| Tuesday, August 12, 2014
I talked to pFAc on the phone today while sober. Goddamn, I'm so much smarter and in control when I'm not tossed. Alcohol seriously takes one of the brightest motherfuckers everyone has ever met in his/her life and turns him into a jackass. We discussed everything, and shit seemed like it was a'ight again. But seriously, come on now, after something that bad, and after the shit that pFAc said and I said, you think everything would be the same even if we tried to "make it work"? Fuck. That. "Making it work" is for pussies anyway, and AFCs. Keep that in mind, homies. Keep that in mind.
There comes a time in most relationships where both partners can just tell shit's going south. They may not even be able to put it into words, but they can just feel it. Well, from my own experiences, that downhill slope has always started after an argument or two. Once partners get comfortable, and that puppy love phase has worn off, yup, there it goes. You bicker over anything and everything that involves jealousy, and you get so used to that person that everything just annoys you about 'em.
It's funny because, for once, I've actually been good in this shit. In my past relationships (before I became anti-relationship obviously), I always fucked around on the side. Gah, in my last semi-relationship, I even cheated on mami with 19 different girls! And that was way, way before I acquired a somewhat mature level of game. God knows what I'd be capable of doing now. But I've actually wanted to experiment with this one (since we're married and all) and see what would happen if I were actually good and faithful.
Well, it appears as if this will be the result of this experiment, and it's not a good one either, players: regardless of being dirty and unfaithful or good and faithful, seems to make no difference. Them girls still gon' freak out over sumthin', and you gotta be careful when that happens. To quote Pac, it seems to be better avoiding that shit altogether: "It's a dirty game, y'all. Y'all got to be careful who you fuck with and who you don't fuck with 'cause the shit get wild, y'all. Keep your mind on your riches, baby. Keep your mind on your riches." In this case, our "riches" is our game. I'm seeing that you may never, seriously never be able to stray too far from or abandon game. It is to those lucky few who discover it another essential factor of a healthy life.
Anyway I wanted to get out under the pretense that I have become strong enough yet to put away feelings of guilt and commit the dirty deed. So I met up with Enso, or, rather, Enso scooped me from the hotel because I was once again too fucked to drive. We hit what once was our regular part of town, the college area where we reached our pinnacle sometime around March or April this year and where we haven't been in such a long time. I missed being there again, and shit reminded me of all the game I had earlier this year...before the goddamn trip led me into what I've become today. Fuck could I have been so stupid to ever go on a trip around the perimeter of the third, maybe fourth largest nation in the world with only one girl (or two in this instance since there was that brief switch up of girls back in Detroit)? God, I got lucky this shit didn't occur with Girl I Used to Be In a Club With. Had she have finished off the trip with me... Or maybe I didn't get so lucky. Maybe I was actually unlucky I didn't finish with her. She wasn't as affectionate as pFAc. I fucked with her from day one, meaning I was as sarcastic, open about game and seeing other girls, and careless as possible. pFAc, I was careless with, yeah, but I never was sarcastic until I got used to her, and I never, not even completely to this day, was open about my past flings with sluts and hoochies. God, FUCK!, I was unlucky! I never would have entertained the stupid idea of getting hitched with Girl I Used to Be In a Club With nor would she have ever gone along with it. pFAc unfortunately is either too adventurous or too in love with the god to have said no. I should have monitored that shit better from day one when pFAc joined me in Detroit. I should have subtly requested that she not rest her head on my arm as I drove, that she not hold my hand. I should have stuck with the idea more of being embarrassed to be seen in public with her because of--well, you know.
But then again, what the fuck am I saying? I still am that same dude. I still am that fucking boss player we all were once proud to read and whom we all admired (even if we didn't admit it). I'm just caught up in something right now that, frankly, is out of my control. Shit is fixable no doubt, and when shit gets fixed, I'll be back no doubt.
But until then I don't know what exactly I'll be. I know what I was tonight. That's for damn sure. Enso and I posted up on the patio of our old pregame bar/restaurant. I was fucking tossed, and I asked him many times if I've fallen off to which he replied every time, "Yes." I don't know if he was serious or not as dude always fucks around, but I could easily see how he could have been. I talked and talked about pFAc I felt, explaining all the shit that's happened the past few days. He had little remorse as to what I should do to her on a night out as such, but I consistently told him I couldn't. He took my phone when she called or texted and took out the battery so that I couldn't respond. I told him I wanted to call her because I needed something to fuck at the end of the night, and because I needed something to cuddle. My GOD!
He finally gave it back after my pleas. There was a cute two set sitting at the table next to us. He joined them and asked their opinion on something related to marriage. I couldn't discern what because I was too fucked up, but I flashed my ring so it was something related to me. I joined the three of them. Enso and I talked to the girls. I think we could have n-closed for sure, probably even Ked, but I was too "good" to try, and then I bounced from the patio when pFAc called.
Of course what did cute, little, harmless pFAc do when I answered and told her I wasn't at the hotel yet? She yelled her fucking head off, refused to pick me up, and threatened to leave to go home. Enso came out after a minute and said he number-closed the girl I was preferring to target. I asked if he'd give me a ride back, but he said I was on my own. I don't blame him whatsoever for refusing. It was not his place at all to sponsor my fucked up marriage. In fact, it was pretty fucked up on my behalf when I got into a cab and took out, leaving the dude to himself. Not that he couldn't handle it or anything, but I see that I've abandoned my homies and replaced them with my wife. Unacceptable.
I got back to the hotel. pFAc said she had left, then came back. We went up to the room and chilled. Didn't really do much. Just cuddled and ended up tapping it out. Whatevers.
Overall day: gah.
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