What do you do when you have a terrible mess in your head and you don't even know what you want?

I feel extremelly goalless and like life was meaningless to me.

How did you get this way? Are you fresh out of a relationship? Did it just come on out of no where?

If there is a known reason why you feel that way, it makes it a lot easier to figure out how to get out of it. If it came on for seemingly no reason, might take counseling or a doctor. Could just be a medical thing. But if you lost someone or something important to you recently or something like that, then it could be just normal withdrawal.

I have sex. it makes things better and forget about other issues.

It feels like nothing has value, even if I had sex I find it plain and boring.
I just see how useless everything is, I will die anyways and stuff.
I don't care what happens, but once I start messing things up again I feel even worse than before about myself and my life.
Just like there was no positivity and I didn't know how to regain that in my life, I've read about positivity challenges, but once I do them I just stress myself out because I fake being positive and don't really notice any change in the end. It hurts to be positive.
...and yeah, my gf dumped me, but even WITH her I felt somehow empty, meaningless and emotionless, every day the only reason I really lived was to see her again, I didn't really care much about anything else. (She dumped me for being jellous, which was caused by unability to accept how things are and always will be, I'm still having trouble with that.) (I still text her for fucks sake - I know, one-itis, I should be going out and shit. T__T)

The thing is, I want to be independent, powerful, free, fearless AND fun. But I can't be fun if I'm in this state of negativity.

I actually got spurts of positivity and pleasure today out of myself, but I keep forgetting how I get that done.


Notes:
I'm REALLY unaccepting towards people. If I need to smile, I just hate the fact that I have to and find a way out of it. (I think I would feel bad.)
I can't accept even my own parents sometimes, e.g. someone says something that IS funny, but I force myself to keep the dark state so it wouldn't be broken. (I might be afraid of something?)
I don't see pleasure even in the things I really love - I used to cry because of just the rain, now I couldn't care less, even more powerful stimulus can't bother me emotionally unless I want it to. (I easily ignore emotions but I am still afraid of hurting people or foresaking saint things to me.)
I'm extremelly unactive, even writing on the forums right now feels like shit, but I'm pushing myself, coming here feels like shit and like a thing I've done for a LONG time that now doesn't have much meaning or use to anymore. (It's like I just play a pattern to come here, yes, my life is really repetitive and it's incredibly hard to get out of the routine as I have almost no friends or places to go, my parents are little bitches sitting at home ALL the time (The only event I have gone to in years is a party in another city because of the chorus and even that sucked ass.).

The things that got me feeling better were that simple things are awesome. (I watched a video by RSDTyler where he said you should addict yourself to a lower level of stimulus, e.g. calling the floor awesome could actually make me feel happier (I tried it.) but it didn't last long.)
Feeling that I could be more easily accepted by others. (e.g. I could be lighter and less pushy when I talk to people, like backed off and chill, but also hard to keep this going for long.)
Defining what I think is cool and what is not myself was helpful for a few, but I got unstable and bored.

...and I can't find what I like, because I just don't know how to.
I used to like hardstyle, shuffling, learning pua and meditating but now it just seems like all of those things have faded to me.
Once I try to make something as a hobby, I just wear myself out quickly because I really put it as my main thing then, for a reason I don't even know that makes me feel worse and worse again.

I even got to a state where I thought "they could cut my penis off, I wouldn't care, I feel awesome without sex" a few months ago when I was still with all the hobbies I had. Now I just feel lost and miserable. I forgot why I fought for those things.

What you are describing is a stage I went through a couple of months ago, the main cause for me was spending way too much time thinking about the ego. I didn't see the point in anything as it was all was egoic and the ego to me was something as that just well was negative.. So in reality I was putting a negative label on everything I saw. Does this some what describe you?

_________________
My journal: eyrie-s-journal-to-becoming-the-man-vt148355.html

--If you are not giving, you are not living--

I was rationalizing meaning to everything. (e.g. love is just so people would fuck each other and have children and then die, the children would reproduce until Earth was obliterated and as everything is destroyed nothing that has ever happened has a meaning anymore - least human love or life.)

Right now I'm somehow trying to "revive" my old passions and self.
Shuffle.
Hardstyle.
etc.
With new shit at it. (Parkour, graffiti, social freedom (I lost my anxiety because of losing meaning) and lots of other fun things about life.)

I see my hobbies and the things I do as a part of myself now. I listen to the music I love, because that's who I am. I meditate because that's who I am - what my heart calls for. I go to the gym because that's what I am, what I love.

My ultimate goals are simple, irrational, static things that probably won't ever change or leave me. (as I said, dancing, self-improvement and all that, NOT something I can possibly lose.)
...and I actually ALREADY feel awesome and am healing my pains from my ex. ^^
Whenever I ask WHY are these my goals I just answer to myself - just cuz, look at the awesome shit in it, how it makes you feel, what it gives you, what possibilities you get, what happens to you when you can do that, how much does that make a part of you to love and not just for yourself but for others too see and enjoy, it's the colour of your powerful energy, it's YOUR energy and it's YOUR, GIANT, BEAUTIFUL world.

