the thought of you touching her.
In a lot of cases however, it tends to be both.
We've already addressed how and why you shouldn't be the guy she cannot respect, so let's go over you not sucking:
1. The psychical
Firstly, you need an understanding of female sexuality. The physical is all well and good, but if you want to be the guy that blows her mind you need to learn to work the mind. Do not underestimate the power of dirty talk. Please please please do not. You can refine you stroking and oral is not rocket science, but dirty talking is an art and her mind is your canvas.
Slamming your hand in a woman's throat and then throwing her against the wall is not physical stimulation, it's psychical. It's her feeling at your mercy.
Protip: If calling her a slut makes her moan, calling her your slut will make her wild.
Anyway, you won't be comfortable with this at first, and treat lightly if you must, but by all means, tread. Start off light and gauge her reactions. Get a feel for what she likes and what she's impartial about. Some girls love hearing how good they feel while others enjoy being called dirty little whores.
Either way never be afraid to offend. A woman not liking a particular appellative is fine, but her taking offense to it during dirty talk is a sign of sexual immaturity. And that's on her.
Sex God Method is a decent read on the topic.
As far as positions go, keep it generally simple - but diverse. What I mean by that is you don't have to buy a kama sutra book. Truth is, most positions are ineffective. Use them sparingly if you happen to like them or for fun, but when it comes to their own pleasure every girls has one or two favorites that get them off. It's usually got to do with her g-spot and how prone it is to being hit.
And the diversity can come from context. Scenery is a cool angle to work. Have an elevator in your building? How about a spot that overlooks the city? Club bathroom? Woods? Car? Rooftop? Parking lot? Your roommates' bed? Middle of a football stadium? Your roommates bed?
You don't have to be into all of that. I've never had sex in a parking lot in my entire life.
Either way, just expand your field of vision beyond the bedroom. Your girlfriend should expect the unexpected from you. Give her a unique experience every now and then. You'd be surprised to know how little of them she's ever had.
Bad oral for women is the equivalent of teeth for you. You hate it, and so does she. Don't just "wing it" and hope it works out. She Comes First is basically a how to for dummies. Book contains enough info for you to get her to orgasm through oral on a first try.
Also if you're the type of guy that "doesn't go down on a woman", you're limiting your and her sexual experience by vast margins. Also keep in mind that what she can't from you she'll eventually get from someone else.
Should be obvious. Pick her up, throw her around, pin her down, tie her up, etc. Don't just stand there. Also, don't be afraid to be vocal. Unless you're having sneak-sex, a mute experience is not fun.
Give and expect, but firstly give. Unfortunately, our dicks are not pleasure producing, round the clock factories. If she can cum 5 times and keep going while you can cum once and then need downtime, the way to go is obvious.
Also, I'm sorry to blow up your ego guys, but "women not being able to cum from intercourse alone" is a myth. I never met one. (In before replies contradicting me)
I have however been with women with whom the sexual chemistry just wasn't there, but I knew very well that "inability to cum" was not the issue. If she is physically healthy, she can cum.
That said, there's hoards of dudes running around thinking porn-sex is pleasurable sex, so don't be surprised when a woman genuinely believes she can't cum. She most certainly can. She just never did.
When expecting pleasure, don't ask. Never, ever ask. Don't ask for oral, grab your mini-you and stick it in her face. She'll get the memo. And trust me, it'll turn her on. Just like her pushing your head between her legs will turn you on exponentially more than if she were to shyly ask if you'd go down on her.
In a nutshell that's what being dominant is.
To end the subject, you are not *good at sex* because the women you've been with told you you're the best they've ever had. For all you know she said the same thing to every other guy she's dated. You are good at sex when the women you've been with shared a habit of constantly pestering you for sex.
Remember, actions, not words.
Women are emotional, men are logical
We've seen that thrown around here and there, and whichever your interpretation is, generally speaking women are more emotionally attuned than men. And emotions, by the way, are not just mushy and lovey dovey. Passion is an emotion. Excitement is. Desire as well. The best way to emotionally connect with a woman is sex.
The best way to destroy an emotional connection is by being needy and jealous.
Other superb ways of fucking it up are playing stupid games and being a "poo-ah". I'll point hot women out and ask my girlfriend if we should take them home on a regular basis. I don't do that to fuck with her, I do it because it's amusing and it's who I am. It's who I was from day one.
If she calls me when I'm in a meeting, and I can't pick up, I'll tell her to stop disturbing me from having sex.
And if she's acting highly affectionate, I'll tell her to stop before she gives me diabetes.
The point is, it's all in good fun. At no moment am I being malicious or trying to even remotely hurt her, "keep her in line", or force myself into "being a challenge". So she takes everything as playful teasing, and she returns the favor whenever she can. Similar to how you and your best friend behave.
And if she's ever upset, always be aware or her emotions. More often than not you can brush her logical protests aside and get to the root of the problem by simply asking "What made you feel this way?" and then calmly, and in a controlled manner, encourage her to open up.
