Very informative posts, good job.

_________________
DJ The Great
2-vt18310.html?start=15

123flashchat.php

Wow.

Wew so much to post but, man, words don't give justice to the experiences and transformation I am undergoing with my inner and outer game. Feels like I'm shedding chains that had bound me for years, and opening my eyes to see the world for what it is.

So here are two quick tips on talking to women and people in general:

1) Have good eye contact. I know it's been said before, but I find that this is probably the MOST important part of body language. I find that I am held in much higher esteem by people I meet when my eye contact is good. I have had pretty women blush just because I've talked to them for three minutes. Just think about what that does for your confidence and morale---if you're reading this then stop right now, go outside, and find an attractive woman you can talk to for three minutes while looking her in the eye.

2) Realize that you have more in common with the people in your life than not. Yes, it's true---people are people, everywhere. Realizing that you have some of the same hopes, dreams, aspirations, fears, feelings, and desires as the person you are talking to alleviates the alienness of interacting with them. And when you realize this and truly accept it on some level in your mind, you will find that talking to the hot girl in line at the supermarket is a lot easier than you have ever thought possible.

_________________
afc-challenge-to-the-masters-social-anx ... 10108.html

overcoming-fear-is-easy-but-talking-whi ... 18107.html On the concept of confronting fear and talking while scared shitless.

_________________
afc-challenge-to-the-masters-social-anx ... 10108.html

I just went through the entire thread because it also relates to me in a way. I too have been experiencing social anxiety. And I have to say that just by reading your posts, Roads, I have felt a strong sense of confidence. I must say you write really well, and I cannot believe you lack (or lacked) stamina in conversations.

Thanks also to all the other insightful posts. There are some great tips to help me build my social confidence. I am really getting addicted to this board. Now I gotta go out and put the stuff into practice.

Welcome to the forum Sonicw. Yep, definitely put all of this stuff into practice. You'll be amazed at the results.

Here's something that's been posted on the forum several times, most recently by Envy. I used this a few times when I started out, it'll help get you started for your first field exercises.

<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/UlIrvu78NO0"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/UlIrvu78NO0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>

_________________
afc-challenge-to-the-masters-social-anx ... 10108.html

So I've been taking mixed martial arts (MMA) lessons to help build my inner game, thanks to advice seen in this thread and others. And it has allowed me to master my body to a degree thus far, providing a sense of self assurance that comes only from physical confrontation.

Now I'm a newb at this so I still get submitted easily by the instructors there. But I got pretty cocky from the success I was having in some practice sessions and I must admit it got to my head a little when I was able to counter techniques by using strength. So it is that I wasn't paying attention to my techniques, and consequently endangering my instructor's safety by performing moves on him that are illegal in competition. Of course I did not know this beforehand, and when someone is choking the blood from your brain the last thing you think about is how much it would hurt them if you picked them up and slammed their grip loose.

Well, today after the regular training session I stayed behind and grappled with him one on one. Apparently, during training he was holding back, and when we went at it this time he was a completely different athlete. All of the moves he was performing was done with a quickness and precision I had not seen before. In training I could hold out and avoid being submitted for minutes, relying on strength and basic counter techniques to keep me going, but here every fall would only take seconds. I got put into chokes, arm bars, shoulder locks, elbow locks, triangles within twenty seconds of a fall (i.e. match).

We kept going until mercifully, my leg got caught during a sweep and something popped in my ankle. I could have backed out of it at any time, but I was too stubborn and too prideful to do so...I was getting my ass kicked and I couldn't bring myself to admit defeat. Now my instructor is the nicest guy you could possibly meet and he genuinely cares about the welfare of his students, but he (and now I) knew a lesson had to be given and humility taught in this case.

Afterwards he made sure nothing was snapped or torn and had me ice the area thoroughly. He told me that the other day, when I was doing the body slams to avoid the triangle chokes that I was slamming his neck into the floor and that it hurt like hell the whole week. I told him I didn't know that was illegal and that I was just trying to escape the choke. Soon we were smiling and joking about it, and I feel that we really got to understand each other better in the process.

So it is that I'm at home with an ice pack on my ankle and a slight hobble. When I started writing this post I was looking within myself to see if this is a good or bad turn of events for my confidence and self esteem---and somewhere in the middle I almost hit the Back button---but having wrote it, I feel that it is indeed a positive experience for me (but not my ankle obviously).

_________________
afc-challenge-to-the-masters-social-anx ... 10108.html

I posted a response to an interesting thread in the Lounge on the concept of pick up.

