Here's a brief story of my life so you can get a grip about me and my situation...

First of all, i want to salute everyone. My name is Cristian, i'm 28 and i'm from Europe... Here's my life in a nutshell and how i managed to write here out of pure desperation..
I was shy and introverted since the first years in school, a loner, had few friends because i was weird-acting and shy i didn't get much friends either in highschool. I developed a somewhat anxiety around people ( nervous to talk to basically anyone )

After i finished highschool i realized i need to change myself and committed to that.

i had my first girlfriend right after i finished highschool ( i didn't loose my virginity to her, i was way too shy plus i had all sorts of fears and unknowns about how to actually have sex ), after a while she dumped me because we were doing the same things and the relationship didn't move on in anyway.

I continued my transformation so in college i basically forced reinventing myself and be another person than i was in highschool, a cooler one, i absorbed all kind of information from the pua articles, ebooks, video seminars etc and i got to a point where i had some colleagues from the college appreciate me, go out ( not a lot, but i did ), girls noticed me and nobody would ever thought i was a virgin...

Then i got a crush on one girl for which i feel really bad, and i mean really bad...
She was really beautiful, but she was a completely different level for me. I went out with her 2 times and then i kept dreaming about me and her together for about all college years. It turned out she was a bouncer in a club.
Meanwhile, there were other girls showing interest in me, decent looking, one even really good looking but quite rich so i figured out it was pointless to date her since she's also at another level and i had no dating experience, didn't know where to take her, still was virgin etc .
As i saw that ONEITS wasn't interested in me i began falling into depression. And falling deeper and deeper to the point of basically crying the shit out of me night after night for months. In the last year of college i dated another girl who turned out she was just trying to be nice to me since she wasn't into me and wanted just to be friends. Frustration cummulated.

I got into the masters degree. Also here girls noticing me, i went more at the gym so i got a nice body, went to tanning beds, bought more clothes etc. There was this one girl, a very ambitious one ( she even wrote a book now ), decent looking with whom i got out with, just as friends, but it seems she liked me more than that. She was trying to get my attention, told me i'm a special and different guy etc and one day after going to the mall we went to her apartment ( she had an apartment too ) to watch a movie. I felt she wanted to have sex and i panicked since she probably thought i was experienced so i just refused her. I decided not to go out with her anymore and she eventually didn't call me or even talk to me.

That's when i was about 24 btw. Didn't have a single job until then, no nothing. I finished the master's degree. It was starting to bother me seeing all my colleagues getting things done in their lifes while i was doing nothing but sit back on my chair playing pc games and reading ebooks.

About 2 years ago i got my first job with a little "help" from my dad knowing the boss. First, i wasn't really comfortable staying with these people 8 hours a day and i was quite revolted at the boss and his demands even if it was quite a easy job. Then i actually enjoyed it and felt like i had some purpose and made friends with my colleagues.
I attended one of my female colleagues wedding where i met a girl who told my colleague she liked how i look and insisted about me. This happened about a year ago. The girl turned out to have some ex emotional baggage. I went out with her for a couple of weeks, went clubbing, had fun with her friends, basically enjoyed my time with her and do things new to me. And got to the second base in her apartment. Then i noticed she had ex-issues, more specifically her ex treated her like a princess and told me straight to my face this expectation and that she's still hung up on him. After a month she broke up with me.

Meanwhile, at my job I started not giving a single fuck and couldn't concentrate on my work until the boss said he wasn't content about my activity. He offered me a good job in other place at a friend of his. I refused it with my mind concentrating on this girl and the fact that again, there's something wrong happening, i won't ever loose virginity, i'm growing older and not making anything out of life etc. Basically the past continuously fucking up my brain. Out of incompetence and a (stupid) pride i told my boss i want to quit. This happened at the beginning of this year.
On the other side, i continued bombarding this spoiled girl with messages about how much i love her and see us together, i bought her a huge bucket of flowers and told her i can be better than her ex and i really love her etc. Of course, she rejected me even more until she just told me she doesn't want to speak to me anymore.

With this and the just lost job, the next weeks were a total horror. I was just turning 28 and I sat at my computer all day long and popping one Xanax pill after other. I was contemplating suicide and I even wrote a letter on my pc to my parents telling them i'm sorry for doing this and thanking them for everything they've done to me.

I forced myself to get up and go out and talk to a former colleague i was at the company. He told me to attend an event for the company he's working. And so i went. Here i met a beautiful woman, of 35 ( now 36 ) presenting the event. She really liked me and we began dating ( from Feb to about a month ago ). It was absolutely amazing, i couldn't believe myself. I tried to make up for all the things i didn't do in my life and went everywhere with her. She's really good paid, has a nice apartment, car, she's basically accomplished. She doesn't have kids, nor was married before. I felt like the Universe just has put her in front of me exactly at the right time...

