So I've been reading this book called how to win friends and influence people, and I want to work it into my game.


Basically the idea behind this book is that people are very self centered, they like approval and they like talking about themselves. They like to feel important and they like to be in control. And my question to you guys is, how do I get the girl to really open up? What could I ask?

Could I maybe say something that implies that I will respond positively to what she says? What do you guys think?

This concept is the central focus of my conversational style. It works really well for me because I'm an introvert and it's just easier for me to listen to a girl talking about herself rather than me trying to impress her with shit about me.

You want to ask questions, but not the same old boring interview questions that she hears all the time: "Where are from? What do you do? What's your favorite color?" Blah blah blah...

Don't dwell on asking for technical details. Don't focus so much on the "what."

Focus on the "why."

Discover her motivations and values. Ask more "why" questions than "what" questions. I don't literally mean "use the word WHY more." I mean ask questions geared toward finding out something deeper than just what her name is and where she's from.

What's your favorite color? Red? Why is red your favorite? Are you a fiery person? What do you feel when you imagine the color red? WHAT DOES IT MEAN

Great idea, I thought about something to add to this thread. For people looking for info. She opens up to you when you open up to her. This applies with girls who may be a little shy.

That's also one of the first concepts you learn if you ever study Social Psychology: Reciprocation. People feel more comfortable sharing things if you've already shared those things about yourself.

It also falls in line with the classic pickup and NLP concept of "You go first."

Personally, I go about it a slightly different way. Since my conversational approach is based in curiosity, I'm going to get SOMETHING out of her first, even if it's tiny. I then offer my own thing (for example, if she told me her favorite color, I would tell her my favorite color) if she shows any interest or asks me the same question in return.

However, once I get a little deeper, at some point she might start feeling vulnerable from telling so much about herself without knowing all that much about me. That's when I do the whole "exposing vulnerabilities" thing and start telling her some intimate details first, before asking her about the same thing.

I find that an awkward silence and a facial expression to look at her that you're waiting for her to say something will often make them talk...

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I do 3 questions that not only make the girl talk but makes her connect me with happy childhood stories.

1. where do you work

2. What do you want to do in the future

3. as a kid you must have?


i.e. So you work at starbucks?
yeah
what is that like?
Oh I hate it its so industrial and everything is so impersonal unlike other coffee places
Ahh so I imagine that isn't what you want to do for the rest of your life
Oh nooo
What would you like to be doing in 20 years time then?
I want to design dresses! I...blah blah blah
Ahh so as a kid you must have loved barbie dolls and dressing them up?
No actually.
Oh so what was it you loved doing as a kid then? what were your favorite ways to spend your free time
I loved to play with my mother makeup and.... blah blah blah

Honestly if you use these 3 questions right the conversation can last you the whole night, and she won't want to stop talking. The trick is to be natural and listen, be interested in her.

One of my favourite ways to get a girl to talk about herself, is a mindset that took
me a long time to figure out.

The mindset is CURIOSITY.

My conversations used to feel forced, and very un-natural. I would ask a girl questions, but it would just
feel somehow weird and awkward.

Then I realised that when I have conversations that flow naturally, I actually am curious about the other person.

When you're curious, a girl can feel it - and feels important and flattered that someone is curious about
her.

Curiosity makes you ask questions about her in a natural way, as opposed in a forced way.

The energy that you're giving on is different, and the conversation will actually flow more naturally.

Do this simple exercise right now.

Call up a friend right now, and try to be curious about his day - and notice
how the conversation goes.

Then call another friend, and try to make a conversation without being curious about him.

You'll notice the difference being obvious.

When you're talking with a girl, and you are curious, you'll naturally want to know more about what she's
saying, and you'll ask natural questions.

If she talks about how she studies a lot, you'll naturally want to know:

- What she studies, h
- How many hours she studies, and
- Is she actually enjoying what she's studying?

I read How to win friends and influence people probably 7 or 8 times by now. I had it on audio book and listened
to it all the time. So trust me when I say, curiosity is the answer.

Apply this one mindset and you'll get it working like a charm.

O and by the way, I do want to mention that you don't want to be too curious. And what i mean by that is that
you don't start pinging the woman with questions after a question.

You want to make a natural conversation.

So every now and then, every 2 questions...make a comment.

When she says she's studying law, mention how you have a lot of friends who went to law just because they
wanted to be like L.A Law and other celebrities...only to find that it's not how they portray it in the movies.

In other words, be a conversationalist, not a prosecutor or a police.

Hope this make sense, and also, if you'd want to be a part of my test group, where I'm testing a new
approach anxiety cure technique, I invite you and anyone reading to join. Details in my signature.

Hope this helps, good luck with your progress.

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great advice. and i read that same book you read. there are so many subtle things that we don't know, that we have to actually make ourselves curious rather than looking up every subtle detail that makes a person seem perfectly curious in a perfectly natural conversation.