Hi,

Background

I work in a department that is split in to 2 groups. Group A gives the work and Group B does the work required. I'm in Group B. Group A and B are intended to be equal in status. There is, obviously, a social hierarchy that has formed through put downs and slight underhanded bullying.

Problem

A young HB8 - 22 yr old girl (I'm 32) started working in Group A about a year ago and her behaviour and disrespect toward me has increased over the past few months and I'm unsure how to handle it as it's getting worse

All her disrespect and abuse toward me is all covered in jokes and she always gets cheap laughs out of me and it's frustrating as if I deliver the same insults to her she will more than likely cry (yes she is a cryer and she regularly comes in to Group B's office to cry through the fact that her job is frustrating at times)

There are 3 guys in Group B (including me) when she pokes fun (calling me a dick head, stupid and that I'm shit at my job) at me she says I'm easy to poke fun at and she loves taking the p*ss out of me. She does this in front of other work colleagues to humiliate me I am unreactive just give her a little smirk and the usual 'alpha male' responses ie make out that she is hitting on me etc etc but she is very good at countering this with looking at the other two guys (GroupB) and rolling her eyes and smirking. The other two guys encourage it by playing to her and laughing hysterically so this empowers her. I pulled one guy to one side and he said she is just trying to fit in as she is finding it difficult in this job.

I'm a guy who loves a bit of banter with the girls in the office poking a little friendly fun at each other but this is different. It comes across as passive aggressive and I feel that she looks down at me through her behaviour. One of the guys in Group B is also alpha but can be a huge bitch and he has her respect. I would normally put it down to her age and naivety that her behaviour is so inappropriate in work and makes me frustrated. Outside of work I'm used to girls shit testing me and giving me shit but I laugh at them and give shit back but work profession is different.

An example of the sort of abuse I get from her is condescending and undermining ie calling me 'kid' and 'buddy' and punching me on the arm. Sometimes she is nice as pie but what pissed me off was that she came in to Group B office last night and asked what everyone was doing tonight as there was a work night out.

Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me: I'm skint so I'm staying in.
(Other group B guy): Oh he's got a girlfriend now so he doesn't need us
Her: You're usually the social butterfly of the group now your just a complete tosser (laugh)
(Other group B guy): (laugh hysterically) he actively encourages her shit to me

This is a small example of the shit she gives it might not sound like much but it starts to grate at you after awhile. She openly criticized me infront of other work colleagues and even to the open plan office but they like her as she is she comes across as innocent.

Is there a chance that I'm attracting this beahviour? ie not being assertive and pulling her to one side and addressing the issue (or is that weak behaviour as she would tell everyone what I said and think that I'm letting a little girl get to me)

Your thoughts are much appreciated.

She sounds like an entitled cunt, I'm sorry you have to work with her.

As I'm sure you know, there's probably no way to report her without having her just make fun of you for doing so.

What kind of bitch goes around an office burdening other people with her stupid shitty emotions? Seriously, that's borderline emotional abuse.

I guess what you have to decide is, whether you can take being made fun of for filing a report against her, if it cuts back on her behavior (besides the snarky, cunty comments she'll make about it).

She's creating a toxic work environment. Personally I'd have no problem reporting her for it, but it's a choice you have to make.

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Become chummy with the boss, he has the power to hire and fire so get on his good side. If she's smart she'll back off, if she doesnt you might be able to get her sacked. I was in a vaguely similar situation as you once and because the boss liked me he fired her but covered up the real reason, so i didn't look bad at work.

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Thanks for the reply guys.

It is difficult when you work in a toxic competitive environment. I think I will have to approach guy in Group B and talk to him as he encourages this disrespect almost like she is seeking his approval and I have inadvertently become the office bitch by not standing up to it as soon as things came to light. He does make little comments from time to time and he is trying to leap frog me to a higher position even though he is lower than me. I feel these are underhanded tactics and it gets me down and frustrated.

How would you respond to a girl in the work place who (jokingly or not) abuses you, calls you names? Do you give her a stern dressing down in front of the office?

