After enjoying weeks of time without going into chat here I stumble into the room and a few minutes in some jackass is doing is "alpha" bullshit routine trying to be extreme dominant and cocky and such and just came off as a complete ass. I thought . o O ( I could've been playing GTA online... sigh gotta make better decisions in life)

Seriously people in this place act like douches 24/7 and it's irritating.
Girls at like bitches with extremely high demands 24/7 and it's frustrating.

Why fucking bother with any of this shit. Girls don't like me, oh the fuck well, there's other things in life, like GTA V or porn. People here tend to make you feel worse than you already did about being single and not getting laid as much as you'd like or not finding that special relationship. Girls on dating sites put tons of pressure on what you should say to them and act extra fucking demanding.

Fuck all of that bullshit, back in high school I was content playing video games and sports and not speaking to people unless they talked to me first. Fuck people I'm going back to being Asocial... People suck.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Last night was yet another of many within a series of mental and emotional breakdowns. Blah blah blah girls don't like me I fucked up and I'm back to being alone with no prospects... Sound familiar? If so, congrats you've been reading my blog [I must admit it's been getting kinda repetitive and boring recently... ].

So, let's see where I'm at right now.
Left pizza papalis [cause getting cussed out everyday sucked]. Hell if I mentioned it or not. Went to work at Sonic drive in, no attractive employee's there and eventually I no longer had a ride to work so I left there... meh. Got to such an emotionally low point I smoked rather hardcore street drugs with a friend and had one of those what the fuck am I doing moments.

Ah, then there was that point where I figured I could vocalize how I feel saying that it's not that I don't care as much as the reward to risk ratio isn't worth it nor is the reward to effort ratio thus I see little point in trying i.e. it's completely hopeless.


So I was going through where that train of thought usually ends up at. You know, life isn't currently enjoyable and you are currently unhappy. You feel like anything you do to change this is ultimately irrelevant and wont work anyway. You're usually upset and depressed and generally more often than no your life is torturous suffering from your... I'm sure you get it. You're smart right? What would the only logical option be for something doomed to fail... Yeah, suicide.

So, here I am again thinking . o O ( I get paid next week I think and I'm sure I could find an assload of vicadin and down a shit ton of vodka with that and "take a nap". A very long nap. ). Also I figure if I'm going to bail out of life like that why not ask every girl in my phone to fuck me. One of em might say yes... I doubt it. Depressingly only 3 even responded or gave a shit that I was upset and hurt and going to kill myself. 3 out of maybe 20 or so... I don't fucking know. None of them were interested in me in that way but only 3 gave a shit if I died... I guess it was more than I'd expected in the first place.

So I'm thinking to myself . o O ( I'm probably not even going to go through with it. I just don't really... I don't even know, I think life sucks ass and I want it to be over cause I'm tired of being so fucked up and lonely and broken and not being able to fix myself... but I don't think I ever legit was trying to kill myself anyway. I want to, I want shit to end I guess I just... fuck it, might as well try and get help.)

So I called the suicide hotline and for about the first time in my life [yeah pretty sure this was a first] I didn't lie to someone who was trying to evaluate me. Generally I lie cause I don't wanna end up in a psych ward. This lady talked to me and asked me a bunch of questions and such and I guess it felt more and more depressing while being evaluated seeing that I'm all sorts of fucked up.

Child trauma at extremely early ages, near death experi... [okay fuck that one cause I wasn't bothered by it. I just lost my footing while climbing on some rocks once and.... I'm still here aren't I? I guess suicide doesn't count cause it's if I fear for my life... ], more child trauma, poor social skills, developmental problems, drug abuse, alcohol abus... forget those last two let's just go with substance abuse, money management issues.

But basically she told me that because of all the shit I've been through I definitely need to see someone or should and I scheduled an appointment to do just such. Personally i don't think it's going to help me. Then again at this point when I've tried so many different things and none of them worked I kinda don't feel like anything will.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Why don't you get professional help, it is obvious that your problems go beyond what pua could do for you...

other than that how are you looks:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaNtcEMXR5Y[/youtube]

_________________
Learn the proper way to maximize your results in a dancefloor/club environment, check out my blog and youtube channel:
http://www.dancefloorseduction.com

Dancefloor/Club game youtube channel:
http://www.youtube.com/dancefloorseduction

"...basically she told me that because of all the shit I've been through I definitely need to see someone or should and I scheduled an appointment to do just such. Personally i don't think it's going to help me..."

To quote myself

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Got you! Excellent!

