"Day 1.
1. money in the bank
2. Having the day off today
3. Warm clothes

Day 2

Day two says to think of a moment in time when you were really happy about something and that it doesn't matter what that was or why you were happy. Any moment will do as long as you were happy and you need to hold on to those moments to keep the happiness with you.

Then relive that experience and afterwards write it down.

When I got my first skateboard in the mail. It was a Zero and it was the single skull deck. It had pink wheels... I wanted white, but the pink wheels looked night. I went out and skated all day and the board was very responsive. It was brand new. I started doing nollies that day too.

Day 3. Think of your future and what you want it to be like.
imagine how to be happy, what things have gone right?
What have you accomplished?

write down your future and what it will be like as you accomplish your goals.
write a description of what it will be like. In order to be happy you'll have to have a bright future.

I'm living in a mansion with a race track in my back yard, a skate park, a dirt track, dune buggies, atv's, dirt bikes, a dodge viper, tampolines, a giant swimming pool, a soccer filed and more. I have a room for playing video games. I have all sorts of hot chicks over all the time who want to fuck me. I've got my own businesses I own and I'm making money off that shit and don't need to work for anyone. I live a life free where I do what I want when I want and don't need to deal with anyone else to go and do that.

Day 4.
think about someone special in your life. How much you care about them and how they impacted your life, how much they mean to you.

in order to understand the value they hold in your life write a short letter to them. Describe how much they mean to you, how much you care, and how they impacted your life.

Yeah... this one is still difficult. Seriously...

um....

Dear Coach Johnson,
I remember when I joined the track and field team as a freshmen in high school. I didn't care so much about track I just wanted to be in shape for football. You always pushed me to go further than I thought I could. You always told me I could win if I tried. You were one of the first people in my life to give me positive reinforcement and tell me I can do things so I showed up to practice everyday and I respected you for your coaching. You always cared about all of us and did your best to lead the team, that's why we went to state every year and why we went there even after you left for the higher paying job. We were still doing as you coached us to do and not so much what our new coach said.

To this day when I teach other people how to do anything I try to do it like you did it. If they start giving in and giving up I tell them to get up and try again, that they can make it and they will do it, but they gotta press on. Just the way you did. When I'm doing anything from playing video games, skateboarding, to tennis or even a game of monopoly I think of it the same way. I can do this, I just gotta press on and keep trying.

I wish you well, where ever you are now. You've been a great inspiration in my life. They way you've trained me I try to train others and they thank me sometimes and I tell them, always, that I learned to teach that way from my first coach and he's deserves their thanks.

-Nick


Day 5.
Think back to the past 7 days and think of 3 things that went incredibly well and think of why those things went so well. Then write them down with a brief description of why they were awesome....

1. I met some guy on the bus rolling himself a joint and asked if I could buy $5 off him. He gave me what looked like $10 and took $5 from me. It worked out cause I'd been looking for weed and couldn't find it all week.

2. I found a new cologne that I like. I'd been wanting to get new cologne for a while. I just didn't bother looking for it.

3. I opened up a new bank account. This is good cause I don't have to pay to cash my checks and I can save money now.
"


Day 1... things I'm happy for.
1. Running water in the house.
2. Living in a house that protects me from the elements
3. Having heat in the house

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

I am exhausted and irritated.
When I try to learn PU I end up with some bullshit and a shit ton of hot air and I'm not sure what is and isn't good material. I don't know who's trying to scam me and who's legit putting out good information and they're ALL asking for money.

I don't know where to fucking start anymore.
I hung out with some girl on Tuesday. By the time I left all I got was a hug. Sure we talked for hours and hours and it was fun. I'm starting to like her and I mentioned I liked her to her and she said to calm down and she doesn't like to feel pressured into giving a response to that sort of thing and to just take it easy and things will probably work out...

This is fucking with me. I guess I've been in this spot before in the past too many times and it ends bad every time. I'm not sure what to do differently. I used to just take it easy and I'd end up as just friends. Then a few times I ended up having sex early on and that being all I got from it or trying to have sex early on and then getting rejected. I'm starting to like her too. Which is the worst, because I act fucking stupid when I like a girl.

I haven't bothered talking to her much sense she said that. I don't know what to say anymore and I don't want to like her. I want to just forget she exists and move on... but I don't even know how to move on.

I went back to OKCupid and felt a bit depressed. My inbox, as usual, is empty. I don't know what's wrong with my page or what I say. I don't know how to fix my profile to get better results and I can't find any material to help out in that area either.

I've tried, at this point, about 7 different copy and paste messages. None of them worked really. I lost count of how many times I sent them out and I haven't gotten many responses.


At the bar on Tuesday night after I left I was talking to these two girls. I said hello and I don't remember what after that, just that they started ignoring me and I didn't know why. So I moved on and went somewhere else and all the girls at this other bar were taken. So I just drank a few drinks and while telling a joke the bartender got angry at me, so I left and went home.

I went back on OKC and just didn't have the energy for that sorta thing so I played videogames all night and went to sleep.



Each day I tend to have more and more resentment and hatred towards women. I don't understand why the fuck they make shit as difficult as they do. Why I have to do some stupid fuckign monkey dance just to say hello. And it's frustrating trying to figure out what the fuck I'm supposed to do in the first place. I don't know how to build attraction or comfort or anything. I'm really tired of trying to figure this out and not getting any results or seeing anything different ever happen.


And I'm very unhappy with life right now thinking that I'll never have anyone. So I just need to focus on how to be happy while I'm alone. I should leave the house less and talk to people less. I don't know what to do really. Apparently no one likes me.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

While talking to my fuck buddy I asked if she was free today [this was last night I asked]. She said she's got kids all day but she's free and I said "Well I guess hooking up is out of the question."

Then she got upset and flipped out on me for asking her to come over and have sex with me.
Me... I was very irritated with this and told her "Last time we had sex YOU asked ME if I wanted to have sex. Now you're telling me that it's NOT OKAY if I do THE SAME THING YOU DID. This is by no means COOL. I hate double standards, don't talk to me anymore if you want to act like it's fine for you to do things to me that aren't okay for me to do to you. Goodnight."

Then she kept messaging me some nonsense. However I didn't bother to read any of it. It was on face book where this convo took place. Now she's pissed and acting as if she has the right to be pissed at me but I don't have the right to be pissed at her and she keeps texting me nonsense...

So I keep ignoring it all. I don't have time for that shit, there are other girls out there and I didn't even like her that much in the first place.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

"Day 1.
1. money in the bank
2. Having the day off today
3. Warm clothes

Day 2

Day two says to think of a moment in time when you were really happy about something and that it doesn't matter what that was or why you were happy. Any moment will do as long as you were happy and you need to hold on to those moments to keep the happiness with you.

Then relive that experience and afterwards write it down.

When I got my first skateboard in the mail. It was a Zero and it was the single skull deck. It had pink wheels... I wanted white, but the pink wheels looked night. I went out and skated all day and the board was very responsive. It was brand new. I started doing nollies that day too.

Day 3. Think of your future and what you want it to be like.
imagine how to be happy, what things have gone right?
What have you accomplished?

write down your future and what it will be like as you accomplish your goals.
write a description of what it will be like. In order to be happy you'll have to have a bright future.

I'm living in a mansion with a race track in my back yard, a skate park, a dirt track, dune buggies, atv's, dirt bikes, a dodge viper, tampolines, a giant swimming pool, a soccer filed and more. I have a room for playing video games. I have all sorts of hot chicks over all the time who want to fuck me. I've got my own businesses I own and I'm making money off that shit and don't need to work for anyone. I live a life free where I do what I want when I want and don't need to deal with anyone else to go and do that.

Day 4.
think about someone special in your life. How much you care about them and how they impacted your life, how much they mean to you.

in order to understand the value they hold in your life write a short letter to them. Describe how much they mean to you, how much you care, and how they impacted your life.

Yeah... this one is still difficult. Seriously...

um....

Dear Coach Johnson,
I remember when I joined the track and field team as a freshmen in high school. I didn't care so much about track I just wanted to be in shape for football. You always pushed me to go further than I thought I could. You always told me I could win if I tried. You were one of the first people in my life to give me positive reinforcement and tell me I can do things so I showed up to practice everyday and I respected you for your coaching. You always cared about all of us and did your best to lead the team, that's why we went to state every year and why we went there even after you left for the higher paying job. We were still doing as you coached us to do and not so much what our new coach said.

To this day when I teach other people how to do anything I try to do it like you did it. If they start giving in and giving up I tell them to get up and try again, that they can make it and they will do it, but they gotta press on. Just the way you did. When I'm doing anything from playing video games, skateboarding, to tennis or even a game of monopoly I think of it the same way. I can do this, I just gotta press on and keep trying.

I wish you well, where ever you are now. You've been a great inspiration in my life. They way you've trained me I try to train others and they thank me sometimes and I tell them, always, that I learned to teach that way from my first coach and he's deserves their thanks.

-Nick


Day 5.
Think back to the past 7 days and think of 3 things that went incredibly well and think of why those things went so well. Then write them down with a brief description of why they were awesome....

1. I met some guy on the bus rolling himself a joint and asked if I could buy $5 off him. He gave me what looked like $10 and took $5 from me. It worked out cause I'd been looking for weed and couldn't find it all week.

2. I found a new cologne that I like. I'd been wanting to get new cologne for a while. I just didn't bother looking for it.