We reached to a point where she told me i was her soul-mate BUT, and here's the big but, we hadn't had sex until about 2 months ago. She probably took it personally since we hadn't have sex for all this time, only 3 handjobs. She really wanted sex and told me it's important for her but everytime i tried to have sex with her, i was so anxious, it went limp. It happened once, twice, i even took Cialis and didn't work. It was a disaster, all the pressure of the past and her expectations were basically destroying me mentally.

After her birthday, in september, it actually happened and had sex. Finally did it. But other issues were on the way...

She's looking to get married as soon as possible and to have kids and she saw in me a guy, even though she really likes, still not able to handle myself and be useful in many things like: cooking, ironing my shirts, helping her fix stuff in the house ( stuff she says a man needs to know and it's really important for her ) which i basically had already done by my parents. All this time i dated her and concentrated only on her and didn't have a job ( didn't tell her either btw since i didn't want to embarrass myself ).

She finally decided not to date me or even speak to me anymore since she doesn't see me too soon "growing up" and being prepared for marriage, she even told me i haven't done anything until 28 and she doesn't want to see me anymore. This happened about 2 weeks ago.

This was the best period of my life, i got over the virginity thing and i really, really care for her but i'm not ready to get married either or have kids. Not now. I can't believe i finally met someone with whom i feel so good, i had sex, i stayed with her for days at her house learning to live with someone and got used to on so many levels and now she says it's over and she even told me i need to find a younger girl, with whom to grow up and get along with my life and leave her alone to have a family as soon as possible.

It was a disaster...

What happened in February is little compared to how i feel now, since that girl actually had no meaning and it was a merely desperate attempt... but this one actually changed my life. I can't eat, sleep, i throw up, i'm tired to tell my few friends how i feel. It's been months since i didn't get to gym too. I increased Xanax at a bigger dose but it doesn't seem to help anymore. I lost my love, my job, the entourage from my job, all the gains from the gym and basically i'm tired of everything especially of my fucked up past from which i have so many regrets.
It's like a downward spiral. I keep wondering how it would have been if i was actually having a good job now, like all my college friends have, my own apartment and of course, if i would have married this great woman and be the man she deserves to be with.
This is basically my life in a nutshell. I don't see a solution, i'm just totally tired to do anything. I'm thinking to end it all so i wont feel anything anymore and i actually imaged to throw myself in front of the metro subway.

I wrote this out of pure desperation. Thank you for anyone who had the patience to read it until the end.

Life will get better. You know your flaws and you see the mistakes. You have to fix them, this is going to be the hardest part of your life it may take a few months to a few years. This is something no women can fix for you. You must fix it for youself. Go out even if you don't want to anymore. Don't get in a relationship with some to make you feel better about your life. your last older women told and showed you how to live. Now go Live your life!! stop moping on your computer and contemplating suicide. I've been there done that. Lucky the wire broke and i immideatly regreted my decision when i did. You need to go out find new friends. "Pain is temporary, it may last minute An hour or a day or even a year. If i quit however, it will last for ever." -Eric Thomas. If you see this through and push out and fight this feelings no matter how tough or impossible it feels you will get through this. And stop caring and comparing about other people. You should focus on yourself and how your doing. Expectations will only lead to your downfall. This girl was your world i understand but, you need to know that no matter what everyone else thinks. you are a great person even if you don't think so. Get through this man. And take control don't let your past failures get the best of you. Failure is a sign of growth. "A master has failed more times than beginner has ever tried." -Forgot lol

Live life Be happy and things will go your way. Just give life another chance. Go to the gym again. Eat healthy, make new friends and pimp girls get your career back. Enjoy living Your void will not last forever. have fun man. Can't wait to hear your progress.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-jwWYX7Jlo

It not over until you WIN!!!!

This is the wrong place for you to get advice on what to do about the issues you have. You need to see a counselor, therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. There's no shame in it and they are trained to help you get through the issues you are having.

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mpuaforum.proboards.com

Guys, first of all, thanks for your patience to read and the answers. The things is, i actually have a friend who's a shrink and i recently talked to him. I even have read psychology books in order to understand myself and how i could cope with my life and the way i am but for some reason i visualize the whole questioning and therapy and i already know what he'll ask me and what he'll recommend to me and it doesn't work...