You girl needs to firmly believe you're her best option. Not just her best option, but the best option. She needs to be proud with you and she needs to be proud of calling herself your girlfriend. You will never achieve this by trying to undermine her and say shit like "I'm the best you'll ever have". You will achieve it if you live without fear of losing her however. Nobody wants to lose their girl, but the prospect of that happening should not terrify you. If she happens to find someone that manages to fit her needs better, then cool. You'll get over it.
So work on you. Get your shit together and be a winner. That's the only thing you can control. And that inadvertently brings value to her own life.
Trust is one of the most important staples of a relationship. Don't be with someone you don't trust, or you don't trust anymore. If you have to be suspicious of her words or actions, then is that her bringing value to your life, or is it her taking value away from it?
It's not a good life, so don't be part of it.
Being the man
You might think you're doing her a favor by letting her choose where to eat tonight. And every other night. And most guys will agree. But in reality, you're placing a burden on her shoulders. Women want to be given choice, not forced into making one.
Same applies for where you want to go out. What you wanna do. Where you wanna do it. The entire situation ties into the concept of leading. Be the one that comes up with a suggestion. If she likes it, cool. If not, ask for an alternative and find something that works for you both. But always come with an initial gameplan. And let's be honest, how hard is that? As I'm writing this I feel like grabbing some pizza. But I can't, because I'm trying to cut. So sushi is a nice alternative.
You always have a preference. So express it.
Be emotionally centered
Don't be the guy that starts bar fights because a dude from across the table is looking at your girl. If someone is being actually aggressive towards her, yes, step in. But unless that's the case don't be that guy. It's pathetic, and your girl will never feel safe at your side if she knows you're a trigger happy hot head.
Her feeling safe is directly related to how in control you are of any given situation, and not by how overly manly you think you are.
1. Guys.. talk to your girlfriend. If you have an issue with whatever she's doing, talk to your girlfriend. And if you feel like you can't talk to her then why the hell is she holding the girlfriend title? Don't be the dude that comes to this forum and creates the same topic five times, because he's terrified of looking weak. If you're terrified of looking weak, guess what, you are.
If you're in the right, stand up for yourself.
Communication is crucial to any successful relationship. That's how you nurture trust and security. She must know you'll never judge her, and you must be comfortable with your own self to not be afraid of expression. But most importantly she needs to believe she can be open with you. If she knows she can talk to you you'll never have to deal with passive aggressive bullshit. She doesn't have to act a certain way to deliver a message if she can simply do it maturely and constructively.
Since we're on this topic of communication, never make demands and never give ultimatums. Equally as important, never take demands and never tolerate ultimatums.
2. Never argue emotion with logic
In arguments, if any should arise, as I've said before, tackle the feeling behind the protest, and not the protest itself. If your girl seems to not make any logical sense, that's because she's not looking to prove a point, but rather to be understood.
3. Don't "white lie"
White lies are supposed this thing where you in order to not hurt someone's feelings, you lie about a certain topic. Otherwise it has no significance.
- Her insisting that she did in fact cum
- You insisting her cooking doesn't suck
- You insisting she doesn't look fat in that dress
- Her claiming she only slept with 3 guys before you
Things of that nature. I don't really understand why people do this because it is the definition of stagnation. You'll never improve something if you live under the impression that you're great at it, while, in reality, you suck.
Be honest, but do it in a constructive manner, not in a nagging way.
You will never be 100% compatible with each other. If you ever hear a couple say they're made for each other, you can expect them to break up anywhere between 3 - 12 months.
You'll have slight divergences, but what's relevant is whether or not you can live with them, or even if they bother you at all. Like I said, have standards and hold people to them, but don't have double standards.
LDR's don't work
Friend of mine has a saying: "In a LDR, all 4 of them are happy". That would actually be the best case scenario, but the more realistic one is that 2 of them are happy while the 3rd is creating threads on mPUA. LDR's don't work, plain and simple. I mean if you've been together for 2 years and then for whatever reason need to be separated 3 months, sure, that can work. But if you need to be separated for more than 10-15% of your total time together, you may just want to consider your options.
Don't spend absurd amounts of money on your girlfriend. And don't date women that expect you to do such. A purse worth twice your monthly salary will not be as well received as a gift that implies you've listened.
Your girlfriend will drop unintentional ques of small things she likes/wants during conversation all the time. Just pay attention and make a mental note for later.
A relationship is a carefully built dam. Once fissures appear, you have two options.
Drain the lake and move on to building a better one, with better suiting materials.
Stay and become a fixer. The problem with that is, a fissure is never an isolated event. Once the first one appears, more are to follow. Before you know it you'll find yourself in a situations where fissures appear faster than you can fix them, and the entire structure will come crashing down on you sooner than you think. Don't take the hard way out. Be smart and walk away before that happens. You'll be miles ahead if you do.
That's it. Follow these principles and your relationship will compliment your life, as it should, instead of being another burden.