Talk to her about her relationship with her husband. If she's happy, tell her you don't want any part of it and move on. If she's unhappy, tell her she needs to get her shit settled and decide whether or not it's bad enough for a divorce.
I was in a shitty marriage with an emotionally manipulative man who had so many psychological issues (which he took out on me) I lost track of which medications he was supposed to be taking... and he refused to take them anyway. His manic highs and lows became more extreme and we would get into weekly fights that ended in threats of divorce. But I was too chicken shit to ever see divorce as an option. I married very young (he was much older) and I never learned how to be on my own. Years went by and he continued his threats, continued his controlling behavior. I had absolutely no respect for this man and looked at him like a manipulative child who made me feel guilty for doing anything that didn't directly serve his interests. His controlling behavior isolated me from my friends (because every time I tried to maintain any friendships he would scream at me until 4 in the morning for staying out past 9 PM and having a single glass of wine with my meal). I would turn down invitations without even asking my husband's "permission" because I already knew the answer -- and the punishment for defying him. The isolation was suffocating... I started to feel repulsed by him, but without any close friendships there was no one to talk to about it. No one to tell me I was insane for thinking it was normal.
I put on a happy face at work. Then I met a guy ... cocky alpha male type. Knew the game. He always made me laugh, and -- after flirting back and forth for a while -- was very direct about what he wished he could do to me.
However, he had made the "married woman" mistake before and wasn't going to let it happen again. He said everyone gets hurt, the girl NEVER leaves her husband for you, and you feel like shit afterwards. In his words: "We can never hang out together, because if we do, we're going to fuck".
So of course I convinced him to let me come to his place to watch a movie ~ As much as I wanted to, I wouldn't let it escalate to sex. I told him I couldn't, and he stopped. I had told my husband exactly where I would be and who I would be with. Before leaving home, my husband had told me to film the guy fucking me, then come home, give the video to him (my husband), and never see or talk to the guy again. This was my bipolar husband's fantasy finally playing out in real life. I had actually agreed to do it, but once I was over there, I felt free. We had the most amazing chemistry and we could talk for hours... I didn't feel like I was under my husband's control anymore.
So I refused to fuck him. Not because I didn't want to (God, I wanted to), but because I wasn't going to obey sick bullshit orders from my husband anymore. The guy agreed. He said, "If you ever have sex with me because he ordered you to, I'll never talk to you again. If we sleep together it'll be because you want to be with me, not because he's pimping you out to make sex tapes." We sat together and talked for hours. The next day we hung out, and the day after that. We talked about all the shit I had lived with for years. We talked about his past bad relationships, why he stayed, how he got out, how he got over it. How he learned to be a real person and stop trying so hard to please other people.
Eventually, I realized that stability was an awful trade-off for a loveless, emotionally abusive marriage. I had the resolve to tell him I wanted a divorce and actually follow through. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made and I'm glad that I had someone to help me through it.
So to answer your question:
A) If you see a possible future with her, it's
worth holding off on the sex to find out what's going on with her marriage. If you genuinely care for her well-being, you'll be happy with whichever decision leads to her happiness... with or without you.
B) If you don't see a future with her, and you just want to be fuck-buddies, a married woman should be the last person on your list. Do you really want to help someone cheat on their spouse just for kicks? Especially without even knowing if he's a really good husband who doesn't deserve that shit?
Figure out what you want, then figure out what she wants. If you don't want the same thing, move on. The drama's not worth it.
Best of luck to you.
BTW, the PUA and I are still together
CHAT
