#17

the order gets foggy here... don't recall if she's 17 or 19... okay this was definitely 17.

After sleeping with Christine We dated for about a week before I came back over again. Next time I came over her parents smelled the weed when we smoked in the attic. She forgot to rig the ventilation so that it would drift outside and not in the house. A side note here is that she'd given me $30 to buy her $30 worth of weed and I knew a guy who'd give you an extra $10's worth every time you bought $20. So I pocketed $10.

when her parents smell it they say that I'm a bad influence and we have to leave the house. Her parents hate me cause Colleen told them about me.

I keep trying to have sex in the park and she's not having it [note: persistence is great and all, but you gotta know what to fuckign drop and let things go. Otherwise you'll dig yourself a grave].

She tells me that since she last saw me she had sex with the neighbor across the street. That she went over and he offered her beer and then they got naked and he fucked her and all that jazz but didn't use a condom. I'm not upset and don't feel anything.

I think I'm supposed to be upset. I should be mad at her I think. So I pretend that it bothers me and that I'm mad at her for doing that. Really I don't care at all, I just didn't wanna look like an empty emotionless shell. She looks horrified that I'm mad at her and I don't understand why. She said she slept with some other guy. I'm not really gettin' it. Sometime was lost in translation here.


We break up. We don't have sex.


I run into Colleen and she tells me I'm an asshole. I ask her why and she rambles and rants on saying she understood that I was obsessed with her and all and that was annoying but didn't make me an ass. She says that it was a dick move to have sex with her sister but she gets it. Her sister kinda pushed me into the corner and begged me to have sex with her. I'm asking her again "Why am I an asshole?" And Colleen says "My sister told you she got raped and you got mad at her."

My face drops. It hits me. Something was very lost in translation and I say "Wow... geeze. She's not so good at explaining things. The way she worded it I thought she was telling me she cheated on me." Colleen explains that that guy had put something in her drink and then had sex with her afterward. That he tried to do the same to her when she was 15. "Where does he live?" I ask.

She tells me his address and where his house is.

Now... this is fucking stupid. Don't ever do this. Really stupid. I was really drunk and really angry. I walked towards that location and knowing it was a long ass walk and I might sober up and think it was a dumb idea I stopped and got more alcohol. Seriously I stopped and got more booze so I would stay in an irrational state of mind. A rational thought that's irrational at the same time... fucking stupid.

I make it to my sisters... the halfway point and I get a very large Kitchen knife. I hide it in my sock. I made it to the location and climbed his fence and was smart enough to use gloves and all that sorts of shit. I made it in his house and then thought... . o O (What the hell am I doing. I'm going to get arrested... I just picked a lock, I have a very large kitchen knife... I gotta get outta here...)

I get out and go over to Christines window and knock on it and she comes outside. Some random guy approached us and She whispers to me "That's him... make him go away." I start thinking for a change. I'm good at that, thinking.

He asks me for a cigarette. I tell him I'm running low. He tells me his name "That's not his real name..." Chris whispers. He says he takes martial arts I say "Really, what style and how long have you taken it?" He said Hopkaido and 25 years. [at the time I was 25] "Can you show me some?" I ask. And he says to extend my hand. I extend a fist [most moves and locks that work on an open hand don't work on a closed hand]. He chuckles and puts me in some submission anyway. I get up and say "Well, you know your stuff." . o O (If he's bluffing I'm not going to call it. I might be out matched right now).

He walks off to his home. Chris asks why I'm here. I pull my pant leg up and reveal the knife and say "Colleen explained everything and I made a stupid decision. I'm glad I didn't follow through with it." She says she's glad too but she appreciated the thought.

I say it's probably best that we don't speak anymore. Me and her and me and Colleen. I say I have to sort out my life and issues. She agrees.



Back at home I'm looking for work and not worrying about girls. Just wanna get shit together now. My mom is flipping out and I just calmly walk in the other room when she does or I leave the house and come back later. It's working out for a while. Then one day she flips out and yells and screams at me and tells me I'm a horrible man slut and a horrible person and I'm not trying to find work and all sorts of horrible things. I leave and go in the other room and she follows me and says "I'm not done talking to you!!!" and is screaming in my face. I get up and she slams me down on the bed. I move and go towards the door and she run and blocks the doorway and says "No you need to hear what I have to say and continues to scream and yell at me for being such a horrible person."

I start pushing her out of the way of the door and she screams that I'm abusing her and she's going to call the police on me for domestic violence. She tells me that If I walk out that door she'll call the police on me and tell them I hit her and she continues to yell and scream and flip out when I grab a music box that she likes. I throw it as hard as I can across the room into a painting of hers she made a few years back. I grab some sheet music she'd just printed out from the library and I rip it to shreds. She's in shock and stops yelling at me for a moment. I stop throwing shit.

Then she goes back to cussing me out and I grab something else and scream "NOT ANOTHER FUCKING WORD!!! YOU SAY ANOTHER THING TO ME AND I'LL DESTROY THIS TOO. I'LL TEAR DOWN THIS WHOLE PLACE THE WAY YOU'VE TORN DOWN MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!" I don't know what the fuck she said, but when she said I threw something else. I started destroying all sorts of her stuff and then she stopped talking to me. I said "You are the worst mother in the world. I fucking hate you. I just want to get my life together and have my own fucking place and move on. I can never save money cause you either steal it or blackmail me. I fucking HATE you. I just wanted some peace and fucking quiet. I'm trying to get a job. I'm trying really fucking hard to get a job while your lazy ass collects child support. It's frustrating looking for work, but you wouldn't know that would you. And then you and your lazy child support collecting ass have the nerve to berate me? YOU of all fucking people called me lazy? Do you see the fucking irony there?" She interupts to say something I don't know what I destroyed something else of hers and say.

"YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME NOW!! You've bullied and abused me my entire fucking life. I don't feel sorry for any of this shit I just destroyed. You're a fucking bitch and a leech. You're the horrible person. You're the lazy one. I'm leaving now. Go ahead and be a bitch of a mother and call the cops and tell them I hit you. But when you do know that I never laid a hand on you. I never tried to stab you. I never hit you in the head with a frying pan when you were 10 years old for not doing the dishes. When you call the cops to lie about me hitting you, think about that and ask yourself who's a horrible person. Fuck you!!! Seriously got fucking fuck yourself. I hate you. I've hated you for a very long time now."

And then I leave.

I go to Cleveland. My sister doesn't want me around because of what just happened at my moms. I'm homeless and have no one. Part of this is my fault. Most of it I blame on my mom for driving me to do the shit I've done and go the places I've been. I'm homeless for a while avoiding people in general. I listen to the same song everyday. Reset from Okami. To this day I listen to it a lot. It relaxed me and gave me hope that some day I'll get out of this mess and get away from my family. One day I'd be free.


I stayed in a monastery. All I had was a DSi I'd gotten from me dad for Christmas and a backpack full of clothes.
During Breakfast one time a group of girl came in to eat. When the monastery served food the public could come in and grab a meal. The entire time I was there I didn't speak to anyone unless they spoke to me. I wanted to reflect on life and how I got to this point. I needed to get out and move forward and I wasn't sure I knew how to socialize anymore anyway. My thoughts on people were really warped by the experiences I had. I wasn't sure if I belonged in society. If it was okay to be me at all.


So at dinner all the guys were looking at the girls and some were flirting with them. I sat at a table by myself and spoke not a word while I was there. After dinner I cleaned up as we were told and one of the girls came over to me and gave me her phone number and said "Call me sometime." I wasn't sure what was acceptable to say in return while still being honest. I said "Maybe."

