Yesterday.
I texted Hayley about some party I was going to. She said she might wanna go and told me about some other party she's going to.
Later I was on facebook and Her friend was telling me how she's seeing some other guy and not to go outta my way to hang out with her. Her friend says that I just had to pretend I didn't like her and she'd've fallen over backwards to hang out with me. I said "I don't pretend or play stupid games."

Unfortunately I was rather trashed and it seemed like a great idea to tell Hayley that I don't pretend and blah blah blah.
Whatever...

So I leave the house and go to 3rd street pub. Lots of chicks there. I didn't really try hitting on anyone or picking anyone up. Just wasn't feeling it and I kept getting IOD's or neutral vibes. So I left to go to party number one.

They said I needed a wayne state id... which I didn't have, so I went to party number two. They asked for my wayne state id, but some other guy said "Oh, he's cool, I know him." and let me in.

I run into Cliff and umm... shit forgot other guys name, it'll come to me. I offered him some of my jack Daniels. Some chick with glowing orange hula hoops comes upstairs and I ask if I can see one of them. She lets me borrow it and I'm in the dance room hooping for a bit while I'm kinda trashed. Loads of fun. I'm spinning it behind my back and doing tricks and shit. Ah yeah... then I gave her her hoop back.

She was cuddled up with some random guy... so... . o O (moving along) I thought after I gave her her hoop back. I went downstairs.

Downstairs I was drinking a four loco and some guy asks where I got it from. He thought it'd been banned. I said "no, just the old version is banned." And he wants to try some, so I give him some and this chick wants to try some. I give her some.

He says she's not as old as she seems. So I ask how old she is. She's 18. She asks how old she looks. I say "At the youngest you'd be 15, the oldest 21." She mentions some guy spilled beer on her and moves her hand from her right breast down on her shirt saying it's wet. I put my hand on her breast and move it down her shirt like she did and say "Well it's starting to dry up at least."

Then I put my other arm around her waist and She's telling me how it got spilled on her arm too. So I touch her arm and it's kinda sticky. She moves in closer and we start making out and I start caressing her breasts. Then I decide to go in the other room and get some more beer, but they're out... damn it. So I come back over to her and she says she doesn't wanna make out anymore.

And so I see this guy trying, but failing, to pick up some chick. They're talking and she seems annoyed and I put my arm around her waist and she's talking to me. I think she gave me her facebook... I don't remember. we didn't make out or anything. I left and went upstairs again cause that wasn't working out.

Upstairs I see some really wasted chick sitting on a couch. I know I could easily fuck her somewhere, but she's wasted and that's just not cool. So I offer to get her a water, but when I return she's gone. Oh well.

Later I'm on the dance floor dancing with some chick, but she's off beat and it's irritating so I go back to mingling.

Eventually I do home.
Today I woke up hung over and horny. I thought of the one girls tits and how nice it would've been to fuck her. I start rethinking how I could've played it differently but I've got nothing. Whatever. There's a name written on my pack of cigs... . o O (who the fuck is this...) I think. I assume it's for facebook.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

A convo with Hayley...

Me: Hey, am I annoying to you. Your friend says you hate me cause I'm annoying
I just want to be friends at least, you're a really nice girl and all that. I'm sorry if I'm irritating and whatever.
Can you, at the very least, tell me what the fuck I do to bug you so I don't make the same mistakes again. Cause I don't entirely know.

her: you know where I go on sundays
I hate texting and phone calls and all this messaging consantly
I don't respond to anyone
its not just you I can't keep telling you the same things...I can't keep assuring you of your insecurities...
when I get all of my things taken care of on my end it will be easier to chill and vchit chat
I don't

me: Okay... I have to stop being a whiney bitch and get on with my life. [not meant in offense... honestly it's more of a wake up call sorta thing].
I'm insecure and I have to deal with it, and if I wanna hang out I should come chill with you at NL
And you're busy
I'll try harder to deal with shit and just stop bugging you so much...
Anyhow... I guess I'll see you when I see you. Hope all is well with you

her: thanks...you too

me: I'm about to get drunk right now and I've been waiting on money from uncle same
What've you been up to?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like I need to try and do what I said anyway. If I accomplish this it's not that I'll end up with Hayley that's important. Though I want to end up with her. I like her, I want to be with her. She's fun blah blah blah.

It's important that I stop caring so much about validation for my insecurities and stop being so emotionally needy. Then I'll be a stronger person. Life in general will be easier and more productive.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Some people seriously disgust me.
This girl is talking to me and she's horribly arrogant and superficial. She friends of Hayley's and added me on facebook a few months ago. I had talked to her one day and she asked how I knew Hayley I mentioned that I liked her and we'd hung out a few times.

So, this girl starts off by saying "most people know me as that one hot chick." Kinda a turn off when people are self proclaimed greatness. I just kinda ignored that comment and kept talking. We talk about music of whatever.

Somewhere in this conversation she mentions my hair and says she's like to play with it. I kinda figure maybe I should be subtle about letting her know I'm not interested. So I mention Hayley again. She starts saying that Hayley doesn't care about me and she's talking to other guys all the time anyway.

Another day she's talking to me and going on a rant about how I'm annoying and talking all sorts of black ghetto retardation. It's difficult to listen to anyone who talks in ghetto slang [irritating] especially if they act haughty and like they're the shit cause they so desperately want to fit in that they have to use retard slang. That whole, people hate me cause I'm better than them attitude. Or the "Everyone's just as shallow and superficial as me, and I have shit and they don't so dey hate'n" crap. Not everyone is fucking jealous of you. In fact a lot of people just don't fucking give a shit and want you to shut the fuck up and take your childish nonsense somewhere else.

People who speak dumb bitch always irritate the shit out of me. She's fluent in dumb superficial bitch. And she's telling me dumb shit like I'm going crazy over da pussy and it ain't that big a deal. Which is very rude, shallow, and insulting. Fuck her. My guess is she's upset that I never cared to be with her in the first place and now she's trying to make me feel like shit.

So, I just told her I didn't feel like talking to her if she's going to assume I'm just as shallow, childish, and superficial as she is. And then I blocked her.

Seriously what a fucking stupid bitch. I really can't stand it when people are that shallow and superficial and just assume you're as much of a loser they are. They're more to life than material possessions.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Been pushing out my Resume all day today on Craigslist.
Just command+V over and over.
I"m a little worn out and I'm reading about Focus hope. Some school In detroit that apparently offers free schooling and is non-profit. It's basically what I want to create someday. Could be a bit more user friendly I guess..

Also filled out Fasfa forms and applied for food stamps online... though I would rather figure out where the office is so I can walk there in person and apply for the food stamps.

I'm pretty fucking hungry right now and there isn't much to eat.
I haven't bothered with girls all day. I just wanna get my life together right now and girls are a stupid distraction. It's frustrating cause it doesn't work out with them, but I need to work everything else out first.

I remember when I first got here, in Detroit. I was so angry at all sorts of people in Ohio. I wanted to forget about them and move on... but I figured if I stayed angry I'd be more motivated to succeed so I could be doing better than those assholes... I guess I'm just not that petty.

I need a new motivation. Cause I still feel like it wont matter if I succeed or not. That it's not going to change anything with girls. And that's, for the most part, why I'm so depressed all the time. And every time I've tried killing myself that's had something to do with it.

I just need to forget about girls and get it out of my head and get shit together...

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Stumbling around watching porn the yesterday when I come across Sasha Grey randomly.
I watch a bit of the video then decided to go look up info about her instead. Within the past week or so I discovered Ambient music.... sorta. I heard a song that was Ambient and [well I don't know where the fuck I heard of the genre in the first place... but it's pretty straightforward in the name] have been listening to all of these Ambient playlists for the past two weeks.

As I'm reading about Sasha Grey I learn about aTelecine, a band she co-founded before she ever got into porn. I'm a bit curious about this band so I go and check it out. It's fucking ambient!!! I fucking love ambient music. And it's pretty good too. I'm reading further in this article and find out she got Sascha from the lead singer in kmfdm [I think that's what they're called]... So, I check this out. Pretty good stuff.

