+1
She doesnt find you attractive and you're friends. Your fear is 100% real.

Now be attractive. Treat it like a girl you just met. You wont go hugging her, you'd touch in her simple ways that turns her on and displays dominance.

To be truthful, I don't think he can do this at this stage. Reason being his attachment is far too strong to this girl, and he has an insecure attachment style (likely Pre-occupied Anxious type) so even if he does these things he's going to be up against a massive wall of internal resistance.

It's like telling a heroin addict to just all of a sudden quite heroin and choose another behaviour when he feels the itch to pickup the phone and contact his dealer. Entrenched behavior like this doesn't just go away over night.

Until he learns how to deal with himself and the underlying core issues he's experiencing (mainly his attachment cycle), he'll likely push her away further. It doesn't take a crystal ball to see that in all probability this relationship will not last, at least in its current state. This is why if he were to break away from her and work on himself it would be his best hope of having something healthy with her - but I'm even cringing saying this because again this may be done out of the wrong energy, namely to win her back.

Rationalizations aren't going to be the way out for him, either. These are deep-rooted emotional experiences he's not connecting to. Basically like a lot of guys (and most of us have been acculturated this way) he is cut-off from the neck down. In other words, he's detached from his experience and looking to problem solve away his issues.

Like any addict, the person with an insecure attachment (especially if its an Preoccupied-anxious type) will assuage his unease by looking to others particularly his partner. It's a vicious cycle because he wants to be vulnerable and feel connected to her, but the strategy to which he learned to gain this is off-putting and can feel like smothering, or even controlling behavior. The reactions are part of his limbic function - basically when he's triggered by a threat of loss (usually) his rational brain, the neocortex particularly the prefrontal cortex region (where rational judgment is made) becomes hijacked by the limbic brain. The short of it is he's REACTING, not responding, and all the rationale talk in the world won't help.

OP if you can get in to talk to an attachment therapist or find some free counselling somewhere that would be helpful.

I also very strongly suggest you get into some form of meditation (something mindfulness based - there are many apps you can download for your phone or find on youtube search "guided meditation" a 5 minute one at first will suffice). This will help you create a larger window of tolerance for unsettling feelings you experience, rather than ACTING/reacting on them. What this will do is help keep you more 'grounded' when you feel unsettled, that way you can think more rationally and not by like the child who continually hits the hot stove succumbing to your attachment itch every time you feel she's pulling away.

You can msg me if you want more info on the subject.

True. I wanted to add that its alot of work needed but was in a rush. That's why I think OP should communicate with his gf because the time and work needed, if she doesnt know, it'll probably be too much for her to see a change. At least if she commits to being patient, he may have a chance. Given this was a 8 year relationship, and he's now 30, I'd assume he doesnt have much experience attracting a girl or being attractive, at least if he did that was so long ago.

I see this time and time again on this board. Guy comes here looking for the quick fix, when he's got a real unstable core/weak identity. Guy doesn't know who he is, but swears up and down he does and tries to connect to himself through the woman's he's with - what a tremendous obligation she's under now no wonder she wants out and then he's here looking for bandaid solutions to win her back completely missing the point as to why he's such a repelling force.

Another thing. If a lot of these guys had strong core identities to begin with they'd likely attract different, higher quality women. Some of them once they improve their self image may even no longer be able to relate to their woman and end the relationship to free themselves up for something more to their liking.

+1

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I've been doing a bit better and I understand the feedback you guys have given me . I'm trying to fight this internal battle and sometimes winning and sometimes losing .

I have one general question though , my girlfriend does still text me quite a bit during the day but its always comments moaning about her work or she isn't feeling well . it never really seems to be about me or us .

How should I respond to these texts as they are often short and seem to be attention based ?

What do you think? (let him answer rather than enable him and provide answers, not doing him any favours)

"how would a healthy male handle this situation?" ask yourself

Ok so major update here guys.

I have tried to be more assertive and dressing a lot better etc and actually did my pown thing and we have been getting on great, sex is coming in very frequently and we have been getting really well.

But I came across something on her phone when she was out , I know I shouldnt have looked, she basically lied to me when she said she stayed at her friends house after a night out on night and actually stayed at a guys house and slept with her , the texts were basically to her friend and how guilty she felt.

