Wednesday - 30/11/11
"Let Me Tell You a Story About My AFC"
I've been neglecting my AFC friends and I've been acting like a flakey HB...As you guys know I don't really have a social circle apart from the guys on this forum that I now consider to be my close friends (you know who you are), I just have a couple of AFC friends, ex-roommates or ex-workmates that I hang out with on occasion. These days for whatever reason I usually get a text or two during the weekend from one of them asking to hang out but unfortunately I work during the day and "come alive in the night time"

so I mostly tell them I'm busy. This Wed I happened to not be doing anything and apparently it was $2 Coronas at Bull and Firkin so I decided to stop being an asshole and join my buddy. I got there a little late and found him in a 5set (2girls 3guys), they all knew each other so I was little intimidated because I knew they would all have their inside jokes and stories. Although, if there's one thing I've learnt from PU it's that you can handle almost every situation if you approach it with confidence in yourself. So I introduced myselfk cracked a few jokes and then didn't force myself into their conversation I chatted with whoever was next to me. After maybe 30mins 2 guys left so it was just my buddy, the 2 girls and I.
I found out one HB is engaged (HbSingleLadies) and the other one is in a LTR, (HbTwilight) with the 2 guys that just left. My AFC buddy was surprisingly good at allowing me to isolate the girls I don't know if he did it on purpose but hey I don't even care. HbTwilight started to go on and on about her problems in her relationship, this is what she said summarized: My boyfriend is an asshole I don't know why I'm still with him, By no means am I a subservient person, I'm a independent girl I picked him up at my bar for God sakes. Every time he texts me drunk, saying "I need really you to come and pick me up from xxx bar, I can't get home by myself" I drop everything I'm doing (i.e. work) and drive across the city to go and get him and half of the time he just nonchalantly goes home before I even get there...
"Boo hoo, sad story" lol She actually repeated that last story multiple times trying to squeeze out a different perspective/reaction from it. I analyzed it from my knowledge of PU and observed a number things. First of all, I was clearly the only person, out of the four of us hearing the story for the first time...Second, my buddy is so deep in the friend-zone here I'm surprised he hasn't drowned, Third, this girl feeds off of drama (hence HbTwilight) I think she loves being that girl with the "OMG you'll never believe what Nick just did, I don't even know why I'm still with him!" story. She may not even realize it, she most likely even thinks she hates it but I'm sorry she's a drama fiend. Finally, she knows exactly what's wrong with her relationship because she explained it perfectly by herself yet she's still not willing to take action. Why, because she needs the drama but more importantly she's got low self-worth/esteem. She thinks she can change him, poor girl. I wasn't about to emulate my friend and be her shoulder to cry on but I still wanted to convey my thoughts on the matter so I decided to experiment on these girls, it seemed to work...
Scale of Relationship Investment (Credit to Devlin)
The first thing I taught them was about the the scale of investment between men and women at the beginning of a relationship vs during the relationship. When I first said, "Guys are more invested in a relationship..." HbTwilight immediately cut me off and said, "You're wrong!" I then told her to "Hold on and let me finish..." I knew this would touch her and I hadn't even gotten into the good stuff yet. I explained how if a guy meets a cute girl in bar, they have an amazing connection and she gives him her phone number. From that moment most men are super committed he's thinking, "I want to see this girl tomorrow, I'm going to call/text her and try and get her out asap." Possibly because he wants to fuck her, possibly because he wants something deeper either way he's committed to making it happen. The girl is thinking, "Ok, so I just met this awesome guy and I think we had a genuine connection but is he really genuine though or does he just want to get in my pants?" So everything she does from now on is coming from a skeptical mind-frame, even if she's free, she might say she's not just to see how determined he is or she might flake on certain dates that she perceives could lead to sex, she's way less committed. Meanwhile the guy is going, "Oh you live where? Sure I'll travel an hour across town to meet you" "Oh yeah, I did have plans with my friend but I'll cancel." (extremely committed) Now let's say they go out on a couple dates and he passes all her little tests, they have an amazing time, they have sex and it's awesome, everything's wonderful. Fast forward six months to a year later, the girl at this point fully trusts her now boyfriend and she's emotionally invested in this relationship willing to do anything to make it work, "You're hungry? I'll make you a sandwich honey," she calls/texts him everyday just to let him know she's thinking about him...The guy at this point feels like "Hey, I've got the girl now it's time to get back to hanging out with my boys..." So he starts to put his friends ahead of her and she's stuck at home/work sending texts like, "Where are you?" And now he's way less committed to the relationship while she's become super committed and drama ensues...While I explained this the girls were dead silent and just entranced, I asked them what they thought and they responded, "You're absolutely right!" in unison. :p
Knowing Your Value (Credit to Fable)
Girls never seize to amaze me HbTwilight is at least hot enough to attract much better guys than her boyfriend, she's also intelligent and has actual solid opinions on life but she doesn't see herself that way, she feels that her boyfriend is what she deserves, it's twisted man! At some point she mentioned that her bf is moving provinces soon, so I asked if she was moving with him and she says, "No, I'm not invited...