_________________
Learn the proper way to maximize your results in a dancefloor/club environment, check out my blog and youtube channel:
http://www.dancefloorseduction.com

Dancefloor/Club game youtube channel:
http://www.youtube.com/dancefloorseduction

Recently I lost my job [shocking... I know].
One day I go in to pick up my tip money and the manager tells me to clean something up off the floor . I look at him with a "Are you fucking serious" look and say "I'm not clocked in I'm just here to get my tips.". He tells me to clean up the spill a 2nd time despite me saying I'm not clocked in and it's my day off and I'm just there to get money and I say "I'm not here for volunteer work, ask someone who's clocked in or clean it up yourself." and he says that Chris isn't there to give me my tips [which has so much to do with cleaning up the spill...] So I ask when chris will be there and he says about 3 hours so I say I'll just wait since I don't have anything else to do and he asks me to if I want to wipe down the bar and make some cash. I say sure and go to clock in and he says that I don't need to clock in.

So i wipe down the bar and before I'm finished he asks if I'm done [also while I'm cleaning it he's talking to me in the same tone of voice someone would use for their pet dog or a 5 year old child and at one point even called me "boy"... not in the derogatory racial slur kinda way but more in the condescending "you're a small child or dog" kinda way] I say that I'm almost done but not quite. I finish cleaning it and he goes to inspect it and finds a bar straw [left by a customer while I was cleaning it] and says that it's therefore not clean and I need to clean the whole thing over again. I said "No. I cleaned it once and all you found was a single bar straw. You saw me cleaning it. Pay me. I'm not cleaning it twice." He didn't pay me. I just waited till I got my tips and then left.


Next time I go to work I clocked in at 4:30 and then around 5:00 the manager Don says he doesn't need me. I make $5 an hour plus tips. It costs me $1.50 to ride the bus there and another $1.50 to get back home i.e. $3 to get to work and back. Half an hour I make $2.50, so I'm at a loss of $0.50 for even bothering to show up to work that day not to mention I could've been doing something else. I ask if I can stay longer and Don says no, they don't need me. I mention that I've only made $2.50 if I only work half an hour but it costs me $3 to get to work and back and that I don't like losing money going to work and certainly don't appreciate having my time completely wasted when I could've been at home or anywhere else doing something else. He still sends me home.

Next day I work is also a scheduling fuck up on their part. This place is down town detroit near Tiger stadium and ford field. Also near the Filmore and the Fox theater. So the geniuses who do the fucking schedule check to see if there's anything going on at the Filmore, Fox, Tiger Stadium, Ford field or anything else near by but they don't check to see WHAT is going on exception of Lion's and Tiger's home games [they don't bother with the Red Wings since Joe Louis Arena (The JLA! I think SPAM and superman... oh, wrong JLA...) is too far from them. And not the Piston's since they're actually in Auburn Hills, not Detroit. I call them the Auburn Hills Pistons.]. So, one of those days 21 Pilots had a show going on. I don't know what the fuck that is other than it's something that attracts preteens and high school girls but not people who want to get fucked up wasted at a BBQ restaurant and that their parents might grab a drink or two but aren't exactly coming in droves to get a bite to eat.

So, since they didn't check to see what it was exactly they just figured they may or may not need to schedule people and so they schedule people and when they show up if they don't need them they just send them home i.e. they don't give a fuck if they waste your time or if you lose more money traveling to work than you made at work. I go in at 4:30 and then around 5:00 Chris says he doesn't need me. I ask if I can do something else like clean and he says nope that I need to clock out. So I mention that he's wasting me time and that I'm losing money if I come in and leave so early and he says "Not my problem." so I clock out and go home.

At this point I'm debating if I'm even going to show up Saturday, the next day I work. I go to work anyway at 4:00 and while I'm working the guy who asked me to clean the bar and never paid me [let's just call him dipshit] asks me to clean the lobby. I don't respond I just walk out and continue doing as I was doing [which is normal for me. I usually don't respond I just get the job done and later they notice it's been done or might ask and the answer is always yes and things get done quickly.]. I cross paths with dipshit again and he asks "did you clean the lobby Nick?" and I say "Did you ever pay me for wiping down the bar that one day?" and Chris asks what's going on and I say that dipshit told me he'd pay me to wipe down the bar on my day off and I did so but he didn't pay me. Dipshit asks again if I cleaned the lobby and I say "After you pay me for wiping down the bar." and they tell me to clock out and go home. I tell them to choke on a fat cock and get my coat and clock out and leave.


