Hey!
You are what you want to be . All those things you said are in your hands if you don't want to be immature or a "clown" then don't be what's stopping you from doing it? Don't look for excuses if you want something go get it.
I think you are the "clown" type to look for validation, you don't need that. You have to work on your self confidence and once you do that can build the new you. Do you know what I mean?
Check this 2 inspirational videos. I watch them every day and they helped me out a lot. Stop looking for excuses and start thinking what you can do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuFcJfO ... XvDO5SHQKM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0HsXw4 ... jdWDRfxft5
How great can you be? Watch the videos and you will know what I'm talking about