I just posted this to
my blog and thought it might be of interest to all of you. Your comments are welcome:
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Swallows fly in the sky,
The water reflects their images.
The swallows leave no traces,
Nor does the water retain their images.
Ok, what the heck does that mean, and what’s it got to do with meeting women? Good question. To get to the answer, we need to examine non-attachment. This is a very important concept in Zen, and a very important concept if you want to improve your skills meeting women.
Many pickup artists know this intuitively and will tell you to adopt a “makes no difference to me” attitude when approaching women. If they’re interested in talking to you great, if not, that’s fine too. While this is helpful, it is not quite there. First of all, you do care, so pretending you don’t, either to the woman or to yourself, is creating an inconsistency that can mess up your “Game.” Second, this “I don’t care” medicine isn’t strong enough, we want the real deal. The real deal is non-attachment.
So what is non-attachment? It means letting go of attachments, it means living in the moment. It means not clinging to your ideas of how things should be, but being flexible enough to live in reality, see how things are in this moment, and act based on that reality. It does NOT mean apathy. It does not mean telling yourself you don’t care. You do care, and that’s fine. Be aware of that caring, be aware of that part of yourself that desires a specific outcome. But don’t let that part rule your perceptions and thoughts. Instead, acknowledge it at the same time that you allow yourself to be aware of how things truly are.
If this all sounds like some mystical mumbo jumbo, that’s because words can only point to the concept I’m trying to explain, but they can’t get you all the way there. You have to make the final leap yourself, and taste this for yourself. So let’s start with a thought experiment. Imagine you are walking along outside on a beautiful day. You’re feeling good. Suddenly, you see an angry man yelling at another man. He’s swearing up a storm. You stand off at a distance and just watch and listen. You care about what’s happening, but you don’t know these people, and you don’t have an emotional investment in this argument. Now let’s change things. The yelling person is your boss, or someone else in your life, standing a few feet away and yelling at you. This is a very different feeling. Now your body reacts. Blood pressure goes up. Your mind races to think of come backs, excuses, ways to calm this person down or get out of this situation. Perhaps you think, “what the heck is wrong with him, what an idiot.” Perhaps you get angry.
In both scenarios the same thing is happening, just one person yelling at another. But in the second situation you are far more likely to attach to your feelings. What if you could stay present in the moment, fully aware of the situation, without letting your reactions dominate your thoughts. Rather, you could observe the situation in the same way you would observe the two people at a distance, able to think and react clearly, without attaching to your own anger or defensiveness.
Let’s make this even more concrete and take a situation familiar to us all. You are approaching a woman you see sitting on a park bench, reading. She’s beautiful. You notice the book is one that you’ve read, and you already have a great opener planned in your mind. You rehearse it over and over as you approach. Suddenly she looks up, frowns at you and say, “get away from me, can’t you see I’m reading. Go bother someone else.” Wow. What are you feeling now? What are you thinking? Will this negative experience prevent you from approaching women in the future? Will it add to your approach anxiety? Only if you attach to those feelings and thoughts. You can be aware of what she said, and aware of the feelings that initially come up inside you, but still stay flexible and aware in the moment. If you stay non-attached, instead of busying your mind with negative reactions, it can come up with a response in that moment. Perhaps you say, “Yeah, I feel that way when I’m reading too, but I’ve never had the nerve to say it out loud. You must really love that book. I think I read it in about 2 days I enjoyed it so much.” There’s no guarantee you can pull out of this crash and burn, but aren’t your chances substantially improved than if you’d just walked away dejected? Even if she continues to be rude, at least when you decide it’s time to give up on her you can walk away knowing you tried your best, and learn whatever lesson there is to be learned from the experience.
This is just one example. Don’t attach to it. Apply the principle to your own life in whatever situations you find yourself in. Try it for yourself and see what happens. Non-attachment is freedom. It quiets the “monkey mind” and lets you live consistently with your true nature. It is an important step on the path of Zen, and will help you immeasurably as you approach and meet women.
Good luck.
CHAT