3. I opened up a new bank account. This is good cause I don't have to pay to cash my checks and I can save money now.
"


Day 1... things I'm happy for.
1. The opportunity to read about most things in depth on wikipedia
2. Nihilism, but it doesn't matter
3. The cheap wine I bought

Day 2

Day two says to think of a moment in time when you were really happy about something and that it doesn't matter what that was or why you were happy. Any moment will do as long as you were happy and you need to hold on to those moments to keep the happiness with you.

Then relive that experience and afterwards write it down.

On my sisters 14th birthday I was 10 years old. For her birthday my dad, who worked at the FAA [Federal Aviation Administration] had a buddy who owned a plan and took us [my older sister, older brother, mom, and 1 year old younger brother] to go for a joy ride with this guys plane.

When it was my turn to go up in the air I was sitting in the co-pilot seat alone with this friend of my dads and we were high in the sky. Thousands of feet into the air, yet below radar in the free fly zone. He told me I could fly if I wanted to. I jumped at the chance and grabbed the steering column and he explains left and right rolled and down went up and.... while he was explaining I was flying around anyway and he stopped and said "Seems like you already understand how to fly this thing." and laughed a little bit. He asked how I knew how to fly a plane and I said "I played a video game. Not one of the ones with fake controls. You know where left and right make you roll and pull back and you auto straighten out afterwards. It was a.... umm... simulation game where you drop bombs and shoot down other planes and stuff." He laughed and said "That's pretty much what they make us do before we step into a plane." He let me fly a little more and then he said I could try a loop if I wanted. I tried, but we ended up stalling, so he took the controls and fell down into a nose dive then up into a loop and did a barrel roll while looping.

It was so much fun. Then we landed the plane and he said I should learn how to fly.


And that was the only time I've ever been in an airplane. Probably the most fun I've ever had in my life.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Saturday, April 13th 2013.
Amy was going to be at the bus stop at 3:30.

*sigh* Rewind back to about 2009 or was it 2010. It's all rather foggy these days...
I went to a coffee shop, Common Grounds, in cleveland [I'm sure it's been mentioned before in my journal here]. I was a regular at this shop.

One day I'm up there and my friend Mike is too. There's construction being done outside [all down Lorain st] to take away the red bricks they had for a sidewalk [it was unknown to us why or what it was being replaced with... and well no one really seemed to care anyway].

There was this girl on her laptop with Red hair. I thought she was cute and Mike and I wanted to play Hackey sack and he thought she was cute too. We didn't have one, so we asked her if she did. She didn't either, but I asked her if she had paper and tape. I mean she WAS doing homework. She had paper, but no tape. However the bartender [coffee barista I guess] had tape. So I folded the paper into a box, then used the dirt outside near the construction to fill that box, then used the tape I got from the bartender at the time to seal it closed. Mike and I played hacky sack and then this redhead comes outside and plays with us for a little while and tells us her name is Amy and she goes back inside and does her homework.

She was pretty cool, but I was feeling really shy at the moment. Eventually she left and went home. She wasn't a regular and I figured I'd never see her again... oh well.


A few months passed and I ran into her while she was with her friends. They were about to drive through the metro parks and smoke green things. I had ran into them down the street from the coffee shop at the Basken Robins/dunken' Doughnuts. All of them were girls and they offered for me to ride with them. So I did and I was sitting next to Amy in the car and was too shy to do anything other than simply be friendly and polite. I felt a bit nervous too. They dropped me off at Common Grounds and I played video games with my friends and they were hula hooping out back. I watched for a moment then just went back in to play more video games. And off they went... again I figured I'd never see her again and oh well...


As time passed on [more than a year] I lost my job, my sister kicked me out of my house. I wandered alone and homeless throughout Cleveland looking for a place to rest my head, food, and a job to get me out of this whole mess. I ran into Amy once or twice while I was on the run trying to get shit together... And, well I didn't bother to talk for too long. I had more important things on my mind.

At some point My friend Jeff and I ran into this guy, "Skelly" [Real name: Joshua Stafford a member of the "Cleveland 5" who, Allegedly, attempted to blow up a bridge with fake C4 they bought off an under cover FBI agent at the Occupy Cleveland movement in 2012... Maybe I'll mention why I don't entirely buy everything the news says about it and why that all seems rather shifty and suspicious to me another time. Right now this isn't what the stories about]. Jeff and I were both homeless and Skelly offered us both a place to "crash".

We cleaned up his house. We ended up staying for quite a while. At some point I went out and got food stamps, kept up my search for a job [which is REALLY FUCKING HARD WHEN YOU'RE HOMELESS!!!], and helped maintain peace in his house [Kicking people out who're disrespecting skelly or trying to eat up all our food or causing problems, while introducing him to people who I knew would pay rent and clean just like me].

At one point Skelly started fucking this girl Christin, Amy's best friend. One day when she came over I remembered her and she remembered me. I mentioned that I liked Amy but had always been way too shy to say anything. She told me Amy was single. Yet still I didn't bother going out of my way to seek Amy out... I had more pressing concerns... like getting a job. I mean I was donating plasma twice a week back then.

One day Skelly snapped on me. I knew he was on SSI for a mental disorder. Never knew what disorder... still don't. I knew he was a bit nihilistic about the system and how everything works. I knew a lot about him. I knew he might flip out some day too. I just never really thought it would be an issue if he did. But the day he snapped it was because one of his friends was wearing too much cologne. And I tried to be civil and tell it to the guy politely. The guy got angry and Skelly said "shut up before I make you shut up." I laughed and said "There's nothing you can do to make me shut up, Skelly." I was laying down at the time and Skelly jumped on top of me and started punching me in the face [Guy doesn't follow throw much with those punches... A little more follow through and they might sting a little.]. I flipped him over and got behind him and put him in a sleeper and said "Either you calm down or I'll make you calm down. After you calm down I'm packing my things and I'm leaving. I wont call the cops. I wont even tell others what happened. I'll be gone and that will be the end of it."

He calmed down and I started packing my things when he hit me in the face with a 1x2 [like a 2x4, only smaller]. Smelly kid with too much Cologne grabbed the piece of wood from him and skelly grabbed a curtain rod and swung that at me. I blocked it with my arm [still fucking hurt], then disarmed him and threw the rod into the kitchen and left while saying "Whatever bitch, hope you have fun getting pounded in jail!" or something along those lines to which he responded "That's sexual harassment there, you might go to jail." I laughed hysterically and said Calmly "Slut I didn't put any marks on your faggoty ass face. You look like you're in tip top condition to suck all cock you can to your hearts content and take it straight in the ass just how your faggoty ass dad used to when you were little. Oh, and you're a slutwhorefaggotcocksuckingdiseased piece of shit. When the cops see my face and then see yours they wont give two fucks if I've been 'sexually' harassing you or not. By the way, fuck you slore, I'm out. Have fun getting pounded in the ass when you're in prison."

And so I went and called the cops. They showed up saw my face and found Skelly and knew him by name. He told them I tried to break into his house and they said "You're on record for lying to the police on more than 9 occasions, we don't believe you."


I stayed at a Neon light shop for a while. While living there with Dana [the owner of the shop, who I'd met a few years back] I met this guy Ed. Me and Ed kept bumping into each other everywhere. He worked at Walgreens. I'd see him there and crack a joke and he'd say one back and it was usually pretty funny. Then I saw him at the Library getting comic books as I was getting them. We exchanged facebooks at some point. While I was living at the shop Ed told me that he didn't really know anyone in the area and apparently I was his only friend.

I took him to common grounds one day and introduced him to a bunch of people. I'd go to his place and hang out all the time and when I got money we'd go out and he'd show me places to pick up chicks and such. And we'd do pretty well as far as meeting them went. I was generally happier then.

And then my friend Aaron offered for me to stay at his place when he heard about what happened with Skelly. I said, sure. Aaron and me are like Oil and Vinegar. We go great together and actually are really good friends. We just don't mix very well. He's mock my monotone voice sometimes. I mean at first everything was really cool, but well, sometimes he's too verbally abusive and irrational about things. But I'll get to that later. For now, let's just say the main issue was that I didn't have a key to his house and he didn't want to leave it unlocked so I had to make sure I was home at certain times.


The voice of sorrow... I guess that's what I can call my normal tone of voice these days. Well, most of my life. I never put much thought about it. How when I'm happy and cheery my voice my change but it still has underlying tones of sadness and apathy. I speak monotone and find it difficult to speak any other way.


I ran into Amy one day. I don't remember where. But when I saw her I asked for her phone number and we hung out and chatted for a while. Then I was on my way to the gym one day when I asked if she wanted to hang out [fucking finally]. She said yes and told me where she lived and what time to come over.

I was really really happy about this! I ran into Ed and told him about this girl and how happy I was cause I really really liked her. He said he was happy for me and all that jazz and me and him hung out then I went home to Aaron's house. The next day I went over to Amy's.

At Amy's house we watched a movie and her Younger brother came home and was bummed out cause he wanted alcohol and the guy who was buying it for him was MIA. So I got him some booze and he gave me some money for it. Then him and his friends left and me and Amy were watching some movie downstairs.

We got really trashed and I kissed her for the first time [which made me really fucking happy]. And we're making out and then I asked her out and she said yes. We went up to her room. I took her shirt off and she took off mine... but then she started getting all insecure about how her breasts looked. I told her they were fine and I thought she was sexy and then gently rubbed them. She said she was feeling uncomfortable and that her ex had told her they looked weird. I wasn't really sure what to do to get what I wanted [to not just fuck her, but have her feeling batter and WANT to fuck me too] in this situation. I didn't want to pressure her into doing anything she didn't want to, especially not when we're both drunk so I helped her get dressed and we laid there and cuddled for a bit.

