So, I've broken down and have decided to write a digital journal. For transparencies sake, since my physical paper bound journal is not keeping me honest, like I hope you will. Not going to tell you my life story, if you wish to read it, the link is in my sig...Please feel free to chime in and correct any of my thoughts which may or may not be misguided. This is a "Life Empowerment" journal, not just an approach/FR journal. Sharplin once said "Starting a journal was probably the best game decision I've ever made." and I see others like AFC Daniel and tweeby really bettering themselves, so hopefully this gives me a push!




"Regretting the past, looking forward to the future, while never being satisfied with the present, this is how my life is spent." - Tchaikovsky

"If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person?" - Chuck Palahniuk

“When the fight begins within himself, a man's worth something.” - Robert Browning

Currently Reading:
60 Years of Challenge
Introducing NLP

Currently Watching:
21 Convention Youtube
The Mens Room

In Queue:
Magic Bullets

Game Material Consumed: $$$
The Game
The Rules of the Game
The Mystery Method/Venusian Arts Handbook
Double your Dating
DeAngelo's - Approaching Women
Gamblers Stealth Seduction
Gamblers Approaching Confidence NLP CD
Annihilation Method
Layguide
GameOn
One of the best videos on Logistics of pickup by AFCAdam
+Hours of Youtube/old Podcasts

Threads that I still want answers about:
closing-playlist-vt96507.html

Threads that have helped me:
is-dance-club-game-all-caveman-an-fr-fo ... 95157.html
attractive-to-whom-vt85255.html
image-consulting-hair-stylists-vt94645.html
confidence-in-business-go-with-flow-or- ... t85187.htm

Milestones/notable moments so far:
(have not left this blank by accident)

_________________
Havok
My intro thread & Story - so-i-post-vt85070.html
My Journal - here-vp508498.html

Goals, Dreams + Asperations, & Screw ups

Dreams:
Happiness...I want to be the guy who has multiple FB's in the black book, I want to eventually find a woman to have my children, maybe settle down if there is such a thing as a soul mate...My first million by 25 (I am almost 23), and I want to take a company public...I'd describe my current life as lonely, and depressing...My goal is to be oposite of that!


Objectives:
Kill my AA
Confidence
style
fitness
social skills
seduction skills
..and the imposible, to understand women on a deeper level. Sure I want women and Money but I think those will come with my progress.


Sticking Points:
Aproach Anxiety
Social Shyness/Awkardness
Physical Condition
Body Hair
Insecurities ^


Problems I need to overcome:
Not taking action - If I want something I usually find an excuse not to give it to myself

_________________
Havok
My intro thread & Story - so-i-post-vt85070.html
My Journal - here-vp508498.html

Hey man good luck. Awesome goals. What kind of company are you starting? I'll be following your log and will drop in with helpful tips when you start posting FRs on here.

Glade

_________________
My mPUA pickup journal: mpua-glades-log-of-pick-up-and-life-vt99032.html

Thanks man, I actually have a few businesses, but my new one is in mobile technologies. I'm in OKC every once and a while, your gonna have to show me a few good spots some time...

Updates:

Joined a full on gym...stopping P90X, getting out of the house is helping...Been spending the last few weeks on logistics, I found I used to do a lot to sabotage myself...Now there is nothing stopping me from doing anything, besides myself.

FR #1 - A night that went so wrong

Was looking forward all week to go out sarge Friday night, finally got some friends together and we were going to go party and sarge. Keep in mind no dudes in my social circle have ever wanted to go out and club, they are all home busy playing wow, whatever, but I want some pussy!

Spent about an hour getting ready....started the night out bad by accidentally cutting a hole in my ballsack...Don't ask, but wow. Not as painful as I thought it would be...but damn! So I'm ready to go out, trying to get the crew together, and everyone backs out...Screw it, still want to go out...walk outside, and my car had got broken into...an hour later after talking to the cops and taking care of all that I finally hit the road....It's time to roll up to the club! It's gonna sound dumb but I have a pre-game ritual that puts me in the mood...I like to listen to LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem in my car...well couldn't do that because my FM transmitter was gone, but oddly enough when the theifs were tearing through all my consoles and glovebox, they left a rubber out in the open (that I didn't even know I had in there)....It was a sign.

