I took the above post as a stand-alone, but gleaning over the original posting you're right. It does seem however that he's looking to her for 'evidence' that things are good again. The issue could also just be that he's not creating enough mystery and intrigue in the relationship (aka being predictable/relationship complacency). Or, the two are just a poor fit.

Right. What I would do, and this is just how I would handle it, would be to read the stuff, reflect, and communicate. I dont think OP has much of a chance unless his girl actively tries with him. 8 years, that's a really long time for her to look back on and have an idea of where things are heading. Resentment over neglecting her, boredom during those years and missing excitement, whether OP has lost his purpose in his own life, whether she's been thinking about dating again, and where the relationship is heading. For eg, I feel like if OP becomes more masculine, it may take too long for her to see a real change in him, or even if she does, maybe she still may fear he may go back and neglect her or feels anger towards him for that. Maybe he's more masculine, but as he has provided no assurance of marriage soon, she may just not want to waste her time in a great relationship that still isnt going anywhere.

That's why if it were me, after reading and internalizing some stuff quickly, I'd come to her tell her I know I neglected her and myself if thats the case and that I'm committed to improving myself. Not for her, but for me. And if we are to work, she has to work too and forgive some of the past shit. If she is resentful about stuff let her say it. Lets move on from it. Lets discuss where this is going and whether we want the same things from life. And if we dont want the same things, and if she cant forgive, and if she'd like to be single, I'd tell her I'm fine with that. This is not saying please forgive me I need you, it's saying currently, this is not the lame relationship I want either...and you can either stay and work on it with me while I take care of some things or you can walk. Alot will have to change.

Id handle it like this, because if she's checked out, she's out. If she hates me for wasting 8 years, if I get self centered, she'll frame it in her mind as I'm just neglecting her again. It's a tight rope walk of doing your own thing and bringing the excitement, attraction back. You can start going to the gym again and improving yourself, but if she's still at home cleaning, she's gonna be bored and walk. You can be more flirtatious/intriguing with her, if she sees you as weak it'll just turn her off. I'd rather make sure she's committed to working on things as well.

That's my take on it. I'd blend the good advice here and get the excitement/sexuality back as well as masculinity back. And part of the masculinity piece is telling her this is not the kind of relationship I want and I'm working on it. If you dont want to be with me, then fine and good luck.

I want to re-dress the issue by looking at the original post. It's a challenge discerning what the real issue is when the other person isn't here to give their version of the situation.

Regardless, taking this at face value I'm going to address this as honestly as I can.

Thank you so much guys.
We went out for some food and drinks last night and it went really well. I've been trying to be more assertive more masculine from what little I did read from the 3% book( planning a big read today).
However when we went to bed, I went to hug her( spoon style) and she didn't say anything, but literally did not even reciprocate anything back, just lay there and didn't seem interested in my gesture. So eventually I let it go and went to sleep.

It seems whenever a physical interaction or play by any sort by myself is initiated she does not seem to welcome it at the moment. Its so weird, it has never been like this before, we have had our ups and downs but she never has give me the cold shoulder like this. Its honestly like she has completely closed herself off physically.

Here is the biggie though, I know I shouldnt have but I read through her phone when she was in the shower. . No guys seem to be involved but I did find a message trail to one of her friends.
She basically said to her friend that:

She never seems to be 100% sure anymore about us
Keeps thinking a lot recently about spllitting up/ not sure what she wants
Not sure if her heart is in it anymore
Mentioned the fact that I gave her a back rub and that im obviously "making an effort"

During this conversion, she said at the end that we will keep on trying and see what happens .

I know it was a total scumbag move, but I know where she is it. It seems that I definitely need to work on my masculinity judging by the making an effort line?

She is actually on a night out tonight with her friend so I'm sure she will be looking to get back into the single scene.


My head says tomorrow I should just tell her its over and that if she isn't 100 percent we should be apart, my heart says otherwise because I am an idiot.

I think the thing that intrigues me the most is that there were several phases in the relationship where I wanted to split from her but didnt want to hurt her, it seems maybe like the shoe is on the other foot now. I find her more attractive than ever now, I know this is because potentially I may lose her but its bugging me.

I just turned 30 years and head ideals of settling down, getting married and having kids. I'm sure she did too, infact it was only a few months ago she was all over me ( sending me texts all the time) and initiating a lot of contact.

Seems when things go well you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Stop looking into her phone, social media or whatever it'll only fuel your insecurities further.

Again as another poster above stated she's skeptical if the change is real or feigned. I wouldn't start making any physical moves at the moment she will let you know, she will come to you when she feels safe and secure again.

I can see it in your posts you feel optimistic in the first part but then it quickly fades back to your insecurity about her testing the market again and all this other stuff. That narrative needs to stop, especially the one where you treated her so badly blah blah blah. Over and done with its the past and the longer you hold onto it the more u'll sabotage what you're doing and neglect to see what you are in fact doing 'right'.

Thanks man.

I know I shouldn't have looked through it

When you say it like that. Its interesting that I do actually seem to write like that, positive then wean into the negative. . Never looked at it like that,

I've had some tough times this year, lost my job and my new one is far less important and less paid. After reading some of the 3% book I realise that moaning and complaining to it to my other half constantly is something that is not good for the relationship and makes me weak.

