Well today sucked.
I was supposed to go to a party. I had met a girl a few weeks ago. She was 'spose to come and hang out with me last week on Monday and said she was busy doing some other shit. I wasn't even that attracted to her, she's a little heavyset. I was just tired of having nothing.

She didn't fucking show up [real shocker...]. So she says sorry and all that and that she'll come over on Wednesday. Didn't show up on Wednesday either. That's fun, I can't even get with the fat chick. She says she feels bad and I should come to her party she's throwing today [well, technically yesterday since it's now Sunday].

Today I sleep in, wake up play video games for a bit. Take a shower and get my hair looking nice. I shave my balls and all that. My hair takes forever to dry [if I don't want it to be frizzy, a towel just doesn't do it]. Then around 12pm I give her a call. No answer. I call again around 1pm. No answer. I try once more at 2pm and still no response. Fuck it, this party isn't going to happen, not for me anyway. So I play more video games and get to the end of Assassin's creed 2 and realize it's a creepy game.

At some point I log onto facebook and she's online so I send her a message in the chat. She doesn't respond. It's 8pm and I haven't heard from her. The money I was going to use for bus fair I use to by cigarettes and something to drink at the gas station.

I see on face book a girl from Canada I went on a date with is now in a relationship with some guy who's not me. I really liked that girl. So, recap: The fat girl doesn't respond or make any attempt to talk to me and I don't go to said party. She's skipped out on the many times she was 'sposed to come hang out with me. Fuck her.

The girl from Canada who's everything I look for in a girl is now dating someone else. The closest I got was making out with her and she said she felt awkward [great for the self esteem].

So... It's late and I have no money to go anyway. I go on OKCupid and browse around... no one seems interesting. Noone I haven't already talked to. And the girls I already talked to weren't interested in me... This is rather depressing. I want to leave the house and go do something at this point, but I have no money. It's too late to go to the park. I feel frustrated.

Why are girls so fucking difficult? I feel like rocket science is an easy concept in comparison. When I'm online or see a girl in person I don't know what to say initially. Saying hello is apparently not good enough. These days out in public I don't fucking bother saying anything to a girl. Everything I've said before doesn't fucking work.

When I'm online I just don't try anymore. Everything I've tried or said before didn't fucking work.

I ask for help and get nonsense. My younger brother says "You try to hard." I want to punch him in the throat, this is utter nonsense and isn't useful at all. He says "I don't ever ask a girl out or initiate conversations. I don't try, that's why it works for me." I hope he falls down a flight of stairs in the near future, what he says is bullshit for so many reasons. When I go about my day I don't try anymore. I don't bother talking to girls unless there's a girl behind the counter of some place I'm buying something. If I'm at the bar I'm not bothering to talk to anyone I just get my drink and drink it and talk to my friend Harold. Doing this, not trying, no one approaches me like my brother claims will magically happen.

Girls give shit advice too.
On OKCupid I resorted to asking why they weren't interested. I wanted to understand what the fuck was going on that's wrong. Some girls said "You didn't try to get to know me at all." Referring to when we had met in person. Then she goes on to say "Leave me alone and stop messaging me or I'll block you." [a retarded statement made by a complete dumbass. If I leave stop messaging her it's the same as if she blocked me, either way I'm not in contact with her.] I respond with "I was trying to get to know you, however you seem to have perceived that I wasn't. What makes you feel like someone is trying to get to know you? I was asking you questions about yourself. Also, your threat was rather silly. If I don't message you it's the same as if you blocked me."

She, as predicted, didn't message back and blocked me. [stupid selfish cunt].

I hate the dating scene. It's easier for women. They'll never admit it. They don't bother trying to help guys out and girls treat you like a piece of shit when they're not attracted to you [which is pretty fucked up]. I hate women for that.

Right now I don't know where to start. I'm 29 and still have trouble with women. I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what I'm doing right. I've read PUG's and it never works out for me. I'm lost and confused and am losing hope that I'll ever be good at this. And I'm starting to hate women more and more each day. I just want to commit suicide.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

You should have dropped Fatso the first time she didn't show up. Canada Girl also blew it. She had her chance. Forget her unless she comes to you.