Then it was time for me to go home. When I got home Aaron wasn't there so I was playing Megaman 9 on the X-Box. Aaron, my gay room mate [well I guess we weren't really room mates he was just letting me stay on the couch till I got shit settled] came home and I cherrily said "Hello, how're you. How was your day, Aaron?" and he looked at me confused as hell and said "What the fuck happened to your voice? You're not monotone anymore? Where's Nick?" I was a bit confused too and said "Really? I don't have a monotone voice anymore?" and he said "No. You sound... normal. Happy too. You get laid or something?" and I said "No. I didn't get laid, but I have a girlfriend, she's awesome . Wanna play smash brothers?" And he sat down and played smash brothers with me. He didn't win a single match that day and said "What the fuck dude? You're so much better at this game when you're happy."


The next day I hung out with Amy and we went to the Metro Parks. We wondered around, climbed trees, laughed and told jokes and acted like little kids. It was loads of fun. We went up to common grounds that day and then I walked her home. We didn't have sex and I didn't really care either. I was happy either way. Every kept telling me that I was different. They weren't really sure if I was the same person.


Me and her hung out the day after that and we ran into Ed. I introduced Amy to Ed. Somewhere along this day Amy told me she felt like we jumped into this relationship kinda fast and we were both drunk. She broke up with me and said "Let's just take everything slow and see where things go while we're friends." Noticeably that day she kissed me a lot less and less. Till at one point I went in for a kiss and she turned her head away from me and said no.... Whatever. Me her and Ed kept hanging out. We'd go out to the woods or wherever.

Back then I hung out with either Amy or Ed or both [usually both] when I left the house. I stopped going to commons cause most people there were pretty... eh... stupid. Well, not non-intelligent. But just assholes. Petty, selfish, insecure, blah blah blah.


One day Aaron had given me his keys and asked me to come back at a certain time for him. I told him I'm not sure if I can or want to come back at said time and I'd rather he hold on to the keys and if it's too late I'll find somewhere else to go for the night. But he insisted I take the keys. Then he said "Um... just come back whenever" [well, that's what I remember, maybe he said something else and I wasn't paying attention... I don't know].

I was with Amy and my friend Dillan at common grounds that night. I get a text from Aaron, an angry text. He says I'm kicked out. So I respond "Alright, I'll be over to drop off the keys and pick up my stuff, thanks for letting me stay as long as you did." he responds back rather angry at me again. Dillan drives me there. Dillan is a corrections officer. When I get there I give Aaron the keys and he starts screaming and yelling at me and telling me how horrible I am. I just ignore it all and pack up my things into my back pack. Then when I went to grab this huge bag of rice [which was mine that I bought and pretty much the only food I had to eat at the moment] he screams "NOW YOU'RE TAKING THE FOOD!!! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ANYTHING FOR GRATITUDE YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!" But, I wasn't eating his food and I had no money on my food stamp card and this was pretty much all I had at the moment for food while he had an abundance of food. So I ignore him and take the bag of rice anyway and then he slams me on a chair.

He starts pounding away at my face, but I have my hands up to guard the blows. I feel the fight or flight reaction all throughout my body, but I don't want to fight and I don't want to run either. I just want this to be over. Eventually he stops and gets off of me and I get up to leave and Amy and Dillan have my stuff. We walk out of the house and Dillan says we should file a police report. Amy is cuddled up next to me asking if I'm alright and if I want cigarettes or something to drink and blah blah blah. I tell her rather shakily [cause that fight or flight thing is giving me the jitters at this moment since I didn't use the energy] "I'm-m, finnne. I jusssst need sugar to rrrrrplensh what was lost..." We stop at a store and I get an Arizona Sweet tea and down it in one swift chug.

I stop shaking so much and I'm more calm now and she's asking if I want her to buy me cigarettes. I say "if you're going to buy cigs, buy the kind you want. I wont say no if you offer me some, but don't buy me a whole pack." She buys a pack of cigs and we're at the police station and Dylans talking to one of the officers [btw, yeah, it's Dylan, not dillan.... but, fuck editing...]. The officer talks to me and asks me a few questions and then I stop and say "You know... I don't really care now that I think about it."

We leave, I don't press charges. Amy's asking why and mentioned how I put Skelly in jail. I say "Well, I don't agree entirely with how much the law fucks people over. Aaron's done a lot of good for a lot of people and doesn't regularly go around attacking people. It's not very likely he will again either. I guess the situation is different. Skelly regularly robs houses when he doesn't need to and is usually looking for a fight. He doesn't learn from being put away either. I just want to go to my sisters and see if she'll let me stay over."

And so Dylan dropped me off at my sisters house. They told her what happened and Celia stopped being so mad at me and let me stay the night. Amy gave me a big hug and a kiss that night and said she hoped I felt better.

I was at my sister's for only a week. She told me in the morning that I had to leave in a week and she was only letting me stay cause I'd been attacked. It was only just to recover. I wasn't so sad though, I still had amy. And I'd eventually find a job and get out of this mess.

I ended up moving in with Ed. We went, with amy, to go look for a job. Ed had left one of his jobs and wanted a new one and knew I needed one. I got two interviews set up. I had spent the night somewhere else, other than Ed's, that night. But Ed was going to give me a ride since he had an interview that direction also. So I didn't need to ride the bus or do what I'd planned for anyway, Walk. I told him I was just going to walk there and he said not to worry about it and he'll give me a ride.

Well, he never showed up. I called him and he said he was asleep [later that day]. So I called Lowes [where I had the interview]. It was about an hour before my interview and it was going to take me an hour and a half to walk. I asked if I could reschedule. They said no, I can't and that if I don't show up on time I wont be able to reapply for 6 months [and seriously. Fucking seriously.... grrrrrr I was fucking homeless and NEEDED a job]. So I started jogging, but kept getting tired and walking. I made it there 15 mins late and was extra sweaty from jogging while wearing a dress shirt in the middle of fucking summer.

And so I was back at Ed's later and we were hanging out with Amy and kept doing so for a while. Other people he'd met from Commons were coming over and hanging out too. Everyone he was hanging out with were people I'd introduced him too.

And when one day when I went to go home the door was locked and he wouldn't answer his phone [which I could hear ringing.] I also heard people talking inside the house. That night I didn't sleep. I wandered aimlessly through the night.

I was in the Library later looking on my facebook and saw that Ed was in a Relationship now. But it didn't say with whom. I knew Amy didn't have Facebook. I tried calling Ed to see what he was up to, no answer. I went to commons and while there I ran into Remi and Remi Called Ed up to go hang out. So I figured I'd give it a try too. Ed didn't answer when I called.... I'm not stupid.

I texted Amy "Don't ever talk to me again."
And the same thing to Ed. Ed responded "Dude, you had your chance with her, but she's into me, not you. And if you try to attack me I'll get johnny law on your ass." I texted back "Go choke on a pretzel and die." and he responded, but I never read any of the responses. This was a prepaid phone I was using with money I got from donating plasma that I NEEDED to find work. Amy's response to my text was "Okay."


People from commons, except for a few, told me I was a horrible person for being angry at Ed and Amy. I told them to fuck off and that they didn't know the situation. But these were people who didn't like me anyway. I stopped hanging out up there and eventually found a job working at the winkin lizard while I lived ina Neon Light shop [which had no shower, but had a sink]. While there I kept getting written up for my hygiene. One day I stopped at my sisters house [cause she wasn't home], snuck in and used her shower and wore clean clothes and road the bus to work. When I got there one of the managers came up to me and asked where my shirt was [my work shirt] I said it was dirty and I didn't have anything clean except what I was wearing. He also told me I smelled [which I fucking didn't. Not that day]. He was making a big deal about it too and gave me some XXX work shirt to wear and had this horrible smirk on his face. I threw the shirt in his face and said "fuck you. I'm HOMELESS struggling to save fucking money and move into an apartment that has basic shit people like YOU take for fucking granted. Like a shower. And today I went way out of my way to find clean clothes, shower, and spent a little extra money riding the bus here to make sure I smell fresh. FUCK YOU!!!" I gave him the finger and walked off. I wanted to punch him in the face... but I refuse to attack someone who hasn't attacked me first... and even then I usually don't hit them.


I walked back to the Library and got a newspaper and called a few places and found a job working as a telemarketer. The thing was I worked till about 10pm on Monday-Wednesday, and I started work at 8am [and it took me an hour to get to work] on Thursday-Saturday. and the Neon light shop guy would lock the place up and not return till about 1am or 2am. So I was getting really worn out. The shop was across the street from commons. Everyday after work if it was a late shift I'd sit in the shop with headphones on, drinking a juice, and draw. I'd try to ignore everyone who was there. I didn't want to speak to anyone. "Trust" wasn't something that existed in my head anymore. People sucked. I didn't want "friends" anymore. I didn't want to feel anything for anyone anymore. I just wanted to stop being homeless.

I had saved up about $500.00 dollars and my dad gave me $500 more so I could find my own apartment. I looked and found a place near my job. It was about a 2min walk to work if I lived there. My dad Co-Signed for the apartment. The plan was I was going to pay him back in installments of $50 a month. Remi was going to be my roommate, but I made sure I didn't NEED him as a room mate. I made sure all I needed was me. I was so so close to getting this worked out. I was so close to having my own place. When we went there my dad signed something and Me, my sister, my dad, Remi, all asked at least 4 times a piece. To a point where this guy got annoyed we were asking. We asked if I needed my dad's signature on the day I pay up and move in. "No." he says. He said we're fine cause we have the signature now. We don't need it later.