I get it to an extent that I'm part of the problem when it comes to work. Also I haven't found a solution. I get angry over the principle that they'd waste my time like that repeatedly and feel like I'm better off without that shitty job. But at the same time I didn't see anyone else getting so screwed at work.... I don't really care anymore and have almost no motivation towards finding a new job.

Everytime I start a new one I figure maybe if I just don't talk to people things might work out and no one will think I'm weird and hate me. That often backfires and they think I'm weird and stuck up and hate me. Other jobs I actually talk to people and it just doesn't work out. So it's really confusing... I just don't want to have to talk to anyone at work ever. it's frustrating.

Then there's the asshole who hears about the last time things didn't work out and says some asinine retarded nonsense that suggests they think I do the same thing EVERY TIME! e.g. You're talking to some girl you just met and during an experimental phase you go for it and ask if she wants to have sex rather early on and she flips out on you and calls you a creep and says girls probably don't like you cause you ask for sex and that's all you want. She's taking this one situation to judge and guess about every other situation in your life [which is pretty fucked up and stupid. Makes you wonder if she's that stupid and repetitively does the same thing over and over with everything she does or if she's just a brain dead bitch who doesn't want to stop and think that maybe you don't actually do this with every girl].



Anyway, I'm going to see the psychiatrist tomorrow I think. I still haven't been on face book in a while and have been staying indoors and not speaking to anyone other than my dad... but I live with my dad. I went to the skating rink with him today and try as I might to not speak to a single soul the entire time I was there it didn't work. unfortunately I have skates you wouldn't normally see in a rink and many of the skaters wondered what kind of skates they were. Also some of the tricks I did brought attention to myself. I really just didn't want to speak to anyone but it didn't work out.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Colleen Prat..
It was fun we hung out for a few days and eventually had sex. I really liked that girl... Then she wouldn't answer her phone and I assumed maybe she might still be interested and tried again. 1.

That never worked and I figured maybe it was cause I was bothering her and that if I just left her alone she might be interested, which I guess was a form of 3. But more about 3 is at some point I really did try and show that i was worth her time... she kept saying she wasn't worth mine while I would retort that this was definitely not true.

4 hit pretty hard. I realized I was never going to be with this girl. She hated me and wasn't interested in me but I really liked her a lot. I realized I needed one of two things to happen A. Her to like me and wish to be with me or B. Me to stop caring that she wasn't going to be with me. Other wise I would remain depressed.... this is where things got screwy.

First I tried talking to other girls. I just wanted to meet someone else other than Cauliflower, which was ironic since she was someone else I'd met other than Megan, who just came out of left field in a time where I actually wasn't so fucking depressed about girls.... hmm... . o O (root of the problem?... no, more like a trigger, sort've like the match thrown on the trail of gasoline the house was already drenched in. The problems were present since I was 14 and just weren't dealt with or even noticed until it was too late and even then I didn't know know how to stop it or fix it and things just got worse and worse.... ).

And off on a tangent again... Colleen, megan, courtney.... Deb even. Still let's focus on Colleen and see where this train of thought leads me.


I completely skipped 2. Anger. But Kuber whatsherface never said people always face all 5 stages of grief [and really it's just a theory...]. So at this point I was presented with two options, stop caring about colleen or get colleen to care about me and i figured it made much more sense to try and control how I feel rather than how she feels... And I used to pride myself so much on my own willpower...

I tried talking to other girls. Aleah... I really liked her but that didn't work out, she was too young and I just wasn't going to bother with that mess... plus that was starting to get to me. There was the girl from Wallgreens that just wasn't into me and said I'm too old to have problems with girls I should've figured it out already [seriously, that's a fucked up thing to say to someone when they're upset about something. Now... I just think she's ignorant for saying it, back then I was feeling even worse that I was so behind the curb]. It wasn't working out, I wasn't meeting anyone who was interested.

I was meeting people like Amy Sinatra. Some girl I thought was pretty cool and really cute that I'd hung out with a few times who ended up later FUCKING ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND NOT FUCKING ME. That certainly didn't help me feel much better. But before Amy ever did that I was talking to this other girl who's name I forgot that was pretty cute who liked to make out with my friends in front of me... I felt more and more like there was no escape. I was unwanted and undesired, somehow I still had a little hope and really just wanted to stop thinking about Colleen. That's when the Lithium came into play.