I discovered that once we left the Monastery we weren't aloud back. And that in order to find work we'd have to call a job and set up an interview. and within the past 10 years or so only 1 person had gotten a job. One of the guys told me his conspiracy theory that the homeless who stay in the monastery do all the work around the place and they have it set up to make it difficult for them to find jobs so that these guys become dependent on the place. He said We're all slaves. I thought that was spot on.

Even if I didn't buy the idea that they're intentionally making us their personal Slaves I did notice finding work in these conditions and moving out was near impossible. So I left.


I started donating plasma and had surprisingly good money management skills. I'd go to the coffee shop to get leads on places to crash and jobs and then I'd wander the streets in search for work. I worked out a system where I posed as a college student at CSU [cleveland state university]. College students take naps in between classes. I'd show up when the school was open and take a nap for an hour. Get up and move to a different location and take another hour nap. and do this about 5 times so I wasn't seen in the same spot taking a nap for 5 hours. That was enough sleep to keep me moving.

I'd saved $200 donating plasma. I bought a bus pass to get around better. Didn't want to take the risk of riding the rapid illegally anymore. Also I'd quit smoking.

Eventually I ran into some Kid at the coffee shop I knew. Jeff. We used to hang out with Megan [Gay jewsih Stripper] a lot. Me more than him, but we'd been really good friends. Jeff was homeless too. And it's always good to have a friend in that situation... kinda help each other out and have more eyes. We both run into a rather Weird fellow who goes by "Skelly" which is a nickname for a nickname Skellator. They call him Skellator cause he's skinny as hell. He was on SSI and had his own place and so he let's me and jeff live in his place. Sweet.


We clean his house when we get there. And I had got two free packs of cigs from the Camel Lady... but I quit smoking so I give them to Jeff and Skelly.


Time goes on and I'm working at the Temporary Job Agency. I'd fucked Jeane a few times when I ran into her. I'm saving money and have about $400 now but not a stable enough Job to support myself. I open a bank account. I started being nice to Jeane and she didn't wanna talk to me as much.... whatever.

More time passes and Mikey and Teddy are living with us. And then Mikey's cousin Red moves in with his girlfriend Sandy [really fat chick].

And I'm working at the temporary job agency making scraps. Mikey and Teddy break into cars to get shit and sell it at a pawn shop. Jeff sells weed. Skelly collects SSI for being crazy and breaks into houses on the side. Red is a bitch ass follower who does whatever the rest of us do and does a horrible job at is. Like getting Skelly caught while doing a B and E. Or poor money management selling weed with Jeff. Or Almost getting Mikey and Teddy arrested. Or going to the temp agency with me and leaving early cause he didn't feel like waiting around for a job. Red's a bitch.


Time and time again these guys get arrested. We split the rent 6 ways. Red never had his share and the rest of us would have to make up for what he didn't have. So 5 ways. But every month someone [who actually paid rent other than me] got arrested... so 4 ways. And I always paid my share. This drained my money really fast. So I came up with plans for all of them so they'd stop getting arrested so fucking much. I told skelly if he's gonna break into a house to throw a rock down the path he plans on traveling and if any lights come on they have an alarm system, move on to the next house.

Jeff was smart enough to not get arrested.

Mikey and Teddy I told them a few things I'd seen from the real hustle.
Red... He's a bitch who doesn't know how to follow instructions and doesn't pay rent anyway. I gave no fucks if he got arrested.


Eventually everyone but me pisses Skelly the fuck off in some way and he kicks them all out. Just me and him and I had gotten food stamps which made funds easier to manage.

This whole time my friend Aaron had told me I could've just crashed at his place. Since day one when I was homeless this time I could've went there. Also my dad kept telling me I could just move to Detroit and stay in the loft [where I'm at right now actually].

I wanted to work it all out myself. I wanted to have my own success. I wanted to be the one to save myself.


One day this kid Steve I'd been hanging out with invites me to a smash bros tournament at his house. He tells me that he's depressed and upset cause his fiance is crazy. He wants to move out and asks if I know anyway. I tell Steve he can stay where I'm staying but the place is a bit of a shithole. He doesn't care and now it's me, skelly, and steve. I introduce Steve to people at commons. Steve isn't weird like skelly and steve is smart.

Charles Coleman [Guy who drove away my first love. Used to be my best friend] is doing MMA fights and wants me to train for them cause he thinks I've be good in my weight class. I figure, fuck it, and I start training... Still no sex with anyone new. I've just been fucking Jeane every so often... and seriously that's pretty bad. Everyone else has been fucking her too.


I've been talking to Aleah's best friend Hayley a lot recently. She's trying to sell me on the "Age of consent is bullshit" idea like Meredith did. I'm almost sold again... but I'm really iffy about it.


Steve [20 years old at the time... or was he 19] goes for her. She's 16.

At the time my screen name in Smash bros was 16! referring to the number of girls I'd had sex with. During a match I was whooping ass with the 16! above my players head and someone asked "Who's 16?" and someone else replies "Steve's girlfriend." and everyone laughs. Fun times.

Now that Steves there we're both working the temp job and neither of us get arrested. Occasionally Skelly does but not as often since there's more money and less reason to break into houses to make money. Steve also goes to smash bro's tournaments and makes money and he's teaching me to play better so I can do it too. We try to teach skelly, but he sucks.

Eventually Steve moves in with Aaron and meets more people and get's a real job at Winking Lizard. And that when all the madness happened.


And one day we go to the Coffee shop. And some really weird girl is dancing on me. I don't know what the fuck's going on really. But I wanna get laid. I don't wanna fuck Jeane anymore. So I walk with her to the back alley over by the dumpster and fuck her. She was pretty weird and really crazy. I called her Crazier Liz.

Next time I play smash bros my screen name is 17!. A friend asks about it. He says "Is that the number of girls you fucked or something." I laugh and say it is. And he says "So It might end up being 19 next time I see you?" I say "I wish."

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

#18

Still living is Skelly's rat hole appartment. Steve comes and goes.
And I go to train with Charles. Hardcore shit and he's telling me I need to get a Plenty of Fish account cause there's so many hoes to fuck on POF. I figure what would it hurt and make an account.

Somewhere in here I run into Aleah. She has a boyfriend now. I'm happy for her but I'm still really in love with. It was on my birthday. I don't remember which one... I believe 26th. Yeah, it was the 26th birthday. Hayley's birthday present to me was to bring Aleah along. Hayley's smart and knows what I like. .

I spend the whole day with Aleah and a few friends. Earlier me and Skelly wandered around randomly giving people high fives in a game we made up. This was actually the best birthday I've ever had.

Later I'm depressed about girls. Really really depressed.
I no longer want to live and take a bunch of horse tranquilizers and drink lots of vodka. I'm knocked out for about a day. The rest of the week I kinda just crawled around the house.


Me and skelly make Sake rice wine. The first batch we fuck up, but the second one came out amazing!!! Thanks to Uncle sam for the food stamps with that one. hahahahaha.


On POF I meet some girl. Can't remember her name right now... um... what's her face.
Anyway she's looking for intimate encounters. She comes over to hang out and she meets Skelly and Steve and I never have any alone time with her. She sends me nude pics and comes over another day when Steve and Skelly are gone.

And we have wild crazy sex. She's really fucking loud too. Then we have more sex.

Still can't remember her name... oh well.

Next time I play smash my Screen name is 18! and my buddy gives me a high five when he sees it.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

#19

So Steve isn't around so much anymore... Almost completely gone. He also thinks I'm made that he's dating Hayley. I wasn't. He was really cool about it and asked how i felt before he dated her even though he didn't need to.


