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Hey man, i hope you are still reading this!
Just read through some of the things you wrote, and i must admit i can partly relate to what you're saying.
I think you're ex might have been a narcissist or sociopath, and that you in turn are very co-dependent. I myself have gotten out of a relationship that was absolutely crazy, lasted 3 years, and another year on and off since i broke off with a stunningly beautiful but absolutely bat shit crazy daddy type issues girl, and i can truly relate when you write that one of your exes is absolutely evil. The thing that makes me think we had the same type of issues is you writing that you tried to break up with her for 2 years. I had the same, i tried to break it off for 1 year, but still let her in my life every time, often not being aware of the whole thing. And its a Pussy thing, i mean you break up or you don't, who takes a fucking year to break up right?
What i think you need, is to look into some psychology theory first, really understand the dynamics of your past relationship, because before that is resolved, humping new girls will atleast make you feel accomplished, but at the same time it won't make you whole, or remove this bitterness you are feeling. I also had a bad- and i mean fucked up nasty brutal bad breakup, walked around like a victim like you for a long time, and its only now that i am realising my own accountability and enabling in the whole ordeal.
You're body and physiology are probably completely Jacked from your previous relationship, Your system excreting lots of stress hormones and shit, your body basically being in a fight or flight mode, this is what depression does with you.
Thus you might need different approaches and tools then "just go talk to woman". Women want someone who understands himself first, and then and only then can you come to understand them. How can you even attempt to feel the needs of a woman, if you can't even honour and feel your own. You are looking for a woman to fill a void, which none of them can, which is why none of them bothers trying. Stop needing them to fill the void, and they will start appearing in all cracks and corners of the earth, trust me.
You need to do some serious digging into your own (i hypothesise codependent) issues, and the rage you most likely feel against the world for it not responding to your wishes after being so kind to it.
Look up some Material by Sam vaknin, SpartanLifecoach, Ross rosenberg on youtube, they talk about narcissism and codependents and why they match so well from different angles and it might help create insight into your previous relationship, and why you went in it, and what it did to you. And be brutally honest man. You can't run away from this, you gotta go through it. When you understand this complex dynamic more, i believe you can come to accept it, and come to accept yourself and all that has happened, which will shine through in ALL YOUR INTERACTIONS. Because you can once again be yourself more, and not attempt to be this superstar stud with stability and a nice car, but absolutely no sense of identity. Desperately attempting to cover up the fact that you feel like you are living some kind of fucked up movie gone wrong, a big secret that no one can know. Unfortunately, woman are way more in tune with their feelings and emotions, and INSTANTLY sniff out a guy who is not, by everything you sub-communicate.
also, you can have debates and try and convince people of whatever shit on here, how tough or not tough it was, it really doesn't matter, we will never know, and trust me, you probably did have it absolutely horrible, but YOU HAVE TO COME 2 TERMS WITH THE FACT THAT YOU LET IT HAPPEN. The caveat being that it was most likely subconscious, so culpability can be debated, but it nevertheless remains YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
(this is me trying to show you how you and eddie's arguments come together, and you can both be considered "right").
So seriously, start doing your therapeutic work way more seriously, Look into yourself, really examine all these things with your therapists, make the subconscious relationship patterns, from your family home, mirrored and continued by your relationships so far (the internal dialogue), conscious, and start discarding them. Its literally old software, installed by your parents that is not serving you, the sooner you realize, the faster you grow. Then the women will be easy, since you can feel and understand yourself, and in turn they can start to feel you.
I wrote a lot of stuff, hopefully it makes sense. I really believe (or assume) part of our history might have been similar, so please look into those youtube sources and dig deep into yourself, woman are easy after that, they just want a man who loves and knows himself, so they can join the ride. So my advice would be primarily to UNDERSTAND, to feel. You said you find it hard to journal, journal about how YOU FEEL. That is ALL that matters man. Get back in touch with your feeling first, then go and approach woman. don't turn it around and go and approach woman hoping they will make you feel, for it will never happen. I am not as destitute with woman as you, and have slept with roughly 1 on average girl a month in the year i was breaking up with my ex 13 total, and although sex is nice, it does not fill the void. I actually started becoming more numb because of all the PUA "just go get laid bullshit advice out here".
Thats why i might partly disagree with the standard advice here, and took the time to write it up. try to imagine yourself in your depressive state as a rock, devoid of feelings, desperately trying to appear on the radar of girls, well good luck without being able to access your own feelings correctly.
Once you start feeling, you will blip on their radar like a submarine, having them think "hmm, who's that guy, he seems in touch with himself, thats interesting". So Really, get IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS, That will make you get laid any day of any week of any fucking year. So last time, understand your past, what installed the programs, the relationships you sought out, what patterns you subconsciously recreate, then consciously change them by approaching life in a new and loving and most importantly FEELING WAY, and then you can walk up to girls and be a PUA ARTIST badass you always wanted to be, and the best part, you might not even want it anymore, you might meet that one sweet girl and have an awesome relationship, and you will have the power to choose. May you have luck, and always remember, knowledge is only potential power, only through action, does it become so. So first get your knowledge sorted, then start getting comfortable around people being YOU, With all that it includes, and then you can happily approach girls and get results and numbers and dates and sex and goodies etc etc etc.
If you followed this advice you'll get setbacked for more than a decade. Here are my reasons why:
1. You're already too much about feelings. You don't need MORE feelings. If something isn't working for you, why should you intensify it some more instead of changing your approach? On the other hand, you haven't taken that much action yet.
2. If you're already seeing a therapist and it's not working, it's only logical to try 2 or 3 different other therapists. After seeing 3 other therapists and therapy still isn't working, then maybe you need to try other SPAM aside from therapy.
For instance, I have a +60 year old woman neighbor who suffered a bad fall. The first doctor said she needs surgery so he can drill 8 metal nails in her broken spine.
I said, "Fuck that. 30+ year-old Jesus Christ only had 3 nails hammered at his hands and feet and he squirmed in pain and died a slow death on the cross. You're a 60+ year-old woman who yammer profanities every morning. What makes you think you can do better than the Messiah who prays to God on the regular?"
She got a second opinion.
CHAT