Even when doped out on prescription meds designed to dampen emotion and make you a robot I still felt upset about Colleen and still cared. I tried playing video games and going out and doing stuff while avoiding people, I mean, they didn't really like me anyway so fuck'em. I just felt lonelier and as if there was no escaping this feeling. That I couldn't meet other girls, other girls didn't like me. I couldn't stop caring about Colleen. Colleen wasn't going to like me. Even on drugs I still cared and still felt depressed. Nothing was ever going to make this feeling go away...

That day Aleah had called me and wanted to chat I just didn't feel like it at the time. I was at a party with the girl who was always making out with Shadow and flirting with him every time I brought her around but basically said she had no interest in me. My friends were playing smash bros brawl and drinking and I was so down I didn't want to play. They convinced me to play and I started drinking heavily and then I took all the lithium. I drank more and more. Shadow asked if I had any of the lithium [I think someone wanted to try some and it was actually his that he'd given to me]. I said I took it all and he asked why, but Holly understood right away why I did it and said she was going to call 911.

I left the party hoping to die in peace somewhere... it was cold though and I ended up throwing up somewhere. So i went back tot he party and passed out. Shadow never gave me more lithium. I didn't stop feeling hurt and upset about colleen till maybe 2 years later.


I still don't know what, if anything, there is to do about any of it all. I just felt like writing at the moment.
Today I filled out some paper work for the mental health place, but I don't feel like going. I'll go tomorrow.
Still haven't been on facebook since wednesday. Still don't really want to talk to anyone... I really just wish I was dead.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

About three days ago I found a party on fetlife and decided to go.

Aaaand... fuck it, short version.
I fucked this one girl who was married, it was her birthday. Then I fucked this other girl that was pretty hot. Then I fucked the first one again and then the hot one again and then I got a ride home and decided that orgies are pretty fun.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Awesome! Finally some good news..

_________________
Learn the proper way to maximize your results in a dancefloor/club environment, check out my blog and youtube channel:
http://www.dancefloorseduction.com

Dancefloor/Club game youtube channel:
http://www.youtube.com/dancefloorseduction

Just gotta give a shout out to skills360.
Everytime I'm feeling down or about to give up he's there to tell me to keep trying. When I whine and cry about how bad things get I rarely [if ever] hear skills mocking me or otherwise being a dick.

I really get a negative vibe from a lot of people on here... but I guess it makes sense since a lot of PUA says you have to be better than the average guy and thus a lot of people in the PUA community are desperately trying to be better but have a foggy or mislead concept of what that is exactly...

Anyway... that was a tangent. Skill and poetic thanks for being nice and trying to push me to keep trying. More so for never acting like complete dicks.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Come 3:30 it will be 48 hours since I smoked a cigarette...
Right now so many things are randomly pissing me off for no reason.... And my body is tingly all over... A bad kinda tingling that I know will stop if I just go smoke a cigarette. I have the means to buy a pack or just go to the gas station and get a single cigarette but I'm not going to.

I've done this before... if you get past a week it's easy. It's the 3rd day that's the worst. Personally I've been staying indoors and avoiding all the temptations there are to go and smoke.

Why do I give a shit about quitting now?
Well I gave a shit about smoking cause it shortened my life for each cigarette and I just wanted to eventually die.... kinda like a really long term suicide. Now it's not that I want to live longer I'm just trying harder to be happy. Smokers don't feel normal unless they're smoking apparently. Non smokers are generally happier than smokers... So there's that.

Only thing is that I'm certainly losing an aspect of socializing by quitting. E.g. At city club nearly all my conversations took place in the smoking room, not cause I was smoking so much as it was quieter down there and easier to talk. A lot of conversations I initiate are started while smoking or cause of smoking. Basically smoking helps initiate a lot of socializing and now I'm quitting... So there's that.


meh... fuck people... I'm just gonna start working out and playing video games and enjoying life to myself... then buy some fancy clothes and get more hobbies.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

You remind me of how I felt earlier this year, I felt that I had no reason of living any more. It was the first time I didn't fear Death actually I was looking forward to it. I had this hole in my heart I couldn't seem to fill and it was killing me. I felt my life had no meaning anymore, I was searching for happiness everywhere but it took me a while to realize that happiness cannot be pursued. It was simply a positive consequence of doing something. Happiness can only be achieved through purpose. "Through purpose you find passion, you find happiness, you find meaning in an apparently meaningless existence." This words struck me hard, just keep in mind that you don't have to have one single ultimate purpose like "I want to be a doctor to a doctor when I grow up" So what I'm trying to tell you is that stop trying to please others at your own expense. Girls are not everything, they should be products caused by your happiness and not for girls to be a reason to be happy. If you aim at nothing you will surely hit it so make goals and stop complaining about how hard life is.