And so the day came for me to move it. I went there and I had the money with me, ready to make it a money order. I was ready to to have my own place. When I say the little fucker he tells me I need my dad's signature. I said "Right now my dad is in Egypt. You told us multiple times we wouldn't need his signature today." and he said "No I told you we need him to sign today." I said "Okay, I can get him to fax a signature." and he said "that's not good enough he has to be here and sign it physically." I looked it up on my phone [no longer prepaid]. I looked up the legality of signatures and found that you can do an E-Signature and I went to show it to the manager and said "Well we can do an E-signature actually." and he said "I don't know what that is, NO, you dad needs to be here." I said "Well that's not what you said before. Before you said I didn't need it. I'm here to move into my house." and he started to tell me he didn't say that and I interrupted and screamed at the top of my lungs as loud as I could in this mans face "DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME. I'M FUCKING HOMELESS YOU ROTTEN PIECE OF SHIT. I'VE BEEN BUSTING MY ASS WHILE HOMELESS!!!! I GOT A FUCKING JOB AND SAVED UP $500 DOLLARS AND WENT OUT LOOKING FOR SOMEWHERE TO LIVE!!! DON'T YOU FUCKING LIE TO ME. IF YOU DO AGAIN I AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO LOSE RIGHT NOW AND I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU THE FUCK UP YOU ROTTEN HORRIBLE PIECE OF SHIT. EITHER LET ME IN HERE OR DO NOT SAY ANOTHER WORD TO ME. IF YOU SPEAK ONE MORE FUCKING WORD I'M BREAKING YOUR MOTHER FUCKING RIBS YOU PIECE OF SHIT." I don't remember verbatim what I said, but I'm sure it was something along those lines. I remember telling him not to speak to me anymore and that I had nothing to lose and I'll fuck him up if I hear a peep out of him. I remember that part. Needless to say, he didn't say another word to me and I didn't move in there.

I went walking around that day looking for other places to move into. I talked to lots and lots of differently people and had a few houses to check out during the week.

All of them needed me to have a co-signer or more money than I already had for a down payment. I was having a lot of trouble getting up for work and was getting really tired running around, on foot, looking for apartments and walking back and forth to work, and not having much time to sleep at the neon light shop. I asked my sister if I could stay at her place till either I saved up enough for a deposit or dad came back and could co-sign for me. She said no. I asked again and again and told her I really really needed somewhere where I could sleep and save money so I could make sure I wasn't showing up late to work and smelly and could keep my job. She said no. She just kept saying no.


A week later I got fired for my third week in a row not making enough sales. I was fine on sales when I was wide awake and well rested [mon-wed's] but my sales started to plummet on days I wasn't getting enough sleep and sometimes I'd over sleep and have to call in late. And the job was based on commision.

Still I went looking for more work. I looked for a month and couldn't find anything, and then I heard that Steak n' Shake was hiring so I went to check that out. But a bunch of people who worked there hated me cause I don't like my brother and they'd heard shit from Ed and Amy about me. And some worked with me at the winking lizard and told the boss I was smelly and lazy. I didn't get hired. I kept looking and two months passed and I couldn't find a fucking job.

I ran into Amy and just avoided talking to her. I ran into her a few times and Ed too. I'd heard they broke up... I still didn't want much to do with them, or anyone really. I started drinking a lot. Me and the light shop owner were getting trashed all the time and I got to a really low point. I couldn't find a fucking job. When everything was about to work out for me for once and I just need a little bit of help no one helped me. I hated my sister for that. I didn't think I had friends. Girls... fuck women. I hated them.

One night I was down to my last $50 and I bought NyQuil, 50g Aspirin, and some Arizona tea and Cheetos. I downed the bottle of nyquil and then downed 50g of aspirin and started deleting numbers out of my phone. Earlier that day I had texted this girl. I'd met her at a club and she was all about me when I wasn't talking to her so much. I was flirty and we'd chat back and forth and then one day when I was upset about something I was talking to her and mentioned that I liked her and she said she wasn't trying to date me and instantly stopped texting me and then told me she'd found a new boyfriend. I had this really low opinion of women [that actually hasn't completely left... they only like superficial values about a guy].

So I'm drifting away hidden in the back of this neon light shop. I figure no one is going to give a fuck anyway if I'm gone. I my stomache hurts like shit. My ears are ringing. My vision is blurry. I have little energy. And then I think of Zach, my little brother and realize he might be pretty upset by all of this. Maybe even traumatized. He's the only person I actually give a shit about back then.

So... I can't do this to him. Fall back time. I eat a very large amount of Cheetos. Stuff my face full of them. Then I wander outside behind the shop while eating more and more of them. I drink a massive amount of the Arizona tea. Then I shove two fingers down my throat and force myself to vomit. I inspect my puke and see it's got green from the nyquil, and white specs from the aspirin. I repeat the process a few more times. Then at some point I'm puking out just cheetos and arizona tea without the green from the nyquil and the white specs from the Aspirin. I stand up and still feel woozy. I rinse out my mouth and then drink all of the arizona and eat all of the cheetos. I feel better but still I feel sick. I'd looked up how much aspirin it takes to kill a person and it said 25-35grams and I'd taken 50grams [granted I puked a lot of it out].

I still felt sick.... fuck. I didn't have the resources to look up what to do if I want to live. No internet. Nor did I have the energy or time to find a place that did. I never planned to live that day. So I left the shop and called 911 and walked towards the hospital. I told them what I was wearing and that I was trying to walk to the hospital and that I needed help and I felt sick. I got picked up by an ambulance. They took me to the hospital.


Day 1.
The Dr. who saw me kept asking me a list of questions to try and figure out why I tried to kill myself [I mean it was too obvious to lie about it. And I never intended to go to the hospital, so I hadn't thought of any back up lies in case that happened. My plan was that whenever I was discovered I'd already be dead... goes to show, one can't plan too much...]. I realize he doesn't care why I did it as much as he's an angry pragmatic bastard who can't empathize and imagine what someone else feels. He doesn't understand. His speech has a lot of judgment and condescending phrases in it I remembered. So I gave him only the most basic answers to his questions.

One of them was "how many women have you slept with?" my answer was "23."
He asked me again and I said "23" again.
He stressed that he was trying to figure out why someone would want to kill their self and why I tried to kill myself and said I needed to answer honestly and asked me a third time and I said "I've already answered that question. If you keep asking I'll keep giving the same answer. If you really want to hear a different answer ask me again. Later. Much later. I'm sure the answer will no longer be 23." He asked me again and I didn't respond.

I was taken upstairs and they put an IV of saline solution in me. I thought . o O (Really.... That's it? I could've gotten gatorade and let all of this sweat out of me while I laid about doing nothing?)

Day 2. I ended up talking to the Psychiatrist. She asked me a bunch of questions and then at some point asked "Are you just giving me the right answers so you can get out of here?" and I said "If I wasn't I would say no. If I was I would say no. by the way, no I am not." and she scowled at me and said she'd have to clear me for release whenever I was down recovering.

The nurse that day was different than the previous one. The previous nurse was rather judgmental and told me I'm a quitter and said my life can't be too hard and blah blah blah. I ignored her and said very little to her.

The nurse for today was really nice to me. After chatting for a while she asked me why I was in there. I knew what she meant and I told her. well I told her some of it.... But what I told her was true and wasn't bullshit. I told her how I don't trust people anymore cause all throughout my life people have shown me no one is trustworthy and no one gives a shit about me either. That I was just tired of people and wanted to go away. She asked why I stopped and I told her cause I realized I'd be upsetting the only person I did care about.


Day 3. The nicer nurse told me in the afternoon that I was good to go finally. And so I left the hospital.

I walked over by commons and was waiting outside of it so I could go back into the neon light shop. Remi saw I had on a wrist band from the hospital and got concerned and asked what I did. I made something up, I don't remember. But he didn't buy it. He knew I tried to kill myself and said he was worried about me.

Anyhow... He told my sister, who told my dad.... thinking my dad would give me money and set me up in an apartment and blah blah blah if he heard that. I told her "Dad doesn't care about me. He never really did. He wont give me money for this. He'd give Zach money. Or You. Or Ben. He gives you guys cars and money and makes sure your rents paid. He doesn't care about me. In the past 20 years when I was homeless he wouldn't even acknowledge that. That $500 he gave me? That was cause Rene' told him he should."

My dad didn't give me squat. He did, however, try to lecture me on how killing yourself isn't an option. I cut him off and said "It's an option for everyone. Everyone can physically do this if they chose, but some refuse to acknowledge this option is there to such an extreme they can't relate to those who might chose to use that option or why someone would."

Celia let me stay at her house though. I told her "You know, I really wish you'd've done this when I had a job and was trying to move into my own fucking place." and she seemed to understand why I was so bitter and resentful about it all and didn't really get angry about me saying that.


While I lived with Celia I didn't bother talking to Ed or Amy, apparently Ed was now married to some girl named Kim. I just kept looking for work, trying to rebuild and get shit together again. Eventually I stopped being angry with Amy and she wanted to hang out with me again. I did for a while we were hanging out and then one day I told her I can't do this anymore. I can't be her friend. I feel like shit when I'm around her. I said I could forgive but it was really hard to forget.


As time passed on I eventually wound up living in Detroit [again] with my dad this time. While there my sister wanted me to help her move into a new apartment and mentioned a bunch of people were coming. I said "No, I don't want to help you. Amy might be there and I don't ever want to see her again." She said Amy might not be there and said she really needed the help. I came down to help and Amy was there.... and, like usual, I had a fucking fun time hanging out with her, but still felt kinda shitty about myself and girls in general. I figured I could just get over this.

