Hey everybody,

I am more or less a typical IT-Nerd (36 years old), a kind of uncomfortable around women, not very successful, very serious, shy and with a lack of confidence when it comes to women.

I recently moved from the Netherlands to Alicante (Southern Spain) and I feel a kind of lost here by my lack of the Spanish Skills and I am working a lot of home office and usually I am just in touch with customer service guys - so there are more or less no women around my in my personal life and in my business. I really have to change that.

I want to give it a try. By the fact that I am a typical nerd I will give my self points like the scores in a computer game. May this is wired by I think this will help me.

I really have not clue where and how to start so I just want to overcome my personal anxieties and fears and report here to reflect what I am learning. At least I want to give it a try.

Wow, this was pretty sick! After my first post I just left the room and I did it!

15 Sets

I just stopped nearly every women that came along. Okay, I did nothing tricky, just asking for direction but it was quiet a lesson for me.

Every set responded very well. Very warm and friendly, no harsh reactions and not a single one ignored me. I stopped them, calmed them down and tried my best in Spanish.

Four of them gave me pretty big smile with glazing eyes.

The last one was pretty interesting because I could turn it into some personal small talk and she was quite interested. Unluckily she reached the door of her house and the whole family was waiting. That was a bit much of social pressure and also for my very lack of skills.

Anyway, I just did it. My first warm up to gain some confidence. I guess I have a basic idea to stop moving targets now. Moving targets are a bit tough because most of them are, well, moving and to stop them is a kind of distraction. But I guess I have a basic idea now how to deal with this.

2 Points for making 15 sets
1 Point for turning a general question into a small talk

3 Points total for this evening

I pimped my style today. Was out for shopping. Told the lady in the shops: "I got money, make me look great for the ladys!"

We did a good job. I am out with style right now. I am giving myself 2 Points for that. (5 Points total)

I did 10 Sets in the city. Again only direction opener but I am getting pretty more confident in just stop a women in the three. I recognized that there are 3 to 4 seconds they need to realize what's going on. In the first sets I thought they dont like me or try to ignore me, that's not true. They have a kind of sort themselves, pull them self out of their own thoughts and then adjust to a kind of realization that they are in a social situation and not in thinking and woking anymore.

In this first 3-4 seconds you have to do the talking. You have to lead and give them a few seconds to adjust to what's going on. Don't take it personal, just do the talking.

10 Sets - I am giving myself 0.5 Points. Direction opener are a road to nowhere. But I can take a few lessons from it.
5.5 Points total.

I tried to raise my level in two situations. In one set I was trying to complement her for an accessoire eccoire she told me where to go. It was awful. She just gave me a bad look and was leaving. Yeah, this sucks. But I understand the situation: I came out of nowhere and did not fit in the situation and she was in a hurry. It was also faked and I guess women have a kind of sense if your are not real in what you are saying. I just wanted to try - and she gave me a lesson in social science.

I also complimented a sales girl for her style. She said "Thank you" and avoided any eyecontact after. But I guess it was more that I was not coming up with something after the compliment, I could not go on after the compliment. That killed any connection.

But I least I tried. I failed but I have tried to raise my level. So I giving myself 0.5 Point for trying something new.

6 Points so far.

No update. Urgent Business. Have to take care for it a few days. No excusing, job comes first.

Still in business, but I need to remind me of what I have learned so far.

This is the structure I recognized in Street so far:

Moving target:

1st Stage: Stop/Open

1. You stop/open
2. 3/4 rule: They need 3 or 4 seconds to adjust and understand, that they in a social situation now
3. You have to do the talking until they are fully aware what's going on
4. They adjust, open up, respond (if they dont, they are not willing to switch into social mode, they have a different inner agenda, that's okay, don't take it personal)

2nd stage: The Proof

1. Women are looking for signs that you are "okay!" - if they feel "it's okay", they are willing to open up

3rd Stage: "This is okay"

1. The Eyes/Smile Sign: If they feel this "this is okay" they smile and there is a glaze in their eyes - you can switch to personal - if not, if they moving away with their bodys, if they are unresponsive, cold, closed, in a hurry, ready to leave - dont waste your time
2. ESL Rule: After Eyes/Smile Sign you have to lead (ESL: Eyes Smile = Lead) - You have to do the talking again, because again they need to adjust from: Moving/Thinking into -> This is a social situation into -> This is okay into-> This is personal

Personally I need to learn more about the "This is personal" stage, but now I have a clear idea how to get there.

This is awful. All my bad habits are back.

And even worse.

I am spending all the time being alone at my apartment. I had a number close at the beach and one in the city. But I refused to get in touch with them again. A girl was inviting me to join her for join her and her friends in some bars and I refused to join them. I am just hiding, reading comics all day and work, work, work.