I don't think blaming the women for not having success with them is the way to go. Spend energy meeting new ones instead of hating the ones that already rejected you. Also, asking them why they aren't interested / what would make them interested is futile. What most women say they want is inherently inconsistent with what they really want.

Online gaming isn't a good way to get girls, for many reasons. Most importantly because you aren't able to convey things with body language and the only way to DHV is bragging.

Yeah... Ashley, the fat chick.... I'm not in my right state of mind I figure.
Canada girl I fucked that shit up. So many different ways to play it. Also, wasn't quite in the right state of mind that day either and it was pretty much handed to me...

I never saw many problems with the internet. You spend less money and for a guy like me who currently has no job in this shitty ass economy that's desirable. It cost money to go out... anyway...
DHV via bragging isn't the only way you can do shit while talking to someone in just written word. I'm sure you were aware of this though. How you react and what you say in context to what's going on displays a lot about someone. e.g. A girl somewhere in the conversation some crazy story about her friends doing "slutty" things and your reaction is nonjudgmental and as if it's just girls having fun.

There are other ways to spin the DHV shit... personally I never cared about DHV, cause it fucks with my train of thought and I end up doing the reverse and DLVing myself. You also don't actually need to intentionally DHV in order to get laid.... But feel free to share your idea's and opinions. I really do listen even if I don't agree.



What I'm getting into now: Stories of times I DID get laid
This is shit that's happened over the years and hopefully I'll be able to dissect it and figure out just what the hell works for me. Soooooooooooooo
1. V-Card.
I was living in Oberlin, Ohio. Home of the very first co-ed college in America. Known for the liberal arts school [Oberlin college and the Oberlin Music conservatory], it's part in the under ground railroad movement, and the busiest FAA center in the states. This is where I went to high school and the most stable thing I can think of while growing up. Despite being born somewhere else and only living there the years I was in high school plus 3 more after graduation I say it's where I grew up. In a sense, it was. First time I went to a public school and the first town I've explored and known so deeply. First place I got drunk, had sex, where I first resisted the brainwashing I was taught in my unbringing and started to think for myself. All I learned about socializing, etc.. It might as well have been where I grew up.

At the time I was 19 years old. I had my first kiss a few months ago, possibly a few weeks ago, at a college party [entirely different story that goes under failure]. At this point I'd lost count of the girls I'd kissed and was still very optimistic about eventually getting laid. How I miss those days. The days where things just seem to get better as time goes on leaving you optimistic and confident everything will work itself out with a little hard work. Those days are going in reverse... all the psychological damage over the years... the hurt. I'm not the same and I need to fix myself, no one else can or cares to.

There was my best friend Eric. He was 16... maybe 15? I don't remember. His dropped him off at my house for the weekend figuring she'd rather have her sun party all weekend with someone who's judgement she trusts over him getting into trouble with people she doesn't trust.

To rewind a bit here I lived with my Older brother and sister, both of whom went to church every sunday and friday nights. I didn't get along with them at the time. Our apartment was a house our uncle owned and had sectioned off into 4 apartments. One our cousin Liz lived in, she was pretty promiscuous. The other our father rented out to have a place to stay when he was in town [he worked in Detroit]. And the last at the current time someone we didn't know at all was staying in.

A week before Eric came over I had gone out to a College party and there was a Brazilian chick I met. Foreign exchange student at the highschool, 17 years old. She was talking to a guy I knew from high school and we were walking to another party. He kept making sexual references like "The noise your shoes make when you walk sound like two people having sex." and I wasn't making any sexual references at all. I just didn't care. I was more curious about Brazil cause I love soccer. I hadn't noticed she had an accent at first and she tells me she's from Brazil and then I ask her a few questions about what it's like over there. We're walking and I'm not saying much... Back then I rarely did unless someone spoke to me initially or I was drunk.

At some point I decided on going home. Before I left I listened to my intuition [I always do this... Okay I had a few times where I didn't listen and that got me pretty fucking screwed]. I gave her a hug and didn't let go till she let go nor did I try to kiss her. I walked away and she said "Goodbye Nick" in her now noticeable accent.


