I've been thinking lately, and I can't explain why. So if someone could clarify this, please do.

Why does getting cheated on hurt? I know it hurts freakin' bad, I'm just curious as to why, cause I can't figure it out. If you boil it down to what it actually is, it's weird that it actually hurts in the first place, because it's physical contact with another guy (assuming you're a man in the relationship).

So why then does it not hurt when your girlfriend, for instance, shakes hands with another guy?


Then going one step beyond that, why do we feel the need for exclusivity? (Assuming she's someone you care about and have feelings for), because we don't care about exclusivity when it's some random girl you're sleeping with.

Why can't we just share her with other guys if she wanted to? Why does the fact that she has sex with other people hurt? You don't feel anything from that other guy, and she'll still stay with you and come back to you. So why the need for exclusivity (e.g. being monogamous)?


To draw it back as to why I'm asking this question and why it has popped into my mind lately. Is because I'm dating a girl that only wants me as a fuckbuddy (and I want exclusivity, because the thought of her fucking other guys makes my stomach sink). Why can't I just be happy with the awesome time I'm spending with her?

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An approach a day keeps the guru away.

I always figured it was the lying that hurt.

When you enter an exclusive relationship, you are making a promise to treat your significant other differently. You will care about them, take care of them, all that random crap in marriage vows. And you are promising that your significant other is the ONLY person that gets that SPAM. When you cheat, you break that promise.

As for the need for monogamy, I think its mostly cultural. Religion teaches that monogamy is so much better, and its stuck. From an economic standpoint...well raising a child is fucking expensive. I certainly don't have the money to support 3 kids, much less with 3 different mothers.

It robs you of that one special place which was reserved for you.

And you go down on the "well being scale" and that sucks.

You risk losing more than just your exclusive spots, you risk losing your girl.

Plus you were decieved by someone you trust.

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I'm not trying to be a dick Ezo, but you're being a Pick Up Snob in my opinion.

bbardot: you just reminded me about porn

First of all, this girl isn't cheating on you. She's expressed that she plays this game by different rules, and you can either play by those rules or go find someone else to play with. There are a lot of people (myself included) who aren't looking for exclusivity in our relationships at all, even with the people we care about deeply, the people we love. If she had told you that you were her one and only, THEN decided to go fuck a dozen dudes, she'd be a scumbag cheatyface. But she hasn't, she's been honest and upright with you about what she wants from a relationship with you, and you should respect that sort of honesty. It doesn't come along very often.

As for why it's painful, that's a bit of a different thing to talk about, but this place is all about tough love, so I'm going to give it to you straight: It's painful because you're scared. It's painful because you don't think you're good enough for her. It's painful because it tromps on those insecurities you have that say, if she tastes the cock of another man, she will find it sweeter than yours, and she will leave you and be with him instead. It isn't painful because of anything she's doing, it isn't painful because of anything he's doing, it's painful because you are terrified somewhere in your core that you are not good enough and that if she spends time with other dudes, she's going to notice.

I mean, you've got her fooled right now. She still thinks you're cool enough to hang out with. She thinks you're cute enough to have your penis in her once in a while and that's wicked. But what happens when she figures out that other guys are bigger, stronger, sexier, more confident, vikings in the sack, have better jobs, better cars, better houses, bigger dicks and jizz that tastes like peaches and cream? Well shit, there goes your girlfriend, and you're going to be left alone and sad for the rest of your life because you're never going to be able to find another girl like her, not one in the three billion women who live on this planet.

You feel the need for exclusivity because you are scared shitless that she will compare, and that you will not measure up and that she will leave you.

Except, she isn't going to leave. She's already told you that, apparently. She likes you. So what the fuck are you afraid of, really? Nothing. You are jumping at shadows.

So my unsolicited advice is this: Stop worrying about this girl, because you aren't ready for her yet. You need some time to get your insecurities worked out and figure out why you think this incredibly honest girl is going to disappear forever if she's enjoying the wild rumpus with some other dude(s). What is it about the way you see yourself that makes you believe you're inferior to those imaginary other men?

While you're getting that sorted, educate yourself. Go buy a copy of the Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton and a copy of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Both are solid books on the subject of polyamory and non-monogamy. The first is a lot more focused on poly and is pretty utopian. The second is almost a how-to manual and has been a lifesaver for my relationships.

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Repent now and save 50% on your next divine judgment.
-Monkey's Little Brother, Spud

Appreciate the honest advice. Tough love and criticism is the only way to learn.

