First off, this will be long. The purpose of this ‘journal’ which was started in a .docx file was to track my own evolution after ending what was truly a great relationship. Most people have a hard time recovering , I don’t really know why , but I did decide to write my ‘journey’ down because I feel it will help me out somehow.
There will be NO bullshit in these pages. Everything you will read here will be 100% genuine and sincere.
After that I decided to share it here. If this stuff will even moderately help at least one person who takes the time to read it if they find themselves in a similar situation then I’m happy
.
A friend of mine did the same once and reading through his stuff ,I feel it kinda helped me out.
Prologue
Everyone has their ‘one’ .Everyone thinks that there’s that girl that was truly special in their lives. They are wrong. Such a thing is rare . Not everyone has the pleasure of enjoying such things. However , I am not everyone. I am different , I am superior. And she was special.
Life has this way of fucking you over in the most unimaginable ways possible. I always thought that life is like a hand of poker. If you’re skilled enough you can win with the most shittiest hand. Poker is about reading people , deceit , wisdom , self-control , making the most of what you have. And such is life. However , it can still be unfair. There will be times when you will have played your hand absolutely perfectly. You minimized your risks and maximized profits. And yet , the key word here is risk. Obviously , you will lose. At the very least once in your life you will do things perfectly and STILL lose. And what do you do then ?Do you give up ? No , you accept it , you keep playing your best and move on. In the long run , you will win if you stay true to your cause.
I'm writing this 2 weeks after the brakeup.
I do believe that R will remain special in my heart forever. Wisest words she ever said were:”If we would've met when we were 25 we would’ve had a great future”. There’s immense truth in these words. Sadness as well. And yet we met when I was 17 and she was 15..
She was my first and I was hers. Not just sexually. Emotionally , spiritually . I can honestly say I loved her in a way I never loved anyone else. Not even my parents . Honestly ? not even myself. The feeling goes beyond description. I will not even attempt to express something so rare.
I cannot stress this enough. I’m not a naïve whelp . I always took pride in being different. In understanding things most people dont. I did not dive head first in the first pool of ‘love’ I have ever received , no ,this was something more. A lot more. Some of you older guys might look down on this and be tempted to patronize. However , you fail to understand that In todays society a girl with strong morals , a sharp mind and the looks of a model is undoubtedly a diamond in the rough. It is a rare occurrence. An anomaly . Nowadays all that seems to matter in the ‘young society’ is superficial to a disturbing extent. The vast majority of girls today are sluts . Not in the sense that they get paid. They're a different form of slut. A city slut. Their currency is attention. They crave it and they'll do anything for it. They will sell their body and they would even sell their soul if such a thing existed.
Ever heard the phrase :"The perfect woman is a lady on the streets and a whore in bed" ?Guess what ? it's true. Every man desires a good girl that will be bad just for him.
A few days ago she told me that she kissed another guy while a little drunk.”It meant nothing , I’m so sorry. I missed being able to dance and have a little fun with random strangers. I don't even like him. But now I feel like I made a huge mistake .I feel I did wrong by you ,relationship or not". This was already 10+ days after the brake up. A mistake ?Maybe, not even I can know that. Might be the biggest mistake she ever made or just another small error. I was furious nonetheless. Not rationally , I honestly understand her. I was busy with finals but otherwise I'd have done the same .I felt happy that she's moving on .Jealousy and ego damage were never an issue. I knew her love for me was sincere. She was the lady on my street and the whore of my bed. Mine alone. She proved both these qualities on many different occasions. She was a legit diamond .Emotionally however I was on a rampage. My world crumbled that very moment. My girls' lips touching some unworthy AFCs' ?I dreamt about crushing that guys' skull in at night. Emotions can be far more powerful than one might think. Yet I tried to not let them guide my actions. I removed myself from her life at the time. I realized how clouded my judgement was. I felt the need for distance. Wounds required healing. The dark pit I was falling in would only get darker and deeper with every word we spoke. Sometimes she'd say "I still love you and will continue to do so. This brake up is better for both of us. But in my heart you'll always be special". Somehow I'd find comfort in that .I'd also find tremendous pain. But as time passed , I wanted to hear those things more and more .I found myself craving them. Only then did I realize ...she was my addiction. The edge was so thin I could relapse any moment. Moderation was not an option. All I had to do was reach out and she'd give me her love and support. Remember our brake up was mutual. We had strong feelings , external factors like age / parents / life problems were the cause. We knew our future would not be a possibility without this brake. It's all or nothing. A midline does not exist in every aspect of life. It did here, but it would surely have led to failure and heart pain. And I'm not even an emotional person. Never was , until her. I had to terminate this addiction. Fight it. Win at all costs. No retreat.