Anyway I've been training hardcore for this MMA thing.
Charles is starting to piss me the fuck off though. He's hitting on every girl on my facebook. And he's cockblocking me so he'll get the girls and he starts fucking a few of my facebook friends. I'm not sure I wanna have anything to do with him. I tell one of the girls that he's got a girlfriend. He get's pissed that she knows he's being a douche and doesn't wanna fuck him anymore. He says I need to apologize or else he'll find me and kick my ass [he wont find me, but he could kick my ass if he did. So I buy mace]. He told some random dude he's pay him $100 bucks if he gives Charles info on my where abouts. I'm not too concerned cause I know Ted's where abouts and he doesn't know how to find me.


Meanwhile Skelly has some really smelly friend come over. He smells like he bathes in cologne.
I politely suggest he might be wearing too much cologne and he flips the fuck out on me. He's going berserk and I'm telling him it wasn't meant to be an insult and he should just be more subtle with the smell. Skelly telle me to shut up before he makes me shut up. I laugh and say "There's nothing you can do to shut me up." He jumps on me and I get him in a sleeper hold and say "Now you'll calm down or I'll make you calm down. After you calm down I'm going to pack my things and go. I wont call the cops either. I'll be gone and we'll pretend this never happened." He calms down and I pack my things. As I'm packing he hits me in the face with a 1x2 [like a 2x4 but smaller].

Smelly friend takes it from his hand and Skelly grabs the curtain rod and swings on me. Smelly friend takes that from him too. I leave and call the police. They get him and say his name Joshua Stafford. They know him without running any info on him. They check to see if I'm a known associate of his and I'm thinking . o O (wow, he's got known associates... career choices man... ).

His house is empty. I leave for a bit and stay at my Buddy Aaron's house.

He says I should went to his place from the start when all the madness happened.
Charles says it's all really stupid and that we should call a truth. I keep ratting him out to other girls and telling him to stop fucking cock blocking me and help me out and that I'll never apologize. He says sorry to me and we call a truth. He stops cock blocking me, but I take him off my facebook friends.


I meet some girl off tagged. Kinda whorish girl. I figure she's easy. I tell her to meet me at skelly's address. I meet her there and fuck her brains out.

All I did online was send a message to her that said "Hey, what's up." She responded "Not much I'm hot and horny." and I went with it. Nothing special... just being an opportunist really.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

#20

I hooked my friend up with the last girl I fucked... I just gave them each others numbers and they worked out.

I was staying at Aaron's house. I went on a Date with this girl I was in love with. Amy. We made out and I got her topless but nothing happened. We asked each other out. I've learned to never ask a girl out too soon. Never ever ever ever ever ever!!! don't do it. I don't know why the fuck this doesn't work for me but every time I've asked a girl out really early on she says yes and then changes her mind later. I have idea about why it doesn't work... but that's about it.

3 days pass and Amy says she feels it was rather rushed and we break up. I meet some guy named Ed who's pretty cool and me and him hang out a lot. Me him and Amy hang out a lot together actually. A few weeks pass and him and Amy are dating... I'm not too hurt cause I don't trust anyone in the first place. I'm just dissapointed that people consistently give me reasons not to trust them.

Anyway Some girl invites me to her 4th of july party. Ashley.

Somewhere in here Aaron had a melt down and attacked everyone in the house. I moved out after than and was now living in a Neon light shop.

anyway Ashley. She thought it was cool I lived in a neon light shop. She invites me to this party of hers and says I'm cute. I tell him I'm not very good with girls but think she's cute and would like to sleep with her. She said maybe that might happen.

At the party I just played it cool the whole time. And then at the end when everyone was asleep me and her were on a couch and a bunch of people in the room sleeping on the floor. I took her pants off and she took off mine and we had sex right there. Someone woke up while we were doing it and she looked over and waved and I just kept going. He said "Really fun 4th of July for you?" She Moan "Oh yeah, lots of fun." I said "yup, fun times." and he was going to get beer from the fridge and asked if we wanted a beer she moan "Yes! pbr." and I said "Yeah I'll have one."

He came back with beer and me and Ashley finished up and she sat there without her pants on and drank a beer and I did too. She finished her first and he was just chatting with us like everything was normal and she started blowing me while chatting with him a little bit.

It was kinda weird.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

#21
In the morning on July 5th 2010 [maybe 2011?... I don't fucking know... I think it was 10]
I wake up and Ashley's not there. She was upstairs I think.

Anyway we all decided to go to beach that day.


Wait wait wait.... Let's rewind really far bar.
I'd been hanging out with Ed. It was after me and Amy broke up and I was really bummed out. Being the good friend he was [at the time] he suggests we go to this bar in Lakewood and says we should wear dress shirts. At the time I was living with him and it was after Aaron went crazy and flipped the fuck out.

At the bar I was determined to get laid. It was crowded with girls EVERYWHERE!!! Hot ones too. I just went up to each girl and said "Hi, My names Nick." and went from there. If they ignored me I talked to the next girl. If they IOD'd me I talked to the next girl. I ended up with 14 phone numbers and 7 facebook friends or something crazy like that.

Most of the numbers flaked out on me. 2 of the facebooks were working fine. I really just fucked up the follow through with most of these.

One of the girls was practically in love with me. We kinda dated... not really though. I ententionally got her to break up with me. One of the things I did that she really liked was sent her a text when I knew she was sleeping that said "Hey beautiful, just wanted you to wake up to a compliment. stay gorgeous." I'd say things like that all the time...

Figured that was worth mentioning even thought I didn't really get laid. I've never tried that technique again either as it was exhausting to talk to that many people in one night and it was difficult to juggle all the conversations I have going on and keep up with all those girls.


So, July 5th 2010.
Wake up, Ashley's not there. We go to the beach and at the beach she keeps trying to get me to swim. But it's lake mother fucking Erie. I don't wanna get in that shit. It's gross. She's getting pissy that I wont go out and swim and I'm like "Whatever I do what I want!!"

My "friend" Cory is upset that I fucked her and starts trying to bad mouth me to her.

One night at the coffee shop she tells me that me and her need to talk and says "lets go on a walk." I say "I'm cool on that." and go inside and get coffee instead. I know what a "talk" is. I've had them before and I've seen them. Nothing good comes from them except a waist of time. So, fuck that noise. I ignored her the rest of the night.


Time passes and my Crazy friend Aaron has mellowed out. I still don't wanna live there but he's throwing a kick ass party. I'm at a bar talking to some girl... Oh yeah the girl....


A few weeks back I meet this girl at the bar. 35 years old and I'm 26. I'm hitting on her. She's an 8. She's flirty with me but says her husband and her haven't split up yet and all his friends come to this bar. I tell her I just wanted to fuck her and she smiles and says that maybe someday we will. withing about 4 weeks I'm brought it up 3 times while texting her. But we talk a lot anyway.

Anyhow I see her and she asks what I'm up to. I say I'm going to a party and she says if I can help her find her car she'll drive me to the party. I say "sound good to me." I find it and she's driving me to Aaron's house.

When we get to the parking lot we start making out. It's an SUV with loads of room in the back. We hope in the back and I get naked and so does she and she says "You better put that condom on fast cause I'm about to fuck you with or without it." And We're banging in the back of her SUV. She's having a blast.

Then I go to Aaron's party and she drives off.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

#22

Memory not available at this time.... fuck. I really can't remember who this was.

Can't remember what happened. When. Where. Who. I don't know if it was good, bad, or what. I just don't remember at all.

