Hi guys

Could use a bit of advice.

Lydia, a colleague in a different department at work, and I have had this thing for months. Always going on lunch together, people in the office gossiping that there's something going on between us. Only there wasn't. She had her BF and I had my GF and we both knew the ins and outs of the other's relationship. I know her BF isn't perfect (she often tells me reasons why they are incompatible and apparently tells him this too, and she knows and he knows that he isn't 'the one'). They do, however, live in a shared house together.

Until recently, when I broke up with my GF for unrelated reasons. It was a prolonged break up unfortunately. While we were on a 'break' I went out on a night out with work people. People were asking me if I had loved my GF, and i said no, quite honestly. Lydia then pipes up angrily 'Well, I love my BF!!!!' Cue some raised eyebrows. Anyway, I kissed another colleague called Helen that night and Lydia got jealous (lots of "F*** off and take Helen with you" kind of thing). That gave me a clue that she liked me more than I had initially thought.

A couple of weeks later we went out and Lydia and I were the last ones out. We danced closely and I basically called her out how she'd been acting, saying that if she likes me she should just kiss me. We kissed. She got upset, and said a lot of things that she is scared of change. She is comfortable in her life I guess, even more so because they live together. Then unexplainably we ran around central london trying to get into posh hotels. Random but kinda fun.

We go for drinks alone together most nights after work. On Thursday night in a taxi I asked her if she likes me why doesn't she just say it. She told me she did like me and we kissed again. Then Friday morning she tells me she argued with her BF when she got back after our taxi ride. Didn't get a chance to find out why that day. Then this weekend cue lots of Instagram/FB posts of her & BF. Standard female conflicting messages.

What's the best play here? Seems to me there's either 1) tell her outright if you like me then do you want to be with me yes or no (risky) 2) boyfriend destroyer route which I've kind of being using sparingly already or 3) just get with someone else and move on.

Would appreciate some of your thoughts

What is it that you want? You already are kissing another man's girlfriend. I think you've already started your "boyfriend destroyer" routine. If you just keep going the way you are you can end up getting yourself a girlfriend that has a track record of cheating. Congrats.

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Basically.

OP there's nothing you can do that you're already not doing. You can't push her into a decision. Just keep escalating and moving things forward. Get her to your place, have sex, and don't mention her bf out of your own initiative. Ever.

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I second that. Most people (girls even more) are afraid of change, afraid to take decisions. So stop asking her stuff like "if she likes me she should just kiss me" or "if she likes me why doesn't she just say it." Kiss her. Take her hand. Lead her to your place. Have her do your laundry.

Also, to help you rationalize, here's from another post:

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We do what we have to do in order to do what we want to do.

Girls don't just jump out of one serious relationship right into another one with a different guy. At least SANE ones don't.

They go through the same "self development" thing that guys go through in a way. There's something about her that needs work. There's probably things about her boyfriend that need work too. Either way, they are in a toxic relationship. Her kissing you and fooling around with you is her way out of it with out actually getting out of it.

But understand... That's all you are. An out. Not the new boyfriend. So quit asking her questions like "Do you like me...?" And trying to make her your new girlfriend. Take the relationship for what it is. Quit trying to push it into something more.

Because as soon as she gets caught up with her boyfriend, she's just going to fly off the rails with them and they will either try and "work it out" or realize that you "were a mistake and she needs to be single for a while."

It's okay to be a girls "out" of a relationship for a girl. I've done it plenty of times. I'll be the rebound. I'll take the lay up. Whatever it is... Just take it for what it is and stop trying to logically make something more of it.

Thanks for the advice, all. It's really encouraging to hear feedback.

Update is that I went on a date tonight with a Tinder girl. Let it slip to Lydia, the girl at work, earlier today then she starts SPAM me at 10pm asking "How is it going?", "Well, I assume...?", "??". Do you think that's a good sign that she's interested? Or that she's just trying to disrupt the date and make me think of her... I didn't reply.

Anyway I will be seeing Tinder again for more happy times another day Meanwhile I've arranged to do something with Lydia after work on Wednesday. How do you think I should play it on Wednesday night?
I don't feel bad about kissing another man's girlfriend. It's a bit like jobs, right? Sometimes you don't leave one company until you see another (better) one has an interest in you.
Thanks for the encouragement. Agreed with not pushing a decision. It needs to come from her.
That's a good quote. And likely a very true one! May just take your advice and "kiss her, take her hand etc" on Wednesday night. If she's interested and the moment is right, she won't be thinking about her BF, right?
Very interesting post and thank you. Totally understand that sometimes it's okay to be the"out" and I took a lot of realisation from your advice to "just take it for what it is". I guess that's good advice for any girl, to be honest. Enjoy the good times and keep things as light as possible.

The implication wasn't that you should feel bad. It was more of a warning and that's why I asked what you wanted. If you just wanted to get with the girl for something casual, why would you be looking to do a boyfriend destroyer routine? If you want a relationship with her, you won't be able to trust her. Since you mentioned a boyfriend destroyer, thinking about asking her if she wants to be with you, and now comparing her leaving one job for the another, that with analyzing her social network postings...this seems like you want to build a relationship with this girl.

If you do try to build something, she's going to cheat on you just like she's cheating with the guy she's with now. You may not feel bad about kissing her now but if you find out later on when she's with you that she's kissing another guy, you'll definitely feel bad.

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As Magick said you're an out. Also, keep in mind that its less likely that she breaks up with bf and gets serious with you, at least openly like a regular relationship. I'd imagine that her leaving a guy and getting serious with the guy everyone thinks she liked, would expose cheating to other people at work, and is something she may not want to happen.

Like I said before in a previous post, insecure people swing from one relationship to another.

If she was secure in herself, and her ability to attracting a man she wouldn't be involved with a man who clearly isn't meeting her needs. And yea, typically in such situations the girl will settle for anything that SEEMS better, even minimally to what she has and likely discard it until something better comes along - its like buying up each time.

This one's draped in a giant red flag. Enter at your own risk.

3.

For one, why are you so hell bent on getting her to say that she likes you? Actions speak louder than words. What is her saying that suppose to do? Had you been behaving the way you will behave if she says that before she says it, she would of said it without you having to force it out of her.

Now, I don't see the point of a boyfriend destroyer. Do you plan on taking this girl serious? If so, perhaps you can explain to me why.. Theres far too much back and forth here, and no sexy has happened to put the stamp on things. I'd say leave it alone, her relationships already on its way out, go bang Helen and let this one come around when she gets her shit sorted out. The challenge and the chase is whats making you like her as much as you do. If none of these things were a factor, you wouldn't feel the same way about her.

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