I don't know how much time it will take to regain stability. But I look forward to meeting with her without emotional ups and downs. I need to make peace with my reality .Most importantly ,I need to become happy without her. Not just contempt , happy.
Nevertheless , I respect her immensely for her honesty. She probably knew that telling me meant my disappearance and yet she still did. Admirable integrity. In this regard for all I pride myself to be, I don't know if I could’ve done it.
Day 1
Day one. The first entry. It’s been about 2 weeks since the ever so dreadful brake-up. I’ve cried , I’ve suffered and without a doubt I was lost. For the last 10 or so days I had no purpose…no meaning. I built my entire world on the support vectors of this extraordinary piece of human existence. She was the center of my galaxy. I recently learned that the center of a galaxy is in fact a black-hole. Needles to say , I felt slowly disintegrated by mine.
Yesterday was the first day of no contact. I thought about her. I pictured her missing me and tears running from her eyes. I also pictured her in the arms of a would be rebound trying to find shelter. Both were possibilities. It wasn't pleasant , but I was determined. "I will not relapse , I will not break."
Anyway ,I have been going out , spending more time with my friends , re-establishing old contacts…Something I neglected when with her. I had the opportunity to kiss close some random chick the other day. Couldn’t bring myself to do it. R was a constant presence on my mind. Anything less was unsatisfying. It just felt wrong.
I'm still during the finals so people don't really go out that much. Can't wait for college to really start in full gear again.
Today I feel different though. I’m picking myself up. Weakness is leaving my body and strength is taking over. I can feel myself rising again and I found a new sense of purpose. I am starting to ‘re-feel’ freedom. Not that I didn’t have freedom with her , we both had all we wanted. She wasn’t possessive or needy , neither was I. Still , not having to constantly worry about someone else is quite…refreshing. I can do whatever I want , when I want … no more deleting archives / texts / browser history. Not that I ever had anything to hide. I never cheated , never betrayed her. However ,there are some things that you’d rather keep to yourself. My journey to becoming a PUA and texts I sent girls so my game would not die out is something I preferred keeping to myself. Again , no harm , no foul.
Like I was saying , a new sense of purpose. I have made a list of short-term goals for myself. This includes:
• Work out on scheduled days ( no excuses) - Shaun T’s Insanity. Not something easy by any standards. Want a real challenge ? I dare you to take it on.
• Eat right (workout diet)
• Do not FAP for at least 15 days (little experiment. I believe it will improve my inner me. 8 seconds of extazy are usually followed by a depression-like state and a loss of purpose. Quite a bit of bro-science going on on the topic. I'll give it a shot. It's a good challenge too.)
• Pass my Saturday exam
• Pass my other exams (3/5)
• KC / #C / FC a hb7.5+ at least until the beginning of next month.(might not sound like much but I HAVE been on a long brake from this.)
• Whiten my teeth (I kept putting this off for some reason)
• Restart my journey to becoming a PUA(I've toned it down a lot in a 3 year LTR , evidently).
• Get a job in my domain. (I’m a IT Student , I'm 20 , second year of college.)
• Find a new house to live in.(I've been living in this apartment for 1 year + and I'm so sick of it I can't wait to get out. I believe a good environment is important to success.)
• Read "The definitive book on body language" (Something I've also been meaning to do for quite some time)
• Invest and start my online Poker "Career". I don't plan on making huge $$ out of this , but I enjoy the game a lot.
Today I start all these goals.
All in all , I feel strong , willing and determined. I will not let my fears and weaknesses take over my life.
One more thing I’d like to share here before ending day 1.And all the credit for this goes to my best friend , T. All people I know do this stupid thing when they lose someone. You crank your speakers up and start listening to all the love songs in the world and cry your eyes out. Why do you do this ? Why do you torture yourselves ? Listen to love songs before you lose them. Dance with her , enjoy the moments of your happiness. You’re not hearing me, actually truly enjoy them. Break from the real world and ask yourself “If I died tomorrow what would I regret doing or not doing with this girl ?” and make it happen. It doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic . You might have a fantasy and want her to give you a BJ while you play video games. So go DO THAT! Carpe diem people. Seize the fucking day.
After you lost her , songs won’t do shit. What’s done is done and guess what ? What is NOT done , is NOT. You did not have the balls to ask for that BJ while playing DoTa with your friends on SPAM ?GONE. You didn’t dance her when Whitney was strongly urging you to express your eternal love ? GONE. Gone ,gone ,gone.
Stop punishing yourselves and start learning from mistakes. It’s ok to grieve but why pointless torture ?
If you want music listen to something that will motivate you, wake you up and give you the edge. You’re already on your knees, so stop keeping yourself there.
CHAT