One basic question here is how emotionally involved you are with your job and your colleagues. In my opinion, not only is it a bad idea to get involved with girls at work, but it's a bad idea to even get involved with your colleagues as people. The way my friend (who is the most socially skilled guy I know) put it is that who you are at work isn't YOU. This is a bit radical and it may come more naturally to start caring about people who you spend a lot of time with, but I've found that emotionally detaching yourself from those you work with (all of them except for maybe a rare exception) and just being professional is the best way to avoid getting involved in all kinds of drama. This is a good idea when it comes to your career anyway. You need to have in mind at all times that you're just there for the money. That way when someone tries to push you to do something that's beyond your job, you can just say "well, this is not what my contract says" or whatever. The more you have personal relationships with your colleagues, the more you will become biased for them or against them and become less objective in your work dealings. So if you feel like you're getting drawn into crap, just think to yourself "they're not a part of my life, they're just work colleagues".

One thing I've found helpful is to say out loud to yourself in the morning, "right, let's go and make this money", and at the end of the day "right, that's my money earned for the day". It helps you to keep things in the right perspective and remember why you're there, and it's not to be liked or disliked or respected or disrespected by anybody. It's to get paid.

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This.

Also you have to keep it professional at work. Banter is ok but should remain very small and brief and be emotionally detached. There are some hot girls where I work but I pay no attention to them

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ask her what's bothering her to make her act like a cunt all the time. PPL only do that kinda shit cause they're insecure. Of course maybe calling her a cunt isn't the best way to go lol. But look at her and ask her "is anything bothering you?" "I'm sorry things must be rough for you to be lashing out like this in the office" or you could just laugh her off all the time and say "haha that's cute" be vague... don't give her any ammo to put your job in jeapordy.

My squad leader in the Army used to be on my case all the time and he had rank on me.... but every time he didn't something fucked up I smiled and laughed it off. Later on he had an outburst because he was pissed I always smiled at him when he gave me orders.... but u can't give a soldier a counseling statement for smiling

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Thanks.

I agree and I have tried those things but it only encourages her. Boundaries are being crossed and if I'm smiling and laughing it's only giving her the green light to carry on. She laughs when she's dishing out the insults and she is the only person that behaves this way to me. I have banter with people and it's fine light hearted and we are both laughing but as WhiteWolf66 said "Banter is ok but should remain very small and brief and be emotionally detached." I will address her in a professional manner come Monday. I know what to do. I think the main point is that in the end it is my fault for letting it get to this and I need to make it right as she is immature and probably doesn't understand 'banter'.

I had this happen, not joking disrespect, but she would continually go behind my back and talk shit to my boss(who is a friend) so he told me about it. I confronted her 1 on 1 and let her that they way she was acting was bullshit and if she had a problem with me she needed to confront me and not talk shit behind my back. She cried when I confronted her, almost right away, but I continued on with telling her she was acting like a high school kid etc. She literally did a 180 afterward, she apologized to me and now acts like she is my best friend. Just confront her about what is bothering you, be calm but stern.

the most direct way to deal with it is to make it a losing proposition for her to insult you. Have something you can say or do next time she does it, and also do something later to double down on her mistake. When mocking you becomes a bad deal for her she will stop.

I will confront her and this is along the lines of what I want to say to her in a calm professional manner:

"I want to talk to you about your behaviour towards me in front of other colleagues recently. I'm not happy with your behaviour especially on Friday. Your behaviour is disrespectful and abusive. I don't appreciate being called a 'tosser'. It makes me angry and I think it makes you look unprofessional in front of staff. The impression I'm getting from you is that you think that I'm a pushover. I don't mind playful teasing but when it becomes a sign of disrespect through singling me out I won't tolerate it.

I've cut you some slack lately because I've felt sorry for you as you have been dropped in the deep end and given new responsibilities which you're finding difficult. I don't want this to continue as I want our working relationship to blossom. I like you and I want to help you succeed as you have a lot of potential.

In future if you have a problem with me, it'd be better for you to talk to me in private rather than to other staff in the office. This will make you appear more professional and improve our morale as well.

If you continue to belittle me in front of staff, I will have no choice but to refer the matter and to consider making a formal complaint. Can we agree that from now on you refrain from using such abusive and disrespectful behaviour.
If you need to speak to me again, you do it away from other colleagues."

I think that more or less gets the point across.

I like most of it but I don't think I would threaten a formal complaint. It makes you look weak and unable to handle the situation yourself. I would say all the rest or something close though. Good Luck

Yeah good point. I thought that also.

Thanks

I've had to deal with a lot of highly disrespectful co-workers, some of the most immature gang of punks you'll ever see. Don't be surprised if you see people in their 30s or 40s acting like little children, some people will never grow up.

My only advise is to reiterate what was already said. Get chummy with your boss, and try to find all the channels for submitting complaints about inappropriate behavior, but do it only after you are on the good side of your managers.