hey guys, reason I am here is that I need help with a part of my life.

my issue is basically that I am a loner, i have no friends, at first i was alright with having no friends but now it is really effecting me, no one ever calls me or invites me any where or is interested in hanging out with me, i joined a gym to meet new people and i meet people and talk to them a bit but that is it, we only talk in gym, and very little and basic, so i am feeling like I am not the guy you invite any where, you become friend with or even want to talk to. I try to chat with people, be nice, smile but it does not work for both males and females.

i also go to uni and I attempt to talk to people but still it does not get deeper, I become the person they know and talk to if they see, not the friend they come to talk to and want to hang with.

i try to make, small talk, chat, smile but nothing works, I can not make the progress to become friends with guys or dating with girls.

so i need help, if you have any more questions or need me to clarify anything inorder to help me better, i will answer anything. i just really need help. i have not had a friend or dated for 3-4 years.

thanks

Are you actually showing genuine curiosity about these people that you talk to or are you just making pointless small talk?

Are you aware that other people are full of depth and stories that you can learn from and be amazed by? Are you aware of that potential in other people?

Are you aware of the fact that, if you dig a little deeper to get to know how someone ticks, that you'll potentially unlock a treasure trove full of themes that you can relate to and connect with and empathize with?

...or do you just think of other people as NPCs with pre-programmed scripts that they spit out when you stand next to them and press the "A" button?

Also, why would anyone want you in their life? What value do YOU bring? What are you good at? What do you have an intense passion for that you work toward every day? WHY ARE YOU AWESOME? What can you do that would benefit other people in any way? And don't give me some bullshit shallow answer like "money."

I think Chief has some very sound advice. In fact, I never thought about it like that, so I'm going to take those nuggets of wisdom for myself.

My advice may sound weird, but you should try pick-up techniques on dudes (no homo). Not for anything romantic, of course, but things such as openers, forming a connection, and number closing.

Some of the same things apply. You can't seem needy and you have to establish frame. Men, we are very territorial, so some dudes may be suspicious as to what your intentions are. They may wonder "Is this dude gay?" "Is he just trying to hang out to take the chicks I'm talking to?" "Does this dude just need a ride? Why is he talking to me?" This is how forming a connection comes into play and, as Chief said, you may establish that you bring some sort of value to them.

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"You ain't accustomed of going through customs. You ain't been nowhere, huh?"

Getting the sense you're sitting on idle expecting the world to come to you. Time for a paradigm shift. Nothing ever worth having came easy. Stick your neck out there a bit! Take the initiative, approach others, spark up convo with that person on the bus, wherever it doesn't matter. Social skills are much like a muscle, the more you work them the stronger they become. Initially you'll feel like a fish out of water as its something new, something different but embrace that feeling. Sure no matter what there'll always be some who don't take to you too well, but they won't be even so much as a distant memory for all the cool new people you meet who want to be in your life.

I agree with Chief's points, and also Mr_International:

Flirt with everyone, man... old ladies, ugly chicks, hot chicks, midgets... everyone. Just try to show a genuine interest - because as Chief said: people can actually be kind of interesting (granted, they aren't all interesting)...

Just talk, and get used to talking. Be a friendly guy. People like friendly guys.

Be genuinely curious in the lives of other people. The classic way that I start up a conversation with everyone is : "Hey, how's your day going?"

From there, you dive deeper and deeper. You can learn about their job, their hobbies, their relationship status, etc.

When you feel good about yourself and the future, people can tell. They start sharing shit about their personal lives without you prompting.

But a key here for you I think is regularity: As in, join some groups where you're going to be seeing the same girls/guys over an extended period of time. Try the website called 'meetup'. If you think back to how you met your friends when you were in school, this is how; you saw them every single day and you naturally became friends.

Ah, I feel it for you, man... I also had a bad phase back in uni, and I know how much loneliness can erode your ability to function.

Every single post in this thread is focused on how you improve your relationship with the people you already "have in your life", and I agree... That being said, if I was you, I would explore new sources of people as well.
- Where do you live? Find a nice apartment with awesome SPAM, brah!
- You going to uni? Join some societies or sports team! There you go! Periodic socials and meet ups to get you back into "social mode" and have some fun!
- Socially retarded because of all that loneliness? No problem, the internet's got your back! Start small, use Tinder! Once you have banged a couple of girls, your coinfidence will start rising again!
- Consider resetting your life. A total change of environment. Back in the day, I had stalled my life for a variety of reasons. So what I did was find an internship for six months, take a one semester break off uni and... Well, this. New city, new life, new people. Plus it's hard to be overly lonely with a job and gym and hobbies and stuff keeping you busy. Personally, I came back as a new person and got my life back together.

