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Clowd, That is quite a story! Off-topic, but I want to commend you on your excellent writing abilities.
I do appreciate you giving me the details as it definitely helps me relate to your situation. On the whole, I think you are figuring out your former relationship pretty well. You seem to be very good at recognizing your own mistakes. The only thing I worry is that you might not be taking the best steps to fix them, if that makes any sense.
The only thing you left out here is how she feels about you. I know it's hard to speculate, but it would be a good to know what she is thinking as well. Nonetheless, I will give you my best input on your situation:
Hm. I'm really not sure how she feels. Like I said, she always fishes for compliments from me ("i'm so fat", "i'm not feeling attractive anymore", blah blah blah) and she MUST know that there's always going to be like a sexual spark between us? She's not stupid.
You're probably right about me not taking the best steps to fix my mistakes, but, at the same time... what opportunity have I had to show that I fixed them?
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Then she came along, and to be honest, it was more of the same at first.
She was probably intrigued by the fact that you put yourself first, which is an attractive quality at the beginning of a relationship.
I don't disagree.
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From that day on, there was not a day that went by where we weren't together.
This is a HUGE mistake at the starting of a relationship. Most people who fall into this category wind up breaking up with their partner in the end. . .
How do you figure? We were just so passionate about each other that we couldn't help it.
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This all took place during the summer, but now it was getting towards fall and she had to go back to school. It wasn't that bad - only about a 45 minute drive, but, it was still a serious hamper on our time together. We both agreed that we are important enough to each other to deal with it, though. And we did, for a while. We were still together every weekend and I tried to visit every other week or so. It was still awesome, the distance actually made it even more magical because, well, absence makes the heart grow fond.
This is your trigger, even though it is not your fault. I have this theory that relationships end for three reasons: a change of situation, too many problems to be resolved, and a change of feelings. A change of feelings is typically contingent on the first two broad categories. Your predicament falls into the first category, which inevitably leads to the second and third categories.
It seems to me that the two of you are at a different point in your lives. If she had any kind of doubts about the relationship, then the distance would give her time to figure out what she wants. Thus, it vindicates her from any kind of guilt about breaking up with you. Make sense?
I hear you. Thinking back on it, she really took the distance hard... I remember her crying a good few times about it. I don't know how much of that was actually over me as opposed to just being homesick, but whatever. The distance was one of the reasons she gave me for breaking up with me... but again, I don't know what the bullshit percentage of that was.
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One night she came online and sent me a message. It said something to the effect of - "hey, I just got out of bed to tell you how much I love you. goodnight"
Without sounding too cynical, I think I'm getting a one-sided story. Nonetheless, I do not doubt your love towards each other. But when women are in stressful situations they tend to have a series of mixed emotions. Then it makes perfect sense that she would tell you these kinds of things, even if it is right before she breaks up with you. I can't really articulate this very well, but you might just have to take my word for it.
Yeah, in fact, when I mentioned this to her after we broke up, she said she didn't even remember doing it!! Pretty crushing.
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It was my fault - her friend(a female) was home from school that weekend and she wanted to hang out with her the next night. But was I a normal human and said that it was ok? nope. I was a needy dumbass and I bitched and complained about it... to the point where she even agreed that she would just cancel on her and hang out with me instead. What can I say, it was my pre-game days. I was stupid. I think this was the straw that broke the camels back as far as her breaking up with me goes.
Very stupid indeed.
But still, this would not be the reason that she broke up with you. She was probably having doubts about the relationship. It certainly would make sense that this could tip her over the edge.
Yeah, like I said, I think it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. She was probably just like "I'm done with this" after that. That must have been so unattractive.
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The next night we were together for maybe like 2 hours, and, I suppose this is a good time to mention, we hadn't had sex in at LEAST two weeks.
This is VERY big trend in a downward sloping relationship.
Not the lack of sex, but the lack of sexual drive. Make sense?
Yeah, no doubt, I have witnessed this exact same thing in EVERY single one of my friend's relationships that have failed.
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I fought and fought (now I know I was only making it worse) and it just didn't get anywhere. It got to the point where she didn't even want to talk to me anymore (and rightfully so. I couldn't even say "hi" to her without bursting out in tears.)
Again, you are very good at picking up on your own mistakes. I think it is important to keep an open line of communication. Without sounding needy, simply ask her why she ended the relationship. At the worst case-scenario, you could use it as a learning experience for your future relationships.
We definitely have an open line of communication, we talk on the phone almost every night for an hour or so. We have been hanging out every weekend (except this one, lol) for a little while now. I think it's a bit too late to ask why she ended our relationship - it's been about a year(8 months of which we didn't talk - this was my "other girl" time), but, it's no matter because I think I have a pretty solid grasp of why she ended it. I think I had every single factor in the world against me.
