Hi Guys, long time member of the forum here. Unfortunately I haven't posted here for a few months, mainly because I didn't need to but the only reason I didn't need to was because of the help you gave me all that time ago . Anyway, enough bullshitting, there has been something on my mind for the last few weeks that has really been bugging me and I'm hoping to get your thoughts on it.

So, I am well aware of what oneitis is and have been the victim of it before. I am so wary of it in fact that I often am too quick to diagnose myself with it and that wariness is hampering my goals at the moment. Oneitis was an inescapable feature of my teenage years but now that I am growing older I am being faced with far more mature concepts which for the most part I am having trouble grasping. That concept is of course love and its place in a PUA's work.

In a puritanical pick up artist world love does not exist, it's a weakness of the body that can only hamper you and instead is called oneitis. It's the sickness of obsessing over one girl to your own detriment and at the exclusion of all other girls that you might have a chance with. Now I don't subscribe to this theory nor do I want to, I believe that there is room for love as we traditionally know it. If I was to accept the PUA view that there is nothing but sex, video game like mechanics to attraction and that you will achieve nothing more than frequent orgasms into multiple vaginas I think I would honestly kill myself without a moments hesitation.

Now you may be wondering "Beast, why are you suddenly thinking about this stuff?" Well friends, the answer as always is a girl. I won't go into details since this forum has rules on discussing individual cases but I can describe it in 30 words or less: "friendship, an absence, recommencement of that friendship, a noticeable difference in the functioning of that friendship, a slow and gradual move towards greater intimacy over a period of weeks."

There is only one thing though that is bothering me and that thing is the root of this post. Where does oneitis end and love begin? What is the definition of both and the difference between them?

This uncertainty and ignorance on my part is really getting in the way of my goals at the moment. I know the characteristics of oneitis very very well but worryingly I am seeing more and more of these characteristics in my current "loving" situation. I am worried about oneitis to the extent that I have hesitated at every opportunity to develop things further. In moments when I am feeling a little depressed (not linked to the girl, problems with family, university and work) I will often berate myself for getting stuck in the trap of oneitis yet again.

However, I also recognise that my long standing PUA ambition of a loving relationship is going to have to involve at least a few elements of oneitis. The root of my problem now is doubt and the absolute ignorance of the relatively inexperienced.

So in case you didn't read the whole post (sorry, I'm a law student, We're pretty long winded and boring) I'll summarise my question. What are the key differences between love and oneitis and how do I recognise them?

Thanks for reading guys I really appreciate it. Please discuss this to your hearts content, it would really help me out a lot!

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Now, bring me that horizon!

LOve is the feeling of connection and oneitis is the complete obsession over one girl. YOu can easily love a girl and not make her your world. As long as you do that, it's not one itis

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Chris
Dating Strategist
https://structureofdating.com/

I was thinking along those lines myself but I'm not really sure I agree. What is your definition of a "connection"? How can you differentiate a connection with a partner from a connection to a friend? And what about obsession? Surely making a girl your world is what you or anyone else would call love. Wouldn't you think about the girl you love repeatedly, you could easily call that obsession but maybe without the negative connotations.

_________________
Now, bring me that horizon!

Love is mutual... oneitis isn't...?

So love IS oneitis until you discover it's mutual?

Here's my theory. Love and oneitis are almost identical, you will spend a lot of time thinking about the girl and your drive to get other women will decrease in both cases. The difference is how your mindset is when you do think of them and whether you are really thinking about the girl or about yourself.

LOVE: "I really like that girl, she's so nice and pretty and I love spending time with her. Soon enough we'll be going out, I know it"

ONEITIS: "That girl is so perfect, that's why I'll never get her. Why can't I think of what to say when I'm with her? She's out of my league. I suck"

_________________
Now, bring me that horizon!

Love and Oneitis are not the same thing. What you call "love" in this post is not love. In the PUA community the word "Love" is looked down upon because it is used wrongly. What the majority of people call "love" is just the "feeling of love". It is a combination of feelings that happen in your body and brain that help the mating process.

This feeling subsides after a certain amount of time because it is no longer needed once two people have started having sex. This feeling of love is a push by nature to help the species procreate. This is why you feel an extreme pull to the other person in those first few months, and at the very beginning it is incredibly strong. It slowly goes down as your brain adjusts to comfort with the other person.

This is not love.

Love is not dependency. Love is not a feeling.

What is true love? True love is to help another person grow, to give to them without expecting anything in return because you care about them. Love is knowing when to be close to the other person, and when to be separated. Love is a discipline. It is a verb. To Love.

