Idk how is it about the others but I try to maintain some fairness/balance in the relationship.

IMO I think this is the best way to maintain things healthy and you show that you are valuable and worthy when you don't sell yourself short.

HOWEVER the girl often contrasts me with sentences like: "if you love me you would not look for everything to be fair" "when you do something for people it should come from your true hearth" and things in that manner but with slightly negative tone.

In reality YES I like her and do things for her, but I just try not to over do it (as I was doing before) and I know if I over do it leads to bad consequences. I do seek for fairness balance and equableness, but occasionally I fall in situations where I get double minded.

Like last night for instance. She asked me to borrow some money to pay for her taxi since she has forgotten her wallet (it was true she really forgot it). I'd usually say something like: "OK cool but u'll need to do my laundry later".
And on this I was sure she would say again that I always look for fairness and if I want to do something I should do it from my hearth and not look for everything to be fair... blah blah...

The most constructive thing I managed to come up was to say her "ok lets walks a bit toward your place and if you get tired will call you a taxi" and eventually we walked to her place.

I know similar situation will occur in the future, so what best way to proceed with those. If I say her straight NO I come accross as "not caring for her" if I say YES I come across as "the bank" for her (applying the influence principle of commitment and consistency will give her next time the advantage to do it again and again etc.") and also I sell myself short and lower my inner worth. Whats the golden middle point for dealing with those?

Share please your experience.

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

Life's not fair. Tell this bitch to tough her own shit out. haha

No. I'm just playing...but in reality by this very quote that you've given...
I will tell you that she is using you. True heart? "If you love me" I know no matter what I say you wont take it and use it, you are obviously blinded by this chick and she's treating you like shit. Does she do things for you...for nothing? I mean I don't know if there's any examples and if there are is it as long of a list as yours?

A relationshit...yes I said a relationSHIT needs to be a GIVE and TAKE type of thing...because yes you do care, but you're both supposed to care and give your all. So it is FAIR don't know what this bitch is fucking talking about....holy fucking shit.

Giving and taking sounds fair to me...what about you?

I don't know the circumstance whether you are living with her or not or even whether this is something new or a long-term relationshit? I need some more details to give you more advice, but from the sounds of it she's pulling that whole IF you love me card a little too much and romantic mumbo jumbo, I think it's a card that she's slapping you over the face with to make you her little submissive bitch until I'm proven otherwise by many examples of her doing the same likeness I will continue to believe this.

Not standing up for yourself in a relationshit is bad news. You can't go into something without being able to stand your ground or be your own man...no offense intended, but sometimes being the bad guy is needed and if she doesn't like it explain to her that you are feeling used in certain aspects and that a relationshit is a give and take thing, you can't always be the one to supply on demand whether you care for her or not.

You could easily say "I am feeling like I'm being taken for granted and it is making me feel uncomfortable" OH SHEEEEIT she wont know what to say once you say "No" and then top it off with that...ICING ON THE CAKE FOR THE WIN!

In other words...where is her caring? Where is her love? If she had either of those things within her for you would she continue to pull this card and pressure you into doing things over and over again.

After awhile I'd get sick of hearing it and dump her ass so I don't look like a complete and utterly hopeless fool, but it is up to you man. I wish you the best. PM if you want. I'm not you, but I'd rather much prefer casual dating rather than some relationshit where I get invested and it turns into THIS DOUBLE STANDARD BULLSHIT with drama galore

Yes she does things for me also. I asked her to borrow her bike for few days - she agreed. She sends me on FB stuff that I perceive as interesting, she cooked me some pie surprise yesterday. And tells me "I do it because I feel like doing it and I don't look for you to give me something in return." While in her eyes it seems that if I do something I always look for the fairness and how she needs to do something back. (which is kind of true to some extend).

We are together for about a month. We go physical last week. But we know each other for 8 years, but just superficially.

Idk maybe in previous my experiences I was more laid back and the women was doing more for me while I wasn't so much. But eventually I came to the conclusion that being selfish is not a good thing.
I don't think/feel like she is pressuring me to do things for her. Its like she is explaining her logic to me. Its not like "if you (I) don't do this... consequence will happen... etc." Maybe I didn't communicated her words correct. Actually I don't think she said "if you love me" (thats too strong) what she said last night was more like "if someone does something for someone else he should do it without looking for the other person to do something in return" Which I (now realize) interpret it as "if you love me you should do it..." But its 2 different things.

But in general I was asking how to keep things balanced in RS, keep your worth but also show her that you care for her.

