I have 2 states with my willpower (with a middle state).

The first one is stable, safe, grey and boring, but extremelly manipulative and powerful in long term.
In this state I like staying in my comfort zone more. In time I get pissed at myself for being so fucking bored (the way I am right now) and lame all the time. You could describe this state as a relaxing chillstep song (anything about love, peace etc.).

The middle state is where my anger of my lame stability grows more and more until I break.

Once I break it's like there's NO COMFORT ZONE, the whole world becomes a playground. I'm extremelly phased in the moment. There's a high chance for me to hurt anyone around me and break rules. The future doesn't matter. I don't resist any temptation at all. I become inpatient. High Alpha. I become extremelly challenging and start searching for danger and loss. This state may be described as a hard, hyper, dark metal song (anything about death, destroying shit etc.).

Then there's the reverse state. I once again start wanting to create a life for myself and just start packing my shit up again.


Does anyone have a clue how I could fuse both of these states? I'm unhappy with the first state, but I'm afraid of the second state.
I want the 2nd state as a base without the fear of it. (It condemns me to destroying my own life and eventually dieing quickly.)

I tried giving in to the 2nd state, but didn't experience much of it. (ran away from my home and it faded slowly, then came back.)

So, willpower.
How do I strenghten it?
How do I act on my states?
How does willpower exactly work?
...and how should I best tweak mine?

PS. Right now I'm almost in the 2nd state as I had a fucking bad day. I'm extremelly tempted to waste the money I've saved up, masturbate, not go to the chorus to meet my gf and ofcourse I can't hold off my gf. fml.

ADDING:
I do meditation all the time and I'm planning to live in the "now" as much as possible. How do I go about planning the future when I can't really worry of it?

hi man sounds like your unbalanced and need to ground yourself.theres a tantra course at tara yogo centre that i suggest you take a look at.someone llike you right you your street tarayogacentre

Ahh, I figured this out as I usually do.

I needed to meditate to find out what I really want.
I have to do only what I want to do for some time. (or do things that would make what I want happen).

I had forced on my routine onto myself for set values.
e.g. if muscles were cool in my opinion I had to have them, even if I really didn't want to exercise/get them.