Situation:
My gf dumped me 2 weeks ago after 11 years, moved out (had been living together for 3 years). She had pretty good reasons - I let myself go a bit, didn't fully commit. Don't blame her for that. She's a stunner, I was ignorant. I've read all the usual stuff (NC, work on myself - doing the latter). We've had separations before, mostly because of other people/infidelity. This year we were going to make our first baby, get married in the next few months - she might have gotten cold feet. It's still very tough - yes, she's the one, and as romantic as it may sound - deep down I know she loves me, just couldnt stand some things about me anymore (including loss of sexual attraction over the last few months). It might be a power game to change the situation.

Anyway, when she dumped me, she didnt mention this other guy one bit (we had a long tough day). Only later I found out that she had met with him a few times on dates (nothing sexual apparently) while she was pondering to break up (I was traveling). A week after break up she went to his city to meet him in a park.
I did ask her for at least a bit of time to tackle changes to our relationship without having to worry about other men right away - a reasonable request knowing the history of our past breakups, to which she reacted in a obviously irrational, making herself angry to blow me off kinda way. I know she really wants this now.

Problem:
Tonight, she'll apparently have her first night with him, apparently in a hotel. Until now she hasn't told me fully what's going on (I know she doesn't really have to, however, if she wanted to break off completely forever, she would).
Yeah, I know it's jealousy and all, but I would love to get into her head at least a little bit before she farks him to set their path on a rocky rebound relationship (I know I can't stop her right now) while I get my act together. By text message or a short call. I don't want to go all crazy and jealous.

Any ideas?

Well mate you've created that situation as you have said. I totally understand that when we have a GF we tend to forget about it, cuz we are happy right? Why should we concern about it right?
You had 11 years to make it happen, she gave you all to have a family with you, get marry and get all your shit together, and you didn't care.

You know that if she gets a better person she wouldn't care more about you, but yes, deep inside she would feel something about you, but that thinking will be erased by the other awesome guy that gives her all she need, things that you didn't give.

I don't want to make you feel worse, but you already know that the things aren't working for you, sorry mate you had a lot of chances to change how you are and you didn't do anything.

But if she gives you another opportunity, don't waste it, cuz it might be the last one for ever.

At least think this way: I really hope she'll be happy with him cuz it's all i ever wanted for her, make her happy.
And try to make yourself happy too, get out and find a "replacement" if nothing works with your girl.

Best of luck mate

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Gotta put da cream!

Thanks for the reply! Yeah, I know that it's mostly my fault because I didn't listen to the signs, didn't work on myself. Mostly - not completely - I did change quite a bit over the years for her. And yes, eventually I WILL get around to wishing her being happy with whoever she's with (if I lost her forever), but not at this stage yet. She's used other men in the past trying to either get away from me or over me in some sort, and I'd like to push the right buttons now to make this phase as short as possible.

I'm working on all the other things, getting attractive again (not a problem in the past) etc., and yes, if I do get another chance, no way I'll blow it - I want kids with this woman and don't want to put them through hell (one of the reasons I waited so long to propose, our always pretty instable relationship, got better only in the last 3 years).

So let me get this straight... this relationship has been marred by multiple infidelities, and on top of that, you've made numerous changes for her? Let me ask: who committed these infidelities, and what has she changed for you?

If this is as one-sided as I expect it is, you are better off without her. There is no way she respects you.

I was wondering the same thing, and OP you may think she hasn't done anything with this guy before but her meeting him at a hotel says other wise.

ok, just don't try to make her jealous, for example we tend to say that we got another girl and she's awesome and shit (when it doesn't even exist), if she's playing with you to make you to change, show to her that you are actually changing like she wants.

One thing that you can do is talk about the past (only positive things that happened), for example when you first meet, when you first kiss, and then say: "I know that i deserve it but I miss those moments and we only give value to the things when we miss them : ("... but now is not the appropriate time, the situation is too fresh yet and you don't want to push and force it, give time to talk about this situation.

So at this moment, don't say that you miss her, don't say that you need her and you are in pain, etc. from now on you must focus on her, ask if she's ok and if she's having a nice day... now you have to focus on her and stop complaining about you and only thinking about you like if she doesn't exist - this it's your first step.