-First and foremost, as demonstrated by the "Final straw" argument - I was very needy at the end (which is funny, because at the beginning, I was the exact opposite of needy)
-Then there was the distance, and while 45 minutes isn't that long, it was long enough to keep us mostly apart
-Of course theres her being in college surrounded by a bunch of um... we'll say "loose" girls, that were no doubt telling her to break up with me so she can "have fun" (also known as being slutty)
-Then there's her own urges to be "Free" while at school, which I probably fed the flames for because I was easily made jealous while she was away.
-Our age. I'm only 20. She is 19. Which, common sense dictates that I should not give a shit about anything like this at my age, but I can't help otherwise.
-I suspect she has some sort of self esteem issue. It seems that she only falls for guys that just want to use her for sex, as I did in the beginning? From my point of view, this seems to be a trend in her life. Maybe she sees it differently, I don't know.
-I'm sure there are countless other factors that were stacked against me that I'm not even thinking of. I got owned by nature. haha.
So, I think I'm really pretty set for the next go around... the only thing that's wrong is, like I said, I have had no opportunity to show off what I have learned.
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I have not been the same since. All my obliviousness in life was absolutely shattered(which I suppose isn't neccessarily a bad thing). I cannot recall a single day where I could honestly tell you I was happy. Not once. Just to give an example of how destroyed I was over this - earlier on when it first happened, I would literally lie in bed for 24 hours at a time. Usually face down. I would call out of work, I didn't want to eat... I think I lost like 20 pounds in a month.
As much as you can love someone, a relationship does not constitute the greater whole in life. You need to looks towards other aspects in your life that will bring you happiness. Such as playing a sport, or hanging out with the family. Make sense?
This is another thing I know you're right about, and maybe there's just something wrong with me, but I can't help but not even want to get out of bed some days because of it, even after all this time. It's almost like, if things aren't right with her, then nothing is right. Stupid perhaps, maybe it's just my age. Hormones and all.
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I don't think I could be more attracted to someone in my life. It's really weird, because she's not even my type physically - in fact, in all honesty, if I didn't know her, I would probably only rate her a 7 or 8. But since I do know her(and I know her better than probably 98% of the people in her life) I rate her a straight up 10. no, an 11 actually.
Makes perfect sense. Another question: Are you more attracted to her now that you can't have her? . . . it is typically the case.
Hm. I'm not sure. I remember one time while we were still dating, I was walking up the stairs behind her and I looked up and saw her butt, and I was like "damn, this is my girlfriend... this is pretty fucking awesome." whereas before we dated I wasn't that into her. So I don't know if it's just because she changed my tastes (Which she definitely did), or if it's the "I want what I can't have" syndrome.
I think it's both.
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Anyway, lately we have been hanging out a lot and we talk on the phone every night... but I feel like I'm starting to get caught in like an emotional affair or something.
Now is the time to reinvent yourself! Whatever kinds of mistakes you were making before, don't make them now. And you don't need to tell her this; she should be able to pick it up on her own. . .
Oh, and
DO NOT ACT NEEDY!
What I'm going to tell you may be a bit strange, but take my word for it. If she has feelings for you (the prerequisite) and you act indifferent or apathetic towards her, then she will begin to seek your validation once again. In my humble opinion, her validation is the end goal as a Pick-Up Artist. With her validation, you have friendship, sex, and/or a relationship (not necessarily in that order). Do not take this out-of-context though. Don't be rude or mean to her, instead just show her that you can do fine without her. It drives women crazy! (i.e. tell her about how good of a "friend" she is. Don't give her anything to push up against. If she considers you a friend, then make it your priority to be more of a friend. Make sense? If it doesn't, then let me know and I can clarify some more. . .)
Let me know how things turn out. I wish you the best.
I'm confused. Don't I want to try to get away from the friend frame? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd rather be her friend than NOTHING, but, optimally, my goal is to be in a relationship with her again. I want to make her feel good about herself again, I want to make her happy when she is feeling sad, I want to make her feel safe, etc etc... but I feel like the friend zone is not the place to do that. Like I said, I don't want to get caught in an emotional affair with her - where I'm just the source of her feeling good about herself and nothing else.
I don't want to be the "gay guy friend" - the, in effect, asexual sensitive friend she goes to for support and has her sexual adventures with other guys.
Thanks for the help man, it's good to hear from someone that just doesn't give me mad shit about having a oneitis. Trust me, if I had met anyone that made me feel the same way, I would be with her. I also don't want to come off as being like strictly "she's the only one for me." but as far as everyone I have met goes, she is.
CHAT