And then I'm watching an episode of Tyra that has Sasha Grey on it. Tyra's a horrible judgmental biased bag of rotting horse cunts. On the show she's being very closeminded and she'll ask Sasha, her producer, and her boyfriend questions and then cut them off when they answer as if they're horrible heathen retards. The show was edited to look like Sasha Grey was some horrible drug addict who doesn't know what she's gotten herslef into. Her defense of porn was apparently edited out as well.

It was all rather shady and disgusting they way they did all of that. Instead of using logic and reasoning to get their points across Tyra and her retards tried to verbally bully and run off of emotion's and a set belief systems of superficial values.

I find some other interview with her about her book she wrote and just her life in general. She came off as smart and a pretty down to earth person. She's pretty funny too. Very art oriented... in a general sense that everything can be art and a way to express.


I start to realize one of the Key characteristics I look for in a girl. I want someone who's free. Almost every girl I've had any deep connection with was a very free thinker. Someone who doesn't do shit just to fit in, but doesn't do shit just to be different either. People who do things cause it's what they wanted to do. I'm thinking back on girls I've liked... not just someone I was interested in, but the ones that got stuck in my head. The girls I couldn't stop thinking about. All of them have pushed me to just be me in some way or another. Some actually told me to stop living a lie in a prison and just be free, while others just inspired me through their own life.

And while I'm thinking of this I'm realizing that I haven't done much for them usually. I'm often a dead weight that needs them because of how they make me feel. And I fucking get it. Sorta... I just need to be free and stop waiting for someone to rescue me.

Cause I've felt oppressed since as far as I could remember. Mother telling me I'm a horrible person. older brother telling me people don't like me and everything I do it lame, my dad ignoring it all and getting upset if I mention my siblings mistreat me. He never offered even a solution or advice, he just said "try to get along... I can't deal with this right now." To which I usually though . o O (I am fucking trying to get along. I'm just trying to mind my own fucking business and they're antagonizing me, I just want them to leave me alone). My cousins, aunts and uncles... they treated me like I was a worthless inept piece of shit. People said I was weird cause I didn't like basketball and there much be something wrong with me.

When I turned 18 and graduated highschool and was going to college I was never home. I stayed with my older brother and sister cause it made sense economically, but I was rarely ever at home. Friday and Saturday were what I looked forward to every week cause then I could stay out all night at some college party and not be at home. I'd wander around town as an escape. My favorite song at the time was blue [from cowboy bebop] mostly cause of when they say "I want to be free. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

It's a word and concept that's like the holy grail to me, but I never really just up and took off. Well once I moved in with my friend Charles and we were room mates and I wasn't talking to my family, but then he pushed away the girl I was in love with [who was pretty free spirited by the way]. But I never really tried. I just wasn't at home ever. I was always out of the house wishing I could find a group of friends or some special girl to save me from the oppression. To free me.

It's not really a conscious thoughtline here. It's something floating around. I mean I knew why I was leaving the house, but after a while I'd forget and it would be habbit and then I'd stay home for a few days and realize why I was leaving the house so much again.


But the point is, I just need to free myself. I'm not sure how. I guess I'll figure it out.
It's not so much about girls or getting laid as it is being happy and free and getting far away from the things that depressed me.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Went to winter fest...
Lots of girls. Girls everywhere...
I just didn't try to pick up anyone. I was ice skating and enjoying it. It was the first time I'd ever went.
Some little kid was having trouble making it around the rink so I helped him.

After he made it around his dad took a picture of me and him.

After I was done ice skating I went to wander around... then I started feeling alone and claustrophobic. Like I was going to have a panic attack. So many people everywhere and I felt so isolated and alone. I didn't know what to say. I tried to snap out of it... I just couldn't. So I walked home.

This girl who's supposed to come and hang out with me started texting me. Eventually she mentioned she doesn't want to have sex, after I'd brought it up. She asked how I'm doing. this was maybe half an hour ago I haven't responded. I don't want to talk to her anymore. I don't want her to come over either.

I want Hayley... but she doesn't fucking want me.
I want someone special... I don't think I'm going to find anyone though... I'm tired. If it wasn't for the cat I have to take care of I'd attempt suicide again... which most likely wouldn't work since I have a tendency to try poisoning myself. Something where I go to sleep and never wake up with little pain. But all I have is vodka. And not enough to kill someone. And no pills to take with it.

So, there's that lack of supplies and the cat. Mostly the cat, cause I do have rope. I even have it tied in a noose. But there's that cat. Gotta take care of the cat, otherwise I'd off myself.


I'm trying to snap out of this. I'm thinking of Ashley white... cause I went ice skating. I've got all these girls I liked flushing through my head and how I fucked it up everytime. How all the girls I'm meeting I'm either not into them or I just fuck it up somehow. I want to just go to school, get a job, blah blah blah, but I feel like I'm still going to fuck it up and girls wont like me anyway. I just want to die.

I keep having this panic attack shit in large crowds and feeling alienated and weird. I just I don't know what the fucking do.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Yesterday... 2-12-13
CiCelia... this girl I've been trying to avoid came over.
She's annoying. I had previously been watching a long play of Zelda: Twilight princess. A game I never got to play. Rewind a few years.....

2002, Summer.
I pre-ordered Zelda: the wind waker

Later that year horrible things happened. I was depressed... I was still a virgin then, but that's not why I was depressed. I just really loved this girl, Ashley white. I was too shy to talk to her. I'd been learning to skateboard and I wasn't doing very well in it. My older brother and sister were upset I had bought a 24" katana, a few throwing stars, two sets of throwing cards and had a collection of "evil" comic books including Johnny the homicidal maniac. They threw away my comics... I fucking paid my 3rd of the rent and had my own room and they invaded my space and threw away my comics and they'd always tell me I'm an evil person and they were scared of me cause I was collecting weapons and they weren't sure if I might attack them with them.... all paranoid horseshit.

I had a t.v. in my room and my gamecube and I played my games in my room and kept to myself, cause they were so rude to me and always so judgmental. I worked at Kaufmanns [now owned by Macy's and renamed "macy's" in all locations.].

I'd gotten some special Zelda collectors disc for pre ordering wind waker. There was some girl I kinda liked at work. I was too shy to ask her out. Looking back it seemed like she liked me too. I wasn't really upset about it, just really shy. One of my co-workers, Bryant, would always chat with me and he gave me his number. I guess he wanted to be friends... but I had it stuck in my head that no one liked me. I grew up being told this all the time. So I never called him to hang out. He'd text and chat sometimes and he was pretty cool... I just had it in my head no one liked me.

I was a very sad person. The best part of my days were when I played my gamecube in my room and I was left alone. I'd play my gamecube and play the demo's of wind waker or the other games on the disc [A game cube adaption of Ocarina of time and ocarina of time master quest (essentially the original game was incomplete when it was released and master quest had a few more puzzles in the dungeons and slightly more enemies. It wasn't much more difficult though...)]. I would skim through the booklet that gave a preview of wind waker and described some of the characters and showed a bit of the artwork. I'd occasionally check out my 24" sword. Mostly just look at it, then sheath it and put it back under my bed. Or sharpen my stars and cards. I'd read my comics and the new ones I had. Sometimes I'd clean my skateboard or look at the collection of decks I had . My room was the best part of my day, just relaxing in there. I was happy in there.

I was enrolled in school and had a job. Everything was working out. Soon I'd have a degree and move out and never speak to my brother, sister, or any of my family again. I'd be free and have my own home. If girls didn't like me, oh well, I had my games and comics and collection of sharp objects. My sketch book. Life was going to be alright, even if it was alone.