Just to clear something up;
1. She's not my girlfriend, we're just dating.
2. I never said she cheated on me and I've actually told her that I LOVED her honesty, multiple times. It is indeed a rare thing these days.
This sounds so logical... but for some reason I can't accept it. I think you're right though, I just need some more time to process this.
How the f*ck do you do that? Is that described in the books, I'll definitely read them asap.

Also, I've told her that it's best if we don't hang out anymore. I'd rather not fuck her and try and forget about her. Than fucking her and then her telling me about other dudes she fucked, because that hurts me too much. How f*cked up is that?

So again I'll ask, how does it not affect you that the fact that a person you care about deeply, and love, sucks the cock of some other dude and having him cum all over her face?

I'm dying to know. I'll do anything to learn.

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An approach a day keeps the guru away.

I guess the biggest part of it for me was the realization that I don't own the women I love and I don't own their sexuality. They get to do whatever they want with their sex, and the fact that they've decided to share it with me is pretty great.

Most people are a lot more considerate than to tell you all about their latest conquests. One of the first things you need to consider when entering into non-monogamous relationships is "What are you cool with?" How much do you want to know? Do you want to know she's had sex with a dude? How do you want that information delivered? Some people are cool with a detailed story like girls gossiping. Others, like me, just want a simple "So, I slept with such-and-stuff." Sometimes I'll ask if she had fun, and that's the whole of the conversation. That's all I want to know.

Establishing your boundaries, finding out what you're cool with and what you're not cool with, is a long, difficult, mostly painful process. It's taken a lot of work to get to the point I'm at now. It also means you need to dedicate yourself to pushing those boundaries, to living in that uncomfortable space until you've gotten over whatever silly insecurities are holding you back. I'm still not perfect, I still have jealous spats, but I go LOOKING for those things now, so that I can kick the crap out of them.

Most of this stuff is in the books, yes. Learning to open your relationships up is one of the coolest things I've ever done, and it's led to some incredible experiences, but it's also one of the most difficult things I've ever done. So you have fair warning.

As for your specific question, I'll turn it around on you: Why DOES it affect you? It doesn't really have anything to do with you. She isn't yours. She doesn't belong to you. He probably doesn't even know you. So why does it matter at all? How does this actually affect your life?

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Repent now and save 50% on your next divine judgment.
-Monkey's Little Brother, Spud

It doesn't. I wrote it out loud, what I wanted from her in terms of having any kind of relationship (it was: fun interactions, affection and sex), and that I would still get them even if she was seeing and having sex with other people. That's why I was confused as to why I felt jealousy and pain.

And yes, it was jealousy. Now I'm not sure whether it's the lack of sleep, or what you said has struck home. But yes, I was scared of losing her if she found someone else that's better than me. I guess it was my insecurities. Being able to admit this to myself was hard, I wouldn't accept it haha

but now that I have... I don't feel so shit anymore thinking about her with some other dude. I'm fine with it. And to be honest, it's weird that now thinking about the same mental images as earlier that the feeling of hurt and jealousy doesn't come up anymore.

I think realizing that her fucking other men, doesn't necessarily mean that she won't spend time with me anymore has allowed me to cope with the feelings of sadness and jealousy.


It's like a whole new chapter has opened up for me now. I even look back, and I've done a lot more stuff just to "keep" her in my life and not lose her. Not only her, but other woman too.

For instance, trying to meet up with her at every possible time she had some spare time, just so she couldn't meet up with other men. Hardly worked obviously. But just realized I was doing this. How pathetic.


Huge epiphanies tonight.

Thanks... so... much. You have no idea.


p.s. Is it okay to tell her you DON'T want to hear about the other people she's seeing, or is this really selfish to try and limit her from talking about it? Just in case jealousy rears it's ugly head again

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An approach a day keeps the guru away.

Absolutely you can tell her you don't want to hear it. That's a boundary you have, and it's a totally valid boundary to have. For the sake of your sexual safety, I would suggest that you should know who she's seeing and what her fluid-bonding status is with all of them (were condoms used?), but that's a thing you can work up to. I would work it something like this:
You'll obviously want to rework that so that it doesn't sound quite so much like Monkey, but you get the idea.

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Repent now and save 50% on your next divine judgment.
-Monkey's Little Brother, Spud

all I know is when I have sex with a girl, and we continue to talk or hang out (or sex) if she fucks another guy wether we have a confirmed relationship or not.. im out. Im confident, if I'm not good enough to have all the sexual attention from her, then shes not good enough for me. I just dont like a girl that has a standard for herself to sleep with multiple guys in a given amount of time. (of course i play the double standard n sleep with whoever whenever unless im really into her). But if shes going to become my girl, i want her to not want to slee with anyone, i want her closed doors to other men except me. Then if she can show that, shes worth keeping.

