Hello,

Little short back story here. Me and my current girlfriend have been dating for 4 and a half years. The last 2 months of our relationship however, I have been extremely insecure. Asking who she is texting, if it's one of her guy friends, I flip a lid and ask what they're talking about, if she doesn't txt or talk to me often enough in the day, I call her or txt her and tell her to talk more. I'm a mess and can't let it continue, because I have never been like this before.

This all happened because of something I did. I cheated on her about 4 months ago. It was the worst mistake of my life, especially when I had an amazing and gorgeous woman already. Well, after much making up to her, she forgave me and she even has been telling me she loves me again. This doesn't change the fact that now... Since I cheated on her... I am super insecure about her now that I have won her back.

I need to mention that me and her are recently in a somewhat of a long distance relationship because I am in the military and live about 6 hours away. Try to visit often though.

How do I get over these massive insecurities that I've never had before, and what do I say to her or do so that I Dont come across insecure? Insecurity is so unattractive. Please help.

Is she the type to be vindictive?

If she's going to cheat on you to get even, she likely already has.

I'm surprised she'd take you back so easily and still keep up with I love you's... So that's why I say she's probably already done it (if she were to do it). She'd consider you guys even.

I'm not saying she did...

Anyway, you're obviously freaked out about exactly what I mentioned... a revenge fuck. You gotta own that man. You fucked someone else, and she forgave you (for whatever reason). If she did the same would you forgive her? I'm guessing not, based on the fact you're so fucked up about this.

Get your emotions in check. Realize this is YOUR problem, not hers... She can text who she wants, man. Doesn't mean she's fucking the person on the other end.

If she's going to do it, she's going to do it. Particularly with the distance between you guys. I would suggest that if she WERE going to do it, she wouldn't be setting it up via text right in front of you... so chill out.

The more you react to her and spew jealousy and control, the more you will drive her away. It's like struggling in quicksand... you just sink faster.

Well, she is definitely not a vandictive person. She has said to me before that "you're just insecure that I will do the same thing back to you, but I would never put someone through that". So she's told me straight to my face she never would do that to me because "she isn't a cheater".

Doesn't really sound like she forgave you then...

Anyway, my advice still holds.

Do some focusing meditation.

It'll definitely help curb your frustrations and respond more cooly to things.


http://www.focusing.org/sixsteps.html

I can tell you've invested heavily in this girl, even more so because you fucked up. Don't worry, I was guilty of this exact same offense as well a while ago. I think you depend on her for your emotional validation and fulfilling all your needs, which is completely unhealthy.

I want to ask:

1. How is business/work? Got a job? Pay well? Any future goals? (Car/house, etc.)

2. How is your social life? Friends? Hang out a lot?

3. You hitting the gym?

4. Do you live life in a way that she looks up to you? Feels inspired by you? Do others look up to you? Do you feel proud?

5. Do you flirt with other girls? If this relationship were to end, would you be able to get an equally feminine, equally beautiful, and equally loving girlfriend quickly?

The answer to your question, is inherent in what I am asking you. You have been driving her away, it's not about her at all, it's all about you. Insecurity is the greatest killer out there. Never be afraid of losing her.

Remember, she is expendable. Everyone is, including yourself, so stop making yourself less expendable and make your life better.

She knows why you're acting that way and she assured you she isn't the kind of person that would cheat so you have to trust her. I know some girls are capable of forgiving infidelity without them having to take vengeance. If your gf have strong morals or ideals about herself she will not sleep around just for revenge because she's better than that.

There's a possibility though that she's punishing you a little as payback, not by cheating, but by texting a friend. There's also the possibility that even though she forgave you she can't be the same as she was before. She's hurt and can't be so dependent on you. These are just possibilities.

In any case there's nothing you can do but trust her. If things go bad and she meet someone there's nothing you can do about it. That's a risk that come with any relationship even if you don't mess up. Try to be the best bf you can be from now on. I hope you guys can make it. Good luck.

Learn to be present. So long as you engage in this dialogue/narrative in your head "I do not deserve this person", it will in fact become a self fulfilling prophecy as your insecurities will indeed drive her away.

Work on yourself, engage in some form of meditation. My preference is the Focusing technique by Gendlin (search for it, use it make it your daily thing).

This is all about self-acceptance more than anything else. You're human, as such you're an infallible being and will from time to time mess up. So long as you learn from life's lessons nothings lost, and in fact there's everything to gain.

well at least you understand why you feel that way.
when someone is a cheater they always accuse the other person because they know what they did was wrong.
we will never be able to keep the attraction we have at the beginning of a relationship every single minute of our life, not matter how attractive we are. it is possible to get it back but its not possible to keep it the whole time.

thats important to learn. we create something that might not feel as attractive as in the beginning but we appreciate it for what it is. maybe they become our best friend. what you need to do is to stop accusing her for what you did. and you have to know that the more you show that you cant trust her the more she will stop trusting you. if she wants to cheat she will. like any other person. stalking her isnt gonna solve anything. learn that you cant control anyone but yourself. so start working on that.

i've felt this before. and i didnt cheat. but its a horrible feeling to be so insecure that you cant trust the person you care for. remember that she took you back for a reason. dont make her think twice about it.