Whatsup guys

I have been a lurker on these forums for quite sometime. However now i need some advice. Have been in a LTR for 2.5 years. Ups and downs, but our compatibility has always been good. Girl is HB9, good girl, doesnt like to party much, i am her first serious relationship, broke her virginity, have met parents etc.

Problem is, the sex has basically stopped. For the passed 3 months, i have noticed a big change. All she wants to do is just cuddle, watch movies or series or complain to me about how annoying her friends are. It has been a stressful term, but this does not seem to be the problem. She says she has become very personal about her body, whatever the fuck that means, she says she is just not ever in the mood or kinky anymore. We used to have crazy ass sex, dirty talk, i dominated her, she is a squirter, she has multiples, and used to be a confident freak. But now when we do have sex its always me on top and when i change positions she says it hurts, or comes up with some other excuse.

I have tried to build attraction by not always being available, teasing her, not kissing her or saying i lover her a much. I also tried planning romantic nights for her, and trying to "make love" occasionally as well as the wild sex. But this has not helped. I'm fucking dying here. She always wants to see me, always wants to chill and be lovey duvey, but whenever i escalate she backs away.

Some advice would be highly appreciated.

regards
seed

Possibly hormonal or birth control related? Birth control always has the possibility of killing a girl's sex drive. If that's the case, then it's probably not even the girls fault.

On the other hand, if you're not having sex or messing around, then you're not getting your needs met and it is, by definition, a bad relationship. You need to communicate that to her and either 1) open up the relationship or 2) start seeing other people (i.e. break up).

or, I suppose, 3) she agrees to start sexually pleasuring you (daily) even if she's not in the mood to have sex.. and then you wait it out until her sex drive recovers.

-Wolf

_________________
Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

No, no change there. Same pills since we started dating.

I feel really bad, because she is a great girl and all, but it is really becoming an issue, the other night i felt like calling up one of my fwb. I think ill suggest having an open relationship, and see if that wakes her up or not. It was my 21st birthday, wrote an exam, came back, chilled with her, she didnt plan anything, we chilled, then i tried to initiate she said, i'm so tired. That's when i said enough is fucking enough, on on fucking birthday, and i did not even get laid.

When i told her its a biological need, she said the more i pressurize her, the more it seems like a chore, and the more she does not want to do it.

Think i would tell her that she was not meeting your needs and you are ready to get out of the relationship because your needs are not important to her anymore.

I'd go with your plan it seems pretty good, you were direct with her and she pretty much put the problem on you.

Where you are, I have been twice in my life so far and I'm not planning to go ever again(although it's generally out of my hand as you already see...). You may be doing all things good and correct but again sometimes something happens with them and they are turned off suddenly or gradually.

What she told you that the pressure you put on her makes it worse, it's true somehow. One time I stopped doing anything sexual in my relationship apart from jokes and spanking her ass here and there and then after a few days it happened fully naturally- we were lying in bed talking and then it happened. The girl made some efforts but our drives were totally different. It was one reason why I separated from her.


I would say that for the time being most probably you can do nothing. Next time I will personally try making breaks on the sex even from the very beginning- keep some days without sex so that she will be eager for it and then here we go again. But for you, I believe that threatening her that you will end it, it will not make a real change. You'll make it couple times more and then you'll see she'll do the same. I think it's just over, I'm sorry to say.

If you can't accept it think of the following: do you really want to go with a girl who would rather choose not to have sex with you if you gave her the freedom to do so? Can you compare it with the days she was looking at you and you saw in her eyes that she wants to f**** your brains out? Of course things would change after some time but you have become friends and nothing more.

I'd say give it some time, try to relax yourself and forget all about it for a few days(yea, I know) and if you see that it's really over and she won't make any move, go for the next. Perhaps she wants to finish it herself and it's her way to make you do it for her. I just had it recently with a girl I liked a lot, be brave and you'll make it.

over the 2 year mark is important physiologically, essentially the dopamine rush she used to get from you is reduced, or she has a developed higher tolerance. Based on my personal experience what's going on here is rather normal unfortunately

due to my distaste for 'open relationships' Wolfwoodd's 3rd solution is sort of what I finally settled on when dealing with women in longer term situations. The frame I have used is along the lines of 'I find you exquisitely desirable and there's no way I'm going to be able to control myself around you - I have a very high sex drive already and you just get me going like no other. If you're not going to be having sex with me then I won't be able to spend time with you because I won't be able to relax around you.' After saying something like this, just plow for the nookie and show her what you mean when you said you aren't able to control yourself. Sometimes all it takes is a near-rape to get her to remember you're a man. If she reacts particularly poorly to your extremely aggressive caveman advances then immediately flip to total freeze-out and tell her you can't even think straight when you're around her lately and you simply can't deal with this bullshit. Get ready to leave and tell her you'll get ahold of her when you've 'calmed down a bit and can talk about things better' but 'it's probably best at the moment to take a break right now so you both can have some space'. If she asks if you're going to see other people during the 'break', tell her it's none of her business at the moment and get the fuck out of there. If she tries to keep you there just to talk and be emotional and whatnot tell her you can't deal with this kind of thing right now when all you're doing is thinking about slamming her and you'll be able to talk better at another time when you aren't so wound up. You can keep trying to fuck her right up until you leave, but make sure to let her know you mean business when you are talking to her about serious shit. If you fuck her and don't end up going on a break right then, you're going to have to keep a real strong frame on this situation in every interaction - she has to understand that spending time with you means making sure you're happy. Simply by displaying this strong frame about your sexual needs and being fully committed to following your words with actions will re-demonstrate your capacity for alpha behavior and increase her sexual feelings for you. As usual, you have to demonstrate this by being completely willing to lose her, forever. You can't bluff about this, it has to be authentic, otherwise you just further lower your value.

