Either I'm falling back into my old habits, or this is something new. I've got to say, I've never had anything like this happen before.
I met a girl Thursday online; she found me, it was one of those, match.com picks out girls to match you with and you say yes or no, (I will click 'yes' on just about every girl because they're almost all hot), most will not click yes to me, unless they're fat or ugly usually; not sure what other guys' mileage is, and soon-after she emailed me. Girls typically don't write guys on these sites.
We set a date for Saturday. As you know, we got that huge blizzard in the east coast that would be at its worst Saturday. We were texting a lot and seemed to be relating really well.
The only thing that jumped out was leading up to Saturday, she was always slow to get back to me. I'm talking I'd text her something at noon-ish, and hear back from her the next morning, or later that night.
She did this twice and I was wondering if she was playing scarcity games. The first time she said she slept late and then took a nap, and the second time she said she was at a friend's house and didn't have her charger and had to wait for her friend to take her home through the snow in her 4-wheel drive.
Apparently Henry Ford once said "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't-- you're right", and the same goes for your beliefs about other people's behavior. Now unless you're a mind-reader of sorts (in which case you should be out charging people for your services), the possibility remains quite high you aren't as good a mind reader as you may think.
You've already framed her behavior as game-playing (e.g., "playing scarcity games") before even a first date. You had unwittingly set the tone for the entire night and all events leading up to it as a game, of sorts. So what's the objective of a game? To win; and of course there's always a loser...
Game. Set. Match. and the winner isn't you.
Your ego was invested in this 'game', and when she didn't reciprocate a response after your date you'd acted like many a sore loser would and attacked as though she had rejected you, as a human being. 'HOW DARE SHE!'
I know for a fact that her phone was not dead because when I called it that night, it rang. Phones that are dead go straight to voicemail.
Saturday she had been texting me about how she wants to put on this classy-sexy dress to go out with me later, then when it became clear that no place worthwhile would be open, maybe *any* place in town, she suggests we have the date at one of our places, and she had the DVD collection of a show in mind that she wanted to bring.
As one of the other members stated, the frame seems clear that a hook-up was the main course for the evening.
I asked, "You want to have our first date at your place?" She said, "Well, if you're comfortable with it, but I try to keep Agnes (her live in land-lady) from being nosy."
I said, "Well there's no Agnes over here." She said, "Well I try not to mind all of my manners, especially inviting myself to someone's place on a first date."
She later said, "Do you want to just put this off for a better night? Since things, are kind of...different."
I said, "Hell no! We're on! There's no such thing as a 'better night'." "That's the spirit!" She texted.
So I drive through this hellish snow, across town to pick her up (she doesn't have a car). I have an All-Wheel-Drive with a "Snow Mode" so it handled most of the way, the snow had really stopped coming down by then, and the main roads had been plowed. I get to where her house is and her stretch of street isn't even plowed at all...and it's uphill. My car couldn't make it, so she came down the street to meet me.
Ok? I get the impression that you'd felt that she was obligated to you in some way for going out-of-your-way to pick her up. Keeping score, as any competitive game-player does.
She's really bouncy and perky and laughing at everything I say on the ride to my place. She talked mostly about herself all night, and I don't think she asked me a single thing about myself except towards the beginning, "Have I ever seen anyone on this site before / do I see a lot of people"
Standard faire for a 1st conversation, tension reducer + rapport building. Were you expecting anything different?
She conceded that she's seeing one guy she met but doesn't think it's going anywhere. At my place, she says she's never been so comfortable so fast on a first date (I think she meant physically, my place, living room, couch etc.) She is really dressed sexy, to the nines; she put on some really sexy stuff for me.
I had gotten the wine for us; later she said she was "kind of hungry"; I told her I could put a couple of those little pizzas in the oven, she said, "That sounds awesome".
She was cuddling with me on the couch and letting me put my hands all over her, but would not kiss me. She said "Kissing is just really intimate with me and I don't do that right away."
Fair enough. Some women see kissing as a pretty intimidate thing to do yet won't have any issue slobbing on your knob moments later yet still won't kiss you.
(A friend has stated: "That sounds like a hooker! She didn't say anything about money up front or anything?" No, hell no! She works in some scientific field doing medical journal editing-stuff, like PhD level work., I said)
A hooker would have gotten right to business, unless of course you'd just wanted to talk, and hired her for the company. Your imagination was your worst enemy and your friend just validated it.
I've heard of hookers and porn stars refusing to kiss, giving reasons like, "Whoa! We are *NOT* on a date! This isn't that kind of get-together."
The most I did get a little later from her was a peck on the lips; she said, "This is how we can start it." She had said earlier that the more I push the more she won't want to kiss/makeout, and that maybe she was just crabby and hungry. "Let's just wait a little", she said.
So let me get this straight, you were so focused on *NOT* getting a kiss that you completely missed that frame that the entire night was likely intended to be a hook-up... It's like you'd went to a steak house, were presented a nice juicy thick steak before you, yet you were hung-up about the lack of side dishes.
After about 4-5 hours at my place, it's time for her to go home. We get in my car down in the garage; I've suddenly got a flat tire. After realizing I'm not going to get the bolts off of my wheel to put the spare on with the tire iron I had (they had been put on with a machine-wrench or something), I tell her one option could be for her to call a ride or something, because this could take a long time. She downloads an app on her phone to get picked up at my place, and the guy tells her, "Yeah, we can take you, but we're at the address right now, so you'd have to come out like right now."
Curious as to why you hadn't offered to share your bed with her and drive her in the morning. Or at least A bed.
So she tells me she has to go right away, and I take her up in the elevator to the street. I ask her if she wants to get together again; she said she does.