I can't let go of all the regrets from my past, of all the things i should have done and didn't and now this woman just came in the exact right time in my life but she wants kids and marriage and i can't do it... i want to do it, i really want to from all my heart with her but it can't happen so soon, next year like she wants. I also understand that her biological clock is ticking and she wants it but how am i supposed to give up on such a great woman, a woman who helped me progress a bit and took me out of this misery i created with my life?
It's overwhelming, i also have panic attacks and i'm quickly drowning. I'm so angry for how i treated my life, for the lack of accomplishments, for the fact that everyone else is moving forward so fast and i got stuck in this, i don't even know how to call it, "adolescence stage"? Because i'm basically still a teenager mentally, it's like the things that should have happened like loosing virginity at, let's say 18 years, happened now at 28 or getting a job happened much later than others and everything happens much later than other people did it?
I feel like i'm simply an error of the universe, a cruel joke of some sort. I don't have the strength to do anything again and neither people to hang out with since everyone basically has different groups of friends or even families and the worst is i can't get her out of my mind and the way she entered my life..

I was also shy and quiet in high school. I didn't have many friends either. I felt like an outcast. I think I had two girlfriends, but they didn't last long and I didn't have sex with them either. I had another short relationship while in college. I was 22 and she was the first girl I had sex with, but after we split up I became a born-again virgin for the rest of my 20s. I did go out with a few girls, but I had no idea of how dating was supposed to work and the one time I did try to have sex with someone, my dick went limp. I know I passed up countless opportunities for sex after that because of my insecurities. I even passed up a threesome with two girls!

At 30 I met a woman. She made me feel relaxed and I didn't have any problems having sex with her. I ended up moving to her country and living together in a tiny 27 square meter apartment. I had a hard time finding a job and making friends. I still hadn't had proper dating experience and I had no idea of what women find attractive and look for in a man. I didn't know how male and female energies are supposed to interact. She said I was childish. She treated me like shit, was jealous and cheated on me for many months before finally admitting it and basically forcing me out of her apartment. This was a little over a year ago and at this time last year I was going through the darkest times of my life.

I think you can see that there are a lot of similarities between our stories. I wanted you to understand that you're not alone and that a lot of us experience this type of pain, anguish and yes also suicidal thoughts. And finally YES there is hope! I know it's not easy but you have to see what happened to you in a positive light. You need to see that it happened for a reason and it couldn't have happened any other way. A blessing in disguise, a LEARNING OPPORTUNITY. It's time for you to take all these emotions you're feeling and focus them on figuring out what you need to do in order to progress in your life.

Before I met my ex my dating life was basically flat. Now it's a roller-coaster of ups and downs. I have figured a lot of things out and I'm making a hell of a progress with women. I've been on countless dates, had sex with 5 different girls this year (still get the occasional limp dick, but not letting it keep me from at least trying) and been in a couple of short relationships. Ups and downs, like I said. I feel like the man when I get with a girl I really fancy, but I feel like complete shit when I lose her. But I retain this philosophy of learning and growing. I just lost a girl I was really, really interested in. I thought she was the love of my life, you know, typical AFC bullshit. I was really discouraged for a couple of weeks, but now I'm getting over it already. I know why I lost her and I won't repeat my mistakes. I've already changed. I've gone out the last two weekends and it seems women are starting to notice my higher-value (more self-respect, more present in the moment, more daring) and things are starting to happen. I'm barely having to try. It feels awesome. I am so different from how I was before I met my ex and I doubt I would have evolved this way if it wasn't for that painful experience.

As I said my advice to you is to learn and grow from the pain. It can be turned into something positive, there is no doubt about it. It's up to you. Keep reading these forums and other PUA material. Yes there is a lot of bullshit, but I trust you will figure out what works for you and what you should discard. I would also recommend a book called "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida. I can send you the PDF if you PM me. I've just started reading another book called "King Warrior Magician Lover" by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette. What I like about these books is that they're not only concentrating on pickup and women. There is a lot of knowledge about what it means to be a man in all aspects of life. Pickup material has helped me a lot with women, but I'm still failing a lot because the rest of my life is not in order yet. It's up to you what you want to concentrate on first. Just know that you're still going to fail a lot and you're going to feel overwhelmed and possibly suicidal again. There will be ups and downs. LEARN AND GROW. You don't know the power you have inside you.

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What would James Bond do?