"lol I felt bad for her but I was still not going to be her shoulder to cry on so I didn't try to console her I just asked, "If he invited you, would you go?" and she responded, "Of course, of course..." At this point my buddy took HbSingleLadies out for a smoke and HbTwilight decided to stay with me. We got back into the whole relationships debate and I could tell through subtext that every point she made or at least tried to make was somehow related to her boyfriend. I decided to teach her about valuing herself:
Me: People don't realize they're value personally, I know who I am and derive happiness from that, I mean right now I have women in my life that I date and have sex with but I could be the loneliest guy in the world and still be happy (I wish lol) because I know my value...For the most part I don't care what people think of me, I think a lot of people are afraid to say hey look "I'm proud of who I am" (she chimed in a bit essentially adding to my point) and I love myself because they will get judged and because we've been taught not show off growing up so that we don't make other people feel bad. But why should I sacrifice my own self-worth to make some else happy, well I say fuck that I know I'm a good looking guy and that women are attracted to me (she nods), that I'm a good person, that I'm intelligent and I'm fun to be around, that's my value why should I hide it? I'm not afraid to tell people the truth and I'm not douche bag about it so I find that people actually respect me for it. So If I go up to a girl and she rejects me I might be upset for 10seconds but then I remember my value.
HbTwilight: I wish I had your confidence, when I get rejected it takes me a much much much longer time to get over it.
Me: Know your value and never give someone more value than you get in return. (Translation: Don't stay with a guy that treats you like crap while you shine his balls everyday, you're better than that.) It's like the whole friend zone thing.
HbTwilight: I don't believe in it...
Me: Psssh think about how many male friends you have, do you have a lot? (She nods) Out of those guy friends you're telling me that if they all tried to push your relationship to the next level every single one would have a chance?
HbTwilight: (She thought about it for a second) Hahaha Hell no!
Me: That's the friend-zone...Now, If I hang out with a girl that I'm sexually attracted to and while she likes me, she only sees me as a friend why would I hang out with her anymore?
HbTwilight: What if she's a really good person and needs someone to talk to?
Me: That's great but she should find somebody else to talk, not me...If I'm sexually attracted to you and all you want is for me to sit here and listen to your problems, who do you think is getting hurt here?
HbTwilight: You...
Me: Exactly, it's like you want what I have to offer my companionship, my humour, my knowledge and you're giving me nothing in return but sexual frustration. So in those situations I just make my intentions crystal clear. I'd say, "Look I'm attracted to you so I cannot be your "friend" it's fine if you don't feel the same way but I'm not the kind of guy who likes to bullshit." and done.
HbTwilight:: Haha it's so ironic because then they'll start to want you because women want what they can't have. haha
A little later my AFC friend came back with HbSingleLadies and began to talk about how he's got a "complicated situation..." He's trying to use some girl to get another girl and he's kind of in the friend-zone with the one that he likes but hopefully she'll realize how much nice of a guy he is and they magically fall in love...He also said that HbTwilight & her bf aren't actually together anymore but they still live together and that her bf also likes the girl that he likes. It's only complicated because he's making it complicated, from what they said and I observed HbTwilight's bf is an Alpha and he's a "bad boy" so he's more inclined to just go up to her and directly ask her out and then my buddy will be checking into the Masturbation Plaza, I explained that to him hopefully he takes my advice goes for what he wants and honestly what he deserves.
Lessons Learned
I never expected to learn so much from this kind of interaction but this is why I value and desire having plutonic female friends. The ironic part is these girls were probably thinking, "Why aren't I dating this guy?" especially HbTwilight, I got so many IOIs from her when we were in isolation but, the logistics would have never panned out. She was with her engaged best friend, my AFC friend was there and he's friends with their significant others.
Find Comfort in the Silence meaning don't panic if you're feeling left out of a group conversation. I used to try hard to fit in in these type of scenarios, which just creates awkward moments, so sit back comfortably, listen, laugh
when you actually find something funny, and speak up when you actually have an opinion. Relax, don't try and talk for the sake of talking, you'll have your chances just make sure to take them when they come...When I arrived at the pub I found my friend with four people that I didn't know and wasn't expecting it, sure I felt intimidated, sure they had they're inside jokes/stories that I didn't get, but I didn't let that make me feel uncomfortable I just spoke to whoever was idle and when I had an opinion, I didn't ask, "Oh what does that mean?" or "Who did that?" forcing them to have to explain every little tedious detail. Eventually, I had my chance, I took over the conversation, I had something interesting to say and from then on they encouraged me to speak...
TheShowman said it best in is his journal, "the best conversational topic is her" Women love to meet a guy who seems to know it all when it comes to them and relationships and they love being told about themselves. You're almost guaranteed to be the most unique guy they've ever met if you can sit down and tell them about themselves without really getting to know them. These girls were 10 years older than me and were taking dating advice from me lol, a lot of times they almost had completely opposing views from me but I kept a strong confident frame, had the facts to back up my opinions and the end result was that I shifted their whole mindset. It's fascinating to expel all this knowledge that I've accumulated onto the fairer sex and for it to be spot on 80% of the time. It's mostly bad to get advice on picking up women from women when you have no knowledge but when you have your own experience and philosophies it's simply fun...I ❤ PU
Red Ranger Out!