I dont know what is wrong to me. I feel like I have no energy to get social. No clue where to start.
I dont know what to talk about. I am just a workaholic.
I added some bat habit: Drinking too much coffee, so I am on a constant caffein rush that makes me nervous and uncomfortable. It helps to stay focused during my work but beside that it is clearly a bad habit and a bad think because feeling like on a rush and being nervous makes people as well feeling uncomfortable.

I started with a plan for sports and workout. But I gave up. I hate sports, it always feels like a waste of time for me. But I have to do something.

Honestly, I have to fight my bad habit. But I don't know where to start. See, girls are inviting me or giving me their number so I can not be so such a social failure or such an uninteresting nerd.

I have a kind of headfuck I don't understand. Holding me back and isolate myself from the rest of the world. I was clearly working too much the last few years and now I have not that much besides my work. That is a problem.

I have to become clear how to get rid of these bad habits. I will make a plan. I need alternatives to these patterns.

Okay, I have to think different

Every bad habit is a hidden message. You have to change your point of view of it and see if there is anything good into it that can help you.

So I am a comic junkie. Could be something that makes me a nerd. Could be something that I can change into something interesting that adds value to my life and the life of others.

I have to take a look closer: I am interested in art. I am interested in story telling. I am interested in values. I am interested in science. I have also some solid skills in art by myself even when I am a professional programmer.

Let me think.

So I am interested in art. So I have to get more into art. I could prepare some files on my iPhone and iPad about art and may use them to talk with women about beauty, art and creativity. Its a tool for value. And also a tool for screening.

I have to think about my values. All these superhero comics are about values. It's about save your loved ones, stand up for your values, being special and make something special out of your life, set a mark in this world that can change it for the better. Man, if this is not the stuff women are excited about? When I extract these aspects from it's form (the comic) and create strong topics for conversation I may have will find some good conversation values in it.

So may I have to get more in my own art again. Making some sketches, get some stuff to build sculptures. I have a skill in these thinks, even when I choose my profession as a programmer.

Maybe I am hiding so much because there is a cluster of different skills plus a urge for creativity who are waiting to get up to the surface again? The question "Who am I, what am I - for real?"

So here is my first step:

Preparing some art. Create some files on my mobile devices.
Bring it into conversations.

Extract the values I am really attached to and create some conversation topics out of it.
Bring it into conversations.

Ever bad habit is a message. Every hiding is something waiting to show up.

Okay, reboot and new count of my points.

I spend additional money on my outfit. The idea is to raise my value and make a great first impression. I am giving myself 2 points for that.

I had talked to a lot of women on the street about direction or interesting details of the city. I am giving myself 1 point for it, roughly 0.10 for each of them.

I have prepared some art stuff I may can talk about. I am giving myself 1 point for this.

= 4 points

I had a numbers close. Pick up a girl on a beach, she was reading and I asked her if she enjoys what she read. Well, that simple. We talked for a while and I took her on an instant date. At the end I got my numbers close.

I am giving me 2 points for the numbers close and 0.50 for the instant date.

So I am at 6.50 points.

I will ask her out next week.

Okay: 2 Number Closes

Met some girls on the beach and went straight away to them! "Hey, how you doin'?" - I stopped worry about the opener! Who cares? The first seconds are just an social adjustment.

I kept talking. You have to do the talk in the first 2-3 minutes.

And I made the close. We agreed to get out one night and the both gave me their numbers. So a double number close! I am willing to give me 2 points for that.

I also opened am mixed set and made some cool helpful social contacts. 1 point for that.

The girl I was planning to take out this week is going to have an examen this week, but she ask me for next week so no bullshitty flake/shit test here.

9.50 Points so far.

My lesson:

1. You have to approach. Simple rule. You just have to do it.
2. Opener does not matter. First 3 - 30 seconds are a social adjustment. Not more not less.
3. You have to do the talk: First 3 seconds, first 30 seconds, first 1 minute, first 3 minutes - girls dont talk much in this phase - they use their inner radar to scan you. So you have to deliver. You have to do the talk.

I have an interesting idea. Will not only count my progress points but also points for my failures and bad calibration or bad habits. So there is a ratio at the end and this ration gives an idea of my true progress.

Today I had two failures: I met an gorgeous girl at the beach and she gave me very delicate sweet IOI but in the second before the Approach I froze and just pass her. I could talk to her, she seemed too young. Maybe 16. I am 40, I could not do it. She could be 16 - 23 honestly, I have no clue but her face was too young as I came closer, I had to pass this one. I hated myself so much for this, because she was so delicate, gorgeous, it hurt so much to let this one go, but I simply could not do it in that moment. The risk to hit on a 16 year old girl on a public beach was too high for what I could stand for this whole pick up thing. May it is a limited belief and I will hate myself for the rest of my life for this moment but anyway - there are boundaries in life and I am in a foreign country.