So Eric shows up the next week. Mom wants him to party with someone who'll keep him outta trouble blah blah bah. My cousin Liz is gonna be outta town and knows I was hoping to get laid and she tosses me the keys to her apartment [pretty cool of her I think]. I don't gotta worry about my older judgmental siblings or anything leaking out to my insanely judgmental mother.

On Friday we meet a few girls, get drunk. I'm dancing with a few, made out with some but we didn't go home with anyone that night. He tells me this is normal and it happens and not to fret [which I wasn't]. Saturday night I meet some really cute girl and we're talking whiel Eric snuck behind the bar table and started serving drinks [clever]. I start hitting on some other girl and then feel bad that I hit on the other girl cause I liked the first one so I asked girl one if she was upset and she says "What would I be upset about?" Despite us having a conversation where she looked like she wanted to kiss me the entire time. I'm confused so I politely end that convo and get more alcohol. Well, part ends eventually and me and Eric are leaving, but still wanna get laid.

I see the Brazilian girl and someone's wondering where her friends are cause she's hammered. She looks at me and screams "NICK!" and runs over to me. I tell her I was just on my way home and she says she wants to come along for the walk. I don't remember what we were talking about, but we get back to Liz's apartment and I'm sitting there on the couch talking with her when Eric pulls her pants off and she leans over and starts making out with me. So I get naked and I fuck her... then Eric does too... eh... it wasn't all bad.

She spends the night, Eric is passed the fuck out on a chair. She's sleeping with me. In the morning we don't have sex cause we're out of condoms. Oh well... She leaves and walks home and I feel weird, cause I'm not a virgin anymore. Also cause I lost my virginity to some girl I wasn't emotionally attached to all that deep. I figured this was what sex was like... it feels good but emotionally it's nothing special.

I saw her in town again and was weirded out. She waved at me and I pretended I didn't notice and walked off in the other direction. She had always hung out with this japanese Foreign exchange student I liked. I kinda wanted to date the japanese chick... I had a thing for them in the day. It was weird one time cause I saw them in the ice cream shop, so I just walked right past staring into space and into the library. Worse was when I was with my younger brother 19 -.... who was 10 at the time and I saw her walking do the street waving and smiling at me. I was afraid she's say something inappropriate or awkward around the guy, so I hurried to the comic book shop and hid in there with him.

When I was 21... maybe 22, I don't remember. I had a car. I wasn't living in Oberlin anymore unfortunately and was dating the 3rd girl I'd slept with [really stupid idea...]. It was pretty on again off again sort of deal. I drove out to Oberlin to visit my friends and randomly ran into teh Brazilian chick. I didn't feel as awkward around her and she was still into me. I gave her a ride to her friends house and we made out at some point in my car. I hadn't found a decent place to park the car and have sex though. And I made a mental note of everywhere a person can park a car out in oberlin if they wanna fuck after that day [which helps with understanding how to simply find an isolated spot in a foreign area as well].

And that was the last I'd ever seen or heard from her.
I'll reread this later and try to figure out what there is to take from it and where there is to discard and never do again.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Yesterday.
I leave the house with money my Dad gave me. I'm supposed to buy and inner tube for the bike with it. I went towards my friend Harolds house and bought 2 24oz PBR's [two for $3]. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I realized I showed up way too fucking early. 3 hours too early, he was still at work.

It was Sunday and a lot of options for killing time were out of the question. So I go by the fire pit... too wet to make a fire... eh... oh well. I just sit there, crack open a beer and smoke a cigarette. I'm done with my beer and I don't know how much time I've killed cause the screen on my phone is cracked. I go into his apartment complex cause it's warm and sit on the stairs outside his floor.

People are coming in and out and I feel kinda weird just sitting there like that so I go back outside and call my sister and she's telling me my younger brother suffers from IED [Intermittent explosive Disorder]. It's no secret he flips out like the incredible hulk at times destroying everything and sometimes forgets about it later. Clearly he's got a problem. I had heard about him destroying her house [again]. He had half the building terrified from the noise. It was all because she'd told him she wasn't letting him use the car unless he cleaned the living room first.

