| Hey man, I know how you feel, I have been there and done that. One of my most memorable shitdicklery moments was this one time when I snuck out my house over to my friends house in 11th grade.
We then snuck out of his house, stole his dads car and drove down to his girlfriends house which was a good 30 minutes away. His girlfriend had this hb9 over who's tits were as big as my head, im no elephant man but my head is pretty large.
So we then snuck into her house, went into her basement and were deciding on what to do when OH SHIT he dad was on his way down because he thought he heard guys talking. We panicked. We sa an exercise bike and some blankets against the wall, we hurry up and hid under them for like 10 minutes while her dad perused the basement looking for guys.
*Note* he was a crazy fuck redneck with a shotgun lol, I am half black
With that being said when he finally went up stairs, my friends girlfriend was like, "wow all that excitement of you guys hiding got me so horny" So she took him upstairs. Now here i am. Me and Bigtits Mcgee staring face to face. She says "I know they are going to go have sex. I dont like sex anyway, I think it's not fun"
I called her bluff. I went over to her and started to makeout with her. Starting slowly from her neck moving to her lips to her ear. Then I got her shirt off. Then her bra.
Now, three things are running through my head
1) WOW IM FINALLY GONNA HAVE SEX!!11
2) Oh fuck, what do I do next.
3).....I don't have any condoms.....
I was so inexperienced and unprepared, I didnt know what to do, I had no condoms, so like a malnurished puppy I just lapped effortlessly at her nipples, I mean, thats what I you're supposed to do right? I could tell she was growing weary of this, so I moved to kissing her ear.
She got weirded out by that and said "What the hell are you doing" I tried to mumble a response and said, hey I think we would be more comfortable on the couch. At the time of me saying this, we were on the hard cold floor, and she was on the bottom. I tried to pick her up and carry her to the couch like I had seen in some movies.
Bad Idea. I dropped her. "WHAT THE FUCK!?" she shreieked as she hit her head on the ground, "Fuck im sorry, i didnt mean..." i tried to appologize, but as the song goes, it's too late to apologize. She put her shirt back on, covered herself in the blanket and we just waited there until my friend came back downstairs to tell me let's go.
The most awkward shit in my life. Honestly, that's what happens when alex trebek has a picture of a giraffe in his ass during an earthquake.
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Now, with that being said I learned some valuable things from that failed encounted of the sexual kind
1) Always have atleast one condom on you
2) Dropping a naked girl on a hard cement floor as she bashes her head is both a turn off and a mood killer.
3) Bikes and blankets make good hiding spots.
Now, I would link you to some great sites that gave me awesome tips on sexual conduct, but I am a new member and they won't allow me to post URLs of any kind, so I will P.M you some great stuff.
Sex is great, infact one of the best feelings in the world, which is why so many guys get nervous when they are about to do it for the first time. But honestly the best thing I can say to you is first eliminate the things that can hinder you before hand.
I.e no condoms, not groomed and showered, not knowing what to do. <- These are all things that can kill you before you even get started.
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