| My 350 word statement of purpose is written to sell to the admissions council that I am a capable and efficient writer. I deserve the 90 grand fellowship and I’m willing to do what it takes to get it. First of all, I’ll suck a dick for it. If that doesn’t work I’ll fuck a pussy for it. If that doesn’t work, then hell, I’ll guess I’ll write something for it. My overall goal is to make a million dollars a year, which by the way, will never happen. But hey, it’s great to have a goal. At least I can start my sentences with but and no one will say shit. Because no one says shit about an admission application, expect yes or no. In fact my whole life people have been telling me what to do. I’ve never listened and look at me now, I’m broke and have little chance of success, don’t know what love is and probably never will, but at least I have a statement of purpose and a college degree. Isn’t that the American dream; a college degree? Wow! How incredible, I went through 5 years of hell and I got a piece of paper that proves it. But what do I really have? I have no money, no girlfriend, and all my friends live in Los Angeles, while I’m stuck living with my family in Texas. But it’s not all bad, at least I can start my sentences with but now, and I’ve got a pool house. It could be worse; I could live on the street or in my car. I could live out of a box or have AIDS. But I don’t thank GOD, because he knows I’ve had my fair share of sexual exploits. In fact just two hours ago I was dancing with three prostitutes at the bar, but have no fear; two of them had boyfriends, only the third shook her ass on my cock, the other two looked too great to even touch. Seriously they had amazing bodies and huge tits. That’s really my purpose – to get laid. I started making movies so I could get laid. Honestly, it’s the truth. I said to myself, well what do I want? I want to live in beautiful places, surrounded by beautiful people, and making a million dollars per year. Boy, how lofty! At least I have a goal, that’s better than half the population. Anyways, I’m at four hundred words now, and you will only read 350 so I need to condense contract and make sense of the world I live in. Maybe it has to do with my alcoholic father; hell I’m drunk right now! I bet he has influenced me more than anyone else in the world, yet he won’t even keep an appointment with me, because he is too hung over. Yes I put a comma in front of because even though I didn’t need it, so fuck you. That’s right I said Fuck You. Because I’m angry, angry at the world because I’ve been beaten down for having a dream that I don’t deserve. I’m angry because I’m a country boy that’s almost thirty, and I’ve been living in the big city for the past ten years, but I can’t seem to kick my country habits. When I’m angry I yell. When I’m sad I cry, and when I’m happy I smile, but for whatever reason I have no respect for anyone different than myself. It’s probably my dad talking, or my bi-polar mom, but at least I have a family. I know kids that grew up on the streets, well I don’t really know them, but I’m sure they exist. I do know an adopted kid that grew up in Beverly Hills and owns a hotel in LA. Wow, is he a mess, but he has a million dollars. Isn’t that nice? Who do you know admission’s council? Do you know famous people like George Lucas? Because I met him once, he came into my screen writing class and told us “I can’t write”. After he left, my screen writing teacher said, “I’m glad he said that, because he can’t.” There I go again putting a comma in front of because. Wow I must be a retard or something to be so negligent in my writing while applying to a master’s degree program in writing. Can I really be serious to be so honest in my letter? I’m already at 730 words. I must be on drugs, and there is no way we could let an UNSTABLE person with bi-polar disorder into our program, because we have nice, normal kids that make us feel comfortable and we can rely on them. They will succeed, not the bipolar kid with the alcoholic father because, hell he can’t even show respect. He doesn’t even know what RESPECT is! Can you believe that? A grown man still slaps the ass of his best friend’s girlfriend, because he doesn’t know what it means to show respect. There that comma goes again, right in front of because, I’m sure my English teacher would be furious. But I don’t care. And yes I started a sentence with but, because I don’t have a choice. You think this world if full of free will, but you are wrong. My statement of purpose is to prove how wrong you and everyone else in the entire world is. I’m the only one that is right. I’m right, because god damnit I can’t help but put a comma in front of because, I literally can’t stop myself. That is what makes me right, and when I refer to that I mean the comma in front of because. Did you know that life is a series of choices? That’s right! Choice equals success, how about that? Did the admission’s council realize that by choosing it’s applicants that it would be setting itself up for success? Did the admission’s council want to be a therapist? I doubt it. But how about a writer that starts his sentences with but, and puts commas in front of because. Would they let me in? Maybe they think because I have a 2.3GPA in high school and the worst country boy grammar in the history of the application process, that hey, we can deny him and then we will be sure that he fails. That way if he fails all other people like him will fail, because people that start their fucking sentences with but, and put a comma in front of because are always failures. Isn’t that right admissions council? But I don’t fucking blame you. It’s not your fault you live in a system that is designed to weed out failures. But it just fucking sucks to be a failure and know that no matter how hard you try, there isn’t anything you can do about the amount of talent or the parents you are born into. But then again, I could always rewrite this statement of purpose and remove the buts and the commas before the becauses. But