He doesn't entirely remember that. The police calmed him down but didn't arrest him [good] and he left with my older brother. They went to a party where Zach [the younger brother] punched a girl in the face and threw her off the balcony. Then the entire party was trying to beat him and my older brother up. Ben and Zach don't have friends. They have fans. They're cool, popular, etc.. and have fake friends who wanna be around them because they're cool and fun. The sorta friends one acquires from pick-up and/or popularity.

They aren't so popular right now and their "friends" they came with bailed on them. The rest of this party is trying to inflict physical harm. Ben was pushed down a flight of stairs, Zach thrown on the ground and beaten. The keys to their car were lost and some girl was trying to help them out and talking to my sister on the phone. My sister threatens to call the police if everyone doesn't back the fuck off. With all the underage drinking going on they all comply and leave my brothers alone.

Zach doesn't remember any of this. He doesn't remember punching the girl or pushing her off the balcony. He says his body is sore and he doesn't remember anything that happened. He's getting worse and it's scaring me that something could happen to him. My dad doesn't understand it and keeps freaking out cause his dad used to go on drunken rampages while he grew up. My dad just cowers and freaks out and worries and isn't much fucking help.

I live too far away to be of any assistance. My older brother has a drinking problem and shitty ass friends. My sister tells them not to go drinking and has tried and tried again and again to help them both but they don't fucking listen and keep putting themselves in bad situations. I guess they love the popularity and local fame they've got going on.


At some point during this phone conversation she get's a call from my mother and has to let me go cause it might be about my younger brother going to seek mental help. He was told he could move back in with my mom under the condition he was psychologically evaluated and got help.


My sister and me have the same concept for how to deal with this that my dad just doesn't get: When there isn't shit you can do about it, fuck it, just enjoy life. Relax. Worrying is only making your mind clouded and makes things worse.

Earlier in the that day I'd been trying to get my dad to watch "It's always sunny in Philadelphia" with me. He was prepping and already prepped house for when the bed bug people came to spray it. The clothes were already bagged up and he was putting the bags in plastic tubs and that was unnecessary and excessive. I just wanted him to calm down, relax, and have fun. He said he was too worried and busy and shouldn't be enjoying himself during these times. For a brief moment he did catch some of an episode I was watching and he stopped worrying and laughed. He was happy. But it was fleeting and he went back to cleaning... *sigh*


Back to the end of that call. My sister lets me go and I'm outside. I'm cold. I ask some chick what time it is, she doesn't know. I go back into the apartment complex and figure I could just read watchmen again. I've got it in my backpack... good way to kill time. I feel weird sitting there reading that on the stair set. I go to walk outside and run into Bridget. She lives on the 1st floor. She lets me in and she's really upset.

Bridget is 50 or so and I'm getting really trashed fucking shitface wasted in her apartment. She's giving me beer. Rolling me cigarettes and talking about some paranoid psychobabble. I feel pretty sorry for her and think she's crazy. I'm too drunk to try and figure out what kind of crazy. Paranoia is definitely evident... whatever, she seems to just need someone to listen to her. She's telling me she wants to feel safe and asks me to lay in bed with her. At this point I'm pretty fucking drunk and I get in bed with this girl thinking . o O (it's alright, I'm just going to lay here and make her feel safe. That's it.). NO!!! that wasn't fucking it. She starts rubbing on my junk and gives me a blow job and I'm drunk and figure "Fuck it" and we have sex...

Dammit... why? Afterwards I realize what I've just done and I feel dirty as shit. I gotta go. She makes me a sandwich and starts babbling about sexist issues and guys sleeping with underage girls and I am too fucking drunk for that conversation plus I feel pretty goddamned violated. We go upstairs to Harolds house and she's dropping really heavy hints that me and her just had sex in an attempt to piss him off [which isn't working. He banged her too during the summer because she tricked him into it with her "I need to feel safe" lure]. She leaves and says something flirty to me and I'm like "Yeah, okay, bye. Have a nice night." and she's gone. Thank God!!! finally.

