Learn to fill whatever void you have inside rather than look to someone else to do so for you.

LMAO...I'm not saying this to be disrespectful to you in any way Arch, but this is the one time that I'm going to say that the OP shouldn't listen to me because more of the story is being revealed. At a surface level, I'd be all for living in the moment but this is deeper because the OP is feeling disrespected. Right or wrong, it's how he feels and no one should be in the position of feeling disrespected.

OP, I'm not saying that you should confront the girl about feeling disrespected, but notice how she didn't have a problem telling you that you made her feel like a prostitute. If you are good at communicating things that you don't like without coming across as whining, then talk to her about it. If she's into you and values you, she's going to make sure she can do what she can in order to make you feel respected. More so, she's probably going to communicate with you more about why she operates the way she does because she's not going to want you to feel disrespected.

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I agree on this, and this is where the whole "not being afraid to lose her" mantra rings true. Relationships are predicated on compromise, coming together after conflict/disagreement, and openness to engage and see another's viewpoint especially when that viewpoint may contrast/rub against our own views, among other things.

If you build a relationship on the premise that its unsafe to speak about needs then that relationships is already on an unhealthy trajectory. When you're speaking your truth, its not about being needy or placating - rather you're being your authentic self and that self isn't contingent on how someone new sees you. If you find yourself changing that, or burying needs because of a fear of how that person may see you, then you are living for another person at the expense of losing yourself in the relationship. This results in a co-dependent relationship.

She communicates freely, whereas you're creating obstructions to withhold needs. What you're doing is akin to holding a beach ball under water. At some point your arm will tire out and the ball will violently catapult up. Being silent on your needs is no different. If a person isn't going to be responsive to your needs early on then they've qualified themselves out of being worthy of being in your life.

What's clear is your chick has intimacy issues. She's fucking you but will not let you come over. She's fucking you but leaves right after. Now, whatever her reason, you shouldnt be afraid to call it out. You could surmise she's been sexually abused, if thats the case...why the hell would you not want to address a chick's emotional scars that lead to a host of other issues? Lol, its like saying seems like she may have been molested as a child...ahh...i'll just say nothing. Whatever the case, you shouldnt be afraid to communicate "hey what the fuck is up with you? This is weird." NEEDY is saying this chick could have serious emotional issues...how do I keep her? You see a pattern of behavior that you dont like. Same way when she saw you didnt walk her down she said something, dont be afraid to.

Live in the moment doesnt mean shut up. It means next time she leaves, "in the moment" you respond/communicate. You're looking for a chick who is worthy right? Wouldnt you want to know now if this chick was molested? If she had a husband at home? If she has baggage over an ex bf? To Jack's point, wouldnt you want to know why she operates a certain way so it doesnt become an issue down the road?

You're test driving cars, looking for one to buy. If you got a hint that one of the cars had an engine problem, would you be silent, or ask the seller straight up.... what is this rattling sound? And would you feel needy if you did?

She does kinda have a fucked up childhood: Parents split up, dad went off to the military, Mom would spend her day with random guys and leave the kids at home for hours, No food in the house, forced to steal for her mom, living with her moms boyfriend-of-the-month. So there's definitely some trauma there. She hasn't told me about any physical/sexual abuse but I suspect it.

Haha now that I spell it all out, I bet her approach to relationships is all fucked up.

I'm just surprised that I girl in her 30s who's intelligent, has been in multiple relationships in the past would still not run into these issues with other guys...

Anyways I went out with a hot dentist in her mid-20s last night and we seemed to hit it off, so all this might be a moot point.

Lol, there is always someone younger and hotter.

This thread is a great example of the positive effects of abundance. Girl acting weird on you? Hang out with someone potentially better.

This is what socially valuable women have, and why they do most dumping without a hint of remorse. It's a beautiful thing. 99 percent of men will never have it.

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This doesn't qualify as abundance, and I'll explain why.