It is here:

here-vp99052.html#99052

_________________
afc-challenge-to-the-masters-social-anx ... 10108.html

Large sets are still a problem. The more sets of eyes on me, the more pressure there is. It's almost as if there is a cumulative effect---each additional person in the set is one more person I keep track of. I've worked my inner game to the point that one person's reactions and opinions don't matter that much to me...but as I said, it's a cumulative effect and large groups do get to me still with respect to AA and anxiety in the set. This applies to cold approaches for the most part.

The interesting part of this is that, if you make me give a presentation where the spotlight is expected to be on me, I feel almost completely relaxed and at ease. That's right, I may be nervous before a big presentation, but during it I feel no fear or hesitation...almost as if I belong in the spotlight. Sounds ego-maniacal but it's how I feel. So normal social situations in a large group causes problems, but specialized events that puts the focus entirely on me do not.

I've been doing large set exercises to combat this. Will describe in more detail later.

_________________
afc-challenge-to-the-masters-social-anx ... 10108.html

Large set exercises.

Basically, there are two ways to do this.

1) Approach a set of strangers. If you feel like you need an excuse* at first, approach a set of three or four employees in a store (you know how they always gather round for the hourly chit chat) and just ask them a few questions about some merchandise you want to buy.

First of all, and this is important: Do NOT immediately eject after your question/questions are answered. Push it a little further...remark about something in the store or about their group. Even lay into a little bit of C&F if you want...whatever, just DO something that you would normally not have done before you read this.

You will find that they will often take the comment in stride, as long as you've spent a couple minutes chit chatting with them about the merchandise. Remember, when pushing it a little further you MUST deviate from the original topic of conversation (i.e. the Opener if you will) BUT you must also allow it to flow from the opener. So don't start talking about how your job really sucks UNLESS you can relate it to your opener OR connect it to them somehow (i.e. "Oh man I wish I had a job as cool as yours'!").

Don't worry about what they think while you do this, just concentrate on this routine: Open, ask, comment, push it a little further, eject and congratulate yourself on confronting your fears and becoming stronger.

Once you advance enough by doing this a few dozen times, try opening groups that are doing something active. For example, I opened a set that was playing hacky sack. I'm a grown ass man, and I'm playing hacky sack with a bunch of high schoolers...AND WE ALL LOVED IT!!!

Oh, and for the sake of incorporating this into PUA, you should always FTC yourself at the beginning. Remember it is a False time constraint, so take your time! The goal is to stay in sets longer and longer before ejecting.

*Eventually, you will become good enough to approach complete strangers, even ones with beautiful women in them. I've tested this---you will not develop a dependency on talking to hired guns, although there WILL be a transitional period where you shift your focus and openers to random strangers as opposed to hired guns.

2) Same as 1), except you open a 1 or 2 person set, proceed to "bring the party" to the set, then watch in amazement as people sort of gather round and eventually into your set. You can do this anywhere and it works. People are attracted to anything out of the ordinary or exciting...and YOU my friend are just that. A careful shift of eye contact to the newcomer and a smile, along with a comment or question ("Don't you think so?" or "How about your take on that?"), will immediately add the person to your set.

Some people are born with a magnetic personality. Others obtain it through practice. I have done everything I described above and associated nothing but positive feelings to those exercises, and it has helped me tremendously. Through practice, I have come to face my anxieties and fears and can now say that they lost their paralyzing effects on me in everyday situations. It doesn't mean they're not there, it doesn't mean I don't have those feelings sometimes, but I definitely feel their grasp on me diminishing day by day.

So read, learn, and practice. I know I will triumph in the end, and so will you.

_________________
afc-challenge-to-the-masters-social-anx ... 10108.html

Met a nice young woman in her late twenties, we were waiting in line for one of those blasted Wii consoles for my little brother. Curse you Nintendo! Usually, I don't see the Sun on Sundays (hah! the irony) because I sleep in, but there I was standing in line waiting to spend a bunch of money. So I'm a little grouchy.

