hi guys


about myself

i'm 27, an architect and live in switzerland (i'm swiss/ brazilian) hence, english is not my mothertongue so please excuse my bad grammar...

i have one very specific problem (i'm just going to be honest and open, please don't get me wrong. i'm not trying to brag or anything, i just believe the more you know about me the more i'll be able to get help from you guys) and one that is more general:

most women consider me a 7.5+. now i'm not fit or anything, i'm 1.85m and am rather slim (65kg to be exact). i dress well, i've been told so numorous times by women and men. i have an above average iq of 136. my parents are well off, i've been to a boarding school, lived in different places and i've seen a lot of the world. i consider myself a gentleman, i'd even go so far that i'm desirable to a lot of women.

now, i'm not a pick-up guy. i usually get to know my gfs or one-nighters through friends, social events and when i still went to in school/uni. i'd say i've had sex with about 40 women or so (it's not a number to brag about, it's just to show you that i'm not completely clueless). usually the same age or older as i was. i've been picked up by girls a few times in clubs but i never really tried to pick up a girl in a club or something myself. not to say i never did, but it's not how it usually works for me. the few times i did try i had some success.

now my specific problem:

i tend to get clingy when i'm really into a girl. i believe the reason lies with some things that happened in my past. my parents divorced when i was little (6 to be exact). my biological father died when i was 15, my uncle died when i was 12 and a few other in my family as well.
i have to get that under cotrol, i just don't really know how. i'm getting better with each time i fail, but learning through failure is very hard. 'cause i meet at max 2 chicks per year i'm really interested in. but there's just this thing inside me that makes me feel like i could lose that person every moment and that fucks up a lot of things. it's a batlle between a rational voice and a irrational voice in my head, and given enough time the irrational side always wins. who wants to date a clingy guy.

here's an example of my last failure:

so, i went on a date with what i consider to be a 9. we had a great time and there was a lot of chemistry between the two of us. we texted a lot all the time and things were going really well. shortly after our first date we set up another one. after the 2nd date she went to russia to visit her family. we kept texting and all. then she came back, we set up another date. i made reservations for a nice romantic 3rd date. then she called me, told me she was genuinly sorry but she had to stay late at the office and i believed her. there was no reason not to, but in my head the irrational voice kept telling that something's wrong and she's losing interest. now, at that time i was still in control. we the agreed to meet on saturday. she called again, not to cancel but told me her brothers babysitter was sick and she had to take care of him, but she'd really like to see me again and that she could just bring her brother with her. i told her, that it is alright and we should meet another day. at this time i thought that it's too early to meet her 6 year old brother and we haven't seen each other for more then 2 weeks. we agreed to meet on sunday afternoon. then on sunday i called her at noon (we planned on meeting between 3 and 4) but couldn't reach her. i tried again at 1.30, still no answer, no text nothing. instead of keeping it cool and just wait for her to call. my head started spinning around and i was getting angry and also a bit hurt. we set up 3 dates and she canceled all of them. well, i let her know that i was pissed. anyway at some point i texted her: hey whats up? are you canceling again? you could at least have the decency to send me a text or something to cancel. well i got an answer, quite a cold one just saying: yeah i'm canceling. then i got furious. my head was all like WTF? she met another guy etc. now as i said, i should have just kept my cool. there was no logical reason not to trust her. when things were going well, she used to call me after work. texted first thing in the morning etc...it could all have been a play from her side, but i don't really belive that.
later on she texted me: what is wrong with you? i had an emergency etc. i just texted back that she should have told me so, it would have saved us a lot of trouble.she didn't get back to me. some hours later i wrote: let's forget this weekend. let's meet up forget about what happened, we obviously both made a mistake. let's meet up another time.
the next day she texted and said more or less forget it. i then told her that i would like to explain myself and why i reacted that way and what went on in my head. she was eager to listen, and i told her about my issues and where i think it comes from. needless to say i she didn''t get back to me. now it's only been two days, but i'm sure i burned that one.

now, i know i should have kept my cool on sunday and just call once and wait. but i couldn't. or i should have stayed angry until she apologized, which i think she would have done. but i went from angry to insecure and then to complete pussy. i also shouldn't have told her about my issues (see intro), i know that. but i still did. maybe something inside me hoped she would understand.

do you have some tips on how to get that under control? how do i keep my cool in those kind of situations?


and then the more general question:

is there a link or something on how to behave and what to talk about in the first 15 minutes or so when you successfully opened/ met and hb?

Nevermind my general question. Didn't scroll down... Lol

yeah i had a talk with a friend of mine and he told me the same. he would have flipped as well...not on the 3rd time but on the 2nd one.

i'm trying to get more control over it. the first step that i did was to write my msg response. let it sit as a draft, wait at least 30min-1 hour read it again and only send it then. this works in certain situations, but i guess this one was too extreme so i couldn't keep my cool, even with the waiting period.

yeah, i usually first look for the error on my side. and if i find one (and i usually do) i go into what you call "submissive mode". i will try to change that in the future and stand my ground.

i don't know her well enough to say she wasn't pulling my nose. i'd say she didn't but then again, if she wasn't, she probably would have called and been more understanding. at least that is what i'd do in that kind of situation....but i may be a pussy in that respect, but i know how it feels, when you get rejected because of personal issues. i mean i do understand why people reject others with issues, i have no bad feelings about that. but myself am more understanding if i'm into the girl. my last gf had severe depressions and she told me on the 2nd date, but i still didn't run.

oh well, it's a bit sad cause i really saw potential for a good relationship. but the next one will come and as i said i'm learning everytime this happens...and i'm getting better at it.

it's kinda funny, cause i wasn't always like that. i used to be quite the asshole in respect to women (3 gf at the same time and that kind of stuff) broke so many hearts. until i really fell in love when i was 19...since then i became more and more of a pussy. maybe it's karma...

anyways, thanks for your response. at least i know i'm on the right path...i'm going out tonight (afterwork) and my goal will be to chat up at least 5 chicks...let's see how it goes...

EDIT:

the reason why i think she wasn't pulling my nose:

during our first date, half-way through she asked when we'll meet again and i didn't even iniciate the topic. it came all from her side. on the second date she walked really close to my side and kissed me goodbye on the mouth, again i didn't iniciate the kiss, she did.
and then there are like 3k exchanged messages over a 4 week period. that isn't normal or at least way to much work for just fucking around with someone. which makes me believe, i should have kept my cool. this were all very positive signs from her side.