Ok, so this issue is about a 5-year relationship. So please try to keep that in mind with replies. I’ve invested a lot into this relationship and so has she. This relationship has actually been quite a pleasant one, for the most part.

Full disclosure: We share passwords on all our social media and email accounts. This was by our own free will, as we both figured we don’t have anything to hide.

Historically, in the first year of our relationship (way back in 2010-2011), my girlfriend had been somewhat of a compulsive liar. No physical cheating ever took place, but there were plenty of online flirting sessions and photo exchanges. This continued right up until I slept with another chick. That’s when I gave my girlfriend the ultimatum: she was either going to start being honest with me, or I’d leave her. So she chose to be honest. BOOM! Her lying problem stopped immediately and hadn’t been an issue since 2011.

Fast forward to August 2015: She made a Snapchat account (the first time). I didn’t like the idea because (1) I don’t have a Snapchat account too (I have no interest in getting one), and (2) I know the kinds of things that end up happening on Snapchat. I figured that having a Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram was enough for her, right? So I asked that she remove her Snapchat account and not to make another one. She agreed.

One month later in September, what does she do? She makes a new Snapchat account (the second time). This time, I got a bit more assertive and asked her to promise not make another one. So she promised, deleted the account, and seemed aggravated.

And NOW, just last night, I discover that she has secretly been using yet another new Snapchat account (the third one). And she has been using it since September. Only this time, the account was made with a new secret email address that she never told me about (I had no access to this email). And the password for this Snapchat account was nothing like her normal passwords. It seems that she wanted to keep me out for sure this time. On top of that, her profile photo was different than her usual sweet-looking profile photos: her tongue was out suggestively in this one.

So I created an account of my own and added her as a friend.

Then I confronted her about it, I first asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She came right out and admitted that she had been using Snapchat behind my back (she had no choice because she already saw that I added her as a friend).

Then I asked her about the email address used to make the account. She instantly lied and said that the email address belonged to her friend. I called her out on her lie and asked her for the password immediately. She stalled for about 5 minutes before giving me the info, saying that she was trying to remember the password (I assumed she was deleting additional evidence from this email account). I found no smoking gun when I finally got logged in.

Regardless, I calmly told her that I was done, and would probably never trust her again. I told her flat-out that I was tired of being betrayed. When I hung up the phone, she was sobbing and begging me to please give her another chance. She’s been calling me all day long, but I haven’t answered the phone. She’s probably still holding on to some hope that things will work out, since I haven’t changed my Facebook “relationship status” yet. Ha.

I consider my feelings for this girl to be love, but I don’t have oneitis. I’ve been tempted to sleep with other women several times during this relationship (the opportunities were there), but decided to remain loyal because we agreed to an exclusive long-term relationship.

So before I go to far with this, I want to get some people’s insight. Is this whole issue about a secret Snapchat/email account even a big deal? Is it likely that she will ever be stop lying to me? (She has been honest with me 4 out of 5 years). Bottom line: is this fixable?

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this, and for any help/advice you can offer!

Why do you have anything against her having Snapchat?

And OP you seem like Christian Grey, controlling and ordering her what to do like she's your property.

I think it's good you can distance yourself from her and next her, most guys who are in relationships long as yours can't but still man... You sound little too demanding for her.

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I think my problem with Snapchat is that I don't trust her enough to have one (given her history of online flirting). She can take a photo of anything she wants, send it to someone, and it disappears forever within a few seconds. No consequences. It's especially weird that she wanted a Snapchat so bad, when I myself didn't even have an account.

Not to mention, I'm not crazy about the idea of her getting sent random dick pics all the time.

Sounds like trust issues. My advice, stand your ground, she lied, she has to know her actions have some consequences.

If it is too much problem for you then dump her and find some girl you don't have to share passwords with.

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I told her that if she wants to keep me, it'll have to be an open relationship. She REALLY doesn't like that idea. But you're right, she has to know that there are consequences that come along with her actions. After all, exclusive relationships don't really work anymore when all the trust is gone. I'm sort of leaving the door open to where she can EARN back my trust and re-gain our exclusive relationship over time, but I'm not sure if this strategy will just leave me disappointed again.

If you dont trust her to this extent you shouldnt be with her. Even if she agrees to open relationship, earns your trust back..will you ever not keep checking up on her?

As to cheating or her possibly cheating...Either you've constantly kept tabs on her to ensure she wasnt = miserable, or you havent and she has cheated. Either way, stop this craziness.

And as to this being a 5 yr relationship, hence that means something...whats really been built here if she's still up to lying behind your back and trying to find guys?

Or...you could just let her do what she wants and sleep with/ or flirt with other guys. She obviously has some deep rooted need to do this, so I doubt anything you do will stop her longing to.