More tips you can start to do now:
- Don't talk about pain and shit.
- Don't let your friends talk to her about this situation, they don't help, they just screw it, believe me.
- Don't complain about yourself to her.
- Practice sports and shit to make you fit
- Update your facebook with pictures of your new changes to let her notice that you are changing (for example if you clean your house, if you go to gym, etc..)
- Remove (or hide) actual facebook pictures that show that you have low value (for example: drunk pictures, etc.)
- Don't remove any photo that have you both
- Don't change your facebook main photo, even if the photo is about you both, don't change it. Only change it if the photo gives you low value (for example: drunk pictures, etc.) in this case select a picture of you alone doing something interesting.
- Don't post depressing shit on facebook like those hipsters pics about "how you loved your GF and now i lost her" and shit, also don't write about that kind of shit, that's childish and you want to show to her that you are a man with value!
- Never take pictures with another women and post it on facebook. From now on, your pics are about friends or just your self doing cool\great things.
- Never talk with another women in public facebook messages, if you want to talk to another women then private with her.
- Post things on facebook that she might like you to post about.
- Don't post on facebook romantic\pain songs
- Text (don't call, just text) her every days (to avoid her to lost contact with you) but be short as possible on your conversations (since you want to talk to her every days you don't want to suffocate her), don't send her more than 5~10 messages, give some gap of time in between and always say that you have to do something and can't talk at that moment, like: "Ok, glad to hear that. I have to make dinner, talk to you latter" - you can make other excuse better than this, use your imagination
- Day after day you can increase the amount of messages send by day, it's good if you start with 5 and on the other day you can send 8, after 12, and so on... but do it slowly and don't force it!
- Don't show that you are alone and you need her or other person's company.
- If you go out and she knows it, then just say "meh it was boring, i'm getting older for this" - cuz you know when guys go out in this cases is to get another woman, make sure that you didn't like and you were almost forced to go out.

Note, if she's not a facebook person then try to find a way to make her notice that you are changing without telling her directly.

After some time passed (at this point you have to let her notice that you are changing - list below) you can escalate on the conversation to make you able to talk about the past thing that i said above, then tell her that you (both) were perfect and you are kind of an asshole because you didn't care much about her.
Do it in this order (the order is important, don't change the order!!):
1º Talk awesome and wonderful things that you had before
2º Lower your value to her: Say how stupid you are and how you miss those moments
3º Give her value saying something like: I'm stupid because i missed the girl of my dreams
it's like when you want to give a critic to someone, you always should start with a good positive thing about the person and then you say the negative thing, like: "You have a good positive taste of style but i'm not sure about that t-shirt", instead of: "i don't like your t-shirt".

Always do things with logic, first you have to show that you have changed, and only after that you'll be able to try to get her back, otherwise you'll just screw it more. The reason is: She only accept you back if you change, and you know that, so why would you try to get her back with her knowing that you still are the same "bad person" that you were.

If this doesn't work my friend, then you don't have another opportunity.
So don't force things and make sure that you do the right way. Also don't bring friends to this, this is just about you and her, you screw it, you must fix it and only you know how to fix it.

Oh, and no matter what happens, notify me about what happened by private message here on forum.
If you want some help, you can private message me but please be short as possible and don't use it to complain about how bad your life is, just ask me what to do and i'll try to do my best. But i totally recommend you to use this forum instead of private message me, it's always great to have a lot of different perspectives.
Best of luck!

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Gotta put da cream!

I guess she did that, well i don't blame her, sometimes you need to be with another women in order to not destroy your relationship. Routine and stuff. We are humans, by the science eyes we are not faithful like for example the pigeons, we just do it because society tells us to do it, it's not because our genes tells us this.

But you are right somehow, well you know, love forgive this shits :\

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Gotta put da cream!

It's definitely not one-sided at all, lots of stuff on both sides (on different levels), especially in the first few years. Numerous break-ups, because of that...during which we always fought for each other and got back together (so none of all the "normal" get-your-ex-back strategies on either side). We finally got to a point where we both knew we wouldn't be cheating ever again in this relationship, because it hurts the partner too much, so yeah, I do believe that she didnt do anything sexual with this guy...but even meeting him for coffee behind our back would have qualified as cheating (by the codes she mostly implemented in our relationship). But by that time she had probably already made up her mind more or less that she wanted out, so she seems to be fine with that.

And we both changed, her mostly adapting to my lifestyle (lots of travels) over the years, me to living with her, doing (some, not enough) chores at home after living together the last 3 years. Not enough changes to be a good husband/father, too content/lazy before I realized I lost her.

@Psydaddy: thanks for your awesome post, gotta think about it a bit and will reply.

@Psydaddy: again, thanks a lot! It's great to read your tips - different from the "usual" stuff I've been reading the last few days (and even more so from what I've been doing). While I came here mostly to get some "quick fix" before she b*ngs this guy tonight (nothing I can do to stop her apparently anyway), it's great to have some input into the big picture of trying to win her back.
Yeah, I wasn't planning on making her jealous - would be too obvious, and frankly, not sure if she'd care since she has this other guy now. I am not completely sure she wants me to change, I did sit down the first three days after the break-up and calmly looked at our life, where I made mistakes/had unreasonable plans for the future and wrote it all down for her, what would change. 19 pages. Brought that to her, apparently she's read it one time, doesn't really want these changes anymore, too late, only words. But I also feel that it's my only shot, make changes, show them, hope for the best (most of them are needed for me anyway to again get a healthier, better life...stuff like sleeping routines, exercising, stop smoking etc.).