And I'm sure you can see how, for those of us who value women as people, that double standard might be something of an issue.

If you want a monogamous relationship, that's totally your call. I'm not going to suggest that you should want to be poly. It sure isn't for everyone.

But what you are currently telling me is that you're a lying, cheating cunt, and you expect her to be entirely loyal to you. That she doesn't have to fill all of your sexual needs, but you damn well better fill all of hers. And that if you can't, if she needs to find some other man to make her cum, that somehow makes her deficient.

I personally find that a lot less morally defensible than a woman choosing to openly and honestly enjoy relationships with more than one man. And do not mistake me, your girls are enjoying relationships with more than one man; they're just not telling you.

Me, I like the honesty.

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Repent now and save 50% on your next divine judgment.
-Monkey's Little Brother, Spud

Awesome, now I just have to tell her I was being an idiot without sounding like a little bitch haha

I guess I'll just tell her I was jealous, and it was stupid to feel this way and that I'm over it now.

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An approach a day keeps the guru away.

Hm, well to chime in with my 2 cents, I have been told I may have a (mild) superiority complex or something of that nature, but my thought process of "why I don't like it when *my* girl cheats" (in the case of an exclusive relationship) is because I get hugely disappointed in her/life because I firstly am going to have to admit to dating someone who either has no taste or isn't paying attention to who I am and secondly I just think it's fucking disgusting some other random gross dude has his hands on "my" (I know it's not really mine) stuff. It decreases the value of the girl to me by a lot.

Hypothetically, I am pretty confident that if my monogamous gf would leave me/cheat on me with a guy I felt was on my level I would be pretty unphased by it (this is the reason why my superiority complex is mild, I do still think there are people who are as good as me or even better at some things). It's really like with anything else I consider to be mine, really. If someone wants to know for sure how well I think of them they only need ask me to lend them a book. There are about 5 people I know to whom I would comfortably lend a book without problems (out of the hundreds that I've met). With the rest I would be worried I'd get the book back stained and smelly.

Of course there is also some of the stuff Monkey points out: a sense of loss, deprivation etc but I think that is pretty universal.

The point of my post: I was wondering if anyone else experiences this kind of situation like this?

Very good thread here and one that's near and dear to my heart. I've learned that the only relationships that work for me are non-monogamous ones, either open, semi-open or swinging.

It's funny, I've been cheated on and it is some of the worse emotional pain I can imagine. It devistated me and left me feeling inadequate and terrible about myself. At the same time, I simply cannot stayinterested in long-term sexual exclusiveness, so I had a tendency to cheat.

Then things changed.

When I tried my first swinging relationship, it amazed me. When all the sneaking around was removed, and I was witness to, and in some ways involved in the process, I wasn't one bit jealous being in the same room while my gal was having hot, filthy sex with another man. Of course, I was with other women also. Our communication got better. We shared an intimacy that I'd never experienced before. For us, it strengthed our relationship and neither one of us were worried about the other one cheating.

Since then, I've grown to be comfortable with completely open situations and don't ever see myself in a completely sexually monogamous relationship again. But like Monkey said, I have hard boundries that must be respected. I'm still capable of feeling jealousy, after all. If it takes place in front of me, it doesn't bother me one bit. In fact, I like seeing her give and recieve pleasure. If I'm not there, I don't want details AT ALL...I may not even want to know it happened.

But, that's what works for me. Sexuality is a big, messy subject. I have other friends who are naturally monogamous and have no interest of letting their lady experience another lover while they were together.

I want to echo Monkey on two other points; you don't own her sexuality, and she doesn't own yours. That said, it's not an easy journey and I don't recommend anyone just rush into it.

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Indulgence not compulsion.

I didnt read the replies..

But its just because the whole fantasy of purity is ruined...

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I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly, and all those who look down on me I'm tearin down your balcony, no if ands or buts, don't try to ask him why or how can he

Great insights from a man with experience. thx
Probably, but doubt it. Because I can talk about all crazy past experiences a girl has gone through when I first meet them. Believe me, they are not pure haha I don't care and I don't judge them for it obviously. But after feelings get involved and she's talking about recent experiences when we're involved that's when the jealousy kicks in.

Knowing that it comes from my own insecurities of her leaving me for someone better helps a lot, I have Monkey to thank for that

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An approach a day keeps the guru away.