It's weird how posting my problems on the forums fixes them even if no-one here has really answered to them (that always happens, wish I knew why.)

Maybe you want to consider trying out writing a diary/ journal, because in your post you are really breaking down the causes of your issues and this could be the "fix". Writing a diary/ journal is a similar activity so it may help in stopping the "issues" from occurring in the first place.

Eyrie

_________________
My journal: eyrie-s-journal-to-becoming-the-man-vt148355.html

--If you are not giving, you are not living--

I think it might be more connected to the fact that I ALWAYS worry about what people will write/say. Still speculating with that though, my RAS might be addicted to knowing what other people think as it hyper-boosts when I get socially aroused (if people praise me I go into a hyper social mode, could try to "lead" the concentration from that point sometime).
Writing a diary would just make the problems a part of myself in the same way as making music a part of me. (I'd have a place to see all of my problems in my head.)

Adding to everything above:
My gf wants me back (got a message this evening and shit), but she's not going to get much of me - I'll love my life instead of her, I'll stay busy in my own shit instead of her or what she wants or thinks. (To have a base so my ego wouldn't get anxious if she could leave, I'd have things I love more than her ALL the time around me.)

I am a mountain - I live in myself - I am fine with what I have - I don't care about things that could leave me.

Where's the guy who comes on here and says to meditate?

_________________
“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!” ~Audrey Hepburn

This may be way over my head, but I'll take one more stab at this.

Your original post made it sound like you didn't give 2 shits about anything. Your life was goalless. Your subsequent ones sounded like you still don't have any goals, but you seem more ok with it.

The only thing I want to say here is that you should remember that this is YOUR life. If you don't want to have any goals, then don't have any. It's your choice, your life, do with it what you want. It can be a hard process figuring out what you want if you really, truly don't know. There are a few ways to figure it out, one being just taking action and making a choice, and if you find that you don't like it or want something else, then make the change. It doesn't sound to me like your problem is medical or anything. You seem like a smart enough guy that just doesn't know what the hell you want your life to be. If you get that figured out, then you can clue the rest of us in on how you figured it out.

I agree with vhou. That's your life, and it is only you who can figure out what you really want. You never give a chance for yourself to be positive. You are only focusing for negative thoughts. Be tough, and always fight for yourself. Only you who can help yourself.

Until you know your goal in life make your goal in life finding your goal in life

Also meditate more

Thanks for the replies guys.

Still kind of depressed right now, but I got smiles out of myself yesterday, don't know where they went though.
I'm doing anything I can to get back up now.

I just went through this in December of last year. I broke up with a girl mid 2011 and went down hill from there. I see where you're coming from with a few things you mentioned. I also didn't have any goals, I didn't talk to anyone much (I'm in college), I taught myself to be comfortable in an anti social state. My parents would say hi when I got home from school and I didn't even feel like acknowledging them much. I was just in a terrible rut.

One day the mess in my head just grew to be too much and I told my mom I wanted to move out, I feel like I'm being a financial burden, basically my life sucked and I feel worthless. I went about it in the wrong way and made her feel terrible.. After my head was clear, I felt really really bad. My point is, find someone to talk to. High school councilor, college councilor, your parents! I know parents can be tough but honestly it was a huge relief off my shoulders to spill out what was going on with me. Parents aren't psychic so if you don't say something, they wont know. Even write a letter maybe, I dunno.. But that's when my life turned around. I realized what I had taken for granted and what positive things I still had in life. By no means am I where I want to be yet but I've been working.

I don't know how tried and true this is but I feel that if you keep trying to have a positive outlook on things (even if you don't want to) you will start to get comfortable with and it hopefully wont end up becoming so forced over time? You will actually start to see the positive side of things.

I enjoy watching shuffling and think it's pretty cool to watch different peoples style. You know what I did? Watched some videos and tried a few moves. Of course I looked like a total dipshit and didn't really want to do it but I had two options to choose from. 1) Sit around and feel bad while doing nothing 2) do SOMETHING even though I was not feeling great. I haven't gotten to far into the dance but I did it just in a "what the fuck, why not" moment. I never would have done that months ago.

Try something even if you don't want to and keep an open mind of positivity. Don't allow yourself to feel negative "because that is what you want" or "that is how you think you should feel." I can see you don't want to have a negative view, so change it. Also, if its not a matter of being depressed and not wanting to try something, but you don't expand your horizons because you want to bitch out, TRY IT ANYWAYS(keep it clean though, not drugs, alcohol, reckless behavior etc..). Odds are you will be much happier that you accomplished whatever it is. It may take a while to recognize the feeling but you'll learn when you're in a situation to challenge yourself.

Wrote what I felt so hopefully you can pick out at least one thing in here to help you. If not, well darn copy and paste it as advice for someone else I guess. Keep your head up, things get better. I never wanted to believe it when I heard that but hey, there is my story and look how I'm doing. End rant--