Hi guys... and gals.

Here is the situation in brief.

We met with this girl last summer and spent most of the summer together.
She is from France and I live in east European country.

Eventually end of the summer she had to go back to her country so we said each other goodbye with the condition that we are in so called "open relationship" - she can do whatever she wants so do I. Most logical choice right?

However since then we maintained frequent communication via SPAM. Discussing topics, laughing and sharing stuff. It was cool for me in the beggining.
I have other friends in France so I was preparing myself to go visit them for this summer and also told her that I'll visit her as well. She said its OK, because we maintain very good relationship and contact.

We never argued, both of us are intelligent people and we don't solve our problems with drama and emotions. We are both 28 yrs old btw.

So far so good, but here is where the "sh*t hits the fan" so to speak.

Recently she went to a visit of friend of hers to Norway and so we haven't heard each other for a month or so.

We just spoke on SPAM and I asked her to show me some pictures and she said: "are you sure" I replied: "duhh yea, that is what I asked". And then she slipped: "I'm not on the market anymore", and then tried to changed topic like she didn't wanted to say that.

Of course I figured it out that she is dating someone else.

So we chit-chatted a little more and eventually I asked her to reconfirm me if it is still OK for me to come at her place in France for my visit.
She said: "sure - you are welcome".

Then we talked and laughed again for several minutes but eventually I had to face (and she as well) the truth.

I told her straight forward (no offense nor hard feelings) that I don't think its good idea to come to her place, because I understood she had someone else.
I told her to tell me if she wants me to come because she wants me to come or is doing it because of feeling of reciprocity, since when she was here she was at my place and now probably feel obligated to return the favor back.

I told her if I go there I want to experience positive feelings and not stay on the side looking like a third wheel, and if that is the case I better not go.

She remained silent.

Then I further told her that I don't as well think its good idea to talk with me on SPAM if the situation is as it is now.
Although she was the one to call me. Obviously she likes talking with me, and me making her laugh because we had times talking until 2am in the morning.

But I don't like that virtual communication that much if that is the case.

I realize that the distance is the problem and time ago I offered her to come in my town and to live with me, but she refused since she lives with her parents and don't have a job and serious income and is economically better for her to remain there. She is looking for a job in her own town.

I also realize that I can't control her and tell her what to do and that she is free and can do whatever she will, and actually I said that to her.

Actually this is different from what I was doing before - before I always tried to hold for the relationship as much as I could and it never worked. Eventually I've always been the one who got "befriended" or "dumbed". So now I do completely different approach.

As for me in the meanwhile: for the time we were away I also dated other women, but nothing serious - just to get my physical needs met.

We share similar values, beliefs and interest and probably that's why I tend to liked her. And she is not even the most beautiful girl that I've seen, but I liked her anyway.

Anyway eventually I terminated everything just 20 minutes ago. Now I feel remorse, because I also was used talking to her. I also feel like I want to talk to her immediately but I'll not do it.
However part of me is thinking that I shoot myself in the foot by doing so. I'm usually not that radical, however this time I think I was. It was something completely out of my nature and way of behaving. I guess I'm learning something.

I think I forgot to tell her what she thinks of that situation because I was telling all those things while she remained silent.

So I think I rambled too long in that thread. I'm NOT posting this to wine and complain, just wanted to see what your thoughts are on that...

Was there a better way to handle the situation - how do you think?

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

Ummm...you didnt break up with her.....And you lowkey begged to still go.

You 2 werent in an open relationship...you were friends long distance. If you like talking to her go ahead. But you werent in any kind of relationship, if so, it sounds really platonic and by her words to you I doubt she saw it as a relationship. This sounds like high school kids who dont know what a relationship is tbh. I just didnt read anything that implies a romantic relationship. Your friend got a bf now, up to you what you wanna do.

You guys agreed on an open relationship while at a distance and then she ended up off the market. What do you need from her that you can't get from another woman who you can see in person? If you say she has good conversations with you, I'll lose so much hope for you.

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Well yea I didnt broke with her at the time of posting this thread. More correct we broke the day she left my country due to obvious circumstances.

By relationship I mean we still maintain contact, but obviously we had something going on while she was still here.

Not that it is that platonic - we had sex of course and we dont say squashy things like "I love you" or stuff like that. I try to maintain it lowkey, lighthearted, cool and humorous to some extend, but her I'm human as well and eventually got affectionate.

To your question what I want to do: Well part of me still wants to talk to her and wants to go there, but my morals and my intuition tell me its not good idea. Idk how serious her relationship with this dude is, but I don't think its a good idea to interfere. And I don't think staying at her place while she is in some sort of relationship with him is good neither - neither for me, nor her, nor him.

That's is how asses the situation rationally, but of course from my point of view - I want to be with her and have it romantic when I'm there - not just talking with her.

