| Three Pitfalls of Pickup
by Z. Ephraim Glass
Men get into pickup for a couple of key reasons. Typically, a man wants to improve his social skills, particularly among women, so that he can find a girlfriend and/or so that he can have sex more frequently. Anecdotal evidence suggests, however, that many men, despite having become skilled pickup artists, are not as happy as they originally intended to be. There are three important pitfalls that I would like to discuss. First is the Social Robot, who makes a routine of pickup artist behaviours, but fails to enjoy the fruit of his labour. Second is Aimless Guy, who wants to be good with women, but couldn't tell you why. Third is Mr. Picky who, because he feels like he can get any woman that he wants, is never satisfied with the women whom he has actually attracted. Avoiding these three traps may help you to be happier with the accomplishments that you achieve through pickup.
Social Robot
“I don't have time for women. I have to go sarging.”
Because Style used the term “Social Robot” in The Game, most pickup artists have seen it before. I define a social robot as somebody who has good habits for attracting and closing women, but who never follows through. The three key traits of a social robot are that he has misplaced priorities, an obsession with routine, and lacks critical perspective.
The social robot would claim that his priorities are just fine. “I want to meet women,” he'll tell you and it would be nominally true. The social robot meets lots of women. Unsaid, however, is that the social robot would like to meet women with whom to form a more lasting connection. Whether that connection takes the form of a long term, monoamourous relationship or a friendship with benefits is irrelevant. The social robot behaves as though sarging is more important to him than developing connections with the women that he has already met.
This is the result of an obsession with routine. Before developing the pickup artist routine, the social robot was probably a chump. He credits his social prowess to faithful observance of the habits that he's learned. Approach within 3 seconds, sarge on a regular basis, don't get one-itis. There is nothing wrong with the principles, but taken to an extreme, they become an obstacle to building more meaningful relationships with other people. Normally, one would recognize this and shift one's attitudes and behaviours to promote a better balance between meeting new people and growing the relationships with the people that one already knows.
The social robot, however, lacks perspective. He would claim, if confronted, that he wants to do more with the people in his circle, but he fails to recognize that excessive sarging is getting in the way. Without somebody pointing it out to him, he may not even realize this unmet desire until he needs a friend and finds that all he has left are acquaintances.
Aimless Guy
“I want to get good with women.”
“Why?”
“I need a reason?"
Aimless Guy wants to be good with women, but he really has no idea what that means. He can K-close, he can F-close, he goes on dates all the time. He's also the man most likely to come home depressed when a woman rejects him. For one reason or another, aimless guy has no measurable goals for himself. As a result, he ends up seeking validation in the action of the moment.
Aimless guy might have started with goals. In fact, most of the time, he got into pickup for the same reasons that most men do: to get a girlfriend or to get laid. Somewhere along the way, however, he lost track of the bigger picture. Instead of viewing pickup as a set of tools for accomplishing a goal, he began viewing the development of social skills as a goal unto itself. Pickup provides its artists with a variety of powerful techniques. Power is addictive and aimless guy yields to the temptation to learn ever greater skills without ever pausing to consider what he wants to do with them.
Alternatively, aimless guy might have gotten into pickup without any clearer a goal than that he wanted to improve his skill with women. Ambiguous goals lead to ambiguous outcomes. Either way, aimless guy lacks a clearly-defined purpose.
Without a purpose to his behaviour, aimless guy allows his behaviour to become its own purpose. Success or failure in the field, without an eye for the bigger picture, becomes aimless guy's yardstick for the measurement of his self-worth. Needless to say, this is an unstable source of validation and happiness. A successful day in the field will produce a “high,” but it will fade and aimless guy will have to make another trip to the field to get validated. An unsuccessful day, however, can produce a “low” that might fade but which might also become the trigger for a negative feedback loop.
Mr. Picky
“She was always using the word infer when she obviously meant imply. And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing, but frankly, I can't imagine why.”
Mr. Picky is always looking for the bigger, better deal. Outwardly, he probably appears to be the most successful, happy of the three archetypes I've discussed. Ultimately, however, Mr. Picky can not be satisfied. In some ways, Mr. Picky combines the social robot's lack of perspective with aimless guy's obsession with power. He sees the game as a continuing effort to find the best possible woman for himself. Because he is obsessed with his own potential, however, he perceives his latest conquest, however beautiful, charming, or talented she might be, to be less than the best possible woman.
In some regards, this is almost understandable. Accepting less than one's best is “settling.” On the other hand, when dealing with complex variables, such as those that describe real people, it's probably safe to say that “the best” can not be defined. As such, continuous pursuit of perfection in a partner is an unrealistic and insatiable goal. Mr. Picky might enjoy some pleasurable encounters, but like the social robot, his relationships will lack depth.
To his credit, this might not trouble Mr. Picky. If he is self-actualized and recognizes that his struggle for improvement may be futile, he could still be happy with a series of short relationships with increasingly high-quality women. Mr. Picky might even consciously recognize that his pursuit of perfection stands in the way of deeper connections. The perspective that he may lack is that the object of his pursuit is actually unattainable.
The art of pickup should be used to improve men's lives. The final assessment of whether or not a pickup artist is successful should be whether he is happy with the outcomes that he is achieving. A skilled pickup artist who is nonetheless unhappy with his outcomes may well fall into one of the three archetypes that I have described. Be aware of the pitfalls that are present and it will be easier for you to avoid them.
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Some vices miss what is right because they are deficient, others because they are excessive, in feelings or in actions, while virtue finds and chooses the mean.
Aristotle, Ethica Nichomachea
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