I'm thinking really hard about this one too. At the time I lived in the Neon Light shop. The shop owner I'd met when I was 24. I was pushing 27. I was 26 and sometime during the summer time. There's a void... I'm not sure if what I think of as #23 was here and it's 23 I don't remember.

I really can't remember at all.

It's a blurrrrrr.... foggy.

So, I had this telemarketing job. I was making decent money but when I'd get off work at around 5ish I'd go home and the Neon light shop was locked. He wouldn't get be home till about 12am. and I'd have to work at 7am. I didn't get much sleep. and it was hard to get to wake up for work. I still didn't wanna stay with my dad in Detroit.

#23.
I went back to the bar me and Ed went to. I was tired of the coffee shop. So much bullshit going on. Ashley was saying that I stalked her and kept trying to piss me off. She had a new boyfriend and she's text me saying that he's got everything I want. I'd ignore her...

Ed was telling people I was lame and making shit up about me. He was made that I stopped being friends after he started dating Amy.

Jeane was spreading shit about me too cause she was mad I never wanted to date her and just fucked her.

The crazy old lady I fucked would randomly show up and follow me around like a zombie from 28 days later.

Crazier Liz had a boyfriend now... so fucking her on a regular basis was out the window at this point. *sigh*

Courtney never showed up anymore and Tony had moved away.

The placed sucked. Also Colleen and her Sister Christine started hanging out up there. I don't know what sorta bullshit they were saying about me, but it was a load of crap.


Everyone in that place hated me and I lived across the street from the joint. I don't remember who #22 was, but I remember she wasn't associated with that hell hole. I'd went somewhere far away. I might've met her at a bar. I don't recall.


So #23 I went to the same place me and Ed had gone with all the hot chicks. I was so down and bummed out I didn't have any game going on. Everyone hated me. It sucked... I just ended up drinking a lot and didn't have the will to talk to anyone really. Then at the end of the night some woman said she was there to meet some guy she wanted to hook up with and he never showed and asked what I was doing. I said "Nothing important."

Went back to her place. She was getting weirder and creepier the closer we got to her house.
In her bed I got naked and she did too and then she jumped on me and started fucking before I could put on a condom. I ended up busting inside her and in the morning when I woke up she was still asleep. I quickly got dressed and escaped. She added me on myspace... but no one really used myspace anymore. I just avoided the site all together.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

#24 A rose is a rose is a rose

I wasn't able to make it to work often.
My dad gave me $500 and co-signed so I could get an apartment. It was right by my job.
I was only having trouble getting to work because of sleep issues and a long 2 mile walk that wore me out. When it was time to move into my place they said my dad needed to be present to sign. But he was in Egypt at the time. When my dad initially showed up we asked 7 times if he'd need to be there to sign or not and they said no 7 times. Now they're saying if he isn't there I don't get the place.

I asked if we could use a faxed signature and they said no he had to be there. I looked up the law and found you can legally use an E-signature. I looked at how to set this up and told the land lord about the e-signature and he said it was bullshit and didn't read anything I tried to show him. I pleaded with him and said I really needed to move into this place and he told me no.

I fucking lost it. I cussed his ass out. I yelled and screamed at him. I told him he was fat. I said he was a horrible person. I said "Never attack a cornered animal, there's no telling what they'll do. They've got nothing to lose. NOTHING!!!!!!" He got scared and reached for his phone to phone the police and I said "you aren't worth it. Fuck you." I spit in his face and walked away.



My dad was in Egypt for 3 months. I was stuck at the neon light shop still having trouble getting to work. I asked my sister if I could stay at her place for just a few months so I can get sleep to go to work. Then I can look for a place. I can save up money and I wont need a co-signer at all. She said no. I begged her and pleaded with her and she still said no.

I did my best to make it to work. I tried my hardest. Dana, the neon light shop owner was helping me out and all but it just wasn't enough. I got fired cause I missed so much work and was late all the time. I wasn't able to sleep...

I fell into a pool of depression. I had happened again. I was almost there. Almost on my own. I was about to make it and I needed just a little bit of help or at least no one to get in my way. I tripped before the finish line.

I lost my job.
I was still homeless.
Everyone at commons hated me.
I had trouble with girls unless and opportunity fell into my lap.
I had nothing to live for.

I called up every girl I know and asked if they wanted to have sex. They all said no.
I started drinking heavily and ended up blowing all that money my dad gave me. all $500. in a month, most of it gone. I didn't even look for a new job, I didn't care anymore. I researched how much Aspirin it takes to kill a man. 35-40 grams for the average adult. I took 50 grams.

I said good bye to all the girls I knew in my phone. Said I was done with life. I didn't tell my family at all. I hated them all and wanted them to find out the worse way possible. I wanted them to never know why I did it. I erased all my phone contacts and messages. My call log, everything.

It started to hurt. I was really painful. I had also downed an entire thing of Nyquil.
I started to hear this horrible ringing in my ears. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I thought of my little brother. The only person in all the world I trusted. The only person in all the world I thought actually gave a shit about me. I had a bag of cheato's and some Arizona tea. I stuffed my face with Cheetos and washed it down with tea. I went outside the shop.

I put two fingers in my throat and puked everything out.
I ate more cheetos and drank more tea and force vomited. Over and over. I saw lots of white flakes in the puke. And lots of green. Good, I'm getting the Nyquil and Aspirin out.

I kept at it until I no longer saw green and no longer saw white flakes. I still heard the horrible ringing in my ear. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I drank and drank and drank until my tea was gone. I felt better but the ringing was still there and I still felt sick. I staggered to the bath room and got water and drank and drank and drank. I was sweating horribly. I was feeling worse and better at the same time. I wasn't going to make it... I might have to call 911... I didn't want to call them.


I called them and told them where I was at.

Previously about a year ago during the summer....

You remember Jeff. Friend who stayed at Skelly's with me. He hung himself. everyone was really upset about that. A lot of people showed up to his funeral. People who didn't even know him. Everyone in hindsight said they needed to treat each other better and look out for each other. This was like 9/11/2001. Everyone thought they should look out for each other and they did. then 2002 came they still did, just not as much. 2003 came and it wasn't as intense. 04,05,07, by 08 everything was business as usual. People were back to treating each other like shit.

Jeff's suicide lasted about 8 months before people went back to treating each other like shit again.


So I'm in an ambulance on my way to the hospital and they're asking me what I did. I tell him 50 grams of aspirin. Then I changed my mind and used Cheetos as a charcoal substitute and drank tea to wash it down and force vomited to pump my stomach. And once I no longer saw Nyquil or Aspirin in my puke I drank all the tea and about a Gallon of water. No more than 2 gallons cause I understand hyperhydration is lethal.

The Dr. said I should be fine I just need to have an IV of Saline solution and some water every so often and a healthy diet. I was put in the ICU [Intensive Care Unit].

The Doctor asked me a few questions.
Do you have a job? no
How many women have you slept with? 23
I need to know the honest answers so we can figure out why you tried to do this. How many women have you slept with? 23
This isn't about boasting or stretching. I need an honest answer so we can understand. "Dr. I've had sex with 23 women in my life and that doesn't count the times I just got a blow job. I'm a man of opportunity and have reached lows in my life where my standards are almost nonexistent. Of those 23 women maybe 5 of them I've had sex with more than once. I've only dated 3 women my entire life, this doesn't include relationships that last less than a month. I feel that if I went to a bar or club right now with the intention of getting laid my success rate is a very low single digit number. 5% maybe. 1 in 20 trips I get laid... heh, it's lower than that when I think about it. Maybe 3%. This is frustrating."

