I guess the summarized version is this: I think my belief systems I have built about women by reading pick up are controlling the way I see situations too much. In other words, I don't feel like my girlfriend is attracted to me unless I am seeing indicators of interest. When a guy starts talking to her I immediately see a "game" he is trying to run. When she is not affectionate then I see a red flag that makes me believe she is on the verge of breaking up or finding someone new. The only problem is that I don't think the way I am interpreting the situation is always correct. I don't think the guy is always running game but I am seeing what I am believing. Maybe he is unconsciously. Perhaps my girlfriend gives me indicators of interest that I haven't classified as indicators of interest because I haven't been told they are some by the books I've read. Maybe everytime she acts unaffectionate doesn't mean we are on the rocks or that she is looking to cheat. Does anyone know what I mean? I have read pick up enough that I assume I know what is happening in these situations but now I am challenging those views because I don't believe they are correct all the time.

Sorry I am not really sure how to explain this situation. I'm not trying to dodge the questions but I am confused about my situation. I guess the answer is that I am looking at the broad and bigger picture and I am not challenging the specific examples. For example, sex dry spell to me is not a good thing and even though it doesn't necessarily mean what I always hear from pick up like she's cheating or whatever, since I know it is because her new hormone therapy, I still have trouble believing it's not what I am afraid of. Does that make sense? My own intuition and logic is constantly seeing a situation such as her being distant and then me thinking back to a pick up artist forum saying this means she is pulling away, when I find out later she is actually coming from a totally different frame of mind.

Alright guys,

I've got the details. So my girlfriend has been acting off for sometime now.


Define "acting off" using observations, without any evaluations of what she's doing.

Finally I got her to open up and she explained that she has been really confused about what she wants lately and that since she and I are in different places in our lives she doesn't want to hold me back from getting married, having kids, etc. (I am several years older than her). She is just beginning her college life and I am on the verge of graduate school.

Did you "get her to open up" or did you push at her till she gave you an answer, any answer to get you to back off?

We dated long distance for 7 months before she returned here to be with me. We tried to figure out a way for me to move where she was but I was finishing school, didn't know what my career path was, and it just didn't make sense. She explained that whenever something goes wrong she blames me internally because she is here. She said she knows it's wrong and that it's not my fault. I explained that when she came here I only wanted the best for her and primarily the best for our relationship. Since she has been here she has had a lot of awesome things happen for her. More good things than she could have likely expected if she hadn't come. Anyways, she is moving back to where she was from in June.

So good that she's wanting to move back home, doesn't add up what she's telling you and her behavior.

That was sort of the deal as now I am ready to move and have graduate programs and job prospects and so on. She says that she believes when she leaves here, which is where her overbearing family is, she will feel more optimistic about life. All in all I think she has heard herself out and realized how blaming me for her problems has hurt our relationship and she wants to reassure me that she wants to keep working at this.

Has she actually told you this? Or is this your evaluation of what she's doing?

I told her that if she is not feeling positive then she has to start looking at me as more of something to be happy with rather than being critical and negative.

You can't make a person feel a certain way, and in particular when you tell somebody they ought to be a certain way that's not a request, its a demand and the two of you will pay for it down the road.

It helped me realize where she is at, and there's more to this. About a month ago her and I planned a trip to Thailand. During the process she found out I had a DUI and couldn't fly Air Canada. I hadn't thought about my DUI because it's been over 5 years old but she seems to feel like I withheld the information and lied to her. The truth is that I never really thought of it before I realized I couldn't go through Canada and it was when I was backed into a corner and had to tell her. I would have rather told her under other circumstances but My hand was forced. She says she doesn't want restrictions on her life because of my choice and moving in together could mean I can't rent an apartment because of a criminal background check.

Feels like an excuse, unless trust has been a long-standing issue in your relationship.

She says she knew it always felt too good to be true with me but she never expected me to lie to her about that. Again, I didn't say I didn't have a DUI. I just never brought it up. Then she said she wants to make it work and she needs to clear her head and wants to figure out how she feels and that she never feels as good doing things with other people as she does with me. However, she's been holding onto this resentment and spiteful attitude that has made her distant.

I am curious to know what the resentment is about, what unmet need(s) it's coming out of.[/color]

When she isn't here, she is happier. That's the thing. When we went on vacation and got away from here she and I had an amazing time. I explained to her that I've been trying to have a better time around her and lighten the mood but she doesn't feel receptive.
Trying to act a certain way isn't going to come out of a positive energy, and this is indicative that you're trying to fix the relationship, and the reality is she doesn't seem to be on board with that.

She agreed and said she has been taking out the stresses of her life on me. I agreed. Anyways, I've made headway with figuring out what is brewing underneath and now I have to gun for trying to make her see the light. She's clearly coming from a distorted and depressed state and I hope this trip in Thailand can show me some of the side of the woman I love. For now things seem shaky but we will see if things improve now that we have some things out in the open.

Nothing about the depression or resentment, you're not even close to the truth you're just settling for the vague responses you've gotten from her.

This is a normal story that hits the forum every few weeks or so. Every one of these stories end the same way. That being said:

Let's be clear, she's likely breaking up with you after she moves out. For now she is biding her time. You showing her the light now that she has one foot out of the door will push her away. Instead of showing her the light, start making plans, hit the gym, and let her see that you are preparing to move on. Don't chase her. Let her start seeing what she'll be missing once you're gone.

I'd suggest that you cancel the trip to Thailand.

Yeah these are all good points. I won't be cancelling the Thailand trip even if she is just biding her time. Neo has it right that she does feel very much like now there is pressure to make it work. She explained that originally she wanted me to move there but since I was against it then she expected me to not move there when she left. Now that I have decided I am, she isn't as sure that's what she wants anymore. All of her arguments are relatively weak and I understand some of them to a degree but some of the arguments wouldn't be an issue from a truly committed relationship. I certainly don't feel "secure" right now and so I too am planning for both options. She's being more affectionate today and happy. I think the talk did in fact dislodge some emotions she's been holding in. I didn't force her to talk per say, she came out with all of this on her own. I just asked her if there was anything else she wanted to tell me and she continued to ramble on how she felt. From my end it all adds up but I do feel that a lot of these things are petty. Neo has the closest assessment of what her personality is like and what she seems to need right now. What she needs right now is space and to figure out what she wants and not feel binded by plans. As much as that sucks because I think making future plans equates to the lifeblood of a long term relationship, there isn't anything I can do constructively to change that.