I don't really give a shit about girls anymore. They do very little for me and aren't concerned with how I feel and often put their own emotions before mine while never even considering that I have any in the first place. I don't give a fuck anymore. e.g. Today while waiting to see the Dr at the mental health place I was playing dominoes with this guy when some girl wanted to play. He was all like "yeah!!! sure!!!" I said "No, we're halfway through our game, you can wait." He was insistent on letting her play and she had little concern that we were halfway through our game.

So eventually she starts playing and we'd been playing with a rule where you can score ANY multiple of 5 points. I'd never played that way before but went with the when in rome idea. I was the first to score simply 5 points and she bitches and said that you can't score that amount and I said "This is how we were playing before you jumped in the game and this is how we will be playing this game." The entire game she constantly talked shit and accused me of cheating and otherwise acted like a poor sport.

I don't really have a high opinion of women. They're selfish and have little concern for anyone's feelings or emotions other than their own.


And I'm not happy cause I have Major Depression Dissorder. It's actually said to be so bad that anyone who goes into a mental health clinic suffering this HAS to be prescribed or given medication even if they don't have money. I'm actually depressed to a degree where I need medication to deal with it. It's not me just whining about shit or needing to tough things out it's a chemical imbalance.


Women... I'm tired of them and their selfishness. I just want to be happy. So I'm taking a break from girls for a while and just seeing how this medication pans out.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Well... I fucked a stripper last night.
I didn't even know she was a stripper when we first started talking...
Things kinda got a little awkward and weird... sorta... like there's a traumatized elephant in the room that keeps being hinted at that I'm not entirely sure how to address cause it's just.... I don't know how to deal with issues like this.

From her not so subtle hinting I gathered that she was rape and/or molested at some point and she feels like a sex addict... which I feel horrible about and all... I just don't know how to talk about it...

But right now I just don't fuckin' feel like talking about this really.... It's weird enough how I met this girl [add on craigslist actually...]. But hey, she gives a really good blow job, she's really nice, she's incredibly smart, she's hot, definitly really fun to fuck.... that... well I guess this has been loads of fun. But she's got a really great personality... I like her...

I'm just a we bit scared that same shit that always happens will happen. I meet hot chick. I fuck hot chick and get attached and want it to be more than just fucking. It doesn't end up like that and she doesn't care anymore and I'm single and sad and lonely.... I'm hoping that doesn't happen... But I figure I just gotta stay positive and not really give a shit if it does or doesn't happen that way [well I can make sure the sad and lonely part doesn't happen I guess].

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Okay... a more detailed version of how I fucked a stripper in case anyone's reading this and taking notes or whatever. Or it's useful to you... But I'm not going to just cover how I ended up having sex or me getting her to life me... Cause it think this focus is what's wrong with Pick Up. it's still sexist and puts the pussy on a pedestal while lowering the value of men [though some don't and some just claim not to more are doing this.]

How?!!??!?!?! If you actually want to girl or not rarely comes into question I've found in the pick up community. If you're interested in her or what sort of girl you're interested in or what personality traits you value I don't often here acknowledged or focused on. Just Are you able to seduce her and get laid... it's only focusing on you providing her with what she wants and assumes all you want in vagina and the ability to get it and your value is based on how much you can get and how frequently. I feel this is fucked and say fuck this.

What I'm saying is there should be a greater focus on things like figuring out if a girl is actually what you want or not [this is what girls are doing with us really] or finding girls that are what you're looking for. I just haven't seen much of this floating around.



So all of this started with an add on craigslist. it was in the dating section... not the casual encounters. Cause i wanted someone to date and have a relationship with. not someone to fuck. I wanted someone artsy and kinda weird so i said so. I also like really slutty girls [I've just always got along with them... why am I defending why. I'm weird and that's what I wanted] so I said so. I just described in detailed words what i wanted while I placed a summary as my title.

She e-mailed me and send a few pictures and told me about herself. She seemed interested in my add and me and was very interesting. I wrote back sent a picture of me and didn't hear shit for a days and kinda wondered what happened and felt kinda down...

about a week and a half passed with no response... I just randomly sent another response asking if I'd said something wrong and what was going on and she said she was unable to get to a computer to message me back but it'd be easier via phone or facebook so we did that. Which worked out. and we chatted here and there... then...

kinda didn't hear from her for a while... but she was busy with a lot going on. Eventually she was free and I went out to pick her up and she bought beer and we watched football and then had sex and she spent the night and was was wonderful.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12