We exchanged phone numbers and were hanging out most of the summer of 2012. And Occasionally we'd kiss. I'd go down to cleveland to see her and hang out. I asked her out and she said I lived too far away and it's not going to work. I told her I was in love with her and she said she wasn't sure how to feel about that. I really didn't want to be in love with her. I felt like life is just one sick joke. Nothing matters. There is no reason. Fate isn't real. Nihilism. There is nothing, the chips just fall where they will. Morals, fate, etc. are simply the constructs of human minds. Sometimes shit sucks. Sometimes shit's awesome. But it is what you make of it. In the end it never mattered anyway, cause everything will come to an end. Life is a joke. The punchline is that everyone and everything dies in the end.

We keep hanging out anyway. Eventually I get a bit depressed about her.
Random note: my fuck buddy hated it that I liked Amy and would tell me random shit about redheads like how they don't do well in the sun and they're usually pale and blah blah blah, which I found really childish and irritating.

When I get really depressed I stop talking to her. I feel like killing myself sorta deal. I tell her I need to take a break. I just can't do this.



So, we don't talk for a long while. And then we start talking here and there once in a while and out of the blue a few weeks ago she tells me she wants to come and visit me in Detroit. I say, sure.
She says that there's a show on the 13th [saturday] that she wanted to go to and asked if she could stay at my place. I, at this point, don't really have the energy to care. I say "sure".


So, Saturday April 13th
I'm going to meet Amy at the bus stop around 3:30...
But I'm tired of typing at the moment.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Saturday, April 13th 2013
Amy.
This girl I'm in love with. I try to forget she exist. I try to stop loving her. I try to move on. I can't. I really can't. I don't know how many girls I've slept with since I met her, but it overrides a rule I heard in pick up by a long shot. Well and idea I heard from fastseduction.com a long long time ago when I first got into the game back in 2002. *sigh* It's a bit depressing that I've been doing this that long and just haven't been able to do much with it since then.

My two obsessions in life are both social based. MBTI. Myers Briggs Type Idicator. PU. Pick up.
Both are the two things I've tried and put a lot of work into and haven't been able to use to my advantage consistently. Both revolve around socializing. In my life I find mini obsessions. I learn these things. These skill sets. I study and study and become obsessed and keep on trying and trying. And then I get really good at it. I excel and I get to a point where I can do all that I wanted from it in the first place and then some. Soccer. All I wanted was to play in high school.

Soccer was something I wanted to do when I was 9 or 10. I didn't have a team to play on and when I asked my parents they wouldn't put me on a team. I ended up in a public school in 1999. High school. I missed the first semester. I was in the 2nd semester of that school year [technically I graduated early.... but I started late... so....]. I was on the team my sophomore year. I was the absolute WORST player on the team. The WORST!!!!

That year I just wanted to play. All I wanted to do was play. I looked at the pros and cons of me as a player for this team.
Pros
-2nd faster player on the team.
-Highest stamina of any player on the team
-most accurate shots/passes [not that it mattered]*
-good teamwork

Con's
-Can't throw a legal throw-in
-Can't dribble for shit
-Slowest shot*
-slowest passes*
-wild headers
-worst trapping skills
-least knowledge of the rules
-doesn't know how to stay in position
-doesn't understand terms

That's what I wrote down on a sheet of paper for soccer.
I knew all of my Pros weren't things I needed to work out. It didn't matter if I was any faster, it wasn't going to help [not that I didn't work on that anyway, cause back then I was always trying to be faster. I mean I WAS on the track team]. Being more accurate with passing and shooting wouldn't help if there was no speed to them. and Teamwork was something that was so natural from my nature. I naturally just want people to get along and it's the way I talked to people and try to relate and get us all to see the big picture... I did work on that a bit... oddly I do this well at work and on sports teams and even in friendly situations but suck ass at picking up chicks. I'm naturally good at it.

The con's though... I remembered a practice match we played against another team. In the practice matches everyone got to play. Pre-season is a bench warmers dream. I didn't want them to be my dreams. I wanted to play all the time. I just wanted to play. One of them I threw-in for a throw-in and fucked it up. People laughed. I couldn't dribble. My shot was slow.

I worked on that during the season. I worked on it all during the off season. During the summer I met Charles Coleman. Then I was going to the gym everyday in a Racquet ball room and I'd practice throwing in my soccer ball against the wall with both feet planted on the ground till I got that down. Then after it was a no-brainer I started going for height and distance. There were two red lines. I don't know what the meant for racquet ball but they were pretty high up. One was higher than the other. I started throwing so it would hit above the low red line and come back to me. Then I moved up to the higher line and made sure it came back further. I'd do this everyday for probably 3 hours at a time. I kept at it.

Charles taught me how to shoot the ball and pass it faster. I would practice with him whenever he was free. I taught him how to run faster. We'd train together nearly everyday. We'd go for runs and I'd teach him proper form and breathing. Then we'd kick the ball and he'd teach me proper form and foot placement. He also showed me how to trap the ball. I also showed him the runners starting position and how to figure out which leg goes first. He showed me how to dribble better.

We'd go to the college gym and I'd sneak him in and we'd train in Martial arts and soccer and work out and all sorta of other shit.

That summer I got so much better at soccer.

Jr. year came.
During the first practice the first time the ball went out of bounds the coach said "Does anyone on the team have a good throw in." I was over by the ball before anyone could say anything [faster player on the team at that point, I'd surpased Brad Hodge, the previous fastest player, in speed]. I pick up the ball and waited for the reaction. Some looked in shock that I, of all people [the one they laughed at during the practice game last year], would rush over to the ball so quickly. They all came close thinking I'd have a horrible throw in. But my coach waited in anticipation looking to see what was going to happen. He had a look that wasn't of doubt nor that he felt I was going to awe him. A look that said he really wasn't sure what was going to happen, while my teammates all seemed to think I would fail as usual. Out of spite I threw the ball over all of their heads far far away. The ball flew above everyone's head. It soared in the air and landed behind everyone on the field and bounced out of bounds. This was in practice and we were on teams, shirts vs skins.

I fucked up. I threw over everyone's head. I threw the ball back out of bounds. It was Shirts ball now. I was on Skins. It didn't matter. I proved my point to all: I can throw the ball in further than anyone on this team. No one can do what I just did. Everyone knew why I fucked up. They knew I over threw it on purpose. They knew what the coach said everyday in practice "Never let someone throw the ball in over your head." They knew. Also if you had the ball thrown over your head during practice you had to do 20 push-ups. That day the coach told everyone to do 50. He did them with them and said it was for doubting me.

Later that day we did our usual shots on goal. The shots on Goal are practice for us doing shots and for the goalie to block shots. All of us line up and shoot the ball and try to score while the goalie is trying to stop us. Tony Howel blasted a shot and it was blocked. Brad Hodge shot an accurate shot to the corner that went in. 9 more shots of various speeds and accuracies, all blocked and it was my turn. I shot probably 90mph, a curve ball. David Loftis was confused. He didn't expect it. No one did. It went in. Everyone stopped and looked at me in shock. The curve was a Right curve.

We did this for about 20 shots. The next time I shot a left curve. Went in. Then a knuckle ball. Then I started playing mind games and switching it up. I made 17 of my 20 shots. Everyone was in awe. Brad hodge made 16.

But then there was the in game practice and I wasn't the best at dribbling. I had great trapping, great team work, wonderful defense. But my dribbling was so poor I sat the bench most of the season. Then next year I worked on that.


This. This was something that by the time I was a senior I was so great at I just got bored of it. I started every game. I got to play. I got what I wanted. I was done.

Social skills.... I haven't mastered it yet. I just.... it's different. I guess I'll mention Saturday the 13th another day.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

I'm really fucking tired of girls and bothering to try and find that special someone for my life. Or even just getting laid. I'm about to buy a sketch book and write my life out in comic book form. But the most fun part is where is shows what I'm imagining during certain points in time.

I want to make the color schemes get darker and more depressing during all the sad and dark points of my life and then bright and cheery and colorful whenever I'm happy. Cause it's just how I imagine things.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

yesterday...
Saturday April 20th 2013

Well.... Friday... Let's start with Friday.

Woke up, blah blah blah, went to work. It sucked. yadda yadda. Funny jokes here and there, stupid customers, me doing shit I hate like talking on the phone. It was the day after Amy left.

I come home from work and I'm talking to this girl I like. I liked her a lot and all that jazz. I don't remember what I said exactly.... doesn't really matter though cause I seem to understand how I fucked up. But I fucked up and now she says she's not interested in dating me whatsoever and I thought how when I care I care a lot and I don't know how to not care. It definitely shows. Don't know how to turn it off. I also thought about this: I met her maybe a month ago and she's fucking cool and all that, but now I've fucked it up. Before her the last time I met a girl I really liked was December. I fucked that up to. Point being it's rather loooong periods of time in between me meeting girls I'm really all that into.

And that I always fuck it up. The long gaps make it hard to figure out how to deal with the situation. I can practice picking chicks up and meeting them all I want but I can't exactly force emotions.

So I was pretty upset when I went to bed that night. I drank. A lot.

I woke up, still pissed and not a bit hung over.

Saturday.
Whiile hung over and still upset I went to work and was very annoyed by the things that moderately annoy me. Like talking to idiots on the phone. I cheered up by the time I left work though.