One day my younger brother spent the night. He had a bed wetting problem. He wet the bed. He was sleeping in my sisters room. She took his peed up mattress and put it in my room in the morning. I confronted my little brother and asked, politely and calmly [I'm always polite and calm with him... and I used to wet the bed to, so I'm not going to flip out on him about something I was ridiculed about], why he put his blanket in my room. He was 10 I was 19. He said my sister put it there, not him. So I grab the blanket and put it in her room and she flips out and tells me to leave the house. I said it's my house as much as hers and I'm not leaving. She attacks me and throws a phone at me. I move out the way, then she leaves.

Later that night she threatens to call the police on me and say I hit her since I'm on probation [for a crime I never committed]. Probation for a crime she doesn't believe I committed. I leave the house only to get picked up by the police and arrested. The people who're supposed to be closest to me betrayed me and made up malicious lies over petty circumstances.

I go to jail for a day before I'm bailed out. I stay at my moms and I have no ride to school anymore and have to drop my classes. I can get there, but I'd have to cut work... i drop all my classes and decide to reschedule next semester to make up for my circumstances.... I just wanted to be free.

March 24th 2003.
. o O (Today is the day) I thought. I had scheduled off work that day and the day after. I road the bus to the mall and picked up Zelda: Wind Waker. I had been going to and from court since my sister dd that nonsense. I'd asked my mother to let me take Zach as a witness to tell what actually happened, she was being a stupid bitch about it all. She said he's too young and impressionable for court... I said "I'M GOING TO FUCKING GO TO JAIL BECAUSE SOMEONE'S LYING!!! DON'T YOU FUCKING CARE? I JUST WANT TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE, GO TO SCHOOL AND HAVE MY OWN PLACE!!!" But, today wind waker came out.

Today and tomorrow I wasn't going to worry about it. I played all day on my t.v. which I'd brought to my mom's house. I put on headphones and played all night. I didn't sleep. I kept playing. I was, during the time I played, happy. Nothing else mattered. My world was shattering around me. My family was ruining my life. At that time there was a girl, Melissa Rivas, I'd met from some church something or another I'd talk to on the phone. She was 17 and I was 19 I thought she was 18 and she thought I was about 17. I really liked her... but mostly it was wind waker that made me happy.

Looking back I feel like since I had my happiness, my one little piece of joy, it was enough to keep me happy enough to talk to a girl without being a complete pool of depression. My mom would yell at me for talking to her alone in my room... I've always been a private person, but my mom would make it out as if I was taking advantage of this girl and I'm some dirty pervert just cause I talked to her after 10pm. I was upset my mom put all these stupid rules about me talking to a girl I genuinely liked [and didn't have in mind to sleep with... I just wanted to spend time with her. I, oddly, never really thought about even kissing her... I just liked her company and how she made me feel].

I'd play wind waker and I was happy. Sailing the seas on a quest to save the world. Roaming free in the world. Free. Free to do what I want. Saving the world too.

Time passed and I still had my game cube. I had metroid prime 1 and 2. I had a DS. Metroid Prime 2 I could relate too... all too well.

I'd stopped talking to Melissa... for probably the dumbest of reasons... but still it seems like an okay reason also. Mostly I looked at where my life was. I didn't have a stable living situation, my family was crazy, I had little control over my life and I felt like it was going to end. I loved her and didn't want to put her through that shit. Not when I had a horrible family... no one deserved to deal with my family, especially not someone I cared about... My friend, who I knew from church, Clint, ran into me at the mall. him and his dad gave me a ride home and his dad was talking to me about it. It was after I'd already broken it off with her. He said "you gotta at least try and see where it goes." not verbatim, but pretty much that's what it meant. I still didn't fucking listen. I just didn't want her around my family. I don't want any girl I like around my family... to this day if I see a girl on OKCupid or PoF saying they're family oriented and family's a big thing and they want a guy who's close with his family I wont go anywhere near them. I wont talk to them. I avoid those girls. When I hear girls say that I avoid them.

I wonder what might've happened if I listened to him. But I didn't and my life is what it is.

So, I find out about Zelda:Minish cap. I'm living with My brother and sister in a condo our dad got for us. They don't bother me as much as they used to and I stay in my room more than normal. I just don't talk to them much. I play my gamecube.

I go down and to see Ashley B [a.k.a. Girl #2]. I play a rom of Minish cap and I love it. It's happiness.
I buy it as soon as it comes out in America. I just ignore my siblings, go to work, and save money and come home and play gamecube, but I get to play Minish cap whereever I am as long as I have free time. I play and play and it's that small part of happiness I have each day.

Fast forward...
2006.
Twilight Princess comes out on the gamecube and wii. I'm staying at my moms and end up having to sell my gamecube to buy food for my younger brother. To this day I wish I would've stolen food or something. I never played through another zelda game since. Nor any other games I really cared to play. That one little source of happiness and that one little escape I had at the end of the day was gone.

When I think about it that's what I've always had. When I was 4 and my family picked on me I'd play N.E.S. and zone out and forget they exist and be happy. I'd have my small piece of joy, even if just for a moment, each day. I no longer had it.


Yesterday.
I'd been watching a long play of Twilight princess. A long play, in videogames, is where someone plays through the game and records it so others without access [or desire to actually play] can watch the game and experience it. While watching it I started to feel that joy I used to feel. That peace I've always found in games. I guess it might be a psychological thing... association. It's something I've come to associate with peace and freedom and joy. It reminds me of blah blah blah blah blah. You know.

And this girl, this annoying fucking girl, comes over. I think I might want to fuck her maybe. It'd been a while since I last got laid. So I let her in. And... well I wish I didn't. Cause I really just wanted to relax and watch the long play. She's talking during it and wants to watch Archer... whatever I put on Archer cause she's ruining my video. I'd told her earlier she could spend the night... I wish I didn't [especially since I always keep my promises]. I'm trying to chill out and at least listen to music from Twilight princess... she's talking during that and saying irritating things about the music... I turn it off and she's blabbing on and on about shit I don't give a shit about. Really petty nonsense and superficial bullshit.

Then she goes to bed and eventually go to sleep with her. Horrible cuddler that girl... I start to have sex and her pussy smells like rancid fish... what the fuck? I stop and go in the other room to relax and watch my long play and she comes in and starts blabbing again...

I pretend to sleep and eventually she goes to bed and then I actually fall asleep.
She takes fucking forever to leave my house and she's still saying stupid petty nonsense... seriously, I just want her to go but I'm not mean enough to tell her to get the fuck out of my house.


So I go to this place I've been checking out for a job. I get one and I start tomorrow.
I decided that when I get money from my income tax I'm buying a new Zelda game and some headphones. Well I have a PS3... but fuck sony. I realize I function so much better in life when I have that one little thing to keep my happy. I feel like I might need it. I've been such a wreck the past 6 years and those years I didn't have it.

I used to be able to stay home all day and not even care about girls. And I was happy. HAPPY. That's a big deal for me. Being happy. I didn't think about suicide. I was just happy.


So I've been doing work, more than usual, towards planning to [in order of steps] 1. get a game that will make me feel happy for immediate happiness and 2. get my own fucking place where I can have whatever I want, collection of swords without stupid fucking sibs to flip out over them.

That's all I really need. This is what my life is about now, getting that and ensuring I can secure it. Anything that goes towards realizing that goal I'll do.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Girls I really liked... sometimes it was love, sometimes not.

Michelle Anderson...
Erica Cruz...
Carmen..
Emily Dobbins...
Emily Ballard...
Nancy B...[what was her..] Bailey
Ashley White..
Girl from anime club... what was her name again... oh well
Xarah...

So far the sad thing about this is that I never even kissed any of the above mentioned girls. There were other girls, whom I also liked and never got very far with. I feel it's useful to write about it and figure out what went wrong and why it never worked out. And what was going right.

Melissa Rivas.
Here's a story about a boy and a girl...
At the time I was 19 and had be legally banished from Oberlin, OH. My Older two siblings, who I shared an apartment with, were concerned about my throwing star collection, 2' katana [very nice blade... I miss it], Johnny the homicidal maniac comic collection, Venom comics, and my distance from them. In summer 2002 I'd lived in North Olmsted with them and my dad. We all enrolled in the community college.

