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I have been seeing a psychologist. It's the same circle...not being able to connect with the "right people". I am also on medication. Why hide it?
...I went to Borders books today. The girl behind the coffee counter was rather attractive, and when I ordered a pretzel, she was smiling. We made small conversation. She was studying nursing, and wanted to help people since she was sick when she was a little girl. We parted ways.
I then had a sudden feeling of guilt. I remembered the moments I would go into clubs, and be surrounded by the very people I've talked about, and then I meet a genuinely nice person, and suddenly, I see myself as the bad guy.
I feel I've been looking for the wrong people in the wrong places. I encounter the same problem because I've judged everyone as being the same. I was convinced all girls were the same as the club girls, and all guys were douchebags. Yet, I was wrong.
I let my own past and anger frame my view on people. I felt wronged, so I felt that I should wrong others to make up for my childhood. That doesn't work.
Yet, I find that I can't find anyone like myself to relate to. This explains my superiority complex. I think for myself, and find that not many people around me share the same interests I do. For me to "dumb myself down"...is not something I want to do, but at the same time...
...Idk. I do realize now that not everyone is as pathetic as the club trash I run into...but there's not that many quality people either.
Where are they?
Well it's great that you are doing what you are doing right now.
I know the feeling that you have, I had it back when I was in my mid teens, as a kid my hobbies were in martial arts as yourself, and also in academic pursuits and art. As a result, becuase I had been rejected by people who did less and arguably were "less" than me. I thought they were just shit.
Here's the catch though, we're both judging them on OUR perceptions of what a good human is. Most epople are just average, they don't do much else outside of go to work, and drink on the weekend, maybe half heartedly pursue a hobby.
But these people are just that. Normal, average.
They don't pursue the things that someone like you may pursue or aspire to, but often they have no want or need to. They just do what makes them happy, as do you.
In clubs etc, we're only exposed to a certain demographic, in a certain situation while they express a certain side to themselves.
When we have a feeling of rejection towards other people, and a confirmation bias to make these fears and delusions spring to life in front of us. With a disposition to commit fundamental attribution error (assume a persons behaviour in one situation or multiple situations over a limited period time is an accurate assesment of them as a whole individual) then it is very tempting to believe, all men are ass-holes, that women are ditsy emotional beings with next to no intellegence and that humanity lacks any compassion or articulation.
I personally love humanity, but it's only becuase I managed to get over my baggage with certain groups and make my peace with my previous scars that I managed to let myself view the bigger picture.
Good luck!