While at work I was talking to these two girls and this guy AL, that I work with, said to them "did her tell you how he got his nick name?" I rolled my eyes and ignored him and kept talking to them and he says "They call him Nick the Quick, his ex girlfriend gave him that name." I just ignored him and kept chatting to these girls as if he wasn't there and one of them said "didn't you say you're from cleveland, how long have you been here?" I said "only about 2 months at this job and 1.5 years in Detroit." And she says "So, does he actually know any of your ex's." I laughed and said "Not really. One from Cleveland visited me for a week up here. But she didn't talk to anyone I work with. I like to keep work and play separate most times."


Later AL's talking to some dude about his business thing he's got going on cause he thinks it's a networking opportunity. Personally I think AL is good at being persistent and keeping at it sorta deal. However I feel like it's like Playstation 1's main business scheme: quantity over quality. PSX had more games for it than any of it's competitors. Sony made more exclusive deals than Sega or Nintendo. They had more third party support and in a lot of those deals part of the agreement was for the third parties to pump out games at a certain frequency. The result: A shit storm or horrible games with a lot of gems hidden in the all that shit. It worked. A lot of people like shitty games.

AL... Well he's trying to get clients by talking to everyone all the time everywhere whenever. He does the same with girls. He just keeps at it. He doesn't spend a whole lot of time checking his methods as much as he does checking his opportunity to talk sorta deal. He seems to value having his voice heard by the masses more than refining his voice. Which works for McDonalds. However they aren't exactly praised for their gourmet selection of fine dining options nor their clientele.

So, this guy AL's talking to is a customer of mine. I work the fucking register and he's a fucking driver. Me and AL have an agreement that's unwritten, but I feel he don't quite get it. Here's how I understand it: Chicks come in that Al finds attractive and I do NOT find appealing. I do what I can to help him get his. Things like say two girls order for dine in and I'm technically supposed to bring their food to their table, NOT AL. I'll hand the food to Al and he'll bring it to their table and chat with them.

I don't think Al understands that these are just girls I'm not interested in. If I WAS interested in them I'd alternate and tell him "Hey, it's my turn now. You're next." Or "It's my turn and I like the one on the right so you've got the left. If I fail with the one of the right she's free game, however let's build each other up as we talk to them cause teamwork makes the dream work." But, I'm not into most of the girls I see. So I end up letting him take all the pies and he seems to think this applies to ALL the girls as if I'm just a push over to be stepped on. And that he has claim to everyone.

So dude he's talking to says something that's of my interests and of value to me. I'm at least profesional about it all sorta deal. I wont fuck up his hussle for meaningless social bs. I only interject when it will directly benefit me.

As I'm leaving work. Al says "hey nick, you remember when I was talking to that dude about my business and you intere..." I cut him off "Remember when I was talking to those two girls and you said 'you know why they call him Nick the Quick?" He pauses and looks shocked... My manager and the bouncer/security are laughing and the manager says touche' and I said "Fuck you Al. Remember, Team work makes the dream work."



And I leave.
I go to the Chamber.... fuck, that's the goth club in cleveland.... haha.
I went to City Club. As I went there I heard house music. I fucking LOVE house music. It cost me $4 to get into CC. While I was there I wasn't into the music and kept thinking of the house music. I went downstairs to smoke and tried to say hello to a few people who just brushed me off all rude like. I was thinking . o O ( What the fuck, these people are lame and rude as hell, fuck them.) and then I figured it out in an instant [probably was a build up of intuition from all the info gathered].

I walked outside the hotel entrance of CC and I was at the entrance to a $20 rave show that had no security playing at the moment. Fucking sweet. I walked in. I noted that people all had wrist bands to show they attended. I have long sleeves that cover my wrists. I wont stand out as someone who snuck in. I can scope it out and see if that's even a big deal in the first place.

I just didn't give a fuck. I thought back to when I was little.

1988.
I was 5 years old. Naive. Carefree. Loved life. Freedom of expression seems to exist in kids more than others.
"The rubber band song". It was a the first time I heard techno. I used to dance like crazy to that. I'd move to the beat of the music. I called it the rubber band song cause the bass sounded like a rubber band. Also it jumped around a lot. I loved that song and I'd dance and dance and get lost in that song. Then there were video games that sounded a lot like it. I loved the music in those too. And later I learned about techno and loved that and discovered electronic music.

So I stopped giving a fuck. I remembered when I was 5 and used to just dance and not care who watched cause that wasn't a concept. At the show I did that. I stopped caring and just enjoyed the music. I had loads of fun. I noticed girls brushing up against me, but I just kept dancing and forgot they were there. I had too many issues with them and they ruin my fun. I was having fun and nothing would ruin this fun so I just kept dancing the night away.

A few seemed flirty. I didn't try to make a move I just wanted to fucking dance. I kept it up. I was here to have fun. I enjoyed myself having fun. and then I got tired around 6am. I left. Alone. I went to the dine in the hotel and got food. Then I road the bus home. and went to sleep. I was thinking about DEMF all night and how much fun it'll be. I wasn't thinking about girls. Just about being happy. That's all I cared about.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Also... On Saturday while at work this girl from a bar I sometimes go to ordered a pizza. I said maybe I might go to the bar and after work and she was friendly enough.

I get there and order a Vodka Martini and she says "Really, you're going to order a martini in this bar that has so much beer?" I don't respond to that. She asks what kind of vodka I want and I say skyy is fine. She brings it back and it's not all the way full and there are no olives. I order a beer when I'm done and cash out. I leave no tip on the bill and then headed out.

You can give me sluggish shitty service and I might still tip if you're polite, but you insult me no tip for you. Fuck that bitch.


Also the girl who decided she wasn't into me I tried talking to her and she called me fucking creepy. And well, I was bored. So I posted an add on craigslist with her phone number saying she's looking for a gang bang. Cause she's a fucking bitch. Fuck her.


And now I think I'm going to go drink some scotch. Never had scotch.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

an e-card I created. I'm temped to tell a girl this at some point in my life.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Today...
Prior to work I updated my OKCupid with brutally honest and very negative remarks. It paints me as someone who's lost hope in humanity and has a very cynical outlook on life. I don't know what reason I have to go on and I'm not quite sure why I'd even want to be in a relationship with anyone. I generally think people fucking suck sorta thing.

In the "you should message me if" part I wrote...
"You shouldn't.
You probably wont either."

Some girl messaged me because I wrote that there, thinking what I wrote was just a joke.


I wasn't sure what manager was going to be at work today. I was also in a very sour mood. I didn't feel like dealing with it at all. I "medicated" before I went to work... The green green.... anyway. I went to work and it wasn't so bad really. Chauva was there and he's pretty fucking cool... but Doug came in later. However I was fucking stoned and didn't give a fuck he was there, so it was alright.

After work I'm walking home when I pass this guy sitting down in the rain. He didn't look so well, so I asked if he was okay and he replied "no. I feel sick." I helped him up to his feet and he rambled on and said thank you and started telling me about some fight team he trains for kick boxing. I wasn't sure if he was making up stories or not... I got a vibe that something happened to him that night. Something bad and that's how he wound up sitting on the corner like that. But I just listened to his story about the kick boxers from virginia he trains as I walked him to the Laundromat where a friend of his apparently worked and was going to help him out.

He lectured me on going back to school. I guess he was just trying to get me to do what he hadn't, not to make his mistakes or something... but I really wasn't reading too far into it. I just wanted to make sure the guy was alright.

We get to the Laundromat and someone see's him and takes him inside. Some chick. Seems like everything's cool with him, so I went home.


Started watching more SPAM beyond [I've been watching it a lot recently]. I checked my okay cupid. Recently I've been pretty bored with it. It never actually works out for me. I've tried so many things and don't have much success and I got bored and started sending vulgar messages out like "Pardon me bitch, I was wondering would you mind massaging my balls?" I find it amusing that girls think I'm serious when I say this. Are people really that stupid? Are there guys out there who're serious when they do say shit like that? A bunch of girls flipped out on me for sending that and after I see they're just flipping the fuck out I stop reading what they have to say and say "The difference between a bad joke and 3 massive cocks seems to be you don't enjoy bad jokes very often." or something along those lines. Like "It's a joke, not a dick, don't take it so hard."

But the thing I find oddest about it is that it's the highest response ratio of any message I've mass send on that site. Why do people jump to respond to negativity? I don't really get it...


I'm still not entirely sure if I wanna give up learning how to be better with women and work on living a happy life alone. I guess I do need to just work on living alone and being happy single for a while and clear my head. But even that is proving troublesome right now.


That Chelsea girl.... Welll.... fuck it, don't feel like dwelling on it anymore. She pissed me off and I got her back and it was hilarious and now it's time to move along and do something else.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Reading...
something by Tyler Durden about defeating AMOG's...
Doesn't seem to help me out much.... I generally know how to do this anyway. When someone starts acting like a jackass around me I tend to ignore him or crack jokes at his expense until it get's old when I just ignore him.

War is something I understand. Fear tactics, etc. etc..
War is something I pretty much grew up in. Shitty parents shitty siblings people always putting me down.

Love is not what I understand.
I'd wager a guess that most guys who're naturally good with women without being an asshole are the ones who grew up in happy families with good parents.


And so I look further. I guess I should do what i do with everything else and write out a list of all the things I'm bad at when it comes to girls and try and find the answers to that.

So... let's see.
recently at the goth club I haven't had much success opening up a conversation with anyone. I'll say hello and get ignored. I'll see a group and try to talk to them and they'll ignore me. I'm not sure how to initiate the conversation at all, so I end up on the dance floor dancing or sitting in the corner by myself. Cause it seems fruitless to keep trying the same thing over and over and getting the same results.