Oh yeah, another thing: When you are lonely, time can seem to pass by slowly. Very slowly. And that can make you depressed and even less social. Some tips to fill your leisure time:
- TV series and movies
- Books
- Gym (good thing you are doing this already)
- Sports (as I said above, they can help you make friends. Doesn't even have to be a team sport if you don't want to. Think of stuff like kickboxing, surfing, tennis, whatever. The possibilities are endless).
- Smoking weed (not every day. But do it once a week or something, and it will feel like a day of sunshine).
- Video games (yeah, I don't givea shit it's not social. It's FUN and passes time. And that is what I am assuming here; that a result of your loneliness, you have time to kill. Just don't get too caught up in them).
- Meditation (do it once a day for 10 mins or so. Trust me, it will help you master your own emotions).
- The internet

Learn to be OK with being on your own. Seriously, if you know how to handle it, it ain't that bad. Of course, I am not saying you should become a social recluse... But I am saying is that, once you realize that being alone is not the end of thing or that bad, you will immediatly feel less lonely and bad. That being said... Make it your goal to make a person a day smile. Go out there, be awesome and explore what people have to offer. You can make it, bro.

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Thanks you guys all for your advice I really Appreciate it!!

Chief I guess most my conversations are Pointless talk but I do not know how to show genuine interest. What do I say? How do I show it? I am aware that people have interesting stories, many people in my uni and gym are interesting but I do not know how to capitalize on it and use it in conversation, dig deeper, relate or connect to people?

I am not awesome at anything, I do not believe that I have value or anything that I can give to people. So there is no sport or activities that I am really good at. So basically i have no idea why someone would want to be my friend. I can say I am passionate about martial arts but I been only doing it for 6 months.

And for getting to know people more. I been talking to people in uni and gym a lot if the time
And I know their work, hobbies but still nothing happens outside of gym, uni or when I was in high school. They alawys go out and I never get invited. We just talk when we see each other At gym or uni.

And when I talk to people i know sometimes they do not give me attention and cut me off, so at times I start speaking and they just walk away, or start talking to someone else like I was not even talking.

Bounce I would get an apartment but I can not afford it, and my uni has no clubs or societies at all, I might change it next year though. I already go to mma club everyday but I still feel isolated and ignored, this even makes it harder to go there, cause you start having this negative emotions. But I am doing the tv, books, gym and sports to waste time.

Before trying to show genuine interest, you first gotta make sure that you're actually genuinely interested. You know, like on the inside. That makes it a hell of a lot easier to show it.

Next you gotta know how to ask the right kinds of questions. For example, Yes/No questions won't really get you far.

Here's an article about conversations that highlights what I'm talking about: https://www.linkedin.com/today/post/art ... versations

Also, you could stand to benefit a lot from my Seductive Introvert program, especially my conversation mastery course inside of it. I highly recommend you check it out. This is huge.

You need to start woodsheddin' something. Get good at shit. BECOME awesome.

You've been doing martial arts for 6 months? That's a great fucking start and you should be proud of yourself for developing a passion for it. It counts. Don't sell yourself short. Even if it's been only 6 months, in those 6 months you have worked hard to better yourself. In those 6 months you experienced and learned things you have never experienced and learned before. You've become both stronger and wiser as a result. Look at yourself 6 months ago and look at yourself now. Who's more awesome?

That's right, yourself now. 6 months from now, you're gonna be even more awesome. You just gotta get in that daily practice. Not just in martial arts, but in all aspects of your life.

Committing to the process of becoming awesome already makes you awesome as long as you don't give up everything like a sack of shit. Give yourself some more credit.

You are motivated. People around you can feed off of that motivation and passion. That means you are of value to other people.

And that's just one thing. You could probably provide way more value than with just that. Sit down and brainstorm.

Hey Pun,

I think this is a clear case of you just not understanding your value and because you don't understand you value you have a difficult time communicating that value to others. People like people that know their worth and contribute their worth. If you've ever worked at a job or been to a school with a teacher that is real easy going and extra nice you'll be able to see how easily people take advantage of them. People that don't know their value are often under appreciated and if you aren't being appreciated or even sub communicating to others why they should appreciate you how can you expect them to want to be around you?

I think you have to ask yourself what it is that you have to offer to others. And when you make a list of those things you have to attribute value to them. People want to be around people who have VALUE.

Now I also understand that it can be a task to make friends after high school is already over. And that is a task that you most certainly can handle. When you're looking to make friends with guys, bring something to the table. When I was your age I had a solid network of friends and the only guys that were able to get through to me outside of that circles were the guys that offered something.

For example: a guy would walk up to me after class and say " Hey man, you free after this? How about we hit the cafe on me. I want to show you something"

A guy that did that communicates to me that he has value and also communicates that he understands my value because he isn't trying to enter my life to take. He's entering my life with the intention on giving right from the start. And who doesn't want to become friends with someone who doesn't mind sharing with their fellow mates. Thats what friendships are all about man. There gives and takes. All done subconsciously. I make him laugh - he hooks me up with chicks. I share my ideas with him - he gives me a place to crash while drunk on the weekends. Those aren't the best examples but i am sure you get where I am going.

And let me also add in that if I thought my ideas were useless; I would talk about them in a useless way and no one would see them as being valuable. So me sharing the ideas that I deem useless would have worthless in a friendship. But because I see my ideas, my jokes, my company etc. as being important. People want to share in that.

I think you get it man. Start giving bro. You'll get back. Go into interactions with the intention to give. Let the receiving happen on its own. With enough diligence you will be recognized and naturally promoted socially.

You have to work at it though man. Its just like building a house. The more bricks a day you lay the faster it will be built. And you currently need a social house. So hit the bricks.

Peace & Love

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