The second miss was a moving target I later on saw in the street, she passed and I would have been totally okay to stop her in this situation but I was looking into something I was more interested in that moment and so this moment passed to quickly, I was not there. Yeah, maybe excusing, maybe I could have run all the way to her, but, hell, I just missed this one. Yes, I hate me for that. But that is what happened.

2 Miss Points for these two situations.

So I have 9,5 : 2 - and a ratio of nearly 5:1 - that's nice. I have to keep this going to maintain my ratio.

I will not count crash and burn sets as failure or miss points. These things happen. It's part of the deal and it's not negative as long it does not happened by bad habits or bad calibration. Shit happens and some girls are mean or have a bad day - I will not give that any credit in my own emotional balance sheet.

One "solid" number from a girl at the beach flaked. This is a strong setback for me because she seemed very interested. -2 point on my scale.

-1 because I was too lazy to get out the last few days.

So my good/bad ratio is now: 9.5 : 5 = 2:1

Its a very tough spot here. The local people are not very interested to mingle with foreigners. We don't have many local "social areas" where you can mix and mingle. It's a very tough situation and I don't know how to handle it. It feels very bad today.

I really have to rethink, what I can do here. Or may I have to leave this city?
I will set up an plan how to handle it in the upcoming days.

Question: Why do girls flake?

My idea: If we are able to take a look at this phenomenon without taking it personal: It's a lack of value.

It's that simple. If a girl dont get back to you: You dont deliver value to her.

If you are very good looking you have instant value with girl and it more likely that they are getting back to you without flake.

By the fact that I am an average looking guy I can not count on this card nor play this card. I have to create and deliver other forms of value that makes girls exited.

What makes girls exited? What is "value" for them? By the fact that they are highly emotional and less rational: Everything that make them feel something.

As a certain man you can trigger bad emotions - and that can make girls excited. As long as it feels exciting. That is the asshole trigger!

Personally: I can not deliver asshole triggers to a women. I am not strong, tall, into sports or ego olympics. Cant do this (yet?) - they would not believe it when I come across that way.

Okay, what else exists beside this douchebag trigger in women? What kind of value makes women excited beside having intense feelings with a bad boy?

Did a 2 set at the beach. I am starting to screen my set immediately with my own interest - so that I become very quickly a basic idea where I stand with the girls I talk to: So I am starting with my interest in art and creativity.

This set for example was friendly, but I recognized immediately that they have not clue nor interest in art. So make these girls exciting about me would been unlikely. But I hold up the conversation for 3-4 minutes and it was okay, a friendly "okay set" but without direction. But it is good to know that I can do that.

I passed 3 other sets, I am not sure if this is still AA or a good sense for calibration I have got - because 2 both later on were joined by their boyfriends. And I have to be honest that I passed these ones because I sensed something "not so good" here.

Met a guy later on that could be a good help to know more people here.

I am giving me 0.35 for the 2set, 0.25 for the guy (social proof) = +0.65

10.15 : 5 = still a 2:1 ratio. I have to pick up more speed and maybe try more!

I am digging deeper in this value phenomenon: Why do girls flake?

Its is always a lack of value and a lack of value is a lack if excitement and feelings of sensation.

Let's take a look at the sexual part of this phenomenon.

If you want to create value to a girl by feelings of sensation and suspense you need to deliver: More value by a strong confident sexuality that makes a girl excited or curious to become a part of this sexuality. In general guys just want to fuck. But: What kind of "just fuck" delivers value to a girl? She can have it anywhere, anytime. And she knows that.

So what is delivering value to sexuality?

Playful.
Aggressive.
Dangerous.
Exploitive sexuality for some girls.

Anything that is not needy and adds "something" to "just fuck" - if I can add "just fuck" plus factor xy of sensation I will get better sexual results. Okay, factor xy depends on the girl - but that is where confidence starts: To ask her, to get to know at least some impressions what could be her personal xy of sexual sensation.

So we have to add xy of sexual sensation in our early (!) conversation - what ever xy is, you have to figure out. At least you add some value of sexual sensation if you try and show that you are confident with that. Most guys not even try, they just make their desperate move, their horny move or no move.

So my first personal lesson in adding value to my contact with girls is:

1. Understanding that she is not looking to fuck but for the sensation of a fuck + xy of sensation.
2. For xy you have to figure out. But you have to. Early.
3. At least you try, that is confidence. More than most guys do!

That's value.