In N. Olmsted I was always at work or out of the house at the Skate park learning how to skateboard or aggressive rollerblading. I avoided being home with them. When I was home I was usually in my room and didn't talk to them much. When they'd go to Detroit, MI to visit family I often times didn't bother to go, cause it meant I could be at home alone and have peace. Sometimes I'd lie about having to work on those days.

One day at the skate park some kids destroyed the vending machine so they could get free drinks. On another day I was at the park skating [rollerblading that day] and as I was leaving the cops showed up. I was the only black kid around. They singled me out and told me to come over and talk to them. I asked what it was about and one of the cops called me a nigger, told me to shut the fuck up and another tackled me. They maced me in the eyes and kicked me while I was on the ground and screamed for me to stop resisting and put hand cuffs on me. I wasn't resisting.

On the way to the police station they scolded me and told me I was a horrible person. I told the officer driving I had no idea what was going on and he told me to shut up and said that "people like me" are always causing trouble and we don't belong in his neighborhood.

I spent three days in jail before my mom brought I.D. [at the time I was 18 and had no form of ID at all. No license or anything]. I went to court and was charged with assault on an officer, vandalism, trespassing [on a fucking public park... seriously?], destruction of property, and various other nonsense. I was given a, roughly, $2,500 fine and put on a year of probation. My plans to join the military were gone. I wanted to join the Air Force and then never speak to my family again... now I wasn't aloud. Couldn't even join the Marines or Army. Not even the national guard. Navy? nope.

So eventually I'd moved to Oberlin and lived with my two siblings. My sister knew about my case and my charges, as did the rest of my family, cause I figured it's not a big deal if I give them that information. Well, they didn't like that I had all the knives, stars, my sword, and comics. They said my comics were evil and demon possessed and that I could flip out at any moment and they were scared cause I had all those weapons.

So my sister would often threaten to call the cops and say I'd hit her cause she knew that it would take me off of probation and I'd go to jail for over 6 years. Cause the judge had said I'm on a years probation but if I commit specific crimes [pretty much anything worse than a traffic ticket] than I'll get the full sentence [for something I didn't even do]. My sister would try to use this to get me to do shit for her.

One day she called the police and lied and said I hit her. Cause she was mad that I wouldn't let her put a peed up blanket in my room. Over some really petty shit.

So, the Judge told me I'm not aloud in Oberlin for the time being except to go to court. I was also not aloud to go to school cause there was a restraining order on me from my Sister and Brother who went to my school. I was staying at my mom's house now. Which wasn't a whole lot better than being at mine with my two crazy room mates [my brother and sister].

I went to some church thing and met this Girl, Melissa Rivas. I don't remember why I was there, but we'd gone to Pizza hut. I had stepped outside to get some air and she was out there and started talking to me. I don't remember what we chatted about, but we talked for a while. And she gave me her phone number.

Later when I got home I called her and we talked for hours and hours about everything and nothing at all. We agree to meet at the mall the next day. We just walked around for a bit and talked. I played the piano for her. And then my ride home showed up and hers did too. She kissed me on the cheek and went home. After a while of us hanging out [never actually kissed her] I felt like my family is too insane and right now I'm not in much of a position to escape them. I thought this was eventually going to fall apart, we weren't going to last. So I broke it off with her. I mean, we weren't dating... but we might as well have been.

She was pretty sad about it. I told her that my family is just really crazy and I don't want her to have to deal with them. I went a while of not speaking to any girls no matter how much I liked them. No one deserved to deal with my stupid fucking family.

Eventually in court I win my case. However the police had confiscated my sword, throwing stars and knives, and my siblings threw out most of my comic books. I wrote out, on a piece of paper, an award made to look like something you get from work or school [where it has a line for you to write a name on it. It was actually modeled after my chemistry award for excellence] that said "Jackass of the year" and one that said "Stupid cunt liar of the year" and put my brothers name on the line for jackass of the year and my sisters for stupid cunt liar of the year and put it in their rooms when they weren't home.

I feel like they both collectively owe me over $500 from that moment for just the comics, stars, sword, and knives. This doesn't factor in that I now owe the school money since I had to drop my classes and it wasted my time when I could've been going to class. Nor that since I owed the school money for dropping my classes at that time I wasn't able to get financial aid anymore. Doesn't fact that in at all. However in the future whenever they do shit for me I feel no need to ever pay them back. They owe me. They both tried to fuck me. They tried really hard to fuck me too.



PART II
Years pass.
I'm 22 now. My mom had kicked me out for the 50 millionth time over something petty like I wouldn't let her use my phone and run up my bill like she did on my phone when it was a phone my dad was paying for. She racked up a $900 bill in a month once. No way in hell she's coming near my phone, ever. Or maybe it was cause I wouldn't give her my entire pay check and instead I'd asked for a specific amount to pay her a month for rent and a specific day to pay it. I don't know, it was always some stupid reason and this had been going on since my parents divorced.

I was homeless but I at least had a car. And a job. I mostly stayed at my friend Ryo's house during this time. I'd buy groceries for his mom and toss her some money for letting me stay and she always told me I paid too much.

One day at Ryo's I was on his computer chatting with people on AIM. And Melissa Rivas pops up online. I hadn't talked to her in three years. She asks if I'd like to hang out and catch up. I say sure and drive out to meet her. We're just driving around in my car chatting for a while. And she says she's gotta go to work soon and asks if I can drop her off at home, I tell her I could just drop her off at work.

She's texting me asking if I want to go to this club with her later that night. I say sure.
So I'm chilling at Ryo's and I'm talking to him about this girl and how I'd known her before but I had let her slip away and wish I didn't. He's saying he understands cause my family is stupidly crazy. Eventually it's time to go to the club and I hop in my car and drive out there.

I pay like $5 to get in or something. It's some Puetorican club. I order a drink and sit down and relax. I watch as they play music and everyone rushes to the dance floor, then the music shifts to some slow song and everyone rushes off the floor and gets drinks until they play another fast song and everyone rushes back on the dance floor again.

Melissa texts me that she's here. I find her and she's with some guy. I say hello to her and start to ask who her friend is when he cuts me off and says "That's disrespectful, you always greet a man first before you talk to his bitch." This jackass is 5'2" and I'm 5'10" I tell him "I don't know who you are. I've know Melissa, who's name isn't bitch." Melissa tells me he's just a friend of hers and gives me a hug. She goes on the dance floor with him and I'm drinking my drink and I see her kiss him and start making out while they're dancing.

I leave. She catches me leaving and texts me and asks "Where're you going?"
I respond "I don't want to talk to you anymore, bye." I go out in the parking lot and get in my car and drive back to Ryo's. She's texting and calling me the whole way there. I don't respond. I just delete the texts and I don't answer my phone. But she keeps calling, over and over.

At Ryo's I answer the phone during one of her calls and she's on the other line telling me that he's just a friend of hers and she wants to see me again. I tell her I'm done with her. I don't want to talk to her anymore. She asks why I'm upset. I tell her goodbye and hang up. She keeps calling over and over and I answer and say "Please, just stop calling me. I don't want to talk to you anymore." and it's short stacks on the other line bragging about how he's going to fuck her. I say "Well maybe she's into midgets or she really digs that great health plan you get working for Santa. I don't know, you have fun with that, just stop calling me." and I hang up. He's texting how he's gonna kick my ass. Ryo's laughing his ass off saying "Aw... that's so cute, Keebler wants to fight you." and I say "I'd be mad too if I had to bake cookies in a tree. That's gotta be really dangerous during the dry seasons."

Ryo says "Santa probably doesn't pay him enough."
And we go on talking about his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, his job working for santa, making shoes, and baking cookies in a tree, and various other jokes about his stature. But I didn't answer any more calls from Melissa's phone. She texted me the next say wanting to hang out. I didn't respond.

