This is such the REVERSE of how society teaches you behave with women. It is quite sad, to say the least. Glad there are secret underground forums like this one where guys can be 'shown the light'.

It is, even with forums like this I still struggle with my neediness and the way I've been taught to behave. At first I found it very disheartening and thought it a shame that my natural caring, kindness, selflessness and respect got me nowhere and as soon as I hardened I had more success.

However I realise that my inherent traits are good, though I just need to show them at the right times and in a more appropriate way.

you can absolutely read to help you not be needy and seek validation from others. You got "What Women Want" by W. Anton, thats what got me started. Try Eckhart Tolle's "Power of Now" -- really solid book on the power of the mind to determine your happiness and self-worth.

Some great points by some here, society really does send men all the wrong messages. There are great books out there that will show you how damaging socialization is to your self-esteem. Reading these books showed me the light and then the more I applied these principles in my life and dealings with others, I was amazed how much better everything in my life went. Applying what you read to everyday life and dealing with women will reinforce these principles in your mind and your entire mindset will start to shift. You really can learn this stuff and change your life. I never struggled with women, but I wanted something better, because I noticed there were times I had ridiculous success and other times where I totally struck out. I wanted to find out why. You can too, anyone can.

I am in Canada and she is in France. 9 Hours difference. I go back in 1 month and a half. That is when I next see her and then I spend four months with her. On top of that I might be going a college next year on exchange which is 40 minutes away from her.

The thing is that I find weird, this girl is not about games, like she is straight up great. I am her first boyfriend, her first EVERYTHING. Today when she spoke to me, she was like "don't ever distant, thats not the answer to anything". We are very honest with each other.

When you guys tell me to distant, I distant, but I don't know how to play it, like do i message her when she messages me and such. Then when we SPAM, she tells me she loves me and misses me.

Maybe I am over reacting, you can be judge?

The thing is, she was where I wanted her before. She said "i want you forever" got scared and completely backed off. She admits now she has a guard up.

I don't know if I need to play it distant. If I play it distant, do you think I could get her clingy again? Thats where I want her.

Here's a life lesson for you about male female courtship..

Men who give out the impression that they allow women to "chase" them are truly most successful when it is an act outside of cognition -- in that the man is non-chalant, and sometimes aloof towards the woman NOT out of some contrived attempt at gamer-ship sh*t, but more so because he really and honestly has so much on his social plate that he doesn't have much time to notice her. Otherwise, if you (which is what you're doing right now) try to manufacture this dynamic you're apt to question yourself -- "am I going too far nexting her?" .. How much do I need to put out there to make sure I keep her interested all the while? I had to ask this girl a question -- she's my first girlfriend, so should I call her back or perhaps that would make her all too clingy and or would that make it look like I was compromising my position of letting her chase you? Etc, etc... Obviously, it's making you confused now doesn't it.

You have to make it genuine and real. Your life now revolves around this girl. It's not healthy and you're putting her on a pedestal which is even more unhealthy! Please, honestly go out and be more social where you attract more desirable women. Don't need to fly out to France to get one as there are plenty of them in Canada. Want one that speaks French, then look no further than Quebec! Make friends and basically have sh*t to do. Fairly quickly you'll learn how to do this stuff fairly naturally. Very rarely one gets the girl on the first try unless you have your game internalized from the get go. Very few men do.

Lastly, I see that you are trying to fly a jumbo jet without a pilot's license and that you're desperate trying to land a plane like a pro pilot getting instructions off the tower and several other experienced pilots. Now, you may land the plane, but it wouldn't be very smooth. Unfortunately, the way you're doing right now, you'll crash and burn.
But it's good. At least this lesson will get you out there socializing with other girls!

When you get to the point where you think "I don't have to play games with this girl" is when you fuck up and it all goes wrong.

This girl is not different or special, and ignore things she says.

Sometimes games have to be played, its a sad fact, in my experience.

NOTE: My experience comes from not playing games and trying to be 100% open and honest in my last two relationships that failed.

It depends on which stage of the relationship you are in. 3 stages in the relationship are

1, Open relationship (not official boyfriend/girlfriend)
2, Committed relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend or fiance)
3, Long term committed relationship (husband/wife or partner)

For stage 1 and 2, being non-chalant and aloof help you stay in the relationship LONGER because the women are stll sh*t testing you. It's their natural instinct. For stage 3 however is when your relationship is so deep and connected, that being open and honest will be the strength that bond the relationship together. In this stage, communication and viable actions must go hand in hand. Stage 2 and 1 are more of actions than words.

Ahhh but you say, but that would drive down interest level would it? Sure it will. Like anything on earth, whatever goes up must come down due to gravity. This is the law. But it takes a bit longer time for the space shuttle to hit earth than a hand glider right or if you drop the object 10 feet up.
Which is why it is important to keep pushing interest level higher in the woman so when you mess up, she still loves you because in stage 3, she equates you to Mr. feel good. Remember that a woman's interest level FOLLOWS the law of gravity, so it you don't maintain it, it will kiss earth really quick.

How do you know when you are in these stages? Let the woman do the confirmation. Let her ask you to be your boyfriend and confirm that. Let her ask to be your long term partner or hinting that she wants you to marry her. Don't project your interest in her and presume that fact. You'll get burned really quick.

Hey,

So I have re-read this thread about 8 times. Literally.

