I'm assuming you mean texts here:
"Watching some porn. I'm actually typing this with one hand

".
"Robbing a bank in Manhattan , come see me in jail if it goes south"
"Getting an erotic massage. These girls suck. Get it ?:))"
"Fighting a huge dragon. He keeps trying to get out of my pants."
"Well , I just got a text from a cute girl. Hope she's not weird or anything."
Smart girls will react well to these. (ok maybe not the first)
The dragon one got me this jewel:
"Oh,shit.I'll go strap on my epic Jolidon armor and cum help you.Oops,I mean come."
(Jolidon is the European equivalent of Victoria's Secret sexy lengerie"
Oh and uhm,if you ever wanna die in a very painful way do this:
Girl: "What's up ?"
You: "Your weight."