I didn't talk to her again for years. And even years later I just happened to see her on AIM and she chatted with me asking how things had been. She asked if I was single. I said "Melissa, I'm not going there with you again. Last time you hurt me pretty bad. You were with some douche bag who called you a bitch and treated you like shit after you'd invited me to come out to the club with you. It's no secret I liked you."

She said sorry and complained that every guy she's dated is an asshole and that I'm really nice and she always liked me. I said "It's not my fault you date assholes. You had your chance, but you fucked it up. Best of luck to you." Apparently she has 3 kids now and the fathers around around.

I never spoke with her again after that last time [roughly 2009 or 2010... I don't recall].

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Well... recently i've been working [fucking finally] and haven't gone out much.
I'm about to tonight.

I guess I'll write about hmm... XARAH! Cause that's pretty short and something I consider somewhat of a success... sorta.

I was 18 years old, Just finished High school. It was Summer 2002.
I lived in this apartment complex called the West Bury, really nice place. On the 17th floor. I slapped on my roller blades and was heading out to the skate park, when I got out of the Elevator there was some chick waiting in the Lobby. Really cute girl. Back then I'd never heard a word about Pick Up... While I assumed such a thing must exist I hadn't discovered that yet.

I was also insanely shy [I'm pretty sure at this point in my life I'd asked out a grand total of 3 girls... Yeah... 3]. So I just walked up to her and said hello and she said hi back and told me her name was Xarah and we started talking. She asked where I was headed and said she was waiting on a ride. We chatted for a bit and then she gave me her phone number and we chatted some more and then I left to go to the skate park.

evidently I skated with her two brotheres [twins] all day that day and walked home with them.
I call her up and she wants to go to the pool and go swimming with me, we go swimming and go to the mall and consistently hang out. She's always flirting with me but I'm beyond oblivious to it and I keep wanting to ask her out, but I never did.

One night her and her friend take me to the club [first time I ever went to a club]. It was called insomnia and they're sneaking drinks to me that they're getting off guys who're buying for them. I don't get drunk but I had lots of fun.

Eventually I moved. And when I move I never see her again.
But it was the first time I cold approached a random stranger in my life. And it worked out.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Wednesday... 2-13-13

Discovered I had money from my income tax and decided to leave the house, despite it being wednesday, and try to meet new people. Also I was going to pay Hayley back for buying me booze. I bought a rather large bottle of Jameson, her favorite, and rode the bus to her house. When I knocked they asked who it was, I said Nick. The girl didn't know who I was. I knocked again and the guy realized who I was and said Hayley's not there. I said I was dropping off a bottle of Jameson and knocked again. He got angry and yelled at me to leave. I knocked again and he finally opened the door, I handed him the bottle and said it was for Hayley since she bought me booze when she'd come over. I said I was sorry to bother him, I just wanted to drop it off since I was there. He said thanks and he's let her know I stopped by. I said okay and left.

I went to the Bronx... it was dead. But I'd been there many times and got a drink without tipping so I bought a $2 beer [the usual] and left a $7 tip [which roughly made up for all the times I didn't tip]. I drank my beer and headed off to 3rd street bar. There was one really hot chick who was with some guy and 3 girls who're by themselves, but pretty fat. I ordered a shot and a beer and went out for a smoke and didn't bother socializing... they were fat and not that attractive.

Some guy is chatting with me and he's new in town and wants to know where to go around town. We finish our drinks and head to the Old Miami I tell him how it's busy on friday's and Saturdays. There were 3 girls there. The bartender, her friend and some other girl. He apparently gets one of the girls numbers, I just chatted with the bartender... She was with her boyfriend so I didn't bother trying to go anywhere with that. Her friend was engaged...

We left and went to Temple Bar. The guy I was with said he felt out of place. At Temple there was a pretty hot chick and some girl who kept flirting with me that I wasn't into. I just said fuck it and enjoyed myself but didn't bother trying to get any numbers or anything... I was a bit frustrated so I might as well have fun.


I got a ride home and went to sleep and worked in the morning.


Thursday 2-14-13.
Same as always. I went to work, got home from work and spent the day alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone all day. I didn't want to acknowledge anything special was happening at all. I just passed the time. I made sure not to speak with anyone in the even they might bring up V-Day and have me feeling like shit like I usually do on V-Day. Rose, a girl from work I'd added on facebook on Tuesday, messaged me on facebook and was talking about some V-Day dinner she was going to. I just responded politely but never went into depth about anything and eventually left the convo... I didn't want to talk about it, but I didn't want to broadcast that I'm depressed either.

Friday 2-15-13.
I went to work in the morning and then afterwards I dyed my hair. I was going for leopard print but ended up with some marble looking pattern when I rinsed it out and the colors bled. Eh... it can work...

I Went to Temple first. It was dead and it was Karaoka.... not my thing.
So I go to the old miami and it's packed. I see two cute girls at the bar in front of me ready to order drinks. But I just didn't know what to say and said nothing. The bartender remembered me from Wed.. I order my drinks and go outside and sit by the fire. There's this cute redhead. I start talking to her. She mentions the show Archer and we're talking about T.V. and such. I asked her for a light and I'm smoking a cig. Then, this guy I'd met inside comes out and we're all joking and talking and I ask for her facebook. She tells me I can just get his instead... hmm... They leave. I go inside and I'm just kinda bummed out. I go and start talking to some guys about videogames for a bit and the bar closes and I start walking home.

I get to this place called City Club. It's a goth club. I go inside and it's really weird and everything seems to revolve around the dance floor at this point. But everyone's dancing all weird and shit and I don't like to dance normally. I felt rather out of place and alienated and for a while didn't speak to anyone. Then some girl lets me see her hula hoop and I'm doing tricks but I'm not that good.... I guess I'm a bit of a perfectionist so I don't think I'm doing so good with it.

I start doing some weird halfasses dance like everyone else is and then go to the bathroom. There's some really hot chick dressed in pink and black. I want to see what's up with her... but I'm not sure how... She's dancing and keeps dancing with some dude... so I just don't bother. Some gay guy see's me break dancing and we have a mini dance off which consists of us just doing whatever screwing around... Then I see some other girl in the corner and figure I'll try dancing with her and chatting... but well... I just ended up near her but never dancing with her... It was rather confusing and a bit frustrating.

So, I just start doing free running tricks, gymnastics, and a bit of ballet [all pretty half asses] mixed in with Akuma's and M.Bison [dictator] stances from streetfighter and a bit of shadow boxing and some girl comes over to me and says I'm good at dancing. . o O (what the fuck... nononononono, that's not dancing at all) I think. Me and her are chatting and she says I'm good at hula hooping and I say I'm really not that great and she said I was good enough to get her attention. I mention a lot of hula hooping feels like a variation of bo staff techniques, which I only know the basics of. She mentions she knows how to use a staff and she can see the comparison. Strobe lights come on and everyone's just going crazy doing whatever and it looks like fun, I try it... it was... different.

I go and sit by the staff girl and we're talking. She's telling me about some philosophy and I mention my joke religion which she thinks is funny. Then I asked if she had facebook, she says she's from Chicago [and I think she's full of shit and just doesn't want to add me]. I say, okay, and go to get my stuff cause I'm about to go home. I run into hula hoop girl and she gives me her name to add on facebook [after I'd asked].

btw, when I first got there the girl at the door was commenting on my hair and said she wants to dye it. She was kinda cute... she gave me her number... I texted her that I'm me. Last night [Saturday], She responded back with hello. Other than that I haven't talked to her at all.


Saturday.
I worked 4pm-1am.
Then I went home and went to sleep.
At work there aren't any girls I'm attracted to. Okay, there is one, but she's engaged...

However it is important to note that my social strategy at work has significantly changed and seems to be working out rather well. I used to just do my job and talk very little and not socialize with my co-workers. But people always had problems with me doing that. So now I drop the occasional joke here and there and observe how much others joke and do so accordingly. I figure this makes it less likely I'll get fired or face the discrimination I usually face at work.