It's fine man. Life, it's full of loss. It's how we deal with it, how we overcome, which defines who we are. You can wallow in it, OR you can pull yourself back up and keep moving forward growing from the lessons we've learned. You lose your job so what do you do? You find a better one - maybe you learn a new skill to get that better job, or try a different career or whatever - the point is you adapt and make changes you don't sit and wallow and play the victim card. Same with relationships.

This is an invaluable insight you've come to right now. To change this mindset, its not life serving. So taking her out of the equation for the moment and really looking at that and changing that attitude would be an excellent start.

N2 is right. Look man, DO something. You KNOW not to complain about your job situation. Good. But what about taking some action? Figure out what you need to do to get a better job and start making some moves. Which is more attractive to her? You NOT complaining anymore - she thinks after a while oh he hasnt complained about his job in a week...she probably wont even notice or it wouldnt be that significant of a sighn. OR...You lining up some interviews and taking some steps to get a better job? The second option she SEES you doing something, not NOT seeing you do something.

I missed this. Agreed again.

Guys you have had a bunch so far, I've already started looking at my body posture and other things.

I remember must have been 4 years ago or so , I was at a works party and one of my managers said to me" Cam you have your mac on tonight" meaning that I was wooing all the girls looking sharp and masculine. I havnt been that guy in a while, time to bring him back.

I slept well last night, woke up this morning with a purpose. A week or so ago I would be up all night worrying out my girlfriend being out, talking to other guys. I suppose the one thing that does hurt me at my core is the thought of he being with another man, Juvenile I know but it has been an issue of mine all my life. Something I need to fix in my character as it can get quite intense for me. Most likely stems from something in Childhood.

Asides from that deep inside, . Does anyone have a good pointers on text game for my relationship? Given the fact that we have been going out for 8 years.

A typical conversation these days is her texting me at work, talking about a problem at her job, saying what she is making for tea(she always cooks,I should maybe fix this). In fact I have looked through some of the texts in recent memory and the most seem to involve this.

I didnt text her all of yesturday and she is home later today as she is working, Im unsure if a freezeout would be a good idea but I dont want to seem like I need her?

You started slipping when you made your GF your life, your only sense of purpose.

She doesn't want that, more importantly it isn't helpful to you either. Isn't it interesting how women are attracted to men who are purpose-oriented and looking to better themselves? It is to no coincidence that this is invariably the case.

You've now been reminded of the power of having a sense of purpose about you. Write your goals down and your mind will find a way to meet them - EVEN if you don't have a clear-cut plan at the moment as to the "how". Just the mindset in itself will re-shift the focus back to yourself, and whether she sticks around or not it will become immaterial. You're working on yourself, and working towards improving which will attract others as well. It is the renewed sense of energy to which you do things, THAT's what is abundance. The man who makes his GF the bane of his existence, well thats neediness, a scarcity mentality towards the world - a REPELLING force.

Freezeout? Dude, just work on yourself.

Tbh I'm pessimistic about your situation. And I feel bad for your situation, but you're just thinking about improving yourself for her. You're reflecting, which is good, but if your girl is thinking about leaving you, then every minute you dont do something you lose her more. For eg, you say she cooks all the time and its a problem. Your next action should be to cook. You should be cooking now. You shouldnt be THINKING that maybe you should, you just should. You're talking about freezing out....what are you freezing her out from? Not to be rude, but boredom? Lame conversations and no sex? What is your freezeout going to withhold from her? But no, she'll come home from work and you'll try to sleep with her.

Let me tell you something man, all that matters is what you do. I meet many guys who talk about they found purpose and blah blah blah, then they dont do anything. If you've found a purpose, your actions change. Where is the surprise date? And not dinner or something you do, something you havent done?

You're lucky man, if she hasnt started to talk to someone yet. Count your blessings. Because most girls by now wouldve started giving that number out with the disclaimer "I have a bf, but we're gonna break up soon." And there would be a guy texting her funny flirtatious stuff until she eventually sees you as more boring, breaks up and texts the guy "I'm free now lets go out."

It takes ONE second to make a choice. You already have an idea of what you should do. Just do it.

+1 Wise words

I took one of the recent advice last and cooked and made sure our apartment was clean when she arrived home . I went out to see a buddy for and she texted me to ask where I was and seemed pleased that the place was in a good shape . we watched a movie and did have some good laughs.
The sticky point does seem to be when we go to bed , I know going for sex is a bad idea but there is a distinct lack of intimacy from before. We just lie in bed totally separate from each other , I'm reluctant to try to hug her due to he lack of feedback last time I tried .

My question is should I try to hug her in any situation be in the bed or kitchen if we are getting along well , or as the 3% book tells us - women are like cats I need to wait for them? If so how long should I wait

I think the main fear in the back of mind is that she doesn't find me attractive anymore and we are developed into a friendship zone .

Thanks for all the support guys

This will manifest if you keep thinking like this. A self fulfilling prophecy.

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USER HAS BEEN BANNED FOR REPEATEDLY IGNORING MOD WARNINGS AND MULTIPLE RULE VIOLATIONS

Ask yourself if the behavior is coming out of a needy place ("i need her reassurance/validation that everying is 'OK' w a hug or touch), OR that you just simply want to give her a hug as a 'gift' without expecting anything back.

If its the neediness frame don't do it, she'l sense it. Go hug yourself in a dark room or something, just don't look to her for it.


See right now you're being a bit of puppy dog looking to its owner for reassurance that it did good.

You made dinner and cleaned things up; she gets home and is pleased; you expect something in return now like a pet on the head or a milk bone.

Be a man go about your business