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

I know what you were asking and I said it...cut and dry. There's not much more to be said than just standing ground and talking about your feelings. You say that you don't feel this way like she's using you, but you come here to ask this question of fairness and balance, doesn't that show you are feeling something that is very, very similar or not the same as it?

A relationship is supposed to be fair. It's TWO individuals working together as ONE. That in itself balances things out. A relationship is about communication and you tell me that you're not feeling pressured, but you had just said you felt like you COULDN'T say no, but then you're denying feeling pressured. You don't want to look like the bad guy that's the pressure in it and you think if you told her no on certain things that there wouldn't be consequences or she wouldn't see things differently than she does now? I mean when you say no she throw that bullshit line in your face...but you tell me that it's not a card?

Either I'm just viewing something that's not there by everything that you have given me which seems unlikely since I'm just repeating back to you what you said and analyzing it or you're explaining it horrendously.

Being in a relationship is not doing every fucking thing that the other person says or asks, it's about compromising and looking at it reasonably, but taking both of your feelings and what's beneficial for both of your lives and relationship in the context whether that's popular belief or not...it's the truth.

So to be a fair and balanced relationship....yes I look for that because I think about things I'm doing and going to be doing and I wonder to myself in the relationship if the tables were turned would I be happy and fine that they did this or that or would they do the same thing I'm doing?

It's about not having double standards, it's about caring, it's about compromising, but most of all it's about communication and making decisions TOGETHER seeing as that you are TOGETHER. But I just don't feel like like if you say no to something after discussing something and being in a reasonable manner and logical state after some time to think about it, that she should make you feel uneasy about your decision when you believe that it's the right thing to do.

I don't mean to say no all the time and especially I feel like you should have walked her home like you did or helped out with the taxi only because she really DID forget her wallet.

But it's just I guess the way I see it is if something happens over and over and over again...you need to see and read the signs and be reasonable about things because now you're not just thinking about yourself or what you want to do, but you have someone else that you need to think about and be there for, but not blindly so.

I think I've explained my take on all of this and THAT IS HOW you have a fair and balance relationship with maturity, but it takes TWO and I'm glad you're not the only one putting the effort in because yes a relationship is hard work and it takes a shit ton of effort and it's a lot different than just the friendship you had before because they hold unique importance or should in your life if it's a SERIOUS relationship, if it holds true meaning in your life.

Best wishes. And you just remember all that I've said because that's why relationships turn into relationshits with senseless drama because they don't think as a relationship as being TOGETHER...it's all about what they want and never counting the other person into the equation.

Yes i get what you said. I'm not selfish but I stand my ground too.

Thanks for the effort put in.

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

Fairness in relationships is one. Tit for tat cooperation is a completely different thing.

Fairness in relationships is fairness in the total amount of things you do for each other - both with emotional, or monetary value. However, ensuring fairness by demanding rewards for every thing you do for her explicitly brings the focus on the monetary cost/benefit aspect, and does not take in consideration the motivations. Which is deadly for a relationship.

Imagine your woman giving you that pie surprise, you say "Thanks", and her reply is "For nothing. Now, come and do my laundry! Cause it's only fair, you know..."

Men love claiming how logical they are, whether it's true or not, I won't argue, but do you believe it's logical to stick your head in the sand and dismiss the motivations behind actions?

When your girl says she wants you to do things "from heart", she is basically stating she is questioning your motivations. Is your motivation to do something nice to/for her, or is it to give a favor in order to get one from her later? The first motive is healthy for a relationship, the second one is good for business interactions. Choose what you want from her and act accordingly.

Actually, most women initiate the compliance test (rather than men). Compliance tests like, "Buy me a drink" or "Load me up some credits for my mobile phone" are common.

In relationships, many men who visit this section to ask for help are in the quagmire of women demanding a lot from them without giving much in return and their women are not exactly happy about the set up either.

Let me repeat: A woman doing nice things for you is horny for you. She will gladly do nice things for you even when you're not demanding anything but you can facilitate her doing nice things for you to measure neutral feedback if you're banging her good or if her sexual attraction to you is still very high so you can sustain a healthy relationship.

If you want to keep your woman happy, then you should reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. It's about gender roles. A feminine woman is happier in a relationship when she is doing her gender role. Reward her for being a feminine woman and punish her when she starts taking on a masculine role in your relationship.

Toilet training and learning to brush your teeth isn't about business interactions 100%. It's plain rewards and punishment to keep your social interactions and personal relationships healthy. Do you think you can keep a girlfriend for more than a week if you have not been brushing your teeth for seven days or if you poop anywhere in her house other than the toilet? What's your motivation for brushing your teeth?