so your M.O. is to just caveman her until either you succeed, or you are sent off to find fresh meat. if she succumbs to your forceful advances then it's mostly a matter of demonstrating that take no prisoners alpha sexual behavior over and over again - not being beta about wanting to fuck is a huge turn on for women, and it's easy for males to slip up and over-comply with their sexual behavior within the context of a longer term relationship - but that is absolutely not what she wants

It took me more than one slip-up to do this even half properly. It also only works well if she knows you won't have a problem getting laid (of course). If she's a 9 you shouldn't have any problems going out in public with her and making sure she sees some girls checking you out. It sounds like she needs more indicators that you're still an object of attention from other worthwhile females. Whether her friends are attracted to you or not can make or break you - there's nothing more validating to a female than her friend telling her that she wants to fuck her boyfriend - females like to feel they are alphas too

It also sounds like you need to go do something new and fun, doesn't need to be that special, just different than the same crap it sounds like you've been doing - take charge of activities and lead them to fun places - although something like that right now seems like it might be a bit too little too late. You have not put enough boundaries around her and your relationship with her and it sounds like she's dictating the rhythm - i.e. tell her to shut the fuck up sometimes because you don't give a shit about what her friend said right now and you'd rather talk about something interesting, you don't want to sit in and watch movies, you want to get the fuck out there and do something that'll get the juices going.
re: pressure to fuck - it only makes things worse if you're beta about your wants and needs, like the orbiter that is always flirting with her but doesn't value himself highly enough to tell her to fuck off when she turns him down for the umpteenth time, either explicitly or implicitly. This is some unconscious shit-testing that all women do at some point as far as I can tell - they are constantly evaluating you to see if you continue to be worthy of their attention as sexual mates. Women have sexual mates and emotional partners and they don't need to be the same people(s) - I think you know which one you need to be first. By design their relationships with their sexual mates tend to be fairly temporary, even transitory (doesn't take much sperm to get pregnant, just need some high quality stuff once in a while)

re: stop doing anything sexual = waste of time, as you well know you should be spending your time with someone that's going to reciprocate your advances. You stop doing sexual things, and you're friend zoning yourself, it doesn't matter how many times you've fucked her before. Girls will sometimes fuck a reasonable quality orbiter when they're horny and lazy, that doesn't mean they'll keep fucking him. Boyfriend to orbiter can happen surprisingly quickly.

re: sex drive - this one is a tough call, but my experience is that many women have a high sex drive, and can keep it up over long periods of time with appropriate care and maintenance, and if done properly their sex drive can even increase. Sounds like you were lulled into complacency and compliance by the honeymoon phase, which seems like it was fairly extended since you guys are still pretty young and she was a virgin.

I apologize for my ramblings but there they are - I only offer a small piece of the puzzle, and I accidentally dropped it in the mud first. This is essentially the frame I have used in my current relationship and it took me a while to figure it out - I didn't do it as cleanly as I have outlined above, but the gist was the same - 'my loyalty is strong, but contingent. When you do not reciprocate my thoughts and actions naturally drift elsewhere and I do not enjoy your company when I am in that state. I'm a dude and if you want to interact with me like a normal human being we're going to have to smack the meats together first.' The problem is that you likely have been far too compliant up to this point and she won't take you seriously, or doesn't place a high enough value on you for this to work. Best case she re-evaluates and assigns you a higher value, worst case you now have the time to go fuck other women that aren't being a big pain in your ass. It's really a win-win for you. The sooner you completely write her off the more likely you'll get what you're looking for, but at that point you ideally do not care.

Personally I feel going for the 'open relationship' that wasn't that way from the start is a beta move. You communicate that you aren't willing to give her up yet and you'll let her go fuck other guys, which makes her view you as lower value. If she agrees to it and you're the only one screwing around, it might make her re-assess your value assuming you bag a girl or two that's as hot or hotter, but even then she's likely going to be resentful, uncomfortable, and distrustful. My experience is that most 'poly' arrangements auto-beta the males involved - it demonstrates that they don't value themselves highly enough to demand exclusive sexual access, and demonstrates that they have difficulty with commitment and loyalty (in other words, emotionally immature).

good luck, you are at a point in your relationship that if handled properly could make it last much, much longer, or if not done so well it will just fizzle out
It's not a threat if you mean it. Only little boys threaten, a dude that still has his balls will say what he's going to do, and then he'll go and do it. You never know if it's too late until you shit or get off the pot.

