| Inspried by a question in the chat a few nights ago, I found a topic that was missing from the forum (yes, we have not covered ALL topics).
To some PUAs, typically extremists, "one-itis" should be avoided at all costs. Part of their game relies on them not getting attached to any particular girl, and juggling several women allows them to not get too attached. This strategy works for some, and I do believe there are some times when you just have to let someone go and find someone else (or multiple people).
Anyway, my point is this. Not everyone has the same motives and that is great! Some guys are looking for a LTR but do not have the confidence with women. Some aren't looking to go out and meet a bunch of girls, they are just looking for that one....or maybe they already have that special one in mind.
Mistakes are expected early on, but instead of moving on to other women (like many would say)...there needs to be some info on how to salvage a relationship. While particular details do matter (there are some mistakes that you can't rebound from), here is a general idea of what to do assuming there was initial attraction and then someone (not blaming anyone) messed up:
1. Identify the mistake (action, words, feelings, lack of feelings etc...). Consider both your actions and her actions. Put yourself in her shoes and examine the problem as if you were her. For example, did she insult you (not tease) and you insulted her back? If so, the blame is not completely on her. While she did instigate the problem, you may have fueled it. To be safe, take the high road and don't fire back with insults. In the long run, you can't be blamed at all.
2. Establish contact. Freeze outs are a common and effective tool when you are trying to get someone to chase you, or if you are punishing someone. But when someone is mad at you, a freezeout is counterproductive. Their goal is to freeze you out too...and they see it as a game...a game that they want to win. If they can freeze you out longer, then they win the battle. My point here is twofold: (1) a mutual freezeout just exacerbates the issue (2) at this stage, it isn't a game anymore--these are real feelings and you can't use routines. It isn't about creating attraction, it is about saving a relationship. Some form of communication should be made by the next morning.
Contact can be though any medium, though I suggest face-face or phone...it is more personal. This isn't always possible if one or both of you are livid and cannot bare to see each other. This contact should be sincere!
3. What to say? Here is the topic for debate. My views: drop all game immediately. You need to go for the sincere approach. Some will argue this is AFC. But look up the definition of AFC and it is far from that. AFC describes a guy that does not know how to act around women and says/does the wrong things at the wrong times. There is a misconception that PUAs are jerks, but there are plenty of nice guys out there too. Your message should convey that you know there is a problem, you would like to sort it out maturely, and that if you both need time to cool down first that is understandable.
It is better to let things settle down a few days rather than try and solve a heated problem immediately...though the sooner the better. Make sure she knows you understand her point of view. Don't just say "inunderstand your POV" say "If I were in your shoes I would feel that way too because..." If you don't understand her POV, ASK HER!! She will know you care then. Don't be afraid to share your POV, she needs to understand that just as much. Many arguements come from simple misunderstandings or assumptions. It is a shame they get out of hand bc people are afraid to clear them up.
4. An unselfish action. Typically, both parties are guilty in arguments in some way. Women have a preconception of all men...they lie and they are insincere. It is not true of all men, but it is difficult for women to sort the good guys out from the ones who are all talk. Sometimes you can say you are sorry and that it won't happen again, but if she is hurt badly enough, she has no reason to accept an apology and a verbal promise (not in today's world where promises are often broken). You need to show her that you are sorry. She is looking for an unselfish gesture...it can be something sincere, time-consuming, or embarrassing for yourself. By doing this, you are investing in her.
5. "I'm sorry." These can be scary words for some. But the key is this...you don't want to say "I'm sorry" before you have fully discussed the problem (side note: unless it is a small prob and you know the full extent of everything...then just say sorry and get it over with). If you say "I'm sorry" before the problem is talked out, then your apology has less meaning the second time you say it. When you say sorry, you don't want to say it like that anyway....you should say it in context of the argument..."I'm sorry that we had a misunderstanding. I didn't realize you would care if I hung out with my ex" or whatever the problem was.
6. Transition. Transitioning from an awkward fight to something more cheerful can be tough. But you don't want to leave right after the dispute is solved...you want to end on a better note--an attractive note. I would say it is ok to be random here. You can even poke fun of how awkward it is to change the subject--just make sure you pick something completely off the wall. "So now that that is settled, it reminds me of (insert something random here"...you will probably get a laugh out of it and then just go from there.
It is hard to speak in generalities because there are some exceptions. I think the hardest step is number 1. Many people get stuck in their own POV and never consider that others have different experiences, values, and beliefs which shape their POV. If you truly understand her, she will be more responsive.
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