I've been texting a girl lately that is the closest thing I currently have to a oneitis. Well, to be honest, in everyday language, I think I could easily come to fall in love with her. I'm not really sure how she feels about me. There have been some good signs but there's also a certain amount of reluctance. I'm trying to "Hold my frame" and all that but tbh there's an emotional part of me that feels there's something bigger going on.

Anyway this is just background. One piece of advice newbies are often given is to "next" girls, in order to avoid oneitis and focus on "gaming more girls". Fair enough. But, to use this analogy of gym, is this not like telling a newbie to put the weights down because it will take time to build their body. This one lift your currently lifting won't be the one to turn you into superman. You need to keep pumping weights over weeks, months and years and then you will get strong. Similarly, this one girl won't be the one to give you fulfilment. You haven't built up your fulfilment muscles. You need to work them out over time.

However, as time goes on, does there not come a point where "nexting" is a bit like throwing a tantrum. To be honest, whenever the impulse comes to me to "next" a girl, it just feels like I'm sulking because she didn't respond the way I wanted her to and I'm thinking "fuck this, I'd rather be doing something easier".

Point being, there is almost no situation where having some kind of relationship with a girl will be a bad thing, if you can regulate that relationship and stop her getting under your skin, which should surely be possible. Unless she's actually being abusive to you, isn't it better to say "well, she didn't go for me today, but there's always tomorrow", then go off and do something else. Why delete numbers from your phone or make statements about how you're done with her and she will have to make the effort or whatever. Isn't it all just childish sulking?

Surely ESPECIALLY if you're getting a bad reaction, that's a good reason to stick around and deal with that. Nexting every girl that gets to see the real you and going for another girl so that you can pull over the wool over her eyes doesn't seem like a very mature response. Isn't it better to only "next" girl if they're being abusive or behaving in ways that MOST people would agree are out of order, rather than just showing a lack of interest? I'm all for "gaming other girls", but why cut off the one who didn't initially love for you? Aren't the wounds of an enemy more faithful than the kisses of a friend, or whatever that proverb is?

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If something's not fun, it's not worth doing

haha you're not alone dude. i feel your pain.
its the part of you that wont give in or give up. i think nexting is for sets you've just met, literally seconds before, as in you recognise the chemistry isnt there so there's no point in wasting your time or theirs, and its easy next someone shortly after you meet them as you have no attachment.

however. if you have already gotten to know a set and there is a real connection there it can be a real struggle to let go of the potential you know is there. especially if she is in your daily routine circle e.g. college or work or gym or hobbies etc then you cant just forget about her.

i've been in this situation a number of times and while in them i regularly get to the point where i say ah nuts to this shit, forget about her. then later on maybe a day or 2 later, i say no im not giving up that easy!
to me this is because i rarely meet a girl with a real connection & chemistry, and because i am stubborn/in denial and wont admit/acknowledge defeat...


anyway this is all probably no help to you

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If its got tits or wheels, it will give you nothing but trouble

I think it comes down to acknowledging that what women have to offer goes well beyond sex, and that your motivation for nexting a girl is purely "she won't put out" rather than "she's bad news".

Guys do well through persistence I believe, so if you really want a girl then maybe you should persist. It comes down to judgement whether you're persisting through a gut-level sense of purpose or weak, emotionally-motivated desperation.

I appreciate the empathy just-some-guy (change the username by the way, it pays to have a silly arrogant one like mine, whether you currently feel congruent with it or not). With this particular girl I just want my motivations for sticking with it or moving on to come from the right place, and that's not from her reactions, but from in my heart of hearts whether I know I've got something legit to offer her.

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If something's not fun, it's not worth doing

yes they do, lotta women find being relentlessly pursued a turn on, this is Russian roulette with being labelled a stalker/harasser though. i think a lot more women play hard to get on purpose to prolong this game.
i've personally seen guys who didnt match up with nor deserve certain HBs pull them in the end, merely by dogged persistence, even way past needy and pathetic.

anyway. you really made me think about that judgement thingy, and for me in particular im sure its gut level instinct because ive been in situations where im in danger of being obsessed with a HB even though i have a healthy sex life at the time. how about you>?

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If its got tits or wheels, it will give you nothing but trouble

I'm still figuring that out man. I'm often too quick to let a girl go because she didn't respond in the desired way (see Chief's "ego problems" post) and I think I could probably do with being more persistent. The difficulty comes in if/how you acknowledge her lack of responsiveness/enthusiasm. If you totally act like it's not happening and carry on then that can seem like having a strong frame or it can seem like just being socially clueless. Where you draw the line I'm not sure.

One of the things that really impacted me was 60YOC's comment about how women hold the "creepy" label over us. Which basically means if you don't allow them to set the boundaries according to their own comfort then you get labelled. But again, if you have that gut-level knowledge that something is real, then isn't it best to pursue it rather than fearing a label? Any good relationship has to come from at least one of the people knowing it's right and sticking with it, surely.

My SPAM's girlfriend asked him out four times before he finally said yes. SHE clearly knew what she wanted and didn't give up. If girls can persist in that way and not be considered creepy, why can't we?!

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If something's not fun, it's not worth doing