He accepted that I'd slept with 23 women.
Are you homeless? Yes

More questions. I faded out...



Day 1.
I wake up in the ICU. I've got monitors out the ass on my hear, my finger, everywhere. I'm looking at them and where the wires lead and figuring out which is which. I have an IV of Saline solution in my arm. The nurse comes in. She's very condescending and rude. I ask for Orange Juice. I tell her that, to me, it tastes like happiness. She brings me apple juice. She says "I don't understand why anyone would try to kill them self. Life is wonderful if you work and you aren't lazy." I say "You've never lived my life. You're parents are probably still together aren't they?" She says "So what if they are?"
"Who paid for you to go to school and become a nurse?"
"Financial aid is out there for the less fortunate." she says.
"What if you have no money for the bus and no car?"
"......."
She leaves.

Lunch. shitty hospital food. More apple juice.

I ask for water. It never arrives. She offers me a remote to watch TV. I say I don't like TV, it's depressing. I ask for a deck of cards and something to draw with. She says "I can't give you a pencil, you might try to kill yourself."
"Who called 911 to get me in here again?" I say.
She leaves. No deck of cards. No water.

Dinner. Shitty hospital food. More apple juice.
I go to sleep...


Day 2.
Bitchy nurse gives me breakfast.
Shitty hospital food. More apple juice. I say not a word to her and eat my food.

The psychiatrist comes in and asks me an assortment of questions.
Do you hear voices in your head? Well, I think everyone does. I certainly hear them. Lots of them at times. But I know what they are. It's my thoughts. My unconscious mind and ideas I have manifested in the form of a voice. Like when I'm at a job interview and I'm asked a crucial question and the voice tells me what to say. It's just my intuition and unconscious. It's me.

She says "So, that's a no..." I say "yes, that would be a no."
Do you ever have moments when you feel energetic for long periods of times and then feel down and exhausted. No, I'm not manic depressive.

This continues. When it's over she says "You seem well versed in psychology, are you just giving me the right answers so you can get out of here?" I say "Now, if I say no, that would be the correct answer. I'm going with no. No I'm not giving you the correct answers just to get out of here."
"How do I know you wont do this again?"
"You don't know."
"Well, what is wrong with you. Why did you try to do this and why did you stop yourself and call the hospital?"
"That's the correct question to ask. I did this cause I lost my job and I was upset about life. I was homeless and jobless." [I didn't say the whole truth to her, I wanted to get out of there]. "However before I did it I bought a bag of cheetos and arizona tea to use in cased I had 2nd thoughts and needed to pump my stomach. While it was happening I thought I was giving up and that I just need to get a new job and find a cheap apartment." [almost a blatant lie right there.]

She says "Well, will you do this again?"
I say "No. I feel foolish for doing it in the first place." [lies... real answer is "I don't know. life sucks."].

She leaves.

Lunch.
Orange juice, fancy hospital food.
A really hot nurse comes in and she chats with me. She's very friendly. I get the impression she has this job cause she wants to help people and not, like most, because it's one of the easier courses in collect that lands on an almost guaranteed job. She asks why I'm not watching TV. I tell her and she offers to birng playing cards and asks if I like to draw. I say yes, I love to draw and ask if I can have more orange juice.

She comes back with 3 cups of orange juice, a deck of cards, a pencil, and some paper. She warms up to me and then asks me why I did this. I tell her. I tell her everything. I tell her how I feel now. I don't know if I'll do it again, but I gotta get out of here and try to make something of myself. She gives me some advice on women. I don't remember exactly what. She says she doesn't really know that well but it's all she can help me with. She chats with me for a while and we talk about psychology and video games.


Dinner
Orange juice. Lots and lots of orange juice. Ice cream. spaghetti. yum
I had made her and Origami swan. She says thank you and chats with me for a bit. I'm looking into her eyes and at her face. She leaves. I eat my phone quickly. I'm feeling a lot better now. I'm thinking of her face and I start drawing a picture of her. I start to lose the memory.

I buzz her to come in and I ask for more OJ or water at the least. She says sure and I chat for a bit while looking at her face. Rememorizing it. She leaves and I draw more. When she returns I hide the picture and look into her eyes again and try to memorize her face adn she says "You make the best eye contact. How do you have trouble with girls." kinda flirty. I smile and say "I don't know."

She leaves and I continue my picture. it's finished.
I drink my OJ and water.

I "accidentally" remove the sensor on my heart and she comes back in the room and I say hello. She says the desk said my heart dropped and I say I can feel it beating and I'm still alive. Then I give her the picture and she says "Oh... Clever. You removed the sensor didn't you. I appreciate the picture " I say "yeah... I kinda did remove it. sorry about that."

Day 3.
Hot nurse is still there.
Breakfast
OJ, OJ, good food, and OJ.

I'm told I'm well enough to go home and that I can wait for lunch if I'd like.

Lunch
Good food and OJ. Lot's of OJ.
I eat lunch and I feel great, then I get dressed. The nurse gives me a hug goodbye and kisses me on the cheek and says "You're very sweet. If was single I'd go for you." I tell her "You're very sweet too. Just knowing that there's good people out there makes me feel life is worth living."

I had told her somewhere in all this that I was depressed because I felt everyone in my life, almost everyone, has tried to stab me in the back at some point. She gives me a really intense hug and tells me to come and visit her sometime. But next time make sure I'm not in an ICU bed.


And I leave.


I forget that I have a hospital bracelet on. I make it to the coffee shop and camp out while I wait for Dana to get back to the shop. He's probably worried about me and wondering where I am. I see Remi, who knows my entire family and it one of the few friends I have left... I feel like I've been here before... Few friends I have left... how'd that work out? How does that always work out?

Remi's smart. He see's the band I have and asks why I have on a Hospital band. I'm not going to insult his intelligence. I haven't thought up a lie for such a thing, cause if I'd given it any thought I woulda just taken the damn thing off instead. I avoid the question instead.


He walks off with me and says "Nick, did you try to kill yourself again?"
I say "Yes, but I called the hospital."

We talk more on this.


Eventually I go back to Dana's and he asks where I was. I had some made up story by then about how I met some chick or something. Or went to some party. It was basically something I do anyway. I think it was formulated so that I wasn't technically lying. I said something about how I spent 3 days in bed amongst the presence of one of the most beautiful women I'd ever met. Technically that's true.


Remi tells my sister. My sister tells my dad and my mom. Celia's logic was that my dad would give me money and help me get my own place without being half assed about it. She says sorry for not letting me stay just a few months and say I'm welcome to stay at her place now. I'm kinda annoyed that when the opportunity is gone things work out... but whatever.

I stay at my sisters.... and Chapter 24 is only halfway over. Things get pretty fucked up near the end. But I'm stopping here. My hands hurt from typing so much. I'll finish this up tomorrow maybe.

Maybe I'll draw closer to chapter 35 [I think I'm on 35 now... kinda lost count somewhere around 30. maybe I'm at 40... I'd have to think about it and count them again.]

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

22/23

Okay I remember now.
22 was the creepy weird chick from the bar me and ed went to.

23 on the other hand I kinda intentionally blotted it out of my memory.

Don't wanna think about it much, but basically I met this guy. I was on my way home from work.
And this guy I meet asks if I wanna make some money. I say "Depends on the job."
He brings me into his place and a girl comes over and gives him money and walks in the back room and he tells me to have sex with her. So I go back there and screw her and he gives me $50.

I made sure I had a rubber with that nonsense.