Harold's laughing his ass off at me. In the middle of his joking and laughing I say "I gotta go to the bar. Let's go." He stops and says "I'm broke." I say "dude, I'll buy you fucking drink, I just I gotta go out. I need to at least talk to some other chick, I feel soo..." He interupts and says "I know. We're going. Northern lights?" I say "How about the bronx, beers are cheaper." He says "I'm driving, Norther lights." we flip a coin. He wins. Northern lights it is.

At the bar there's this short chick Harold's obsessed with. She's pretty cute. I guess 9/10.... maybe 8/10... 8.7. He tells her she's beautiful in a loud obnoxious over the top tone and goes inside. I'm still outside and say I like her jacket. I finish my cigarette and go inside and order a beer for Harold and a beer for me. I run into this guy who's extra friendly and nice. He asks how I'm doing and I'm still really fucking drunk and mention my little brother's IED shit and dude sympathizes a bit and I say "I'm sorry, that's a bit personal and shit." and he's says it's cool and we just bullshit about other shit for a bit and short girl walks up to me and gives me this really intense hug and says something along the lines of "you're amazing" I don't remember, I was pretty drunk. She walks off and I look at the cool guy and say "She's pretty wasted." He says "She's always wasted."

At some point I go outside to smoke a cigarette. I see these two guys and I don't feel like smoking my last cigarette so I ask one of them for a cig following my intuition that tells me they're going to give me one. They do... I loves my intuition. I'm talking about music to the guy who gave me a cig and short chick wanders over and the guy says some really shitty line "Cute treble clef necklace, do you play music?". I don't think he realizes she's probably thinking he was staring at her tits. In my experience mentioning a girl has a nice shirt or necklace, etc. translates to her as "I'm looking at your tits."

She ignores him and talks to his friend. I bullshit with him a little bit and she walks near me and I say "Are you a musician?" and she says "Wow, you're so insightful. You're wonderful" and gives me another really intense hug. We talk about music for a while and I go inside when my cig's done and she says "Why're you going inside?" and I say "I wanna drink my beer." She tells me to bring it outside and I chuckle a little bit and go in anyway and find a seat at the bar next to Harold.

Note: This is a move I discovered a few years back with a girl named Colleen. Leave and have her follow you.

She comes in and sits next to me and gets really close to my face. I know she wants to make out but I don't make out with her. I take a sip of my beer and we're chatting. I don't remember what about. But I pull away a few times and then make out with her. We're making out and she leaves to go outside and I stay in my seat and eat pretzels and drink my beer.

She keeps coming back in and making out.

Eventually she's going home with her friends [good, cause she was pretty wasted. Glad she had a safe ride home]. She gives me her facebook. I find her and she's talking to me all night and gives me her number. I'm mostly ignoring her and pretending to be busy and then "go to sleep" even though I really just go on OKCupid and send messages to hot chicks.

Harold is like "what the fuck just happened?" He's confused that I didn't try to have sex with her and that she was that into me and I didn't seem to care.

I'm listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRx9gnY0Mp0
thinking of kindness, hope, peace, and the characteristics of the main character in Okami [amaterasu]. I'm drunk trying to explain how amazing this song is to Harold and started crying at some point. It was pretty stupid. I went to sleep and woke up at 3pm still drunk.

And that was yesterday.
It's 6pm and I still haven't tried to contact the short chick... I don't really fucking care.
It's weird cause she's pretty fucking hot and I just don't give a shit.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Today was pretty awesome. However a lot of what happened today [technically yesterday, tuesday] started on Sunday. So let's start this tale with Sunday and skim over the important aspects that lead to today.

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!
My dad's worrying about shit and being extreme with this whole bedbug preparation shit. I'm listening to him talk to my sister on the phone and grasp that my Younger brother has some sort of mental disorder where you flip the fuck out and forget it all. The way he puts it and my sister puts it is as if it's not something ordinarily associated with flipping the fuck out by most people. And this is where it all starts.