However it's worth noting that most people at my job have a decent sense of humor and their jokes are clever. I've worked places where people tell jokes that just aren't funny at all [cause they're dumbasses] and they think I'm weird cause I'm not laughing at their jokes.

Sunday.... Today.
I thought about heading out to Northern Lights. Hayley says I should go up there if I wanna hang out sometime. But I don't want to go and I haven't said a word to Hayley since I dropped off that bottle. I haven't cared. In an ideal setting, for me, we'd be dating and she wouldn't lie about being too busy to hang out and so on. But this isn't the case... So I'm just not talking to her anymore.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

It's payday but it's too busy to pick up my check.
I'm hungry... and broke... and I have to work today. I want to pick up the check before I go to work so I can get some food [probably from work].

Yesterday...
I went to this thing called open hack.... I think that's what it's called.
It's a group of people who do things like make robots, beer, computer programing, etc.. They make shit. Some are artists and others are inventors.

While there I saw two girls who were cute.... I didn't really bother doing any more than saying hello and introducing myself. Then I got a beer and didn't bother to chat with them. Instead I was watching someone build a robot... well he was programming code into it and telling me about it. I grabbed another beer and my back started hurting again... Seriously it fucking hurt.

So I sat on this comfy chair and some girl came over and was knitting a scarf. She told me her name and we chatted about making your own alcohol and what she was knitting. I got up and got myself some pizza.

Eventually before I was leaving I ran into knitting girl again and asked if she had facebook. She said I might not want to add her cause she'd already talked about me on facebook. She mentioned I apparently pissed her off on OKCupid and she wrote about what I'd said. I didn't remember what she claimed I said at all. But I didn't talk to her as much after that. I decided not to add her on facebook either. And to never go back to open hack since she goes there and most likely talks shit about me.

I got a ride home from one of the guys there. He gave me his number... but i have no intention of ever calling him. He doesn't have mine.

I'd rather not go back there if she's there and she apparently talks bad about me already. I've been places where people trash talk me before. It's not fun and doesn't work out. I'd rather not do that again.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Sat. 2-23-13
Worked a loooooooooong shift [10am-12am]. 14 hour days... yey!! I like money.

After work I went to a bar. At the bar there was no where to sit and it was crowded so I left after I finished my drink. Then I wandered off to City club to see what the fuck it's all about when people are actually there...

It was crowded. Lot's of hot chicks. Unfortunately I ended up talking to one girl all night thinking shit was going to go somewhere. At some point I was "dancing". I don't think of it as dancing when you're in a goth club... it's weird. People apparently say I'm a good dancer. Mostly I'm just doing a loose form of shadow boxing the whole time. Alternating between different stances, some practical, some impractical, while throwing out kinda toned down attacks. Sometimes extra flashy ones depending on the music.

So I was walking off the dance floor and run into some girl with pink hair and she says she likes mine [it's blue]. I ask if that's her hair or just a wig and she said it was a wig. I run into two guys and they tell me about the smoking room in the basement and we go down there to smoke. While down there the girl shows up and one of the guys is hitting on her and doing a horrible job. I "save" her from him and me and her are talking about Video games. I lost track of time and she gives me her number. Then she's ignoring her phone, but she says she's takes forever to end up liking someone [randomly] and tosses it out there that she's not into casual sex.... fail... I'm so out of my game at this moment.

Then the clubs cleared out and no ones around. So I leave and she's texting me. She tells me she wants to be friends but she's not into black guys. I tell her she's racist and to never text me again. She texts something that I don't read. I delete it and erase her number.

I'm feeling kinda down and as if I wasted money going there. So I eventually make it home and I see on facebook Hayley posted another picture of her and that guy she's always hanging out with. I tell her I can't be friends anymore. It's too depressing, she's not into me and I really like her. Then I defriend her on facebook and erase her number out of my phone.

I erase everything off my okcupid and take down all my pictures.

Sunday 2-24-13
I add new pictures on okc and put some shit on my profile and so on.
And start messaging a few girls. I get a few responses but they're all rather neutral. I'm not sure why I'm fucking this up or how to fix it. I've been at it all day.

I called this Therapist to try and set up meetings for therapy. I got his voice mail. At the moment I've been getting rid of everyone who makes me feel shitty. LIke Hayley, the girl from the club, etc.. I don't know what I should be doing to get better and not feel so depressed. I don't know how to get better with girls either. But I'm doing the best I can.

At work I've been picking up extra hours when I can. Not entirely cause I want or need the money. Mostly cause when I'm at home alone I get depressed. When I'm at work I'm not thinking of the shit that depresses me. I'm thinking about work.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Going to buy these custom shoes and I'm currently looking for A sonic the hedgehog hoody online and keep finding hoodies I don't like.

I'm going for a few themes here with clothing. The idea is to take these images [that I'm about to post] an get clothing that incorporates the general theme of it all.

Well, here's one outfit I came up with that's sonic the hedgehog inspired. The shoes I posted Plus these.



And blue or black jeans with that.


Then I want to make outfits for these... but I need to head off to bed so I'll just post the pics and not search for clothing at the moment. I'll find the clothes later.


A white belt, black pants, red shoes [the sonic shoes will work actually, and I already have a red hoody with black sleeves that start at the shoulders and the hood is black. I actually bought that hoody cause it reminded me of the above. People seem to like that hoody.

I want to get more clothing I can theme after that image.


Also this one here [which is conveniently a lot of read as well].


I used to have a long yellow scarf [which I bought because of protoman], but it was stolen. People always commented on that scarf and it was rather warm. For this I would go with Red shoes, grey pants, Red belt, A grey shirt with red sleeves, the scarf [if it's cold out] and sun glasses. Possibly a red hat. However if it's warm out and a scarf is over kill than um... well I'm not sure. It's not that important [okay it is a pretty essential part for the theme, however grey and red works anyway].

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Yesterday
Tuesday 2-26-13
Elise...

This story actually starts almost a year ago. About a year or so ago I lived near Wayne State University and I went to my friend Harolds house and as I left he gave me a pack of smokers Choice.... ew...

On my way home I walked through WSU and by the library I saw a guy and a girl outside smoking cigs. We chatted for a while, the girl was pretty hot. I assumed they were dating. I think I got the guys facebook I don't remember. If I did he's been erased by now since as some point between then and now I erased ALL of my contacts on facebook.

Yesterday.
It was my offday and I was sitting around the house listening to Radiohead. I hopped on OKCupid and was a bit annoyed that this girl I'd been talking to was online but wasn't messaging me back. I wasn't going to message her again, if she wasn't interested what was the point? I was tired to looking at clothes I want to create and order without having the money to do so. I didn't feel like writing or playing soul calibur or watching a movie. I really wanted to do something. Something other than sitting around listening to radiohead.

I left the house and went to WSU, it was cold rain out... which sucked. When I get to WSU I run into Steve and bear and they go to the Sprint store. On the way we ran into no girls I cared to talk to.

/*speaking of such, early that day I read some nonsense about where to meet girls where the Author says the problem is that people assume they have to go to a nightclub or something but you can meet girls anywhere. Which is half horseshit. The author says you can meet girls where ever you go blah blah blah. But the author fails to mention or cover things like places where there aren't girls vs places where there are girls. Or places where there are less attractive girls vs places where there are more attractive girls. Or where to go to look for specific types of girls.

It's like fishing. A Skatepark is like a sandy dessert. Well, about 99% of the time skateparks are dry wastelands. See, when I skateboarded and rollerbladed I NEVER went to a skatepark to pick up chicks nor did anyone who went to the parks I was going to. In N.Olmsted skatepark I went there everyday during the summer when I didn't have a job. Usually in the morning and I stayed rather late before going home. Most weeks you ran into about 1 girl and she was with her boyfriend who met her somewhere other than the skatepark. Randomly in about a months time you might see a girl out there skating, but it was a rare sight to see. On a list of places to meet girls skateparks wouldn't appear. Not if it was a good list.

Now this park was near a mall. After skating a lot of us would go to the mall and walk around. Most of the guys would go to the mall to pick up chicks. But they went at specific times.