Well we are standing there, and I just decide to start talking to her. Situational opener of course, we were both worried they would sell out of the consoles---in particular I was worried that I might start throttling the Toys"R"Us employees in their goofy unis if I didn't get one---and within 5 minutes I find out twenty things about her. Think I'm exagerating? Here:

1)She's a single mother.
2)She's buying the Wii for herself, not her daughter.
3)She's buying the Wii because her ex-hubby got to keep the Wii.
4)She likes to watch American Idol, Dancing With The Stars, and The X-Files.
5)She has a pretty good sense of humor. I joked I'd wrestle her for the last one.
6)She also likes to watch cartoons---Jimmy Neutron and Avatar.
7)She plays World of Warcraft.
8)She actually knows terminology from the game---I had to ask her to explain them because it sounded like gibberish.
9)She actually has a social life---this I find out after I tease her about the WoW gaming.
10)She can beat her daughter at most games.
11)She has pretty eyes.
12)She has a great smile.
13)She wears a very soft black sheep leather jacket. Mine is brown.
14)She looks away or down when we hold eye contact.
15)She likes me.
16)She tells me I should buy the Wii nunchucks for the second player as well.
17)She likes to play tennis and boxing on the Wii.
18)She looks like she's in great shape. Wonder if it's from the Wii gaming.
19)She tells me I'm up. I get my Wii.
20)She writes checks for large purchases apparently.

Now the list doesn't convey the emotions or vibe of the conversation. It might have lasted maybe 5-10 minutes. But for some reason, perhaps due to me becoming more comfortable with myself over these few months, people like to open up to me...often very quickly after I meet them. I did feel a little bit nervous when I realized she liked me, and that I was thinking about gaming her too.

Remember the last post? Large sets? Well as we were talking, people in line started chiming in, offering their opinions on some of the things we were talking about and joining the conversation. The middle aged woman in front of me with her daughter opened us after a couple of minutes, and the man behind the young woman joined in a few minutes after that. I go back to get an extra Wii controller, people smile and ask me if the controller comes with the nunchucks. So basically, I've opened everyone within hearing.

This is just an example of what everyday conversations are like now for me. So what can we take from this. Well people are pretty friendly in general, and want to talk and get to know each other. It's just that they need a good excuse, and perhaps a good person to lead the convo. You can find out a LOT of interesting things about people you just meet, if you'd only take the time to ask.

_________________
afc-challenge-to-the-masters-social-anx ... 10108.html

It's not easy. Not every day can be a good day...sometimes you're just "off".

I can still be influenced by the moods of others, which quite frankly bothers me. I can sense anger, jealousy, or ulterior motives in everyday social interactions with people, and instead of viewing them as empirical data to be analyzed and used to my advantage, I find that my emotional state can be swayed despite my best efforts during these interactions.

It's not that I want to turn into an unfeeling pick up robot. I just want to be able to empathize with others only when I choose to. Scientists, lawyers, doctors, generals, dictators have been doing it for millennia, and I've got to be able to do it too, and reliably. This is the concept of frame control---my frame has to be strong enough to hold its own in ALL areas of social dynamics. What good is it if I appear alpha and confident and suave on the surface yet feel anything but on the inside.

HAH! Just realized this is another one of life's many paradoxes. The more I get to know people, the more I genuinely care about them as they tell me their life stories, and consequently the more they influence me. But the whole concept of overcoming social inhibitions is to not let the opinions and emotional states of others affect you. Oiy.

_________________
afc-challenge-to-the-masters-social-anx ... 10108.html

It feels great to connect. Sometimes, in sets, you don't have to talk. You can just listen, and appreciate the things others have to say. Or there can just be comfortable silence. When you reach that point, when you can just be, and are totally at ease with your own presence in the set, you know you have reached a milestone.

_________________
afc-challenge-to-the-masters-social-anx ... 10108.html

Wow. Brilliant posts! That took a while to read

Dancing is a great way to socialize:

1) There is, depending on the type of dance, a LOT of incidental and deliberate body contact in general. Go to a dance social and many times you will be navel to navel on the dance floor with a girl you just met minutes ago. How's THAT for escalating kino?

2) People express themselves through dance. When you dance with a girl, you are communicating with her. I would recommend ballroom dancing as this teaches you how to properly lead your partner. In dancing, the goal is to give your follower only one choice, one option, one counter-move for every move you make. Remind you of PUA? It should.

On a side note, this is why a lot of PUAs avoid the dance floor in hip pop clubs. There is too much ambiguity in leader and follower roles there, and the focus is too sexual once body contact commences. You're either holding her hips and swaying side to side or you're grinding like a couple of rabbits in heat. A lot of guys you see grinding on the dance floor will not actually close the girls they're with. Hmmm maybe I should write a separate article on this.

3) You don't have time to get nervous! When you're on the dance floor, you're moving and stepping and pivoting and twisting and dipping and turning and trying to keep rhythm or count and there is simply no time to think about what others might be thinking of you. You're either so involved in trying to keep track of all the things to do to keep the dance going, or you're having so much fun that you just don't care.

There you have it. Get out there and dance!

_________________
afc-challenge-to-the-masters-social-anx ... 10108.html