I wish everyone all the best, including this girl we're talking about, who despite what she's saying, sounds like she needs some (quality) dick right about now!

_________________
I'm not an afc
I'm not a pua
I'm just a dude, like you

So i had the talk with her.I followed Krular's advice. I told her she is not meeting my needs, and i don't feel like making me happy is a priority in her life anymore. She said okay, i agree lets do it. She came onto me, thought it was going well, in the middle of sex, she started crying. Fucked up. I think im going to maybe suggest a break.

Thank you for all the posts. Themagicalone i agree, but after yesterday im fucking confused. @Evilknievel, i think thats a good idea, and you are right, it would be ahrd getting over her and thinking of other guys fucking her, because she was a good lay. But the attention from other girls is killing me, i miss the feeling of her desiring me. And i don't think i want to stay in a relationship without passion or spontaneous fun.

Wow, defenestration, that post was gold. Thank you. I will definitely apply a lot of what you said!

Woooowwwww, pity this happened to you man. Ugly moment. One time exactly one year ago I had this super hot girl and she was not sexual at all after some point and one time I had to withdraw 5' after we started and tell her to dress up, that's how cold she was and she was doing it only to make me shut my mouth. I don't know, for me pushing a woman to do it doesn't feel good. When I read that she agreed and she came on you I knew exactly what the next sentence would be.

Thinking about other guys, I also know because I separated from this hottie I wrote above and the idea kills me also because apart from being very beautiful in addition I had feelings for her but the truth is it's all about our ego and nothing else, and a big ego is not a good thing... if she doesn't like to be with you, don't think of the other guys: go away and if she really wants you she will look for you and if she doesn't want you you don't want her either. If she doesn't want you, it's her call who she will be f***** with. I'm telling you so I can listen myself, don't take it as teaching.

Did you ask her exactly what she was thinking or feeling at the time that she cried? Women has all the crazy emotional stuff that goes along with sex. But there could be a number of emotions that hit her when she started crying in the middle of sex. Especially right after you told her she wasnt meeting your needs.

Examples:
Fearing loosing you.
The thought of you being with another woman.
The thought of the relationship coming to an end, and this time being one of the last times you two would have sex.

Rather you two stay together or end up breaking up. This would be a good learning opportunity.

I just went through this issue -sweet girl but I started noticing masculine
Traits. I was with her for a total of 1 year. She never from the start gave me enough sex
I mean in the beginning it was like once A week if that. It was never like multi times in a week
But it was enough to make me not get sick of it and always wanting more. Then she went on birth
Control and it went downhill fast- to the point that I broke up with her. She cried and bugged me everyday
To get back with her and she blamed it on the birth control. So I was like ok get off birth control I'll give u a chance. So I did- she would make sure I got sex 1 day a Week again but it wasn't like I felt
She was hungry for it. Then 4 months later it went down to 1 or 2 a month.
She started not making efforts to see me and then started blamin her lack of sex drive on how I treated her supposedly-I have been with over 100 women never had an issue.
This girl tried to control me and make me the women. I put my foot down
And said listen no sex plus not making an effort isn't a promising
Future. Especially since when u get married sex is reduced. This girl ended up
Breaking up with me on second time around. Which I realize is a good thing.
I say run away from girls that cry or don't take care of there man!!!!! This girl
Rarely dressed sexy and was always trying to control the relationship

Also I just want to say sometimes you have to be like a girl- what would a girl do
If she wasn't having sex? She would a go get it on side or b dump you fast!!!
Why do we as men allow
Girls to maintain a unhealthy trait hoping it will get better?
Us guy rat ionize by saying will she's a nice girl and I like her so my needs
Can be secondary. The flip side the minute a women's needs are not being met
They will ditch you like a bad habit. So I say in any situation
Ask yourself what would a female do and do that.

A couple questions:
- how many times a week did you have sex before and how many times now ?
- do you look after yourself ?
- are you the same guy that she fell for ?
- did you not get lazy during the relationship ?
- are you turning her on ?
- do you guys go out for a romantic date, not just home cuddling ?
- do you make her feel sexy ?
- do you flirt with her just for the sake of it ? (ie. not because you want sex but you find her desirable)
- do you talk openly about issues, problems when something comes up ?

If you had plenty of sex, but now you don't then it's definitely not about sex drive difference unless she has health issues.

The worst thing you can do is to threaten breaking up etc. You know what happens when a girl does a blowjob for you and tells to cum quicker...it just kills the mood and you don't come at all! Same here, the more you say that you need more sex from her the more it will kill her attraction for you.

The best thing you can do now is to tell her that it is ok if she doesn't feel like having sex. And when she does reject you for sex just be calm and say that's fine. Make yourself even more less available and some times don't initiate sex, pretend that YOU are tired and just give her a kiss and go to sleep! Hopefully after a few weeks her sex drive should come back.

Also make sure that the sex didn't became a routine. Have sex at random times and in random places Tease her, start having sex and then just pull out saying I'm hungry...let's go to eat!

That's what helped me to solve this problem, good luck and let us know how it goes!

P.S if you haven't read already check out Sex God Method, great book.

See her less, see if that awakens anything.