Now, time to come clean here....The only approaches I have ever made are in a loud club/rave environment...No verbal, just caveman....It was going to be another night like that...still have far too much AA to do a cold approach verbally.

I've been trying to build clout in the club scene around here, using some of the social domination ideas...Well, I got VIP in the club, drink service, and reserved seating...I was talking to big name DJ's and it was obvious to everyone paying attention that I was in with the people running the show...

I had a place to isolate now...it was upstairs overlooking the dance floor...now, in the afternoon I was thinking I wasn't going to buy drinks, but after everything I went through earlier I said screw it, and had a few drinks before the dance floor got hot. Liquid courage, pain numbing, but not great for my witts...I had 12 bourbon and cokes, like an idiot.

Alright, semantics out of the way...Time to get it on....

Approach #1:

Was talking to a DJ, fairly large name, and some HB7's walked by, I looked at them, glanced at the DJ, he was smiling, I had to do something....I caught the eye of one of them and gestured for them to come over...At this point the music is really really loud, I introduced the DJ by name to the more attractive one and took the other by hand, I introduced myself and they introduced themselves, though I have no idea what they said it was so loud! LOL I was done talking to the DJ so I let him hang out with that chick (He f closed, btw, in the club!?) , and I gestured for this other HB to go down and dance. I take lead and pull her onto the dance floor and we both seem to be having a good time...As was recommended in an earlier thread, we danced for a few songs, I was getting tired, and although I had started to kino, she had already lost interest, I could see it in her face...So, I moved on, she started dancing with one of the gogo dancers. Rave blow out, onto the next...

_________________
Havok
My intro thread & Story - so-i-post-vt85070.html
My Journal - here-vp508498.html

Seems to be a length limit?

^ Did not escalate fast enough...

Approach #2:

There is a HB6.5 bartender on the top floor of this club that I've always been good too, tip, ect over the last few months....They say a hired gun TOUGH...but I figured why not...well accidentally giving her a $6 tip on a $4 drink made the decision for me! lol (gave her a $10 instead of a $5), anyway, everyone was enjoying the show, so she was not busy, she often leaves the bar and hangs out in the area in front of it, so I got a drink and gestured she come out and hang out. My goal was a # close...not like I could do anything else while she was working...though that might be the right mindset...we enjoy some of the song and a massive drop, then she sees some clients, and I pulled out my phone and gave it to her...Number close!!!! (first one)

Approach #3:

And final for the night...I go back down stairs and by now I am really loosened up, confident because of the number close...weasil my way to the front of the dance floor and "bump" into a very fine young lady wearing what I can only describe as "slut clothes". She also had a pacifier in her mouth...drugs...Whatever, anyway, I take her by the hands and smile, we dance for two songs and she says she needs a drink...Shes a minor, obviously not able to get one on her own....I am not into drugs, or giving stranger kids alcohol. Anyway, I got another drink, she got a water, and we went and sat at the ground floor tables...She grabs my drink and takes a gulp, I grab my drink and motion no-no! (thinking I can push pull), Anyway, we hang out, talk a little bit...she wants to be a model, lol...I ask her up to the VIP and we hang out up there for about half an hour...She slipped something in my drink...not sure if it was x, acid, bars, or whatever, it screwed me up...I think it was when I was talking to someone I had met earlier. I freaked out when It started feeling me, lost interest in the poon, went downstairs and tried to ride it out...