Next time i came over he was on crack. I got up to use the bathroom and he yelled at me and made me sit down. I waited till he went in the other room and I ran out the door and through the woods and over by the hospital. The first time happened before the suicide attempt. The time I ran off happened AFTER the suicide attempt.


I tried to forget about that... but then I succeed and wonder what happened with 23. I eventually remember and remember why I wanted to forget.... cause I was a jiggalo and I had a pimp and that's not something I was proud of.... My life really has extreme lows.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bz1508RBx2w

Intermission.

When I was 18 and 19 I was constantly depressed. I was in love with a girl I never saw cause she lived in Oberlin and I lived in North Olmsted. I had a job at Kaufmann's [now Macy's] and didn't know how to talk to girls at work. On my lunch breaks I'd see couples kissing and holding hands and it would remind me that I'd never been kissed before and that I was alone.

I'd get off work and go home. My mom might've called me and yelled and screamed at me or begged me for money. My older brother would tell me how lame skateboarding it or whatever else I was interested in. He'd rag on me for my choice in music, videogames, hobbies, or anything I liked and tell me it was lame and I was retarded.

When I went to skate park I wasn't very good, It's just started. Kids would laugh at me and some would call me racial slurs.

I wasn't happy.
At church people would treat me like I was some heathen scum even though I knew more about the bible than them. I knew more scriptures and I actually cared about things like helping the homeless.

I was put down everywhere I went. I was told I was worthless. I was told I was nothing. I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world.


At the end of my day I'd watch adult swim. Outlaw star would come on and I was still unhappy and thinking about suicide. Then this one song would come on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bz1508RBx2w

It was so amazingly beautiful. I'd think . o O ( If something this amazing exists than life can't be that bad. ) and I wouldn't jump off the balcony or down pills. I'd keep on living.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Where was I with this #24 shit?
I don't fucking care... Here's what happened yesterday.

January 9th 2013
I woke up and was feeling rather depressed. I went on OKCupid and wasn't having any success and that just made me more depressed so I decided I should leave the house and go meet new people.

I wanted to call Hayley, but I knew it was a bad idea. I needed to meet someone new. I didn't know where to go to meet anyone new... certainly not in my neighborhood. My Neighborhood is filled with really ghetto black people and I'm not into girls like that. Sometimes they say really stupid things like how I talk "white". And that's irritating...

Anyhow I don't drive.
I go for a walk and as I'm walking I get a phone call. I'm wondering who it is, it's restricted... Just a police officer... He's talking to me about the police report from when I called on New Years eve. That mark character. He tells me about the 2nd incident with the glass pitcher I wasn't around for and that the more charges they can place on this guy the better. I say I'll press charges.


This had no noticeable effect on my mood.
I continue walking and get to Downtown Detroit. It's only 3:30 and I don't wanna blow my money early. I walk more to about Midtown and go to the comet bar.

No girls around... just the bartender and she's old enough to be my grandmother. Her and two other guys are playing poker. I ask if I can join. She says it's not a serious game and basically tells me to fuck off.

I finish my beer while I watch the end of Iron man and the first few minutes of an episode of how I met your mother. It was talking about crazy eyes.

I leave and go to the Temple bar and Larry's working. Larry knows Hayley. I ask him to add me on facebook... He points out we have a mutual friend and says it's Hayley. Then we're chatting about her. I say she's got me all down in the dumps and that I really like her. He tells me she parties really hard and works really hard. That one day someone changed her profile pic to a picture of her tits and he tried to tell her but her number had changed.

I assume they're friends but don't hang out all the time. I get the impression she sleeps around a lot. He tells me that she's always getting hammered drunk and needs to slow down. I'm getting red flags and thinking that I should run off but I still like her for some reason.

I start chatting with some other guy in the bar. He's talking about relationships and how he just got out of a 14 year one and asks me a question about ex's. He asked what I would do if one called me up. I tell him that the longest relationship I had was off and on for 3 years with a girl I didn't really like and other than that the longest has been 3 months. When my ex's call me I usually don't care cause we never really got that close.

We both reflect and talk about which is worse: Never having a loving caring long lasting relationship and being emotionally numb and indifferent towards your ex's or having a long healthy relationship, getting close and things not working out in the end?

We decide that we can't really say because I've never been in a long relationship and don't know what it's like except via imagination and his relationships are always long and he always cares about the girl afterwards.


7pm rolls by and still, no girls. I leave and go to the Old Miami.

I see no girls during my walk to the Old Miami and when I get there the only girl is the bartender. She's cute. I order a Jello shot cause I'm not sure what I wanted and she gets me two. Which was nice of her. I don't remember what we chatted about, just that I never hit on her or flirted.

I didn't even try. She leaves and a new bartender comes. Also cute. I'm chatting with her and she tells me I'd come in once and I was really drunk but she would've known except for me telling her I was and that I just wanted water. We laugh about it. She's talking to me and the guy next to me and we're joking about relationship issues and talking about comic books and other things. Somewhere in there she says she has a boyfriend.

A group of guys and girls come in and order drinks.
The bartender is back over chatting with me and asks what brings me out. I say I'm depressed. I'm trying to get over a girl and meet new people, but the girl sitting next to me I'm not into, the girls next to her I assume have boyfriends and I'm just not in the mood to put forth any effort talking to them. I say the bartender is pretty cool and kinda cute but she has a boyfriend, so I sit here and drink my drink alone.

She says that it's hard to find a relationship and people are kinda closed off. I say I know. We start talking about something else. I finish my beer and I leave. I'm at the Bronx... every girl there was with their boyfriend. I order an orange juice and notice that it's too late to catch the bus home. I call harold and ask to crash... but I just get his answering machine. I call Hayley and get her answering machine as well.

I walk to the bus stop and call the bus line and the office hours are closed. So I call a cab... I don't want to take a cab. I call harold again and he says I can crash and Hayley texts me saying she's in a loud environment and not at home. I say it's cool cause I'm crashing at a friends.

I get really drunk at Harolds and I'm talking to Hayley on facebook. She doesn't respond and then I get all depressing and shit. At some point I apologize and say I'll leave her alone.


So, this morning I wake up and see what I said. I apologize to her and say I was pretty trashed last night... but she wasn't online and I don't really expect her to respond to that anyway. I'm pretty sure she's done with me.


And now I'm still alone and depressed. I still don't know where the fuck to go to find girls around here. And I'm thinking about suicide again. I also blew all my money on alcohol and I feel I should stop drinking. But it's very difficult when I have no friends and don't know anyone. I end up going out to the bar to meet people and I never really meet anyone except once in a blue moon.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Chapter 24 a rose is a rose is a rose

Previously in the life of chime: Chime had attempted suicide after falling into the deepest depths of depression he'd ever been in. Losing his job, striking out with the ladies, having a life that seems out of control and runs on chance.

After a stay in the hospital He lied to the Psychologist and made it out of there without entering the psych ward.

Sympathetic his sister, Celia, offered to let him move back in and sort his life out.

All of this matters. All of this effects how one approaches women and makes friends. It influences your minds state.

......................................................................


So I'm at my sisters and she'd told my dad about the suicide. He acted really indifferent about it. But the next time I saw him did his on the surface idiotic nonsense and said "What's wrong. You lost your job or got beat up or something?" I glared at him and said "You know what happens when I get beaten up." My sister kinda chuckled and stopped. There was an awkward silence and she said "So... how about those browns?"

Rewind a few years....


I was 15 years old. I had moved out of my mothers house and was living with my dad. I ran track and was on the soccer team. And kinda half ass dabbled in Martial Arts, but nothing really serious. There was a girl, there's always a girl. Danielle Champ. I had a crush on her but I was too shy to talk to her, to anyone really.