Sounds suffocating.

Girls and guys are going to flirt.

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"Historically, in the first year of our relationship (way back in 2010-2011), my girlfriend had been somewhat of a compulsive liar. No physical cheating ever took place, but there were plenty of online flirting sessions and photo exchanges. This continued right up until I slept with another chick. That’s when I gave my girlfriend the ultimatum: she was either going to start being honest with me, or I’d leave her. So she chose to be honest. BOOM! Her lying problem stopped immediately and hadn’t been an issue since 2011."

A relationship based on insecurity and distrust, basically you've built a house upon a sand base and somehow act surprised that it collapsed under its own weight.

You both are playing games and aren't being forthright and now you've being passive-aggressive by ignoring her calls to have your ego stroked.

Both of you need to grow up, and likely aren't ready for a relationship till you first learn how to trust yourselves (not each other). Ultimatums never work in the long term, they are based off fear (taking something away from someone to get them to act the way you want them to). Her lying has always been an issue because you can't take punitive measures against behaviour and expect the underlying issue to have been addressed. The issue was the elephant in the room and never addressed; people who cheat do so because some need or needs aren't being met by their partner - or they simply have unrealistic expectation that one single person ought to meet all their needs which isn't possible and unfair to the other partner.

Holy shit.. I got an overwhelming feeling of suffocation by simply reading this thread, but to actually live it.. damn. I actually feel sorry for that poor girl.

First of all, here's a few things you need to understand about what a healthy relationship is:

1. People flirt. People enjoy the attention. You yourself just said you had multiple possibilities to cheat on this girl. Those possibilities don't just pop up. You gave an opening. You flirted with other women one way or another. And don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with that and it's perfectly healthy to do so, the problem is being a hypocrite. And being insecure.
There's obviously a line that shouldn't be crossed if exclusivity is the case, but it's no where near as extreme as you demand it to be.

2. Intimacy is a thing. A good one. And checking up on someone because that's the only way your insecure ass can trust them is the lowliest low of all the lows. There is absolutely no reason why a girl should have yours passwords, or why you should have hers. There's no such thing as trust without freedom of choice. Yeah, might as well handcuff her too, since you both figure there won't be any backstabbing. What's the point of having the extra freedom, right?
See how idiotic that is? You don't do this kind of shit because you trust. You do it because you don't.

I'm sorry, but in all honesty I can undoubtedly say you have a huge fault in this relationship. You have trust issues, and like anyone with trust issues you'll find ways of how "she's actually the problem". Why would she need a snapchat when she has twitter, instagram and facebook? Really dude?
How in the world do you think you're entitled to interdict this girl from using a phone app?

With some people there's no other choice but to lie. Because their heads are so far up their asses you just know there's no point to even bother.

This relationship is broken beyond repair, and it started with your whole password sharing / ultimatum giving ideas. And history will only repeat itself, until you address the real problem, which is your inner neediness and insecure persona.

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OP, people NEED privacy. But the fact that this girl wasn't strong enough to stand up to you and tell you NO or explain herself says a lot.

If I were you, I'd exit from the relationship, and reevaluate the way I look at relationships in general.

There's a lot of issues here besides your girlfriend simply flirting on a secret Snapchat account.

You do not make someone you don't trust a girlfriend.

I'm not sure this relationship ever should have gotten as far as it did, from the sounds of it.

^ you overreacted a bit, not really a reason to break up, but i get you that you felt like you are being lied to and disrespected.... Men are big on trust/respect and women big on security... I would advice to break up in a more adult loving way, instead of a hateful way... Mini break ups(soft next) work, as punishment she will experience pain and may be unlikely to repeat the action...

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The op and his gf are two massively insecure people acting solely from their own egos.

Punishment doesn't work. Look at the caustic effects punishment has on children and how it impedes their ability to hold healthy relationships - many of the people on this board are exemplary of that. Hell people with addictions become ADDICTED in the first place due to social isolation and its traumatizing effects.

So, again, how does punishing somebody for engaging in a behaviour lead to healthy relationships? It doesn't, and anyone suggesting that it does is a complete moron who has 0 understanding in attachment and human behavior.

To the OP:

YOU DO NOT LOVE THIS WOMAN. THIS IS EGO ATTACHMENT CONFUSED WITH LOVE. REAL LOVE HAS NO OPPOSITE.

Love does not have fear attached to it, ego attachment does - and involves manipulative and other insidious tactics to get needs met. You and this girl are not in a loving relationship although the feelings may feel very similar to that of love.

As Eckharte Tolle said "every addiction begins with pain and ends with pain" - the two of you were never healthy to begin with - pain (likely in being with your self) had brought you into this relationship, and the fear of being alone is whats keeping the two of you in it - it will ultimately end in pain too, as with any addiction.