Talking about good past things later makes sense, and I do like the tip of not talking about myself anymore...I tried that ("breakup is hard enough, can't you wait a bit before you add even more pain, you know how it feels") to no avail. I know it makes me sound weak etc, but she really does know how it feels, so hoped for empathy. Stopping that.

All the FB tips don't really apply to me/us, since I usually only post stuff about myself for big life events (big trips, death of grandfather), otherwise only use the wall to communicate with some contacts/friends if they post something. Gonna keep it normal and won't change any behaviour there (too obvious).
Yeah, we never texted that much, so even 1 per day would already feel much for her, but yes, I might use that one wisely. It's contrary to what most tips suggest, but I also have a strong feeling that NC would feel very weird (especially since we've been through so many breakups where we didnt do that).
Hm, I'm not really alone (living with family in one house), so thankfully always someone to talk to. But one of my plans was to build up a circle of friends where we live (been to lazy because of all the travels), so might show her that.
Yeah, not sure how to do that. Can't communicate the changes on FB right now, plan was to meet her (maybe in a week or two) which would be an opportunity, but after the last meeting I found out about that other guy, panicked and communication hasn't been very good since then, so not sure if these meetings will continue for now.
I like that, feels right, not sure if it's gonna work...but calculate my chances at 10% right now anyway, so why not try with such a positive way, rather than NC and hoping for the best.
Thanks a lot, I'll stick to the Forum and will post an update at some point. If anyone has some input on how to try to get the rebound out of the way somehow (I know he might not be important...however, I don't know anything about him at this point, so he might also be the man of her dreams), would love to hear it.

And no, I wont come sobbing and all - I know I brought this on myself, and in fact, I'm very thankful to her for waking me up - my life is gonna be a lot better thanks to this wake-up call, whether with or without her (already told her that several times).

Well, it's up to you to find out, maybe if she doesn't want you to change, she might consider your effort of being a better person and might give you another opportunity, well nothing to lose right? Well at least you win a new way of seeing life, so you win something : )
Sorry, I didn't get it, you sent her the list of bad things our you saved it for latter?
Yes, i was thinking about that when i told you to do that, but you can't do it now, don't force it as i said.
Well, i don't think you should do that, otherwise she wouldn't know that you are changing your life, how you plan to make her notice without telling her?
Well if you don't text her much you'll not be able to take that deep conversation about the past, so you have to change something at this point in order to achieve that. You know that you didn't text much because you also didn't care much, there's always a reason for something, so you should do what I've told you, i didn't told you to text her all day, but 1 sms \ day is nothing.
I'm guess she wouldn't want to meet up and talk to you, if you plan a meet up she'll notice what you want and she wouldn't accept it. So, you don't have much to do.

About the other stuff, well mate, you are making excuses, you know that deep inside you are able to do that but you don't fee that the time is right \ appropriated.
If you don't find a way to make this happen i don't have another tips to give you, cuz there's nothing else you can do, you have to change yourself, make her notice the changes, talk to her and make her realize that you had awesome moments and you both still want to have them.

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Gotta put da cream!

Jupp, exactly what I think, many changes will be really good for me - with or without her.
I gave her a detailed list of all the issues I identified in our relationship and how I'm going to tackle/change them. Personal changes, and stuff like accepting her working, not leaving her alone to travel anymore. Wrote it all down and brought it to her 3 days after break-up. She knows exactly what I'm going to do. At that point I didn't know yet that another guy was in the picture (she didnt mention it with one word during our day-long horror break-up session), but I still am going through with all these things right now (the ones that I can do without being in a relationship with her right now).
To be honest, the changes I'm making can't really be communicated on FB (at least not in my case, really sure about it - I use FB in a pretty professional way). She knows that I want to show her changes, so if I don't let some of them into our communication when we talk (or meet again) it'll seem strange to her. I'm thinking about the best way to do that.
Our situation is a bit different - we did text maybe once a day when I was traveling, when I was here we'd see each other. If I start bombarding her with texts (she won't reply to most of them, so it'll be very one-sided) it's gonna freak her out. I did send her a nice one along the lines you had told me (not talking about me, hoping she had a great day - even though I know she's with that guy for the first night - telling her about a relatively new friend who came to visit me - I had mentioned him/the couple as possible "couple-friends" for us in the past, one point I know was always important for her).
We'll see - first meeting 10 days after breakup went pretty well, no sobbing etc., not bad really. Then the rebound came into the picture, I didnt know about him before that and communication turned a bit more stressed in the last few days. So yes, it might be harder to meet her in the future.
I'll think hard some more how exactly to go about it some more, but I like the course of action.

oh ok i see, well i don't have any other tip to give you : (
When you meet up with her, send me a private message explaining me what happened and if you get her back, i would like to hear that

i just wish you the best of luck on that : )

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Gotta put da cream!

I'll do that, and if anyone else has some ideas/different strategies I could use, would love to hear them.