That's truly unbelievable how similar are our stories... I'm trying to write everything i can to make an X-ray of me:

- i am a pale individual and i mean really pale like Nicole Kidman for example. That plus being shy, awkward and a weird hairstyle made me the joke of my colleagues way until highschool. I didn't really understand what exactly was wrong with me and didn't care about the way i look. I had people even stare at me on the streets. I realized that during highschool and began somewhat improving, but still wasn't enough. I was still socially awkward, feeling emotional talking to anyone or going somewhere with people

- the final year in highschool i began going to the gym, dressing better and absorbing all kinds of information from DeAngelo, Style, Mystery and other pick-up artists. I read tones of books, watched seminars etc BUT didn't actually do anything to put in practice those information. That only kept me in a day-dreaming-like state of mind basically all the time.
This is another problem i have which keeps me from achieving ANY objectives, i am a day-dreamer - i want to do something but instead i imagine doing it and its finality and then i simply have 0 motivation to do it.

- during college years i forced myself to emulate a "bad-boy" attitude which actually worked somehow and made me friends and girls definitely started looking at me. Going to the gym helped a lot too, plus the tanning, plus i got one ear pierced... i basically transformed myself even though i wasn't feeling congruent on the inside with the changes from the outside. This worked until i feel deeply in love with that girl i chased for almost all college years. I tried even harder improving the way i look - i even bought some green contact lenses, made my hair blonde, etc. All these things plus the huge neediness about that girl actually worked against the "bad-boy" image i was trying to project, people started noticing, i began collapsing

- i didn't date any other girls who might have been interested in me during this time also because i was simply 1) virgin 2) i didn't know what to do at the date 3) not getting out in the city made me simply not know where to go, where are the malls, clubs, parks etc PLUS i was simply IMAGINING that i was doing great and girls liked me ( basically again daydreaming ) and not doing anything, i was basically content with that state of mind

- i developed an attention-deficit problem. Because of the social anxiety i have, i find it hard to concentrate on tasks or even listen to people without quickly forgetting most details. I tried to take some Piracetam + choline sources like 2 eggs per day but without significant help

- the recent period of time ( the last 2-3 years ), having the job made me feel strange first time, annoyed even revolted against the boss and the fact that i got out of the "comfort zone" i guess? BUT, as time passed i became attached to the people i worked with, made friends and actually enjoyed the whole experience. Nobody imagined there how i was on the inside, with all the changes i made i actually got compliments for the way i look. Imagine transitioning from someone who got starred at on the streets to someone getting compliments for the looks and that didn't happen only at work. But i was never congruent on the inside with the outside, there were too many things, insecurities, the whole past, which didn't let me

- this woman i recently met, i experienced A TON of things with her, things i hadn't had access to- like - going out a lot, clubbing, seeing a lot of places, staying with her at her house and basically experiencing what it's like to live with someone AND having sex after all the attempts which made her even wonder my sexuality or if i don't find her attractive! You can imagine how anxious i was to have sex with her but couldn't do it even with Cialis. Finally having sex with her made me even more attached, hence, desperate to be with her. I even wrote her poems ( she did respond me back ), made her a sketch portrait!
Her age, the fact that she's good looking, she appreciated me and liked me genuinely for both looks and personality, that she has a great salary and a great job made me highly insecure around her like i was wondering - why the hell is she even looking at me? I DEEPLY want a relationship with her but the marriage pressure is really big and i don't know how to take it.. The way she made me feel, all the things we've done, the sex, the whole experience with her is like a drug

- My current situation: i am currently staying home, playing Skyrim, reading economics and intelligence books ( i became somehow obsessed with reading and assimilating knowledge so i can be as prepared as possible ), watching tv shows and History Channel, not going at the gym for over 4 months

So do you want to remain this way for the rest of your life and daydream about your ex or do you want to have even better experiences? Get off the couch, push yourself out of your comfort zone! It will get easier the more you do it. Who else has got the balls to approach random women on the street? I promise you, most of them will be nice even if they reject you. Do you know how many times I've done approaches that I knew were horrible, but the woman expressed her respect for me just for having the courage to approach her? But who cares what other people think anyway? Fucking GO OUT AND DO IT! Start from 0! You can only get better.

There's nothing more I can tell you. It's up to you.

You know where I came from. I have changed so much in less than a year. You can do it too!

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What would James Bond do?

Check this out bro:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xjULgwweVU

(How do I embed videos here?)

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What would James Bond do?

Hey dude, i feel your pain as i was there before, and even though iv been doing it so long, and I am incredibly consistent, even approaching still tickles my tummy.

Remember that EVERYTHING and every aspect of interacting girls, comes down to how you see the situations, and how you feel about what your doing.

Here is a little inspirational video i made for students and other randomers contacting me, aimed at re-framing your beliefs around even approach anxiety which you can adapt to everything. See the beauty in what you are doing dude.

My mindset is I am always one interaction away from a life changing experience...and it always prove itself true

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjDrZOd ... Hr7W-y2xlQ

Chris

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