I confronted her about it and eventually she admitted what she had done and said thats why she wanted to break up a few weeks ago and knew that if I found out I wouldnt trust her again. Basically the reason she said she did it was because we werent getting on great and this guy showed interest in her, she knew him from her old work years ago.

As far as I know it was a one night stand, I am totally gutted , not crying everywhere but understandtly upset. After all these years I thought I could still trust her.

I have asked her to go back to her mothers house while I figure this out in my head.

Any advise is appreciated guys, im away to a dinner dance tonight so not gonna have too much time for it to sinke= in but the alone times this is gonna kill me.

Sorry to hear that. I think 90% of us were thinking that this is was what was happening.

Now cut your losses.

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Hey man I'm truly sorry about this. That's gotta sting quite a bit especially with all the effort you've put in as of late.

Nobody here can tell you what to do, your next step etc. You've got to figure this out on your own and I think SPAM tis probably way too soon to see through the dense fog before you and get a clear answer. She is right in the sense that the trust is gone and once its gone its very hard to get back. It would be onto her to prove herself to you and the effort would be more on your part to allowing somebody who cheated on you back into your heart.

The best medicine is tending to your wound. Learn to be alone, its ok to feel sad and pining at times for intimacy you will go through that period of loss. Surround yourself with healthy people who uplift you, distance yourself from those with baggage. Make some changes. Get a goal diary and write down some goals you've wanted to pursue for a while now, new ones too (e.g. becoming more fashionable, meditating, going to the gym etc). Beyond all else show yourself compassion, this will take some time but I have no doubt u'll become a better person because of it. You took it on the chin a bit here, but you're resilient and this will really show your metal.

As for her I would steer clear from her as its a bit of a trauma, though may be not a huge surprise to you it still is quite shocking. The very person you'd loved at one point and was a source of joy for you has now become a source of pain. Hold your boundaries and while its ok talking to your friends about it to air out some feelings, be careful you aren't ruminating on this and make it your life narrative (this will only make it harder to move on, and essentially the relationship or the ghost of one will follow you ad infinitum).

Look people cheat, there are reasons for it. I know its easier said than done, but at least end the relationship before doing so. Personally I couldn't give somebody like that another shot; going through the massive amount of energy to learn to trust them again so I feel secure around them (been there, done that) I can tell you for me anyway it wasn't worth it. Once the trust and security are gone, you're better off being by yourself, freeing up your energy, work on yourself, and attract somebody in your life who is truly worth your time, your energy, and your love.

That's my 2 cents worth.

Wow man, that stinks. I always wondered if snooping is terribly wrong, is it really ? I understand that it stems from insecurity but when I read situations like these, what is the better perspective? Being blissfully ignorant and never knowing you got cheated on and carrying on like you can trust a woman you have been with a very long time or going for the snoop and finding knowing you were right all along which contributes to you saving loads of times and hopefully finding a new person to start a new relationship with and keep your game sharp.

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Its crazy guys.

I'm still in a sense of shock .

I could have never looked and it really did seem like we could have a future together. Its strange as you say ignorance is bliss.

She said she was drunk and doesn't remember sleeping with him. I have built a bit of guilt up over it as if Ime being honest I put next to no effort into our sex life probably for the last 4 years.

She lives with me but I asked her to go and stay with her mother to figure this out, my head is such a mess.
One minute I feel like we could work this out and go on stronger the next I think god how could I ever go on knowing this?

I know its easy for some people to say fuck it, next girl but for me it aint gonna be that easy at all. Christ we have a dog together and it looks like I may have to say goodbye to my little buddy.

Just like to say thanks to everyone who has contributed to this post.

I cant talk to my friends about this as to be frank i am totally embarrassed and humiliated .

Sounds like your harbor a lot of shame. Perhaps something to reflect on. Your friends can be a source of strength for you and help in the healing process.

Yeah most likely I have issues to work with

My brain is haywire today.

Literally one minute I am like fuck her how could she do this to me!
The next minute I think to myself that I have been such a shit boyfriend probably for the best of the past 5 years its no wonder she went to another guy.

Everything is so fucked!

I havn't texted her since I asked to her to leave, she hasnt contacted either, I need a resolution on this either way but I cant make one at the moment. Any idea on how I should think this over for?