Hey,

This came to me the other day - what are some solid ways to deal with a girl who thinks lowly about herself? Whether it be her physical appearance or mentally.

I know there's the obvious things (compliments, etc) but they can be received from plenty of people. Is there anything that can be said to almost "stand out from the crowd" and show a girl that you are different from other guys?

Normally (not always) girls like this go for assholes, I guess to only reinforce their own poor self image, among other reasons.

You can't help her feel good though, she can only do that. Besides, it's a bad idea to try and fix someone. Just keep doing what you're doing and if you stay with her, maybe the stability you provide will give her the freedom to fix herself.

Such girls should be avoided like the plague.

Very true, they do mostly go for assholes.

I'm just curious, a girl I know has real self-esteem problems - but I can honestly see that she's generally a really nice girl. You absolutely think there is nothing can be done?

And: "I guess to only reinforce their own poor self image, among other reasons."

What are the some possible other reasons? (out of curiosity)

You could, but this path is fraught with drama and unnecessary issues.

I have a friend Shannon who's like that. She's generally fun, very attractive, easy going, ambitious, but has a terrible self-image, which she then translates into either total asshole guys, or pushovers.

Her current issue stems from a feeling of low self worth compared to her boyfriends previous girlfriend and a fear that she'll never measure up, which then only makes her clingy or sometimes pushing him away. Constant issues.

Generally, we tend to gravitate towards people with scars we ourselves have, or something similar, most likely in a desire to be understood or fixed. There is even a theory that childhood trauma translates into a perceived desire for certain characteristics (parental archetypal and parental needs unmet) or "imago" that we internalize and repeat over and over. The other possible reasons are emotional or social immaturity. Young women tend to go after the cocky, arrogant guy, mistaking that for confidence. Some even know they're doing that in an effort to fix the other person. There are a myriad of reasons, to be honest.

If you, yourself, don't struggle with self esteem issues, chances are you have no shot with her and if you do somehow end up with her, you'll be dealing with drama forever.

To answer your question, No, there is nothing YOU can do.

Good luck.

See this is really interesting, I definitely do have self-esteem issues. No doubt about it. And the whole gravitating towards her thing makes perfect sense. And it's probably one of the reasons I find myself wanting to be with her.

Does telling a girl these things help her? Making her realize what she does and why?

You cannot use logic to convince a women what she is doing is wrong, she has to come to the conclusion that she is fucking up. Besides, girls with high self esteem are probably the only girls that you can call them out on their behaviors and they will understand what they are doing wrong and try to correct it (my current main girl, god bless her). Besides, do you want to be her therapist or her lover? Pick one.


Dean

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I think it's the thought of being able to help her issues that attracts me. She's a great girl and it's just a shame to see her heading down a route where she's going to ultimately end up unhappy. I want to stop that.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I'd also examine your own Messiah complex.

Yeah, pretty sure some of the veteran guys here have thought that same thought at some time in their lives and it ended up badly. I personally have been involved with a girl like that about a year ago when I was still in my infant seductive years. I wouldn't recommend that mindset of saving someone to anyone. It is the white knight in shining armor mindset that gets good guys like you their heart broken.

Mr. A

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So she will really have to learn for herself and end up miserable? I admit, it's almost definitely a bad idea. But say I just wanted to help her as a friend, which I'd still obviously do.

It seems a strange thing any girl that has low self-esteem is inevitably going to end up unhappy and messed up from the sounds of things.. which is a sad truth I'm guessing?

What is your connection with this girl first of all? Do you do this with all the girls you believe need saving? How has that turned out for you in the end?

You don't know what can happen. Her life is in her hands so she may not turn out so bad.

Besides, if you want to be a friend then go right ahead. Just expect to be the go to guy for her problems and nothing more. You will be the emotional sponge, just like the rest of the nice guys in the dating world.

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You have to stop looking at this in terms of black and white. It sounds like you really like her, but haven't taken an objective step back. People, in the end, make their own choices and she could choose to heal and grow and be happy, or live in her world of shit. You cannot help her choose, she'll only end up taking it out on you anyway. If you want to be buds with her, great, be prepared for lots of long talks. I would suggest avoiding romantic entanglement at all costs, it'll only hurt you and hurt her further. She isn't prepared to love anyone.

This isn't a matter of leaving her to her own devices, it's merely a matter of letting her live with the life she's choose to live.

Well when you put it like that...

She's a girl I've known for a couple years, but quite recently we started seeing each other. I don't do it with all of the girls - not at all. But as I've got to know this girl I certainly think highly of her and don't want to see her screw things up. She's a great girl, I can generally have a laugh with her. A girl with a great sense of humor is hard to come along these days.

See it's a rarity she will ever talk about it anyway - it clearly makes her uncomfortable. She knows for a fact she has low self-esteem, and I also feel I'm partly to blame for other reasons. I've definitely messed with her head a bit.. I guess you could say that contributes as well.