-If you go to the mall early in the morning you'll see old people walking laps for their old people exercise and there will be a few store clerks. Yes, you COULD game the store clerks, but it's really a waste of time to show up early in the morning [unless you're doing so only cause of your schedule].
-In the afternoon, [by the way I'm talking about a weekday at the mall] before school lets out there's a bit more traffic in the mall. Generally everyone is over 18 at this point.
-Then there's that time around 4pm-8pm which is a little after school let out and people who work 9-5's are getting off of work. At this point in time the mall is at it's highest volume of people. People of all ages. The high school kids are hanging out, the adults are shopping after work. Etc..

There's also a where to go withing the mall. The food court features EVERYONE cause everyone has to eat. So you'll see all types of people there.

-Game stop features kids with their mom's and dad's looking to buy games, chicks who play video games , guys who play games, etc. It attracts people who have an interest in video games and girls actually go in there.
-Victoria Secrect has guys shopping for their girlfriends, Hot chicks who wear sexy lingerie, and seldom has older woman, out of shape women, 12 year olds, and various other types of women guys usually have no interest in.
-Dicks sporting goods has Soccer moms shopping for their sons and daughters sporting needs, Dad's doing the same, Athletic types [guys and girls] who play sports, etc. Even that can be broke down. Say you want a girl who plays tennis or just want to find a new tennis partner [note, I've intentionally done this before.]. Head over to the tennis supplies and browse around looking for the racquet and balls you want. If you browse around long enough you may just run into someone who plays tennis, and hey you need a new tennis buddy cause playing against the wall just isn't the same as with someone on the other side of the court. If it's a guy, why the hell not? Chat with him and become friends and now you have someone to play tennis with and who knows, he might know a few girls that play. If it's a girl, do the same. Aside from finding someone you can play tennis with you've also found a girl you can potentially fuck after doing some shit you like to do.

You get the idea at this point I'm sure.

Skatepark = bad place to look for girls
Mall = good place to look for girls as long as you know WHEN to go there and where in the mall to go. If you're looking for something specific there are plenty of places to go in the mall by itself.
Saying you can pick up girls anywhere = horseshit.

What the article seemed to be targeted towards were guys who have the mindset they have to go to a bar or singles club to pick up girls. It was for people who have a poor mindset that they can't pick up girls anywhere they see them. I decided to read it thinking it would give logistics or places you can meet girls and why some locations are bad and come are not. e.g. Talking about how in a skatepark there are little girls while at the mall there are many. Or even mentioning the differences between picking up a chick at a special interest event [e.g. Concert, Anime convention, Church, A Club] where everyone is there for the event and already has an interest in common vs a more practical location [e.g. School, work, the grocery store, the BMV, Hospital] where the thing you have in common is something you have in common with nearly the entire population [thus making it a little more difficult to connect].

I think I may have to consort with a few people to work on a list of places to go and meet chicks. Reason I need to involve others is that I go to events like Anime Conventions, The Detroit Electronic Music Fest, SkateParks, cage fights, and art galleries [amongst other things]. It's limited to the sorts of places there are to go. Someone else may go to football games, live bands, house parties [which brings up the idea of also mentioning how to get involved in some of these events], and spa's. These would have a different crowd dynamic going on. The point would be to give a layout of what the terrains are like and the pro's and con's of each place and times you want to go and a list of things you should know before entering these area's.

I find myself giving the low down of different Venues to people I know a lot of times. Like telling my friends about Oberlin, OH and how they can meet chicks there and where to go to find them. Granted I'm not the best at getting the chicks but I still know where they are and a little about how they act compared to in other locations. I'll tell you now that I wish I lived in Oberlin and not Detroit. Detroit I see girls everywhere all the time when I leave the house but I'm usually not interested in them. I find that I have to venture a long journey to mid-town from where I live [roughly 8 miles away, and I walk/ride the bus]. In Mid-town the girls aren't so ghetto fabulous. Detroit is still better than Lorain, OH. In Lorain there were ghetto chicks in the library and scattered throughout town. They didn't wander around outside on a regular basis. They'd usually get in their cars and drive out of town cause that town sucked. The options for meeting a decent girl in lorain seemed limited to grocery shopping [Even at the grocery store I went to I never ran into anyone decent] or going to the bar on the weekends [and still lots of ghetto trash in the bars]. I was most likely missing something...

But in Oberlin all I had to do was leave the house and go for a walk and I would run into 7 I actually talked to but never met before.
*/


So, I'm go to the sprint store with Bear and Steve. No girls. Then we go to Bears house and stop at the liquor store on the way. Two pretty hot chicks come in and Bear says he likes their hair. I said nothing and they disappeared into the back by the cooler as I was getting rung up. Steve and Bear were leaving so I left instead of chatting with the two hot chicks [a lot of times this is why I go out solo instead of with someone when I want to meet girls].

At Bears I smoked some weed and drank a beer and eventually left cause he said his mom would get pissed that I was there when he just said he was inviting steve over. Gotta hang out with more friends who have their own places.... So I leave and it's snowy as shit out. They said they'd call and let me know when to ocme back... I walked on my way home instead of killing time like they suggested. I stopped at a bar and filled out an app cause I was too broke to get drinks. I really just wanted to warm up a bit more.

This girl recognizes me from when I had the smokers choice cigs. We're chatting and she's very friendly and kinda hot. She mentions something to the guy behind the bar about some place they went together and it threw me off a bit... but I ignored it. I went to the bathroom, then finished my application and turned it in. Elise, the girl there, was leaving and so was I. I asked is she wanted to smoke a cigarette and she joked and said as long as it's not smokers choice.... rewind a bit. When she recognized me she asked if my name was Andrew. I said, no, it's Nick. And said I wasn't sure what her's was and that maybe it was Emily. She said I was close and so was she. I said, No, Andrew and Nick? That's not as Close as two names that start with an E.

When I turned in my app the bartender said "you're andrew right." I ignored that statement and as he's reading it he said "Oh, Nick. My bad."

Anyway as we're out smoking I give her a cig and I have mine. I light mine and she says "Nick, when you're hitting on a lady you should always light her cigarette." I lit her cigarette but wasn't sure what to make of her comment. I don't remember what she was initially talking about but I directed it into a conversation about Oberlin, OH and she wanted to know more about it and was asking me questions. Then our cigs were done and I asked for her phone number. She put in it and said "You only have 25 contacts?" I wasn't sure what to respond to that or why it mattered... So I didn't respond to it. And she said to text her later. I said I would when I got home cause it's could out and I gotta catch the bus.

I texted her something. I think I said I enjoyed talking to her and that she's cute. OH! I asked her where she was from and she said Hamtramc and I said I didn't know where that was. She started telling me how it used to be a polish Ghetto and I asked if it was still like that and she started to explain what she meant when she said Ghetto and I interrupted and said "A ghetto is definitely not the same as THE ghetto." She said "Yeah, exactly." And she mentioned something about how it's kinda progressive and open minded and I said it reminds me of Oberlin and she asked about Oberlin and I told her about it and blah blah blah. And how as progress and open as it is all the towns around it were kinda racist. She said most Progressive towns seem to be surrounded by horrible towns.

Then our cigs were done.
Anyway she didn't respond and I texted again saying "Soooo... what's up?" I think that was a mistake but I wasn't sure if I should just never text again or say something. She didn't respond to that either so I never texted her again.

I think I fucked that one up.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Thursday [today] 2-28-13
. o O (I'm 29, which isn't divisible by 4... and the end date of the year also isn't divisible by 4 so....) tomorrow is the 1st.

Last night I told my friend a story. I don't remember how it came about. Thinking of the story is what got me to leave the house today and do what I decided to do.

The story starts off with me in a coffee shop hanging out with a friend while this girl was being a bitch. She got in my face and I told her to fuck the fuck off and leave me alone and she started yelling and screaming at me and I ignored her and continued on with what I was doing. To me she was a fly I couldn't slap, best to pretend it doesn't exist and maybe it will go away.