And I don't know how to keep a conversation going or make it interesting either. So the rare times I do open up a conversation it doesn't seem to go anywhere.

Also when I get a girls phone number and I text or call her later she never seems to remember who I am.

I tried looking back to when I did get laid and figuring out how that worked out for me, but that didn't seem to help out much.


I also don't understand how things fell apart so badly with Amy when we dated and then she broke up and dated my best friend.

I don't understand how to make friends either. I don't have any right now. I'm not sure who I should trust anymore... all my friends of the past have stabbed me in the back.


I'm not sure where to start... so I'll randomly go with opening up a conversation with a girl and keeping it going and making it interesting.

Specifically in the club scene and the bar scene. Also while walking on the street somewhere.
Any help offered will be appreciated. I'm not so sure what material to read either. I have a bunch... but I'm not really sure what all I have and a lot of it focuses on specific points.

Also looking around the forum hasn't proved very useful thus far cause I end up seeing a clusterfuck of nonsense. Some guys don't know what they're talking about and some do, but I don't know shit so I don't know how to tell what is accurate and what isn't. I don't know how to weed out the bs from the real shit.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

hmmm.... Well I'm reading about compliance ladder... Oddly I already knew about it yet never bothered to really make use of it. Not readily consciously aware. I have, however, done this when angered.

I tend to be a bit more manipulative when I'm in an angry state of mind. I don't think I just act and get what I want when I'm angry or happy to high extremes. At present moment I do not feel like reading. I feel like playing Boarder lands and practicing Injustice: Gods amongst us.... okay there was a different fighting game I wanted to learn to play, but I'm doing this whole boycott thing. I'm boycotting a specific company until I see a new megaman game released [I mean, there's a pretty loyal fan base for megaman that's been dishing out cash to said company for quite a while for their products and then all of a sudden they stop making the games. The fans ask for another one and they are seemingly mocking and laughing at their fans... I refuse to buy anything of theirs until I see another mega man game (with exception of megaman games)].

Anyhow... So Amy came to visit me for about a week.

Saturday [whatever the fuck date she showed up. I mean I could look it up and figure it out, but I don't care that much.].
I walked to the bus stop to pick her up. Cause I mean, I'm in love with this girl and I live in Detroit and the bus stop is kinda weird at times. I was shocked that I just wasn't feeling much of anything anymore. I mean I love her lots and lots and really want to be with this girl and she just wants to be friends and has no interest in dating anyone, but I just didn't seem to care for some reason or another.

It was cold and windy. She tells me she no longer drinks and her medication was upped. She's no longer the happy hyper Amy I knew. She's quiet and reserved. She mentioned she feels sad and thinks she's not as much fun to be around as she was before. I tell her I don't care, I still like seeing her. She gives me a hug and we start to walk back to my house, but it's so windy and cold she says maybe we should ride the bus. I figure I didn't care either way so we wait on the bus.

Some guy asked her if she would hula hoop for him and he'll give her this candy he's trying to sell. She said no. I was playing with the hoop at the time and the guy seemed a bit down. But he walked off. We catch our bus and we're off back to my house .

At my house I'm showing her around and she's asking where the cat is. I tell her Kagero is a bit apprehensive whenever someone new is around especially since is a new house for her but she'll probably come out eventually. Then I had to go to work. And so off i went. I left the Gate key with Amy since I can get in the building by just showing my ID. She was going to go to some show later that day and said she'd pay for me. STS9 was the show.


At work I was showing one of my co-workers a picture of her and he's saying he love the red hair and shows the picture to everyone else and they're saying "Wow, Nick, you're ex is pretty hot." and things like that. When work was over Rosie [one of the drivers] gave me a ride to the Filmore since it was on her way home from work. The show was ending so I waited outside for Amy. She came out and didn't see me... So I snuck behind her for a bit and tapped her on the shoulder and walked the opposite way she turned. She spun in a circle and saw me and gave me a hug and said she had fun at the show.

There was a party I was invited to that was a Roller Derby Girls after party. I didn't feel like going that far to get to it since neither Amy nor I had a Car. So I asked if she felt like going to this after hours goth club. We went but she was pretty quiet the entire time and didn't really speak much. I kinda felt like she wasn't having much fun, so we left. We went back to my house and she used my key to swipe us in.

We watched Power puff girls for a bit and then I went to sleep and told her she could sleep in the bed with me if she wanted since it's more comfortable than anywhere else to sleep. She said "Really, you sure we should sleep together?" I said "I'm sleeping in the bed, it's comfy and it's got enough room. You can sleep on the couch if you want, or the floor, or the bed. I don't care, just thought I'd offer."

She crawled into bed with me and we went to sleep. Not much cuddling going on, just a lot of sleeping going on. Kinda like if two straight guys were in bed together sorta deal. Pretty fucking platonic. Oddly I didn't really care, I wasn't extra happy nor sad. I didn't really understand how, I mean, I'm in love with this girl and at this point I'm sleeping with her and we aren't even cuddling.

And that was how that Saturday went. Sunday... Well, sunday was pretty busy. I was off work that day.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Yes, She's cute isn't she. I think so too. Here's another picture of Caitlin here.

.

See, often my curiosity rules my life.
Caitlin here is in an Oregon Prison. I went to a "dating" site called www.meet-an-inmate.com
I'm still not entirely sure how the inmates end up getting their adds posted in the first place. That part confuses me and wasn't really covered on the site. The site basically said the founder of the site feels that a lot of inmates are lonely and sad and have had their friends and family abandon them after they got into whatever mess of trouble they got into to end up on the inside [okay, it didn't say the "inside"].

It post pictures of inmates [I have no idea how they get pics that aren't the mugshots... still a bit clueless about that part.]. It also posts info on said prisoners and links you to a site where you can look them up and find out what they're in for. Caitlin here is in for robbery. Me and my sister theorized it must be armed robbery cause she doesn't get out till 2016 and she's been in there since 2010. You don't go to Prison for a basic b and e.

And I'm sure this girl's got some interesting stories to tell. I highly doubt shit will work out dating wise and all that jazz. But I do think it would be fun to get back into the lost art of letter writing. Plus I like to draw. So I think I'll write her a letter. it's something to do, and I miss having pen pals. Wont be the first time I've written someone who's "inside". Last time I wrote a long letter to a friend I'd met in Elyria city Jail and in my envelope I left about 7 blank pages of paper [cause getting blank paper is a big fucking deal in jail].

Okay, so let's rewind a bit and go back to how I met these guys in Jail for the hell of it.

2006 . After getting fired from Cedar Point [long stupid story I might mention... Or how I walked 30 miles to get to Cedar Point in the first place (I think I did mention that one)] my "friend" Ryo also got fired from Cedar Point [Friend is in quotations cause he's a shady shifty bastard... maybe I'll mention that another day also. But he's had a lot of ups and downs. Recently a lot of downs]. We caught a ride home from our friend we made at Cedar point [so much better than walking] and only had to pay him in Sonic [you know the restaurant.. we bought his food. Pretty sweet deal for a 30 mile ride to Amherst from Sandusky].

I had no where to live and very little money and no job. I stayed at Ryo's for about a week and then moved it along and was living in the streets. Luckily I had things like a water proof CP poncho, my Nintendo DS [oddly useful in various aspects when you're homeless e.g. I bought the "internet" which, back then, wasn't a built in feature of the DS nor the DS lite. A browser wasn't standard until the DSi. So the Internet was like another game in the sense that you took out whatever game you had and put the browser cartridge in the system. And I didn't have money to buy a phone and wasn't too aware of prepaid phones (hey, we can't always be hyper resourceful all the time. They weren't really popular enough to catch my attention sorta deal)].

So I'm using my water proof poncho to sleep outside when I've got absolutely no where else to go [and man, I fucking loved that thing] or my DS to go on e-buddy and access AIM or Yahoo instant messenger when I need to get in contact with someone and I'm near a wi-fi hot spot [seriously, computer? Wi-Fi isn't a real word? I mean you have fuckin.... whatever].

So at some point I went to Midway mall and applied to work at Pacific Sunwear [while still homeless]. But I needed clean clothes for the job. Okay.... rewind a bit. This was 2007. I checked the release date of linkin' parks Minutes to Midnight album [which I bought while in Cedar point]. Anyhow... [not that one year really matter that much. I was only off by one year and blah blah blah...].

I knew the manager from Pac Sun from when I worked at Kaufmann's [not macy's]. I'd go into pac sun and chat with her before she was a manager and it was fun times. We'd bullshit and have a blast then I'd go back to work. Now she was the manager. She knew my situation, that I was homeless, and was sympathetic about it and hired me anyway. But I still needed clean clothes for work.

In 2006 there was a guy I knew from I-Hop, Mike. Mike was flaming gay [not that it entirely matters...]. I ran into him at the bar while I was homeless [the bar was a good spot to go to find people who's houses I could potentially stay at while homeless and trying to get back on my feet]. While staying at Mike's I ended up meeting some random guy who was walking either from Oregon or to Oregon [I don't remember... Some long ass distance state to state] to meet up with his Fiance' [according to him]. Interesting guy and all, doesn't have much point to the story really. He chilled with me and mike for 3 days before he hit the road again and continued his long walk. I could relate to the excessive amounts of walking he was doing, but Mike really couldn't. Probably cause he's never walked more than about 4 miles at once.

So, these clean clothes. I was able to wash mine at Mike's house. But they were getting torn to shreds and I was wearing the same 5 outfits everyday sorta thing. So I went to go steal some clothes. I'd done it before and never gotten caught. At this point I really needed new clothes [Okay, everytime I stole clothes I needed new clothes for work or something].