Okay, the girl doesn't really matter, here... kinda, but not really.

I was at my dad's cause my mom had flipped out and attacked me with a shoe. I took the shoe and threw it in the other room and she'd tried to strangle me. I help her arms up so she couldn't and she pressed down with all of her might as I held her arms up at her wrists. I dropped and rolled into the next room and shut the door behind me and called my dad on the phone. He showed up and I left and went to his house. This is why I was living with my father.


So now, while living there there was a door. It led to the computer room. He'd lock it when he wasn't home so we wouldn't look at porn. I needed to use the internet for my home work and found out if I slammed into the door and jiggled the knob it would open up. One day I fucked up and broke the door.

My dad was pissed and beat my ass. I had 2 black eyes. He had thrown me on a chair and pounded my face in. I moved in next door at my Uncles house and there was one more day before Some break at school. I had a final to take before the break. I went to school wearing make up. I had horrible black eyes.

In school I saw Danielle and tried to avoid her. She ran up to me and asked what happened. "I fell down some stairs." I said. She knew I was lying and that I didn't want to say. At lunch she sat with me and we didn't say much but she was comforting to me. When School let out she asked me what I was going to do and where I was going. "I'm going to the gym." I said. She wanted to come with me and I said "No. I have work to do." She said "Cause you fell down some stairs..."

I went to the gym and went to the punching back and kicked it with a hard round house. I did it again and again. I lost count after about 100. I used my other leg. over and over. Some guy was taking turns with me on the bag. He was a boxer. I asked him to teach me how to box and he noticed the black eyes and was more than happy to help. We trained all day. He left and I stuck around and trained and trained. The gym closed and I went back to my uncles.

The next day I trained and I met a tai kwon do black belt. I trained all damn day.
I ran into Charles one day as I was on my way to the gym and he helped me train too.

6 months passed of me learning how to fight. I'd never been more focused on anything my entire life at that point.

Eventually I moved back in with my dad. One day I broke a trophy he had. He got mad at me and I said "Let's go outside." and walked out of the house. He didn't land a single hit on me. I gave him two black eyes and I think I broke one of his ribs. He was down and on the ground and I said "Are we done yet?" He stood up and I beat him to the ground again.

I went back to living with my uncle again. I still went to the gym to train everyday. I wanted to learn how to fight different.

about 8 months passed. He tried to pick a fight with me. I walked outside. He was guarding his sides for a Round house kick, I jumped in the air and did a double side kick. I landed and kick his ribs and hit him with a jab cross and lost it. I blacked out and I came too with my uncle pulling me off of him telling me to calm the fuck down. I stayed at my uncles for a while before I moved back in with my dad. We didn't fight anymore.

I still trained over and over, relentlessly.
When I was 21 and he was kicking my older brother and sister out of the house he was threatening them physically and I was at work. Someone called me. My boss told me my sister was crying on the other line and terrified and that I should go home and make sure she's alright. So I did. I walked in the door and saw my dad shaking his fist in my older brothers face. He looked over at me and I stood there and glared at him. He got out of my brothers face and left the house. I made sure they were both alright. Then I stepped outside and he was there saying he didn't want any trouble. He was afraid of me.


So, when he asks if I attempted suicide because I got my ass beat I reply "You know what happens when I get my ass kicked." and glare at him. Cause he knows. He knows not to ever threaten anyone around me with physical harm. He knows it wont be good for him.


I don't really want to talk to him. He's not trying to help out my situation at the moment really.


Time passes and things wear off. I'm having trouble finding work and my sister is getting annoyed. I've been going to this thing called "fight night" with my younger brother. People there play Street fighter and such to practice for tournaments.

I get my income tax and pre-order Marvel vs Capcom 3. A lot of people from fight night have plans to have a release date party. The release date is 2-15-2011.

My little brother has this friend who gives him a ride there. Darshawn. Darshawn will pick me up too since it's on the way. We'll hang out. I don't really feel like I'm Darshawn's friend, he's just some dude that's friends with my little brother and gives me a ride. I assume we have the same understanding about this.


So my sister gets upset that I have no job and kicks me out. I move in with my mom and little brother and everything's pretty cool....


Febuary 14th 2011 rolls by. There's a midnight release for MvC3. Darshawn picks up me and Zach and he's with his girlfriend, Rose.

Chapter 24 a rose is a rose is a rose will be continued. I got a funeral to attend.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

#24 a rose is a rose is a rose
Part 3

Darshawn Shows up with his girlfriend on Valentines day and picks up and my younger brother Zach for the midnight release for Marvel vs Capcom 3.

Darshawn is overjoyed that he's got a girlfriend. He's been dating her for 2 days. Her name is Rose. He's SO excited. We're hanging out waiting for this Midnight release. Zach, Darshawn, Rose, Me, a few people we knew from fight night. After the game is released we're going to go and play MvC3 all night.


While we're hanging out everyone is making fun of Darshawn as he attempts to put his arm around Rose. They're laughing at him and making him look like a fool. These are supposed to be his friends and they treat him like this. This gets to me, I'm rather upset about it, but then I think . o O ( my friends sucked too. That's why I don't try to make any anymore ).

I'm the only one there who isn't ragging on him and making him look like an ass in front of his girl. I'm not defending him either though. I'm just there.

Rose is polite to me and Zach.
At some point while walking back to Darshawns car I slip on the ice and fall on my back and everyone's laughing at me. Rose helps me up and asks if I'm alright but says nothing to the rest of the group. I say I'm okay and thank her for her concern. I keep walking and we get to the car. Everyone is making fun of Darshawn and I say something positive about the guy that's very true and undeniable [I don't remember what] and everyone shuts up for a moment. Then they go back to ragging on him again.

Rose tells Darshawn she wants to go home and he get's me and Zach in the Car and drops us off at the 24 hour coffee shop. Cause I had preordered my game in the wrong spot. I get a refund to get my cash back and figure I'll preorder it at the other spot instead.

Me and zach kill time playing Marvel vs Capcom 2 while we wait for Darshawn to come back.
When he arrives he's got tears streaming down his face. We know what happened this day, February 14th, Valentines day. We know.

Zach is making fun of the guy and being an ass. I'm Telling him it's not a big deal, he only dated her for 2 days. He's telling me he's upset cause things never work out for him. I tell him there are other girls. He's crying the whole ride to the store. He's bitching and opening his heart about how he's not good with girls. He's talking about how he was in love with her. I tell him he didn't even know her that long he wasn't in love. He's saying he was. He's upset and he's finally tells us what we all know: She broke up with him on Valentines day.


We arrive at the store. I preorder my copy of MvC3. We wait and get our games. We don't go and play it afterwards cause Darshawn is our ride and he's so depressed he just wants to go home.

Me and Zach play MvC3 with our friend Mike [who also knows Darshawn]


It's been about 3 weeks. We've all been playing MvC3 everyday getting ready for a Tournament at fight night. We all have our teams. Mine is Spider-man, Dormammu, Ironman. I'm at the library reading up on the game and learning more about it. On facebook I have a friend request. Rose. Hmm...

I add her. She starts talking to me. She's being really chatty. Not a very flirty girl... just chatty, but I can tell she's interested in me. I'm also talking to Darshawn and he's still depressed but not as depressed. He's talking about my team and his team and how to make teams in MvC3 and the logistics of it all. He's excited about the tournament.

Me and Rose play the question game. I had recently learned it. From this forum actually. The rules are you can't ask the same question someone asked you and your questions must be something that reveals something about the person you're asking and no silly things like "what's your favorite color?".