Anyway, I stayed till 3AM, and headed to an after hours club (at a strip club) for the promotors after party (I know right?), anyway, I should have gotten a cab home after those drugs, whatever they were, first and last time...make it to the club, park on the street, got mugged, only had $20 on me, I pleaded with the guys to let me keep my wallet....got the promoter to let me in, but wasn't feeling it...left at about 5AM after being an AFC for about 1.5 hours....FR1 in the books...I need to man up and hit actual adult 21+ clubs, or get my day game and bar game on...The club scene isnt working out for me! (though its mostly fun)

_________________
Havok
My intro thread & Story - so-i-post-vt85070.html
My Journal - here-vp508498.html

FR #3

Went out 3 times since my last report, nothing much to say...I am a pussy! AA/Shyness that I cannot seem to shake...Been meeting a lot of nice looking/acting women, talking to them, but nothing much else...It's like nothing is sexual, and any attempt at escalation is just seen as awkward and I blow out the set....Ran into some other PUA's at a bar saturday night, talked some game, and did some sarging, but nothing came of it...It was late, loud, and I was fairly lit, gotta stop drinking.

I've had two chances to have chicks over to my place, once thursday, and once last night...but I noticed that I always find an excuse...Been thinking long and hard about it the last few days, and I think I might actually be nervous about getting laid, although it's the only thing I've wanted for myself in the last year...It occured to me that I am probably ambushing any chances I have of getting laid subconsciously, and I am trying to figure out what that means, and, or figure out how to get past it...Maybe I am waiting for someone I have feelings for? Past physical lust?

Trying to find stuff on calibration so when I escalate I don't blow out, and any psychology stuff to help me out with the fact that I am "scared" to get laid in a real social situation.

Oh, and the oneitis I referenced a little in past, well she txt'd me, said she missed me, and wanted to see me...kinda stewed up a bunch of emotions...I want her bad, but if I pull the trigger and try and get into a relationship with her, I know she will run, and it will destroy our friendship, so IDK, been on my mind for the last day or so...Got table service at a vip club last night, invited her but she said she was with two guy friends...I know I shouldn't think about this chick, bah!

Finally, a quote, from a TV show she had me watch, BTW, lol:

Don Draper: “Ken, you’lll realize in your private life that at a certain point seduction is over, and force is actually being requested.”
Fred Rumsen: “Ah, he’s a kid, he thinks it’s the other way around.”

I'm still a kid, I guess.

_________________
Havok
My intro thread & Story - so-i-post-vt85070.html
My Journal - here-vp508498.html

Not a field report, just an update...

I ended up getting admitted to the ER Tuesday, needless to say I am never sick, ended up working out to being ok, but I had a death scare. I'm fine, but I am left with a feeling that I have a lot of work to do on myself....the doctor came in, said what I had was serious, and as they started wheeling my bed out of the ER room right into surgery, the first thing that ran though my mind was that I was gonna die without knowing the love of a woman, I have no offspring...this freaked me out, I remember thinking life was not fair. I did not think about my family, my business, or my friends before they put me under, kinda selfish in retrospect, but interesting none the less.

Reproducing is all we have, we are worthless in life without reproducing. I realized, I want a kid sooner than later.

Read a lot in the hospital, almost done with 60, good stuff. Got into NLP a bit, but find it confusing and hard to read, am I alone?

_________________
Havok
My intro thread & Story - so-i-post-vt85070.html
My Journal - here-vp508498.html

New innergame stuff:

Happiness is a choice, getting laid, getting money, none if it will make me happy, happiness is a state, its not a goal, or an endgame. I am happy now, I am havok and I get what I want. No rejection or awkward situation can get me down now, there is no time to let it get to me!

Once I get some color back and get rid of this sickness I am gonna hit the bars/clubs hard!

_________________
Havok
My intro thread & Story - so-i-post-vt85070.html
My Journal - here-vp508498.html

Hi Havok, I have read a few of your posts, they are great. I hope you get to the clubs/bars asap, and your right Happiness is a choice! A choice that is harder to make for me then it should be! stay positive

Thanks man!

PS, I AM BACK! Tonight I picked up a hooker, without knowing it, almost got arrested. HAHAHA

I've got a story and a quick "I need advice" type deal...Lets start with the story, because its just good.