Abundance isn't how many people you have in your life, the potential stream of orbiters you have access to, the knowing if some girl acts in a way incongruent to your needs so you call the next one.

All of this is simply scarcity masquerading as abundance.

All this does is reinforce the mindset that one person bears the burden of meeting all of your needs, and if they don't rather than discussing it with them, you simply swing onto the other branch (the internet makes it easier and easier these days to do this).

Sure, some women do this. And the ones that do are no better (yes, some women too have this scarcity mindset).

Many guys are in relationships and secretly go on Tinder, POF and other dating networks mostly because they are completely insecure in themselves and haven't the convincing, honesty, and integrity in themselves to communicate with their partner. So instead they get into these clandestine behaviours messaging other girls, feeding the 'hungry ghost' within as a way to build a false sense of security that if their current relationship doesn't work they can swing right into another.

So what do you say to the OP when he falls for the next girl that comes along?

Has he done any of the work on himself to fill the holes and know how to build a health relationship?

Does he know what the building blocks of building a healthy relationship look like? Or will he simply replace one potentially toxic relationship for another?

Op, why are you so afraid to tell this person how you're feeling? What about speaking your needs do you equate to 'being needy'?

Your posts speak far more to the way you feel towards yourself than the women you're meeting.

Ya but you're still scared to speak your needs. This isn't about her, her fucked up childhood whatever, its about you actually. You're just providing rationalizations and justifications for your stance to not speaking up.

Alright, again I appreciate the advice. So my take home is that I should be secure in myself enough to stand up for this things I value/want in a relationship, not to invest too heavily in one person unless they show equal value in me, communicate my needs in a non-confrontational/non-whiny manner, but also not be afraid to walk away if my needs aren't taken seriously.

I think that's it...?

No, that is exactly what abundance is, and it's hard work for a man to pull of. But if he improves and invests in himself enough, he'll get there.
Yes, socially valuable people with abundance have this option.



Sometimes people are just horny and want to fuck someone new. Nothing wrong with that. It's science.

My gf gave me a green light recently to do just that (haven't done it yet, but I might).


I don't see how his current relationship is toxic. It's just a woman who's probably seeing other guys and hasn't decided who she really wants yet.

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You're equating "abundance" with having options. I am defining abundance as more of an internal quality. Your definition is akin to being the 'life of the party' yet feeling disconnected and lonely. Abundant, as I've defined it, really comes down with you being cool with you and isn't contingent on what the next person (or girl)
thinks of you. A person can have an abundance of something; women, money, etc and still feel empty, isolated,
and in despair - to me that has nothing to do with abundance, but rather someone trying to find meaning externally (scarcity). Access to resources isn't abundance in itself, in terms of the subjective sense of wellbeing.

Its more his relationship with himself as being "toxic", or put another way misaligned with his relationship goals.

The point of my comment was that its easier to NOT do the work (on yourself) and simply burry yourself in the next thing that comes along. I am not suggesting he make/force a relationship with this girl, but I can tell you this is likely a pattern of his and distracting himself with someone new won't resolve it.

Speaking up on your needs isn't being needy.

Quite the contrary it demonstrates strength and courage.

Date, qualify qualify qualify early on...IF a woman reacts to you saying you're needy simply because you'd expressed a need then she's not worth your time.

You want a woman who will also qualify you - a woman with standards assuming youre looking for someone to build something with which I assume you are.

So just to follow up. I spoke with her tonight and brought up my thoughts. Started out saying that i've been having a great time but I'm not sure this is the kind of relationship I want. She said "yeah, me too. I just get the feeling that you're just in this for sex" which took me by surprise because I wasn't sure if she was just in it for sex.

So I explained myself a bit, Said sex, while great, was not the only reason I'm dating her. She explained herself too: i'm the only guy she's dating and that she is into me and not just for a fuck. So we made the deal that we'll hang out this week and watch a movie without the pressure of sex. She said she will try to keep her hands to herself, but only just this once will we forgo sex. She also said she appreciated the openness and likes that quality.