what if I choose not to. That makes me a rebel, an outsider, and a loner. That’s what I’ve been my whole life, and it isn’t in your power to change me. No matter how many years of school I attend I’ll always be an outsider, rebellious of a system that has caused me so much pain. The pain of bullies, the pain of failure, the pain of self hatred and low self esteem. This is my life until I die, maybe I’ll find a woman to share my pain with, but until then I only have my drinks, and my commas. I only want to share with everyone how fucked up the world is, and why we should hate it. Did I mention that I subconsciously hate all women? Oh don’t worry no one has any idea, unless they read my writings or watch my films, or catch me in a drunk banter. Other than that I’m all smiles, maybe a little creepy but hey, I should shut up already, I mean, how much more vulnerable and honest can a guy get? It’s not like there is anyone that would even read this long statement of purpose, in fact, I’ll have to cut it into less than one eight of what it is right now because let’s face it, the world is competitive and the admissions council is busy. They don’t have time to get to know any of us. They only have time to use the system they setup to select and weed us out. Maybe this is my opportunity to show them that I can beat the competition for once. Well I did get into USC’s Film School when I had a 2.3 GPA out of highschool. That’s pretty incredible. I also travelled all over Europe for six months during study abroad, and I learned about my negative judgmental attitude. Can I help it? Nope. I’ll always have a negative judgmental attitude, and if you don’t like me then I’M SORRY, but I can’t change who I am. I wish I was proud of who I am, but I’m not. Because I can’t be proud of someone that judges other based on appearance, and puts women down just because of their sex. How can I be proud of who I am? Well you say, change, you have the power to change, and I say no I don’t because I’m thirty and I can’t change, because I’ve been fighting myself for the past 8 years. I know I will never understand how to view woman as equals and they will always hate me for it, the ones with self-respect anyways. But at least I can start my sentences with but and put commas in front of because. Because let’s face it, there are only a few reason in life to live and articulating your thoughts and ideas are one, the other is money, and I guess the third would be sex. Because we are only human, and that’s the line all people say to themselves when they make mistakes. I guess I’m only human, why should I hold myself to a higher standard, why should I write like a vomit covered party animal that has had too much to drink? Maybe I am drunk, or maybe I’m Horney, or maybe the stress of this application has gone to my head. Maybe my best friend Meredith hates me because I push her too hard. Maybe my lack of respect pushed my brother in law away from me. Maybe my best friends hate me because I’m successful with woman and they are not. Maybe I’ll be famous and sleep with Jennifer Lawrence, only time will tell. But know this: know that I start my sentences with but and I won’t change; know that I will use a semicolon if I feel like it; know that I want to break the rules because I don’t feel like being a successful writer. Why then should you, the admission’s council, let me into your highly selective program? Because deep down inside I don’t believe I’m good enough, and that is why you should let me in. Because I need it more than everyone else who makes you feel comfortable in your selections. I make you feel uncomfortable in choosing me because I’m unsure of myself, I don’t know who I am, and I’ll never figure it out. Because my father is a racist alcoholic, and my mother a convicted felon with drug abuses issues. I’m a product of that and I can’t help my lack of respect that I have for myself or my friends and fellow human beings. It doesn’t matter how much therapy you give me, or how many woman I sleep with, I’ll never change because change means that there is something better than what and who I am, but that doesn’t really exist. Now that I’m thirty I realize that there is nothing wrong with me, and sure you can feel good about passing me by because I say, “I don’t care about you” therefore you don’t care about me and say “pass”, but just know that I’ll hate you for the rest of my life if you pass me by, because I don’t know how to accept rejection. I’m just lucky I didn’t grow up in the mafia or I’d be the most vicious killer in the world. Actually I’ve thought about killing myself recently. I’ve thought, hey I can end it all and that’d be easier than writing. But don’t worry about that, it isn’t your fault that I’ve been unemployed the past 16 months trapped in my room going bankrupt in pursuit of my dreams. That doesn’t matter, because the only thing that matters is success. American values are a thing of the past, the only thing that matters in this recession, is success, talent, and the ability to win. Well I don’t have any of that. The only thing I have is determination to beat the fuck out of anyone that stands in my way, including myself. That’s right, I’ll emotionally tell myself to shut the fuck up if I have to, and yes I know there are easier ways to go about being successful, but remember my mother and father, they taught me one thing: I’m not good enough. So it’s quite difficult to break past that belief. Instead I’ll just beat the shit out of myself, and write this horribly inefficient statement of purpose in order to ensure I stay the way I am, because I’m afraid of change. I’m afraid of becoming a writer, because if I have the tools and I still can’t win, then guess what? My father and mother are right I’m not good enough. Fuck you very much for making it to the end of my rant. I hope you die in your sleep and then I’ll meet you there. Love, unemployed writer.
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Walk Hard
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CHAT