That strong pull towards the other person can HELP you love someone else, because you will naturally care about them, want to be with them, pleasure them, have fun with them, give them a good time. At the same time YOU will also want a good time, and that person will be like a drug to you. Which is fine. Enjoy it. However know that to love is to do. It is not something you feel without giving.

I recommend you read the book "The Road Less Travelled" in which M. Scott Peck talks about this extensively.

Love is when you care about the girl, without manipulating her. You give her space.

Oneitus is when you're obsessed with the girl, you manipulate her with gifts/money because you're afraid to lose her. You need her for validation and to satisfy your ego. You don't give her the space she needs.

EDIT: It seems that oneitus mainly occurs when a guy doesn't have options or when he lacks experience with girls.

In the beginning of my PUA journey, I got oneitus with almost every girl who was into me. Now, it has faded. So, I think oneitis is mainly because of lack of experience.

+1


I think the OP is looking at both love and oneitis too linearly. Neither can be looked as one object or definition.

Love: I love pizza and weed. But not like I have loved some of my Exs or friends/family. The woman I loved more than any over was simple. I loved her because after years she made me feel great and brought really good things into my life. More like a deep appreciation of them as a human not as a companion/lover. Even tho they all go hand and hand.

Oneitis: To me this isnt just an infatuation with one girl. I got oneitis over all my early GFs. To me oneitis is a product of low self esteem and social programming. I felt to me like I didnt believe that other women wanted me or that I was failing because this one wasnt the forever type. The cure to me is stop believing the Disney fairy tales and start believing in yourself.

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My personal mantra:

"Every woman's a whore in the right situation"
"They're all selling it for something"
"She's sluttier than you think she is"

True genuine love is painful as well as it is enjoyable, I feel. I have gained a lot of insight on this subject recently and I feel a lot of it to be true for me. Love is not just the acceptance of others, it is the genuine loving of others, to help them grow. This means that if you would like your lover to grow sometimes it is necessary for you two to be apart. Oneitis does not take this into account. It is a selfish feeling. Not that it's bad but it does not do anything apart from you wanting her.

You can also experience self love by helping yourself grow. Everyone on this forum is showing themselves love because they are reaching for growth in their sexual and dating lives.

That painful feeling is the vulnerability that comes with the area of love. Kind of like letting your guard down. It's the brownie you know you shouldn't eat but feels so good.

_________________
In a funk? Read this

pua-lounge/the-importance-patience-this ... his%20game

I think there is a huge difference between one itis and love (with some elements of over lap) and I also don't particularly agree that love is some sort of taboo in the pick up world.

I think much as tr@veler points out above, "love" is used so incorrectly, that many of us are sceptical when we hear someone say they're in love. This is especially the case when they've been together 5 minutes. Traveler's definition of love above is pretty good. For me, love is the sort of feeling he describes there - it's a vulnerability, but it's about enjoying that vulnerability, helping each other grow, and where both of you are better together than you are apart. To an extent, that can be applied to your best friends. Anyone who has got one or two really close friends may have similar feelings without the sexual desire. I think the sexual desire - and the sex itself - which is added to those feelings when it comes to a girl amplify the feelings threefold.

Oneitis on the other hand is an obsession. I wouldn't necessarily say that it has to be unilateral rather than mutual. If you've been in a relationship for 2 months, the girl likes you, is maybe even starting to love you, but you are completely obsessed with her without truly knowing her, then it is still oneitis.

I think one of the main differences between love and oneitis/obsession is time. What is an almost fool proof method of seeing whether it is one or the other, is to see when the man started to develop these intensely strong feelings. Did he develop them before they were in a relationship? Before they were having sex? Before he had been with her for a few months (at least) and had really come to know her? Was it before he got to know her bad side? Before he got really pissed off or irritated by her a couple of times? Does he know all the small things she does, good and bad, which irritate him or make him smile for no apparent reason? Until you've done all of those things, you're probably obsessed/in oneitis mode rather than love. These are examples and the sort of thing you should be looking for - I'm not saying it's a definitive checklist, but it's a good way of understanding the type of relationship you need before it's love.

If you haven't done those things (those types of things), then you'er probably more "in love" with the IDEA of the girl which is in your head. We've all done it. I fancied a girl at school for about 18 months. We were decent friends but not all that close. I thought I loved her. When we finally got together and I started to get to know her better, I found I didn't really like her as much as I thought I did. I had been "in love" with the idea of her which I had painted in my head, not with the real her.