I ask Rose how many guys has she dated. 3 or 4 I think she said and she tells me a little bit about it. She asks if I'm a virgin. I say no. I ask what's the furthest she's gone with a guy. She says making out. I tell her "You might be too innocent for a guy like me. I don't want to corrupt you." She says she's not and she gave a guy a hand job once. I say I'm not so sure about it all. She asks how many girls I've had sex with. I say I don't really wanna say cause then I'll look like a slut. And she says that I'm not playing by the rules of the game and I say 23.

Darshawn is talking about Rose now and saying that she's such an innocent church girl and she's waiting until marriage before she has sex. I tell him that that's not always true. That girls in church may say that but they'll sleep with the right guy if that guy does the right thing for them.

Rose says that 23 is a lot and that girls must like me and I must be doing something right. I tell her I'm not exactly proud of it or most girls I'd slept with. She says aw and asks why I'm not proud of it. I tell her I don't want to talk about it mostly but I prefer a certain kinda girl and had rough times and trouble saying no to girls. She tells me it's my turn. I ask what her fantasy is for losing her virginity.

Darshawn is still in denial and tells me that Rose is different. She's special and pure and wants to wait until marriage before she has sex. I tell him that things aren't always what they seem. I tell him that it's not that people lie as much as they don't know what they want and people change. He says she'll never change the most she's ever done with a guy is make out. I tell him a story about a girl I knew from church. I thought she was pure and innocent. I was in love with her and wanted to date her. Then I found out she'd been fucking everyone in church and since I was pure and innocent at the time she thought I would be judgmental and didn't sleep with me. She liked me but felt ashamed that I was "too perfect" for her and all her "flaws." Darshawn still thinks Rose is different.

Rose Describes how she wants to lose her virginity with someone she cares about. How she wants to try sex out and see what it's like with a kind hearted soul. I'm still talking to Darshawn. She tells me, while I'm not talking to her, that she thought I was a really nice kind hearted person when she'd first met me on Valentines day. She says it was the tone in my voice, the way I cared about my younger brother and the way I didn't let anything bother me. That she thought I was a really great guy that day. I look at this and think about it for a bit.

I noticed the details of how she wanted to lose her virginity and say that maybe we can try it sometime when she's ready. She sends me a smiley face and says "I would love that."

Darshawn is still preaching about how pure and innocent Rose is and how she's different and wont have sex until she's married. He's saying he wanted to get married to her. I'm telling him he's got it all wrong but he wont fucking listen. I'm telling him to get over her and find someone else and he wont fucking listen.

It's Rose's turn. She asks me if I want to hang out on friday. I say I'm not doing anything and that sounds great. We chat some more and I find out she draws and likes to read. I say I'll meet her at the Library on Friday and tell her to bring things to draw with. She asks why and I say "It wouldn't be as much fun if I spoiled the surprise would it?"


Friday.
Darshawn started coming over to my house to play MvC3 with Zach, Mike, and I. We'd practice and practice over and over. Friday he was coming over but I had a date. He knew that, but not with whom. We're playing MvC3 and at some point I'm eating a cookie before the match starts. I tell him "Hey, pause it and let me finish my cookie first." He doesn't he says "All's fair in love and war they say. You should've been prepared." I don't have my hands on my controller and I'm eating my cookie while he's killing Spider-man [my best character]. I'm still eating my Cookie when Spidey dies and now he's killing Dormammu [The character I use the meter with for supers]. I finish my cookie and I'm left with Ironman [the Character I use as an assist but don't do very well with by himself]. He's got three people on his team still and I pick up the controller and say "All's fair??" I kill all three of his characters and start teabagging the last one after the match.

He's shocked. I'm shocked too, I never play well with Ironman, I just use him as an assist. He wants a rematch and I say "you lost, it's Zach's turn." Zach wants him to have a rematch. Zach knows who I have a date with and he's laughing his ass off about it. I rematch Darshawn and this time I murder his whole team with just Spider-man [without using assists]. He wants another rematch. I put Dorm out first and slaughter him. Zach says "Nick's so fucking pissed!!!" and laughs. It's time to go.

I leave and meet Rose at the library. I have my sketchbook and she's got pencils and markers and such.


We're playing a comic book game I made up. One person draws a panel and then the next person draws the next panel and so on and it's like the story teller game. Then I see some guy on his laptop and I draw that guy with mad scientist hair and an evil smile on his laptop with a word bubble of evil laughter and him saying YES!!! Rose laughs a bit. I show her some comic books downstairs with Humberto Ramos as the penciler adn she loves the art. We go back to her place and I meet her sister and brothers and we're hanging out having a blast. I'm in her room sitting on her bed and cuddling. I kissed her and she smiles. Then she gives me a ride home and by then Darshawn was gone.

I'm about to get out of the car when she leans in and kisses me and we start making out. I put my hand on her breast and she feels uncomfortable so I stop. We make out more and then she says she likes me she's just not ready for that yet. I say it's fine and I go inside.



2 days later me and her are driving around. We're making out at every red light. We end up at my house and make out in her car for a while and I say I'm not sure if she's ready or not. She smiles at me and I grab her breast and we're making out while I'm grabbing her tits. I slide my hand up her shirt and unhook her bra and she says she's not ready for that much yet.

the next day she's over my place and no one's there. We're making out on my bed. I'm playing with her tits while her shirts on and start sliding her shirt up and she says she's insecure about her tits and isn't sure if I'll like them. I tell her they feel fine and I like her for her anyway. But I don't take her shirt off, I jsut keep making out and make sure I'm playing with her titties more now. Then I take her shirt off after about 10 minutes and she's a little upset and askign me if they look alright. I don't say anything I just start kissing them and sucking on her tits and then kiss her and say "What do you think." She smiles and gives me a hug.

I ask if she wants to have sex. [I only do this cause she's a virgin]. She says she's not ready yet and I say it's fine and slide my hand down her pants and she says she's never had anyone finger her before. I get her off. She starts giving me a hand job when I hear someone at the door and we stop and I pull her shirt down and we go in the other room. It's Mike and Zach. We're all playing Marvel vs Capcom 3 and she wants to learn how to play, so I teach her. Then she goes hom.


The next day she's over and playing MvC3 with us all day. I ask if she's okay losing her virginity in a car and she says she wants it to be somewhere else. I say okay and we play marvel. I'm done playing and me and her sit on the couch as Mike and Zach play. We're making out and cuddling and she whispers "a car is great if it's with someone special." I make out a little more and then I get up and lead her out the door adn too her car.

we're in teh back seat of her car and she's nervous and tells me. I tell her to just relax and it's okay if she doesn't want to. She kissing me and rubs my cock after I say that and say she loves that I'm always so nice. I unbutton her pants and take them off and she kisses me as I take her pants off. I take off mine. And I pull out a condom and we start having sex.

She wasn't all into it at first. She wasn't letting me go all the way in her. I kissed her and told her we could stop if she didn't want to go any further. She kissed me back adn relaxed. I said I'd be gentle and slide deeper inside her. And then I went slow for a while, but never really went too fast with her. When we were done I asked if she wanted to go again and she said yes. I went a little faster and she was moaning and having a crazy orgasm.

And after this, shit gets fucked the fuck up. It always does in my life.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Mate , i just wanna say i love the sheer honesty here. Your doing awesome !!! Hope you keep doing these journals !

Thank you, I appreciate the feed back. Any feedback really.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

I will say perhaps looking at the 'inner game' section may help you , i mean from looking at your journal your game's real nice , maybe control over your emotions and stopping depressive thoughts (inner game ) is the only piece missing from your puzzle.