So, in my two weeks of being sick as fuck I worked on a lot of inner game stuff, really got into NLP and reframing, so I feel good, and am working on my confidence issues, the one or two issues that are really keeping me back...Anyway, last night was the first night to go out, and I eased into it...went out, ate, barhopped, pitched an opener or two I had read on here...Ended the night with friends and really just treating myself to a good time...Got the # of the waitress we had, another hired gun sarge so thats cool...I noticed she was hovering, and so I just kept playing with her, cut her off, called her a stalker, then accused her of trying to get me drunk...She left her # on my tab, not sure if that was a true # close or a cop out...haha

Anyway, TONIGHT. Oktoberfest is in town, so I went to that in a WWII Germans officer outfit, with a twist. Feel kinda fun and gay to dress up, but I always run my best game when I do...I didn't have any traditional german clothes, but I did have a german officer outfit from a movie I shot in college...anyway...

The other guys were wearing the traditional clothes, Lets just say I got some looks...Go fill up my stein, and stroll up on a table, 5 set together, 3 chicks, 2 dudes...was going to roll play but one of the guys tried to AMOG me before I even said anything. Starting calling me a facist and everything, he kept the hits coming, so I just laughed and in my best german accent said tisk tisk you are making a scene, then busted out in a fake laugh...And decided to try and run a destroyer on him....I stuck my hand out to shake, leather glove on, and said, your mr cool guy, what is your name? I winked at the 5th wheel blond chick with them (now realize that was the wrong move) and as I predicted teh guy gripped the hell out of my hand...I was expecting it so I said woah there yankee, you do not have to strangle my hand. the war is over...At this point I sat damn and told the 5th wheel he must be trying to prove something...At this point I had no idea where to go with small talk from there and lost the set, it went cold and I moved on...I felt on fire at first...

Anyway, I get up and started being totally AFC, instead of jumping into another set or group I walked around all the tables for a while...Then I started seeing people I knew and decided to bail before I embarrassed myself...Anyway, As I was leaving I said down with the rhike, I am defecting to Ireland, onto "name of pub"...

Went to my vehicle, went home and changed real fast into some normal clothes, then went to the local pub... That was uneventful and I went to go meet some friends at a local high end dance club...$20 cover but the ladies are always young and fine...

Opened 3 sets and met some people, got a few numbers...then there was this smoking brunette hanging out on the other side of a bar...pink dress, awesome fake tits, I just had to go after that...Without thinking much I opened with my favorite pickup lines...kinda dont like lines, but she was so hot I was kinda in awe of what to do...

Me: "I've been wondering all night, how much does a polar bear weigh?"
Her: "haha that is silly, I hear that all the time!"
Me: "Yeah, but it made you smile, your cute when you smile!" (Thought that might have been the wrong thing to say)
Her: "Aw thanks, I think I've seen you around town, do you come her often?"
Me: "I've been coming for years, but I'd remember if I had seen you before!" (TOTAL AFC)
Her: "You'd be surprised."
Me: "Try me, (I put my hand on her upper arm to start kino), so what are you doing in a place like this?"
Her: "Just having fun!"

Anyway, I kept trying escelating, 2 steps forward, one back...and not 5 min in she says hey, you want to get out of here? I am thinking, "NO FUCKING WAY, this is too easy, a fools mate, or maybe a shit test!" So, I say, I'm not sure, I want to hang out and dance for a while! She insisted we leave, so I was not going to say no...

We get outside onto the street and she puts her back to the side of the wall and tells me her name, and asked where I lived...My head, chest, and groin are all starting to pound now, haha....Next thing I know, I shit you not, two DPD detectives walk up to us and break us up, throw me against the wall and start asking questions...then the guy tells me she is a prostitute and it looked like I was soliciting sex. I looked over at me and got that look, yeah she was a hooker. I spent 15 min talking to the cop telling him all this and that I had no intention to pay for sex, at no point had she told me she was a hooker yada yada...Finally I started breaking down my game on her with him and he decided to release me...what a shit show!

