Heywood Fucks up.

So, I planed ahead early in the week, to see my adult daughter and her husband, this weekend, she lives about 4 hours away.

The plan is to do some heavy duty handyman kind of stuff. Scheduled to leave Saturday morning. No big deal right?

I tell 2 FWBs and my LDR the plan, simple enough, I’ll be busy.

I figure I’ll have dinner and drinks at the pub Friday night, turn in early, get some rest.
Yeah RIGHT.

Friday 5pm LDR Calls all in tears, her dog of 14 years is very I’ll. She had to take it to the animal hospital, it will need expensive SPAM that may not work anyway. I am not a heartless douche, I console her, discuss plug pulling options vs expense. I said I would be by my phone if needed.

Got to the gym, there is FWB, “Can I come over, please, please, please?” Figuring I’d be done with dinner, and doggie drama by then I said “Well text at 9:30 see where I’m at, you can’t stay long I have to leave early.

Get showered up, ready to head to eat, LDR calls, “doggie is much better. I’m going to bed early, talk to you tomorrow.” I think to myself “Heywood you are the shit, drama is done, you get to have relaxed dinner, and a piece of ass before bed….nice!”

Not so much luck!

I’m at the pub eating, HB9 young friend stops in, has a quick drink with me, “I haven’t seen you in forever, can I come over for a drink from here?”

So of course I think “FWB 8 or HB9…?” I know I know stupid move, NEVER DROP A CERTAIN FOR A POSSIBLE!
But that’s exactly what I did…errugh! I text FWB, “Not tonight tired!” she complains and bitches a little, but accepts.

I go back to my place to meet up with HB9, and MURPHY’S law prevails, she has in tow, her new BF she has been dying for me to MEET….FUCK!

So as they are slopping up my good liquor, I’m being polite, and FWB starts sending NUDES of what I am MISSING….FML! I talk her into meeting Sunday on my return.

I have a couple drinks with the lovebirds, bla! And excuse myself to bed.

Saturday, chat with LDR while driving 4 hours, dog is doing horrible turns out hospital mixed up info with another dog! More crying, more consoling.

Arrive at noon, put in a 8 hour for contractors day! Tired they offer to take me out to dinner, a bright spot in my day!

We get cleaned up, they take me to the coolest sports bar ever! Lots of eye candy floating around! But I’m tired, they are tired, we decide to head home…fine.

As we go to leave, a table of about 6 hails us over, they were old collage mates of my daughters husband, no big deal, we make pleasantries, three sausages, three HB9s all seemed to be couples. So I took the queue to go have a smoke outside while they said hello.

Out the main entrance I lean on a pole near an ash bin, enjoying my smoke, thinking “I’m tired let’s just fucking GO!”. Just then a striking brunette HB8 pops out wearing black yoga pants, and a clingy black top.

She has a smoke in her hand, she locks eyes looks down my body and then back up to my eyes, she quickly puts her hand in her pocket of her top, and says right at me “Oh My” and beelines to my “bubble area” then she says blushing “You don’t happen to have a light do you?” as I’m obviously smoking.

I think “Jackpot!”

I say “Oh came out to hang with the cool kids?” She says “It’s been a while since I was one.” Eyelashes fluttering. I say “Sneaky ice breaker you've got, putting your lighter back in your pocket.”
She blushes slightly, a little idle chit chat, all going well.

My daughter sticks her head out, “We are staying for another drink they are waiting to meet you!!”
I excuse myself, saying we need to continue this, she agrees, I go back in.

Notice anything wrong??

I FUCKING FORGOT (Pussy’ed out? Tired? What?) TO GET HER NUMBER!! WTF??!

Oh well back inside; get intro’ed to the HBs as DAD, not Heywood Fuck!

I’m gazing around sipping my Manhattan, not listening to collage humor I was no part of…ZZZzzzz.

I look over and two of the HBs are looking at me (next to my daughter) whispering. Daughter is chuckling,
Daughter says “They want to know if you work out, and if I know I’m hot?” BRIGHT SPOT!!

As evening carries on I notice one of those two eye-fucking me. Unbuttoning her shirt, exposing GLORIOUS side boob! and or cleavage depending on angle. She closes in and even shares the same chair as my daughter. My daughter whom would almost NEVER do this, COCK-BLOCKS her hard and swift!!

I let it go….she is my kid after all else!

Turns out “DD” used to date her hubby. SHIT!

Sunday, I complete my duties as a good Dad, excited to get home and get rid of this waxy buildup in my nether regions.

I get home just walk in the door, 8pm. Text from (you guessed) FWB. “Can I come over? I need to know early!”

I reply, “9:30 I need a shower, I just walked in”

FWB “OKAY!! See you then.”

9pm my son calls, “Broke down, need rescue, everything is closed!” FUCKING PURPLE FUCK FUCK!!

Cancel FWB!

I go to rescue Son.

LDR Calls, Fucking dog dies, sobbing and consoling next two hrs.

FWB is PISSED “I was on my fucking WAY!”

Me “Sry family 1st”

FWB “Grrrrr”

Have not heard from her since.

Mostly ranting here, but as you can see, no matter how good you think you've got it lined out Asshole Karma, has got to exact revenge once in a while to keep you in line.

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.