In the store I did the usual, grab 5 items while 1 or 2 you actually want. Go into the dressing room to try them on. Try them all on to give the illusion you're actually trying clothes on. Put on the one you wanted to take last and then put your clothes on over top of it and walk out the store. While I was walking out the store i was stopped by security.

They figured I'd stolen clothes and asked for the clothes back. I played dumb. They brought me back to the office and were chatting with me about stealing and how it's morally wrong. They also thought I was 14 and said if I can call my parents and have them come get me I just have to return the shirt and I can leave. I called my friend keith and said "Hey dad, I'm at Macy's, they think I stole a shirt and said I can go if you come bail me out." Keith was initially laughing hysterically, but said "Sorry man, I'm on my way to work, I can't pretend to be your dad right now, call Sarah and see if she'll be your mom. The number is blah blah blah." So I called sarah... she was also on her way to work. Fuck...

I sat around and talked about philosophy with these people and perception. Is a person really a bad person if they aren't aware what they're doing is wrong? Also is anything actually wrong or is it just a concept created by the human mind? and blah blah blah. They said i was the smartest 14 year old they've ever met [note: I never told them I was 14, I just never said I wasn't].

Then the cops showed up. When they showed up I showed my I.D. and He read off my information. When he said my Date of birth outloud the Security guards looked hurt and their jaws dropped. 10.08.1983. They were all like "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!! HE'S 23?!!!?!??!?!? But he said he was..." and I interrupted and said "No, I didn't say I was any age. I neither confirmed nor denied how old I was and I talked about school in such an ambiguous way that you were lead to believe I meant I was currently in school." And I was cuffed and escorted away with the Po-Po.

I was in for 3 days. Then I got out on a signature bond [literally signing your name on a slip of paper]. Note: I still had on the shirt. I also didn't miss my first day at work. WIN WIN!


Eventually my mom got a house in Lorain and I moved in with her... tired of being homeless I was extra eager to deal with her bullshit. I just didn't wanna sleep outside anymore or stay at Mike's. I had a court date coming up and a job and all that. I also got a job at a construction agency and was learning a trade and making decent money. My boss said I was a fast learner too and liked my work ethic. At this point I didn't give a fuck if I was found guilty in court cause shit was working out either way.

One day my mom flipped out for NO REASON!!! and I should'a saw it coming. She does that a lot. She kicked me out and I was homeless again. In a new city: Lorain. I knew no one. I had no where to go. I didn't want this anymore, I was so fucking pissed about it. I tried to plead with her and say "Hey, I've got a nice job right now. I'm learning construction this is going to be very useful for me latter on in life. I'll be able to go where ever I want and get a job just cause I know this stuff." She didn't wanna hear it. She didn't care. She said I had to leave the house [and it was like 3am or some shit]. I didn't get much sleep and wasn't able to make it to work because I was sleeping outside again.

I refused to go through it all again. I was pretty fucking pissed at her [what else is new?]. I sold my DS and got on the grey hound to Sandusky first. I stopped at Cedar Point to try and find Dan. Dan had told me about Erie, PA and how there was a foundry or something I could work at and a few buddies he knew where I could get decent work. I wasn't able to get into Cedar Point Dorms to visit since I'd been fired I was on a permanent ban of the dorms [pretty lame... sigh]. So I couldn't get connected with Dan.

I got back on the greyhound and continued my Journey to Detroit, MI. Where my grandmother lives. 2007-2008 around summer I stayed at Grandma's house [mostly looked for work and had been hooking up with some girl from WSU]. One Day Celia [my sister] asked if i wanted to move in with her in Cleveland. I could get a job easier and then find my own place to live. I was tired of staying at Grandma's and living in Detroit. I had friend in Ohio, but only family in detroit and my family isn't very nice to me.

So I went to live with Celia in 2008. Obama and all that jazz. Then SPAM. 2008 was okay.
2009 still decent. Met a few cool people and all. blah blah blah, still in cleveland.
2010 at some point I was stopped by a cop. I forgot why. He ran my ID and said I had a Warrant for my arrest, but it was in Elyria, OH and he wasn't gonna take me way the fuck out there, but I should take care of it. I knew of the warrant but I just didn't care. I had a job and was trying to work shit out. I was kinda depressed and broken willed and well just wasn't trying so much anymore. I had it in my head that there's little point to working hard when everytime I do something goes wrong and shit get's fucked up... bad state of mind, but that was mine for the most part.

One day in 2010 I was riding around with a friend in vermillion. he had expired tags and got pulled over and arrested. And Vermillion was in Lorain county, like Elyria. So I got arrested too.


I went to Elyria City Jail during it's last few days of operation as a jail. They said that the funding was low so after a month of that time they were going to send whomever was still in to County.

So I'm in jail [this time for something I actually fucking did.]. I'm not too irritated or pissed about being in there either. Mostly cause this time it's actually for something I did and not some bullshit. It's not my older brother pretending to be me when he's caught driving without a license. Not racist cops beating me up. Nononono. I actually did something this fucking time, so I can't be pissed. While in there it was just me and one other guy in the pod and we worked out an arrangement for watching T.V. On thursdays at 8 I wanted to watch the adventures of flapjack and some other show on cartoon network, but otherwise I could care less what's on the T.V.. Occasionally there might be something like an F-1 race on on sunday I wanna catch and I let him know ahead of time. He just wanted to watch UFC all the time.

So on a thursday I'm watching Flapjack and this jackass changes the channel and says "Dude that's for fucking kids, you a grown ass man." I change it back and say "We had an agreement. I don't complain when you watch what you wanna watch." he watches it anyway and then says it's the last time I'm watching it. I say "nope, next thursday, same bat channel same bat time." he laughs and says "Clever, but you ain't watching that shit next week." The week goes along and we're watching Master minds and UFC and shit and then Sunday comes and I'd told him 4 days ago I wanted to watch the race and mentioned how he always watches what he wants exception of thursday so it's a decent compromise. I'm watching the F-1 race and he's getting pissed saying "what the fuck is this shit, you some hillbilly redneck." I say "The hillbilly rednecks don't watch F-1 they watch Nascar" and he says he's gonna beat my ass if I don't change the channel and put something good on. I say nothing. I have the remote. He changes the channel, then sits down to watch UFC [which is ALWAYS ON]. I change it back to F-1. he changes it again and sits down again. I change it back.

He starts making threats saying he'll kick my ass and blah blah blah. I press the intercom button while he's screaming about beating me up. The guards come and I say "Hey, can I go to ISO or something. I'd like that, being alone and all. Sounds like fun." They say no and instead put me in the trusty pod [the nicer pod].

Trustee's are prison workers. They do work around the jail and get one day a month off their sentences. They also get more food than usual and don't have to go to bed till they feel like going to bed and can watch T.V. all night if they wish. This was pretty awesome. Me and the trustee's had a deal going on: since they get all their benefits from cleaning up the rest of the jail I clean up the entire pod [as opposed to the other pod where we split the cleaning between who was in there] and I get to enjoy the luxuries of the trustee pod. They also liked to watch flapjack and watched less UFC [just a healthy dose of it]. One guy would watch Keeping up with the Kardashian's every day. he said he was 'watching his hoes." he was pretty funny.

Me and that guy were work out buddies. He was in for selling drugs. He said "Times were tough and a man's gotta provide for his family some how. I ain't proud of what I've done, but I'll be damned before I let my kids go hungry." he had my respect.

Another guy would tell us about all the chicks he's banged and how he did it and such. Really insightful stuff. when he talked about girls everyone would listen to him. He knew his shit. He was in cause he got trashed and drove his car through 3 phone posts. Something to do with a girl that pissed him off while he was trashed and him leaving to go hang out with the guys and talk to other girls. He was a pretty nice guy and had his own business selling christmas tree's. I forgot what he did when it was warm out, I just remember him saying how much bank you make off of christmas tree's.

Another guy was in for child support. He was learning how to be a truck driver. He said he just forgot to pay the child support money. he seemed pretty absent minded and it was believable.

And then there was the old guy. I never found out why he was in there. He seemed pretty laid back though.

We'd share books and tell stories about life and all had a blast while we were in there. It didn't really feel like doing time. Eventually Charles Coleman and my Sister bailed me out. I stayed with Charles for 3 days before returning to Cleveland. And then I went back and forth to court and got off scott free [ironic isn't it. When I actually do something illegal I get away with it... Fuck it... I feel it's deserved for all the bullshit I've dealt with that I didn't do]. While I was out I wrote a letter to the guy who was in for selling drugs and left about 7 or 10 pieces of blank paper in it. I asked him to share with everyone else. They all wrote me back on the same letter saying thanks and asking for another letter. I wrote them another one with a comic book I made. I put extra paper in that one too. two of them got out and came and hung out with me at some point.

And that was how I ended up writing people in Jail.


On another note, I'm supposed to be writing down 10 characteristics I want in a girl. Also trying to figure out how to bring this up in a convo to figure out if she is these things... For now I'll just start with the 10 things and figure the rest out later. I kinda wanna leave the house and my hands are getting tired of typing.

1. A girl who cares about others and is unselfish.
2. Creativity. Someone who does art or plays music or something creative.
3. Doesn't take herself too seriously.
4. A girl who can tell a good joke
5. Respects other around her
6. enjoys giving oral sex
7. A hard worker
8. Enjoys intellectual conversations about philosophy and psychology and such
9. Likes to play Video games
10. Doesn't think that a guy should pay for everything on a date and isn't "one of those girls"

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Just for shits and giggles here's another picture of caitlin

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12