I don't have time to worry about myself anymore. I don't have time to be afraid of my fears. I don't have time for self doubt. I HAVE to be strong and confident. I've gotta figure this fucking shit out, I can't worry about my own insecurities and self doubts and all that other bullshit. My siblings and me, we're getting older and eventually our parents are going to DIE. My older brother doesn't have his shit together, my younger brother doesn't have his shit together. I don't have mine together either. I want the best for my Siblings. My sister's been bearing a lot of the burden and taking care of us and eventually she's going to break under this stress and pressure.

I looked into Zach [the younger brother]. I go on web MD cause m dad's being too much of an emo bitch wallowing in self fucking pity to be of any use at the moment. I'm trying to figure out what the fucks wrong with Zach. I can't really figure it out right away. Instead of pushing myself into a pointless search, considering my sister will eventually tell me, I check on another part of problem instead: ME.

hmm... Depression. Well, yeah I know I'm depressed [cause who doesn't know they're depressed when they're depressed]. It has some advice and pointers, mentions symptoms, blah blah blah. Tells you where to seek help and some other shit that involves professional paying people money [that I DON'T HAVE] shit. AND... it tells you some stuff you should and shouldn't do if you're gonna try and work this shit out on your own. Good.
Do's: Hang out with friends, work out more, get a hobby, meet new people, [basically go out and live life].
Don't: Social isolation, drugs, self medicate [pretty much drugs], blah blah blah.

. o O (hmm... maybe this cool down and avoiding people thing isn't such a hot idea. I think I'm gonna go hang out with Harold tonight and shoot the shit) I think. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand off I go, out of the house on my quest to hang out with friends to help with my horrible depression and shit.

In the previous entry it mentions the whole getting money for the inner tube from my dad and blah blah blah blah. so, i did that before I left and didn't bother checking the time. I just kinda didn't wanna be around him with that horrible "I wanna be down and depressed and worry and busy and shit. Stop trying to cheer me up cause I don't wanna be happy." crap. And seriously, he's so down all the fucking time...


Anyway I've got a pack of smokes with me and I'm walking and I think about puttin' a little "swag" in my walk. My lower back hurts and needs a little stretching and working out, so I kinda just move in a way that helps work it out and get all the kicks out without being too flamboyant and over exaggerating the whole ordeal. I walk with my head held high and think about all the fun I'm going to have. I'm also in that "I don't have time to be upset or insecure cause my family needs me at my best" thing going on [their suffering helps my resolve... Really i do benefit from them being in pain because I care too much about them. Good to know caring about others is good for something.].

I walk past "The dirty trick" [a bar...] and there's a cute girl outside with some dude. I walk over and ask if she has a lighter. She says yes and lets me use her light, I pull out my pack of Marlboro Reds light myself a cig and she says [to my surprise] "I'm digging the cowboy killers." I chuckle a bit and say I'm glad I feel safe smoking them cause I'm not a cowboy. She laughs and gives me this flirty eye contact and says something else in a kinda flirty tone and I contemplate enjoying my night at this bar but think of the bigger picture and move along instead. I felt flattered and positive by that reaction however I didn't care about having anything more than just that. It was fun...

I walk past the fox theatre and there's a crowd of girls going to some show. These girls look like they're in middle school. All thoughts about sneaking in or coming up with some plan to gain entry in there aren't there. [Normally I'm thinking of stuff like that too.]. I walk past these ticket scalpers who ask if I want a ticket to the show and I jokingly say with a chuckle "No way dude, you see the girls in line, they look like they're all in the 8th grade." He laughs and say they probably are but he'd do'em anyway, they're hot. I say "That's not my cup of tea anymore, but more power to ya man." And they all get a good laugh and we're telling jokes then I keep it moving onward to Harolds house.

Eventually I'm there and I'm early and this story fades into the previous post.



Monday.
I wake up fucking drunk and still out of it from the night before. I still don't care about the short hot chick from the bar I was making out with. Hanging out with Harold was fun and really did help with the depression. I got more headway on my brothers mental disorder however I haven't figured anything useful about it yet, like how I can help and so on. At least I'm happier which makes me more likely to be successful and more likely to be able to help him out.