Trying to keep this post brief:

OK, So there is this other chick I have been talking too, I've known her for a year or so now, and we almost hooked up a year ago at Christmas, we went to the same school, lived across the street from eachother and it got so close that she asked if I had rubbers and she almost came to my apartment...things fell apart, she talked herself out of it that night, and I barely knew what LMR was much less how to deal with it...Anyway, just recently we started talking again on facebook, and every few days she keeps telling me she is horny and wants to fuck...So then I start pushing with her and she says she can't...blah blah blah, religion, sinful, she wants a relationship, LMR bullshit...so tonight she texts me and says she wants to fuck and suck dick...I am starting to get pissed because I want to fuck too and I know she is just blowing smoke up my ass. Shes not hot, but the way she offers herself to me is attractive...Anyway, I have tried to freeze her out but she is very passive about it, its like she does not care if it happens or notl...

So do I tell her to quit being a cocktease and block her? The next time she says It, even if its 3AM should I say I am going to come over and fuck her? Should I shoot her a message and tell her to come over for dinner, then sit with her on the couch and go for it? Some advice is needed. Again, not a looker, or someone I would go after in a club, but shes got the required holes and shes attractive to me in an odd way...Thanks in advance!

_________________
Havok
My intro thread & Story - so-i-post-vt85070.html
My Journal - here-vp508498.html

If that were me, I would wait for the next time she gets the horn, and just continue the convo when she messages you. If she says she wants to do it, then tell her how you will do her. Start pulling the girls strings and make a fantasy up for her. chicks like role play! then once you know she is gagging for it, go straight over and deal with it! Just my opinion!

Thanks man...Been going back and forth with her for a few days and I am past the LMR now she is literally BEGGING me to come over and fuck her...its INSANE! I am loving this. Push hard, freeze out, push hard, be indifferent, freeze her out:

This is what I got into the game for...

Now to learn how to get these results at the bar in one night, instead of over facebook over months!

_________________
Havok
My intro thread & Story - so-i-post-vt85070.html
My Journal - here-vp508498.html

Just an update with some thoughts on, well everything...Its 6AM and I am probably being a manic depressive pussy, but that makes for good reading, on your part, I've held it all in for a long time, now is the time to say screw it and put it all on the table. None of my friends are willing to help me in these areas in my life, maybe one of you random dudes on the internet who has gone through this process can. (haha)

So easy stuff first: I keep freezing up and being the socially awkward guy when I go out...Still have trouble opening regular conversation, caring on conversation, opening regular sets...Example: Like tonight, I walked up to a group, (most of whom I knew) and none of them acknowledged me, so I turned to my phone and acted like I was texting someone...threw me off the ball for the night...

Just tons of stuff like that I am dealing with right now. It was my birthday the other day and no one bothered to take me out for the night, so I ended up going out with the will to sarge and party on my own, but it puttered out with me driving home in shame after going to 2 clubs...I need friends, and I need to know what it is about me that is pushing old friends away/preventing me from building bonds I have. I have a considerably large social circle professionally, and from school, but I am always the co-worker, never the guy to go out with.

I have been digging deep into my past, remembering repressed memories, ect, and starting to realize my I am so defunct sexually (from formation as a child, ect, not now)...Basically asking the why rather than the how I can fix it...I've read how to do that...

Anyway: the main clubs close at 2 here, so the night of my birthday I drove a few towns over, went in and spent a few hours looking at my moms photo albums from me growing up. From birth to my graduation from uni...she documented well...But here is the thing...I realize I look kinda, girly. She dressed me in not so guy clothes, and kinda raised me like a teenage girl...Had boy band shirts, posters, teen magazines thing going ect...My body posture in some of the photos is very feminine, sitting like a girl would with a dress on, ect...IDK who that kid was...Kinda....ashamed to be that kid?

I see myself being a masculine bad ass today, always on the hunt for some poon, ect...but wonder if people still see me as that feminine little weak boy in the pictures.