A few days later I'm walking to the coffee shop and saw a friend smoking a cig. I asked the friend for a cig and she was there with them. She got in my face again and yelled and screamed and I noticed something and said "I like your eye shadow. It's green, that's different." She looked confused and paused and said "Thank you." and stopped bitching at me.

A few days later while I'm in the shop she's there with a few of her friends. She comes over and starts talking to me and introduces me to a few of her friends and we hang out. And as the weeks passed me and her, Hayley, became pretty good friends. She had a friend, Aleah, who was pretty cute and really nice all the time. I liked Aleah, still do.

But, well, Aleah was underage so I never bothered with anything more than hanging out with Aleah... but this isn't a story about Aleah.

About a year after the day I met Hayley I ran into her and I had been on a letter writing kick. I was writing to a friend of my out of state and we kept putting hidden messages in our letters. She wanted me to write her a letter too. I wasn't sure I wanted to, but she convinced me to write her. While I was at home I started to write her a letter and then it happened. I started to feel something for Hayley I thought I'd never feel. I started to like this girl. I really didn't want to. It didn't make sense. I didn't want to like her at all.... I tried to rationalize it away. I tried to think of other girls.

For a week I didn't go up to the shop and I just went other places where I knew Hayley wasn't at. I hoped this was just a passing thing, that I'd stop liking her eventually. It wasn't.

I wrote her her letter. It had 3 paragraphs and only three commas. The words after each comma were "I like you.". She was aware of the word after a comma hidden message. After she got her letter she gave me a big hug and kinda avoided me a bit for about a week. Eventually she told me she had a boyfriend and she wasn't sure how to tell me. I said it was cool and secretly I had hoped they'd stay together and eventually this feeling would pass.

And we hung out more and more she introduced me to her mom and little sister who both loved me and apparently asked about me a lot when I wasn't around. On her myspace her profile picture was of me and her and not her and her boyfriend. When I was around she'd often ignore her boyfriend to talk to me. And eventually they broke up and we started hanging out more and more.

And one day she told me a guy had never gotten her flowers before and I picked her out 23 different kinds as I walked around town one day and gave them to her on her birthday. Then she started dating the nerdiest dorkiest guy in the coffee shop. The sorta guy I assumed would never ever find a girl in that place and probably had trouble everywhere else too.

I still remained friends with her but gave up on the idea of dating her. I didn't talk to her as often. People who were close to me started obsessing about her relationship and distancing themselves from me to talk to her about her new boyfriend. Not only was she dating someone else but my friends weren't talking to me as much cause they wanted to know the latest and greatest about her and her new boyfriend.

I just stopped talking to them as much and she was a little upset I didn't talk to her so much anymore. I never gave any reason why I didn't and just would go and do my own thing. She eventually broke up with Nick and started trying to talk to me more and more and I was initially opposed to that idea. But I ran into her almost everyday anyway.

Then she added my friend Steve from my myspace account and kept asking me about him and wanted to me him. Then they started dating. I never went out of my way to introduce the two... And I stopped talking to her and she didn't get it. She didn't understand why I didn't want to talk to her anymore. She asked me and I told her. I said "You're dating everyone around me and not me. How do you think that makes me feel about myself? When I'm around you it's a constant reminder that no one wants me. That the nerdiest guy I've met has a chance with a girl I like but I don't. I can't be friends anymore, it hurts." She still didn't seem to get it. She thought I was mad at her. I told her "Look, I fucking like you. I liked you for a while. I never wanted to like you and even tried not to. But I do and you don't like me, you don't seem to care who you date just as long as it's not me. It's fucking depressing. I can't do this."

She didn't get it then either. I stopped talking to her. I didn't want to anymore. I hung out with Steve less and less too since he was usually with her.


And then I thought of another time when a girl dated everyone around me and didn't seem to give a shit about me. I didn't care at this other point in time. But I had shit to do. I wasn't trying to be with her so much. I would just forget about her and do my own thing and enjoy life.


So, today I decided to get back into stretching and working out. I looked online and got annoyed with what I found so I left the house to go to the library. So girl, Meagan, was messaging me on facebook before I left. I just ignored her. I don't want to talk to girls right now. They're depressing.


On the way to the library I saw no girls I was interested in. While I'm there I got two books on stretching, one for the navy seal work outs, and a book called felon fitness. I figured knowing how to work out in jail means knowing how to work out without equipment and that's a useful thing.

I grabbed Kingdom Come and headed to the youth center and got a book on eminems life and as I was leaving the library there was a cute girl walking next to me. I said nothing to her. Given my past history the odds of rejection or this going nowhere were high and I didn't want that, I wanted something to focus on in life that will make me happy.

I made it to WSU and played a game of MvC3 and chatted for a bit and headed home. On the way home I stopped in a winter clothing store to see if they had goggles. They didn't but this cute girl and a guy who worked there were playing with foam rubber band dart things. A guy in the store shot his and said "I'm not going to get mine, cause I'm cool like that." I said "Cool means 'lazy' these days?" He laughed and said "yeah I guess it does."

I asked how much the hula hoops are and notice it was a shitty hoop anyway and the girl said they aren't for sale and they suck anyway and mentioned she knows a girl who makes them. So I asked for her facebook and me her and the guy working there chatted for a bit before I wandered off.

On my way home I asked a girl outside of a bar for a cig.
She gave me one and it was a camel crush, the kind with the menthol ball inside the filter that you crush to make it a menthol cigarette. I asked if she ever tried one with two of the balls in it and she said no and asked how you make that. I said you take the filter out and get the ball out of it, then put it in another filter and put it back in then crush both balls and it's extra minty. She mentioned that she "field strips" her cigs when she's done smoking them and the balls freaks her out.

Somehow we're talking about the coffee shop in cleveland. I believe it's cause I said me and my friend there used to do that all the time. I mention how you can smoke in there, it's 24 hours, and people play videogames inside and hacky sack and skateboarding outside. She had mentioned coffee shops with poetry readings before I said that and I mentioned that instead of poetry they have videogames.

She mentions she likes to play sports games [eh...] and call of duty. But she misses NCAA cause it was "less sensitive" than the NBA games. I ask "Do you mean sensitive controls?" She says no, she meants fouls happen all the time and the players flip out and say they didn't foul each other and nonsense like that. I laugh and say that my dad and older brother and I thought sports games lacked this one thing. It was actually my sisters idea, I tell her, that in a sports game the players should have a "risk factor" as a stat. If it's high than things happen like your players get arrested for buying guns, punching out fans in the stands, and other nonsense and then they're suspended and can't play for a while. Or something like a motor cycle accident. She laughs and says I should patent that idea and she's walking back in the bar and I asked if she had facebook. She says yeah and get's my e-mail address to add me and I'm walking away and tell her "you should send me a message." and she says "I surely will."

As I'm walking away I noted that she said she liked sports games and call of duty and that she "field strips" her cigarettes and had very short hair. I could've tossed out a random assumption and asked "What branch are you in?" But she doesn't matter. No girl matters, what matters is me finding something to do that makes me happy.

And so I got home and listening to music and I'm about to smoke some pot.


Also I found a guy selling a modded Wii with 250+ games on it. for only a $50 upcharge, quite a bargain. When I get paid I'll have to grab one off of him. I think of Mario galaxy 1 and 2, both zelda games, all 4 metroid games, plus whatever other random shit is on there will give me plenty of fun time to myself at home. I'll generally be in a better state of mind and happier, which is my current goal right now. And girls have been bringing me down pretty hard.

I learn something and try it out and it doesn't work and I know it's just lack of practice but I still feel hurt and down. Even when I do succeed I realize I'm still not getting the girls I want.

So I've decided to only go for the girls I want, but not to go too far out of my way and to focus more time on just doing whatever the fuck I want to do instead of trying to get a girl. Like wearing clothes I want to wear and will like and whatever else I fucking want to do. I know I'll be going out less and wont meet girls as often, but I'll be happier.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12