Harolds still busting my balls about the horrible fugly chick I fucked on Sunday. I just mention he fucked her too and he'll shut up for a bit and go onto the short hot chick and ask how I can not care about that and I never truly explain it to him as much as I feign ignorance and say I don't care and don't understand and it's weird. I don't completely understand... but I do understand it's mostly part of me wanting to be happy and that apathy is part of it. Not caring what people think and just having fun seems to work out. I care about them and their well being and safety and all that, just not what they think of me really. I enjoy their company and when they annoy or irritate me if it's a big thing I put a stop to it... I'm starting to fine tune all of this and it's not the most simple thing to explain to Harold, who loudly and obnoxiously tells girls they're gorgeous. He acts like a cartoon character sometimes you know.

So, throughout the day I'm pretty much ignoring the shit out of the short hot chick on facebook and fucking around on OKCupid [mostly just ranking girls with 5 stars since it's the quickest way to get them to notice my profile. They'll be notified I gave them a 5star rank and they usually check out mine and give me a 5star back or send a message if they like what I have on my profile... It also lets me see more profiles a lot quicker and work on this other thing I've been doing where I try to get a vibe off them based on their photo. So far I've been pretty accurate, I'll see a girl with a look about her and my intuition says she's my type of girl. I check out her profile and she's really nice, kind, sweet, likes videogames, funny, sarcastic, and/or some other qualities I love in a girl].

Our friend Rex comes over and we're going to go to the bar. First bar we go to there aren't many girls around. Well there's a few but they're in their tables talking to friends and I just don't give enough fucks to bother talking and I'm enjoying my beer instead and bsing with Harold and Rex and some guy outside who's upset because his pregnant girlfriend's going through moodswings on him. He just needed someone to talk to really. At some point we're talking about girls and he says girls are easy. Getting money for a drink isn't. And I decided to accept what he said as true: Girls are easy. It's simple really simple. maybe I don't entirely get it but I'm not going to worry about that just focusing on the "girls are easy" part.

We leave and go to another bar and there's three guys outside and this really hot chick. I asked a dude for a cig and he gives me one and the girl says "Hail satan!" the three guys say it too and I say "Blood orgy!" and the girl has a weirded out look and says "What the fuck?!" like there's something wrong with me and I say "Southpark. Forest critters. Hail satan. Blood orgy." The guy who gave me the cigarette laughs and says "That was a great episode." Looks at her and says "It's cool I didn't catch the reference at first either." The other one jokes that maybe they drank too much and we stand around telling tasteless jokes and bsing for a bit before they head out and I go in the bar.

Later I'm outside talking to this girl and some guy I'm really hoping is gay. I don't remember how this convo got started either. I think maybe I mentioned her coat and we ended up cracking jokes and being silly. The main this was that I didn't really care what the hell I said or what they thought I was just having fun and being social. I go inside and later I'm back outside and they're there again too.

Harold and Rex had came outside at this point. I made some joke with negative undertones that was that Harold didn't get right away and he said "It's cool though cause you got laid yesterday." to which I respond "I thought we were never going to speak of that again. That doesn't count and it never happened." the girl with the coat and her friend [who i hope is gay and not interested in her] inquire about what we're talking about and I say "What are you talking about? What?!" and Harold says "Well that short chick from last night wasn't too bad."

And we end up telling the story of the short chick I made out with. Mostly Harold did and was seemingly still in shock about the whole ordeal. Coat girls laughing a little bit and asks me "You didn't care?!" I say "yeah, it's weird to me too. Hottest chick in the bar is making out with me and I didn't care." Harold says "He really didn't care at all. I don't understand it." I say "I'm just as shocked. In the past I'd be all excited and shit about that sorta thing." We stopped talking about this and the coat girl and he friend are telling jokes and we're being funny and silly then I go inside and Harold, Rex, and me leave. Rex then drops me off at home and I go to sleep.

It was fun cause I had fun talking to chicks and just didn't care how things turned out.



Tuesday [today... okay it was yesterday since it's 01:33 right now].
I had an interview. I wake up and drink this Lemonaid I'd saved from the other day. Yummy delicious lemonaid... mmmm. I go upstairs and my dad's not being so emo anymore [thank fucking god]. I had taken a shower earlier. Anyway i go on facebook and Hayley [short chick I made out with] is online. I send her a message saying "What are you doing this week? I should have a pretty open schedule." Aaaaaaaaaaaand no response. Oh well, fuck her I have an interview to go to anyway.