Rewards and Punishment are the very fabric of human societies and relationships. It's one of the memes that make us human. Treat your girlfriend as a human being (and not a goddess) and both of you will be happier.

What's your motivation to ask her to do your laundry? Your motivation is to keep her and make her happy as a feminine woman by tapping on her nurturing instincts as a human female. If this is not the case, then do NOT take my advice.

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Approach. Open. Escalate. Isolate

Here are my two essential rules on texting that will save you tons of time and money:

general-questions/topic137931.html

I guess I have a different perspective on this situation. To me it sounds like she's looking for more out of you to feel that you appreciate her and since you're not doing things she's giving you things to do.

How about just doing things for her out of the blue that she doesn't expect. I think you'll be surprised how fast this problem will evaporate once you do nice shit for her for no reason other than you want her to feel loved and appreciated.

Also I def don't agree with telling her she needs to do something for you cuz you just did something for her... to me that seems needy. "I need the score to be even so go do my laundry". Fuck that, be a man and do something nice cuz she's yur girl and see how fast she'll do your laundry without being asked cuz she knows you'll appreciate it.

Answer me this: what feels better, getting something you told someone to give you, or getting something out of the blue for no reason? That'd what yur girl wants, so sack up, don't overthink it and do nice shit for her.

How do you balance to do nice things for the girl and not look like you want to impress her? Should I wait until she does something nice for me and the do nice thing for her or should I take the lead (first step) I don't have problem doing nice things for girls.

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

Nice point about helping her tap into her feminine nurturing instincts. What are some other ways I can provoke those in her?

My motivation to ask her to do my laundry is that I don't have a washing machine and she does. (and this will save me time)But I have a feeling that this is not the right answer you are expecting.

And of course when she does it I will compensate her for that.

Btw I told her subtly that I might have done mistake by cooking for her, and by taking the opportunity for her to cook me. But she said that either way she is not much into cooking and is not a good cook anyway. She made me coffee.

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

I really don't know if any advice is going to help you. You're in the weird situation with this girl where you think she's not way attracted to you. So it's weird because she could want you to be nice and that would spark something or if you're nice she could lose whatever attraction she has. Your situation is confusing and I don't think it's good from a learning point of view.

ehhh... it is what it is. I mean I've had past gfs that were deeply attracted to me for no reason (as far as I could see). I've had also girls that I personally evaporated the attraction from them (but that was wayyyyyy in the bast about 10 yrs ago) And since then I put a lot of effort going dealing with my inner challenges.

I think she definitely wants me to do nice and romantic things for her (she told me that I'm not romantic and maybe too pushy) but I know that when I got "romantic" I go in the Friend Zone (where I was in past) with our relations.

So I'm going with the sexual (pushy) strategy and occasionally I'll do romantic stuff.

I think it all boils down to how I feel. When I feel sexual and horny I transmit that into her. Yet sometimes I feel like I want to be good, romantic type of gentles men and when I do it she reacts to that too.

IMO there has to be some equal balance between both.

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

I Really don't think u need to worry about the friend zone aat this point, and really the only way I see that happening is if your romanticism comes from a needy place. As in doing something romantic to make her more invested in you as opposed to doing something romantic to simply display your affection for her because IT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD to be generous. Chicks can smell neediness a mile away, so if that has gotten you friendzoned in the past it's due to the intentions behind the act...not that act itself. Doing some grand romantic gesture as a desperate act to keep or get a girl will fuck you every time, doing that same thing for someone you know is invested in you because it makes you feel good to do it and you know it'll make her feel good is what she wants.

Well explained.
What could be an example of this. I still don't get it.

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"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

Such as planning a crazy elaborate date, like you pick her up in a horse drawn carriage holding 12 dozen roses then take her to some crazy expensive restaurant....all designed to make her feel more for your as opposed to doing to show her how much you appreciate her.

The first is an example of being totally needy and desperate. You're seeking validation by trying to manipulate her into falling for you or getting her to vastly increase how she feels about you. Your essentially kissing her ass saying "if I do all these things will you like me".

The second is what a man does to show his girl how important she is to him. It's not validation seeking. It says "I'm going to give all these great things tonight because you are an incredible person and showing you how I feel makes me happy"

It's the difference between being insecure and confident. The insecure guy does shit looking for approval, the confident guy does it for no other reason than he wants to.

That's why when u make her do something in return for something you did for her, you think you're showing strength but you're actually being needy.