I am trying my hardest, and I get where you are all coming from. I am too needy, and this is a problem that you guys can't fix, it comes from within because when I hear things from you guys, I dont get needy for an interaction or two then I revert back to being needy.

I have decided to join the gym, focus on school, and also read Antons book about how to give women what they want. Hopefully that keeps me busy.

I do seek re-affirmation from her. And she use to give it, and when she gave it, I didn't give it back because she gave it to me. The thing is, she did this to herself, if women dont mean what they say, well then this isnt right. She came to me and said "I love you forever", and got scared by her own words a week later and backed off completely and distanced herself. I am trying my hardest to stay positive. Even today on SPAM we spoke about it a bit, and i saved myself luckily. But she asked me like "I feel like I am making you unhappy, you miss what I use to say, is that true" and I replied "yes". I mean to be honest boys, i know what im doing in the moment is wrong, and I hate it because I dont want to do it. I just need her back to that place where she is craving me by 1) Not telling her to go away and breaking up with her which would risk her not coming back to me 2) that is easy to do

I am guessing the answer is just distancing myself? correct?

I just need to learn the rules and when and wheres to say things. Like when she is asleep in France, and I am awake, I use to message her, she use to message me a lot. Do I stop?

I return home to her in 6 weeks. I want her craving it more than ever. Not "oh well fuck it". I want it like it use to be.

Is there a chance, honstly.

You post the same message over and over and OVER AGAIN in this topic!!!!!!!

You've been given solid advice so many times and you keep asking everyone if doing what everyone has told you to do, is what you should do. Yes, yes it is.

Get hobbies, join the gym, read that book, meditate, whatever. Cut out the neediness, make yourself busy and stop haranguing this girl and don't keep bringing up the "You don't say what you used to and I can't take it, waaa!" conversation with her.

In a long distance relationship, if you're not fun, upbeat, positive and higher energy than her when you SPAM, things will start to go south. I was in one for almost a year man. If she's had a shitty day and she's tired, she doesn't want to talk to someone who has had a shitty day and is tired.

Hey,

I have been following the advice you guys have given me in the past few days. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.

In text she tells me she misses me and I don't say it back. I dont text her much and act busy. Although we text less cuz i distanced myself, when she texts she does say she misses me but she texts me a lot less than usual. When she is asleep and I am awake, I use to give her messages to wake up to, I think Ill just distance again and not give her anything?

Just before she then asked to SPAM which I said sure, when we SPAM she is not as talkative as I would want her to be, and i have to talk to fill in the silence. At the end, she just says, I miss you. No I love you or anything (use to a lot before) and in SPAM convo it seems like she doenst want to be there. As she doenst say i love you, i dont say it back.

Am i on the right track?

Is this progress or is this just a lost cause?

You're overthinking everything, over-analysing everything and living inside your head. You need to let go and stop obsessing over this girl! Follow the advice properly, not just for a few days and then go back to being her bitch. You don't have to go no contact, but live a life outside of waiting for attention from this girl and then getting butthurt that it isn't like it used to be.

At the moment you seem to be a vortex of crippling neediness that will suck away any ounce of attraction she felt for you. Just relax, let go, live your life. Relationships develop and evolve, its not healthy or attractive to need constant reassurance just because she was tired on SPAM or something. You'll become a drain on her and a source of negativity in her life and as its long distance she will end it with you. I've been there.

My ex-gf who went long distance actually said to me: "It's really fucking annoying that you need reassurance the whole time, you're supposed to be my boyfriend, not my child"

I took the hint and eventually saved the relationship (temporarily.)

No relationship is ever in a state of perpetual honeymoon. My parents have been married for forty years, do you think my Dad worries about whether he's getting attention from her still? He doesn't mope around if she doesn't kiss him goodbye before he goes out

Give it some time and let her initiate all of the communication. Don't over think it. No contact takes a long while to work especially if you've been extremely needy for attention, but now you're really annoying her so it will take even LONGER -- can even be months. Stop annoying her! If you keep doing this, it may take a year, but by then you're really done like dinner. Take advantage of these few months of NC and get yourself a life and meet new friends. It's rather sad that she's your only friend. You go to Uni right? Why aren't there tons of single girls roaming around? Are you that shy? Why not join a club or something offered in the Uni? Skiing, hiking, dancing etc.. There are bound to be lots of single girls out there learning the same things, especially if you're in New Brunswick or Nova Scotia. Even Toronto has several awesome Unis with lots of girls! Even better, learn with them together and be light and funny on the convo. No heavy love sh*t stuff. Man, the time you're wasted here is time lost scoring girls! Get some of the guys here to teach you PUA skills and when you're done with, you'll wonder what the heck you're wasting so much energy talking to this girl. It'll be histoire mon ami! Ok, my french may be a bit rusty here, but you get the drift.

Even if you guys get back together, you ain't gonna get back that new car smell ever. It's a fact of life in all relationships.

The thing is I fucked around with girls and I got many models and shit. She is the best girl I have met by far, chill, funny, sexiest by far, abercrombie model. This is why i feel stressed.

Guys i know im being a LITTLE BITCH here, trust me I know it. I just feel anxiety for the first time in my life. ITs actually eating me up. Seriously. I just wish I could press a button for her to fall back in love.

I know the feeling bro, you just gotta push through it. Get out more, stop being alone and thinking about her. Go out with your friends, if you can get an Abercrombie model like her, imagine what else you can get. And you see her in six weeks again anyway. Use this time for you.