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do you know best way to go forward if i did want her back, and if not best way so say no but yr just a mate now so im treating u like just a mate etc??? both instance would help???
Well she is trying quite a bit for your attention, how long was the relationship? Chances are there's something there, particularly because you broke it off with her. And now she's noticed that your level of attention has dropped, she's curious and you need to maintain your frame.
Basically, this is what's happened so far; When you broke up with her, she realised you had control of the situation (and the relationship itself) and she wanted it back. Women are very aware of the power vacuums this causes. She wanted to get the attention she was used to because she needed self-affirmation, her social market value took a huge drop after getting dumped. Now she wants you to beta backslide into giving her a lot of attention and she's trying to do it by reminding you of her body. You've done the right thing and maintained an Alpha frame, and as a result she's trying to set up a scenario where you two can meet (i.e. the money) so that she can find out what's changed about you from the relationship you had.
If you just want to end it, I'd suggest an outing with friends. Don't game her, just keep being your best self, and let her know that the two of you can have a mature, platonic friendship. If she pushes and tries to get you alone and confess her feelings towards you, calmly say that what she's feeling is natural, but that it didn't work for a reason, and that you feel comfortable enough around her presence that you're ready to be friends again. This distances the both of you from the past relationship and justifies her feelings, while keeping it casual and asserting your frame.
Now, for the fun part. It's also the hard part, coincidentally, because you're about to go to against most of your instincts. The Pick-up Artist is always the exception to the rule. With any Tom, Dick and Harry she'd expect a lot of reaction, but you've done well up until this point.
She's still looking for self-affirmation, but give her too much contact, and she'll think she's gotten what she came for. This could be tough, especially since if you ask to see her it can come off as "How about some dick?". When she talks to you, keep it aloof and detached. The human mind wants what it can't have, and you need to keep her wondering about you. Mystery (wondering about you, not the guru) is your friend here.
I'd recommend more qualifying, mention a time and a place she can drop it off by, but mention that you're busy so you'll have to keep it short. This establishes that your time is valuable and that you know it. It also gives her the time and place to come along, without asking her out on a date. How you decide to play it is up to you, but here are a few options;
1) Around work.
This gives you the chance to demonstrate that these things come in front of her, and that you're more focused on your career than chasing exes. This also subtly communicates drive and value.
2) Around friends/one of your activities. (Allow her to join)
With this approach she has to make time to your social schedule, not hers. Getting her to quickly drop off something during a social night out with friends could turn into an invite to join, but make sure that she doesn't become the focus of the night. Don't invite her to hang out with her friends, but while she's there indirectly offer it. (i.e. "Take a seat" or, if one of your friends offers, reply with a casual non-sarcastic "Sure, take a seat." Keep the focus on yourself by working the group, show your high exclusivity and the demand for your attention and this may ramp up her attraction to you.
3) Around friends/one of your activities. (Don't allow her to join.)
This has the same approach as 2, but reinforces instead that your time is valuable and that she is only "dropping in" to your life, in a scenario completely within your control. Preferably between break time during a sport you may be involved in, or a night out with friends where you have planned activities.
4) This is the most powerful tool, but it's also a risky gambit. It's the ultimate Alpha behaviour, because it's a in the present moment sort of thing. Date other girls. She’ll either come back as a result of dread (Because you are the prize she may have lost out on) and attraction, or you’ll have gotten over her. It’s a win-win.
Just make sure that however you do this, if you recover the relationship that you
maintain your frame.
If things go back to normal, she may decide to get the upper hand by dumping you. It's a risk you might have to live with. The best thing to do, especially in this case, is to maintain your frame. If she does, onto newer and better things.
A smart man once said;
"Attention, as a reinforcer, should always be given due to something positive, or when it is needed to calibrate emotionally. Do not give it when she shit tests you, do not give it when she’s crying, do not give it when she’s yelling, do not give it when she’s going ape shit, do not give it when she’s holding out on secks, and do not give it when she’s trying to start a fight."
One last thing; I want you to think about the relationship. And I want you to ask yourself these questions;
Why did it not work?
Why did I decide to end it?
What am I trying to achieve by getting back into a relationship with her?
If the answer to that last question is sex, or that you think that she's the best option, then don't do it. You're at the edge of a long jump and your frame is your parachute; but aim badly and you may end up in shit.
Harkness.
CHAT
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