So, another thing I have never told anyone publicly, the law and my mom knows, that my dad molested me as a child. Lets just say some of the memories I have regained from doing regression therapy for myself are not so, cool. No telling how this has effected me, anyone know of any studies, have experience in this area?

I guess what I am getting at is there have been a lot of traumatic happenings in my childhood, throw in the way my mom raised me, and the stack of cards its not in my favor...I never learned the whole attraction, thing, 23 year old virgin here, I obviously have issues with relationships (no doubt stemming from the abuse), Do I need to take extra steps to get past all this than the regular guy learning Pickup?

If we poke around, do other dudes with a similar background have similar issues? Any recommended reading for any of these issues?

I am trying really hard here, hitting the gym, eating healthy food I don't like to eat...Reading all sorts of material, embarrassing myself night after night...with no good results...That thing above? Well, its nothing to be proud of...I WANT to get better, I want to deal with this area of my life...not going for mPUA here, just a good attractive guy who can get it when he wants.

Thanks,

- Guy who just wants a healthy sexual relationship with a woman. Someone I can talk to, fuck, and enjoy being with. || That would make me happy.

_________________
Havok
My intro thread & Story - so-i-post-vt85070.html
My Journal - here-vp508498.html

I LOST MY VIRGINITY.

LR: I got her back to my apartment at about 5AM after running some horribly, not even worth mentioning game on her...Fairly certain this is what they call a Fools mate. Anyway, there was no sexual tension even entering the apartment so I make some drinks, and said "so this is awkward and I am just going to start talking dirty to you"...I took her into my bedroom and we sorta kind made out (which I had never done before) for 15 min or so. Awkard awkard awkard, I am fairly sure we were both doing that right! She preferred to be on top (normal?) and I just felt like she was sucking on me like a fish. I said I was usually the one on top and it was a little awkard, so I rolled over and realized she was already wet all over me and my shirt, and bed. "Wow your wet already!" I rolled her over and started agressively kissing her, grabbed her hair, smelled her neck (which really got a good reaction out of her), and nibbled, around...Anyway that went on and she took her top off, then my shirt, then her bra...and finally she grabbed my junk and I pulled my pants off...By this time I am hanging off my bed legs on the bed, back in the air reverse plank style as she starts sucking me off. In about 10 seconds I blew my load but she, like a champ, pretended it did not happen and sucked until I got hard again, a good 10 min or so.....Wow, I think I orgasmed about 5 times. finally just said I had unloaded and it was my turn....This was it, I was diving in, no going back...corress her legs, rub them, kiss around her vag...Anyway, got to some motion of me licking her and rubbing the skin around her clit where she got excited then I said I was going to finger her (polite to give warning?). Stuck my ringer in and was expecting a smooth tube...What the fuck goes on in that thing? Pretty sure the alien from Aliens the movie lives up in there....So I curl my finger up like the stacking orgasms thing and find her G spot, make her orgasm 3 times where she is asking me to stop (my bed is soaked at this point and I am smiling like a little kid), now I grabbed a condom and though I couldn't get hard yet from the sucking earlier (whats the protocal on this?), I plowed in and got some pussy. Luckily she was still excited from me fingering her so she actually orgasm'd while I was in her and everything...I fucked her for about 15 min, not totally hard, broke the slats on my bed, and finally all sweaty pretended like I came tore off the rubber and layed down by her all sweaty.

I got laid, and I feel like a completely new man today. Waited 23 years for that, spent the last 7-8 stressing over it. A burden has been lifted and fuck yeah I am ready to elevate my game to get the women I want and like.

Thanks PUA community.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bc8SMOTCrA[/youtube]

_________________
Havok
My intro thread & Story - so-i-post-vt85070.html
My Journal - here-vp508498.html

Dude! I just spent and hour of work secretly reading your entire post. Good work! And yes next girl you fuck will be one you actually want to! In my journey the girls get increasingly more attractive (minus one, drunken goblin pickup