Idk - I'm right on that or what ?

_________________
"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

I'll be straightforward to your question what do I want/need from her that I can't get from other woman in person and I wont say that she was only good conversations, so you will not loose hope in me.

I want her because she was good friend, she was honest, she had morals, she has similar values and beliefs to mine, she gets my humor and don't offended easily if I go over the board with it (compared to the other high maintenance girl that do), she had similar interests to mine, so we can talk for hours. (something that I find very occasionally in other people), sex with her was good and passionate, she DOESN'T have the best body or physical attractiveness, but I still like her besides that, she was teaching me french, the list goes on and on.
Of course I realize she is human as well and has her flaws too, as we all have, so I don't idealize her.

Not that it is impossible but I don't think I could find all those qualities at one place in someone else in person, but probably I can find another qualities and still be OK.

However I still feel terrible now, feel like I lost something (punch in the gut feeling), we all know that feeling when we loose or break with someone we trust and like for a long term... and right now approaching any other girl I perceive would be a disaster, since at the moment I dont emit that good vibe. Hopefully this should change ASAP.

But what was a better option to do instead of cutting the tie... ? How do you think?

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

There was no better option

In fact you did not pick the option, she did. I don't see any further discussion.

A open relationship while she's moving to a new country means you guys had "broken up" right then and there. Whats an open relationship with someone you're not actually going to see and spend time with off the internet? Of course she's going to find someone.

Once you make a decision, stick with it and learn from it. But from my perspective. You didn't have to do anything, it was already done. Move on, and give your time to someone that can give to you as well.

_________________
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Yes that is what everyone around is saying and is what makes sense.

There is something else that I didn't mention though... I wanted to go there since had aspirations to start business in France and she could help me with that. I wanted to test them online and now that is no more.

As well as everything we had and shared.

I bet she feels bad about that as well. Now we both suffer and no one wins...

I'll write her in a week, to see how she is, and to make clear where she is at and where I am at, but will still stick to what I said to not talk on SPAM. And I'll even encourage her to meet other people.

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

LMAO...you'll encourage her to meet other people? She already did that. She doesn't need your encouragement, obviously.

You're grasping at reasons to hold on. Cut all ties to her.

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mpuaforum.proboards.com

I laughed like crazy too when I saw he said that. The delusion and denial you have OP, Im sure with that same delusion you saw a casual relationship as an open one. And they're 2 different things. This was a FRIEND. Who is in a long distance relationship, open or closed and has to ask their gf to stay over after not seeing them for a year? Call me crazy, but if this was a real relationship youd have planned to see her, not to stay over. I dont know why youd think this was a SERIOUS relationship.

I wasn't thinking it was serious.
I call it relationship, but probably this is not the best word to describe. We are 2 ppl that had something going on and still maintain contact. But just the word relationship is shorter.
I was planning to see her for a long time ago.
And btw what is the difference between seeing her and staying over, since if I stay over by definition I'll see her.

And by encouraging her I mean - I'll let her know clearly that I don't think anything against she seeing someone. I don't want to give the impression that I'll make a problem with that.

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

Listen to the advice being given to you bro. If she cared at all about how you felt about her seeing someone else she either wouldn't of gotten serious with a guy before talking to you first, or she just wouldn't of told you at all.

Cut all ties and just move on. You're talking to people far more experienced than you on the subject. You don't have to say another word to her. She doesn't care about how you feel about her new relationship. Trust me.

_________________
Need Coaching? For 1 on 1 Coaching via SPAM, Phone or Instant Messenger - Email: EddieFews@Gmail.com

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Sound rational from your point of view, however with a some minor detail. She didn't exclusively told me that, she slipped it away, also no one knows how "serious" her new relationship is and honestly I don't care.

And also she doesn't need my permission to date other people. I'm not her husband nor boyfriend. It turned out I'm just a dude she met last summer, we had cool time together and we still try to have fun talking to each other since we are both cool people (what ever the perception of cool is). That doesn't make me someone she has to give report to. She might or she might not - simple as that.

I also had gf experiences before. With my respect I appreciate your and other member's advice.

For the time being I'm not going to mess with her. Further down in time who knows - if circumstances change it will be completely different.

Point being here is - I'm not looking for advice on how to get her back or what should I do. I don't think that is worthy goal since it is immature to set goals in other people's boundaries. The idea is to make the most beneficial WIN/WIN/WIN decision, like a mature centered cool person.
No selfishness no egoism.

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

Op... I think everyone is misunderstanding. Did you know this was not a relationship? Confused because you said you 2 agreed to an open relationship.. Maybe you meant something else. In your mind is this someone who told you she was your gf finding someone new, or just a girl you thought liked you?

What do you consider a WIN/WIN/WIN decision? Realistically, she's made the decision that made it a win for her. The only person without a win is you. That's all ego.

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