I tell her on the elevator ride up that a lot of girls will say yes to a second date just to get out of the situation, but then they go home and they think and think and think, and they think their way right out of wanting to see the guy again. She asked me if that's just what I assume they're doing or is that what the girls tell me? I told her it's just pretty clear with some girls. We had talked a little about disappearing acts earlier in the night.
May be true, but why even ask. Needy, validation-seeking behavior = turnoff
I walk her up to the car waiting.
I've got grease on my hands from trying to change the tire; and don't want to put them on her; but still move in to give her a hand-less hug anyway, she backs off like, "Noo! Wait!" But eventually does hug me and I'm able to kiss her on the lips again, but not a long one.
Even I'm feeling awkward.
Per the advice of a friend, I shoot her a txt 30 minutes after she's gone. "Hey, did you get home alright?"
Nothing.
Nothing wrong with the text, its 'gentlemanly' BUT you had an expectation, again. If its done for the wrong reasons (to seek validation) that will come off in a very bad way.
This has been explained ha "You see, it kind of short-circuits her thinking; she sees this text from you this late and figures 'Oh, this is just a booty call.', but then when she sees you were just looking out for her, she sees you as this protector, and that turns her on. Don't be surprised if she wants to text you a lot more after getting something like that, in fact maybe even wanting to come over right away."
LOL boy was your friend ever wrong - at least in this circumstance.
About noon the next day, I texted her that I had a great time with her, and I'd love to see her again.
Nothing.
I give it two hours, and text that I haven't met a girl quite like her in a long time, (something like that) and that I'd just be interested in getting to know her better, that's all, with a
Needier. Now you're feeling SHAME about contacting her and receiving nothing back. At that point you want to justify your behavior and get some response, ANY response so you act through your ego and take shots at her to achieve just that.
Nothing.
Later, I'm on match.com and see that not only has she been active on the site recently, but she's changed her profile picture, and updated some stuff in her profile. (the site tells you at the top of every girl's profile if she's been active on it in the past hour, day, etc.)
That sets me off. That tells me that she's decided "I'm not the guy.", and that she has continued to search.
I send her a text:
"I see you've been active on the site lately, and even updated your photos and stuff. But I don't get a reply? So it seems not only am I not worthy of a second date, but apparently I don't even get the dignity of a response..."
I get nothing.
Later, I text, "I busted my ass to make last night as great a night for you as possible. I got the wine for us. I drove you through that hellish snow, I even fed you, and your first instinct is to leave me in the fucking garage and rush off?!! You know what? FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING CUNT BITCH!!! You immature, disingenuous, fucking cunt!!!!"
After no response, later, I text, "You used me you fucking bitch."
Classless. To her you showed your true colours and any chance of a 2nd date, while slim, is now definitely off the table. Remember, most women are used to guys reacting this way. Reacting = you're unstable, and sub communicates that she can't feel safe around you. In other words, you get chucked into the douchebag can in her mind. You're done, for her at least.
Then I get a call from her right away. I don't answer. I text her instead, "Oh, now of course I hear right back."
I listen to her voicemail:
"Rob, you have some serious issues. It's Elizabeth by the way, but anyway, I . . . had to . .walk home, uphill most of last night, so your phone call like noon or whatever woke me up and I had things to do so I was gonna get those things done and get back to you, and since it sort of, last night started with you seeming to be like sweet, funny, easy to, you know, hang out with, and be around and have a good time despite whatever circumstances get thrown your way, my way, I don't know, whatever.
Speaking of maturity, apparently I was wrong about ALL of that and, so this is me getting back to you, to let you know, NO, there is NO CHANCE for a second date, you are terrifying, and aggressive. You're borderline creepy and stalkerish. You're incredibly insulting, how dare you call anybody a cunt, that is sooo...unbelievable.
And 'fuck you' in all caps? You really, really, have some deep-seated anger issues especially towards women that you really need to deal with because it's so, so far from the person that I thought you were, I cannot believe, wow, ummm, you are not who I thought you were at all, so forget it, and by the way, you were the one who suggested I get a cab.
Umm, you don't get the benefit of a doubt, forget it. It's not happening. I was gonna say we should try for a more conventional date, but I think that's a horrible idea, and you, I'm not asking for an apology, and I'm not giving you one either, because, it's only been a couple hours since I've been up.
You have been texting, and trying to contact me relentlessly, and I'm trying to get home / sleep / you know, have my life which you're apparently not okay with, so you go figure your shit out, but please don't contact me again. Do not call me names. Do not do anything. Thanks."
She mysteriously left out her online activity instead of replying to me, and also coincidentally left out everything I had done for her that night.
So what's the deal here? Anybody think odds are, the answer was gonna be "No" and I simply gave her "plausible deniability"? So she can just point to that and say, "See, that's the reason."
Was this actually a hooker, and I wasn't taking the cues?
What in the world is going on here? Does this sound like a damaged girl?
Best,
I'd say if anyone is "damaged" here its you. Take accountability for your actions. You went on a date with a girl, you came on strong with needy behavior. You felt she was obligated to do certain things for you by 'doing favours' (picking her up, making microwave pizzas and such). When she didn't respond to you in a timely manner (whatever that means) you lost your shit and became reactive - a stronger man would have got his behavior in check - sure he may have felt similarly (or not) but he would have had some self-restraint and accountability to him and NOT reacted. So now you're still trying to deflect and point a finger outside of yourself, and this won't gain you any favour with women, period.
Your incessant and emotionally-ladder and progressively rude texts exposed you for the guy she's likely used to meeting: short tempered, reactive, draws assumptions, smothering and controlling.
She's dead-on, regardless of what her intentions may have been for that evening and any potential future date. Man-up, take accountability and learn from this.
- Rob
CHAT
I am really beating a dead horse, but I'll do it anyway. Right after you wrote you get it, the text you wrote shows you don't.