I asked my dad to give me bus fair to get there and back and get something to eat [which really translates to me indirectly trying to get money to go do stuff in the city, buy a pack of smokes, and walk home]. He, as I'd predicted, gives me a ride and stops at walgreens to get me money, buys me a pack of smokes, then drops me off at the interview. He'd earlier offered to buy me food before and I said I'd rather eat after [because this means I have money to go and do shit and meet new people] so he gives me money instead of buying me food. HAHA! I'm 29 and live with my dad. Yeah, I know, pretty fucking lame... whatever.

No girls at the interview in the bar I care to talk to. Bossman says the bullshit going on with Hockey is fucking with business and come back in February.... shit.

I go walking away from home and stop at another place. I've been bugging these guys on a regular enough basis they know who I am when I walk in the door and what I want. I say I'm here to check on my app and they say they're not hiring as usual. Whatever... I'll be back.

I continue walking, filled out a few applications and talked to some managers and then get to this coffee shop. Few cute girls in there I wander on in. I get a cup of coffee and sit at the bar. I look around the room and there's two cute, yet very busy, girls behind the bar. I just enjoy my coffee and don't bug them. A cute chick in the corner on her laptop, eh... don't care to walk over there instead I enjoy my coffee. I chat with like 3 people while I'm there. One was the girl behind the counter. I said I liked her rabbit earings and she tells me how she made them out of a necklace. The other I saw while I went to the bathroom.

I'm enjoying my coffee and all but I wanna meet new people and this place just isn't working out for me at the moment. So I finish my coffee and walk outside and I see some weird looking store 'crossed the street. Out of curiousity I wander over and find it's a record store that sells and buys vinyls. It's got a door bell you have to ring to get inside. While I'm in there I realize how little I care about records and start losing interest pretty fast. The guy working there asked if I needed help and I said "I just wondered what this place was and had to check it out." and he says something like "feel free to browse" in friendly laid back manner.

I see some girl with a sketchbook on my way out and say [Here's my super elaborate opening routine I cooked up guys. Take notes!!! This is GOLDEN!!!] "What'cha drawing?" [HAHA!!! Great right. OH YEAH!!! Lot's of dhv and shit going on there... I put a lot of work into that one.]
She was pretty friendly and funny and says "Just people I'm seeing around here. I'm weird like that." and me and her chat for a while and she's telling me how she goes to school for animation and I start talking about frame rates and she's saying something and asks if I'm lost and I say "I kinda get it. I play a lot of fighting games. I'm into them to the extend I know the frame rates for the moves a character has." and she's asking me about it so I'm explaining how video games usually run on 60 frames a second and she's telling me how tv is usually 24 frames a second and that 60 is "real time" since it's what the human eye picks up and we're having a fun convo going back and forth telling jokes, sharing interesting facts, talking about things we enjoy.

She's talking about track and field and I'd ran track in highschool too. I'm telling her some story about back in high school [without any intention of displaying any fucking values or anything. It's just a story that really happened]. She's enjoying it and telling me funny stories and I ask for her facebook. She gives it to me. I'd mentioned my old sketchbook and the fun stuff I did in it and she's saying they're great idea's.

She was pretty funny, cute, and silly, and I kinda liked her. I really liked chatting with her so I say "I'm going to the bar next door to grab a drink, you wanna come along?" and she smiles and says "yeah and follows me to the bar." The bartender asks for my id and I show it to him. I also had my older one and mentioned I'd forgotten to smile with my eyes in the new one and he laughs and says "You're smeyesing" He looks at the old one and says I'm totally smeyesing in it and she looks at it and laughs and says "You're so Tyra." We go outside and I smoke a cig while I drink my beer and we're just chatting like we've known each other for years and I feel relaxed.

She's not as hot as the short chick. I definitely like her more though. She's funnier and not always drunk . We go inside and I tell her about this game that's the story teller game [Someone says a sentence, the next person adds to it and so on type of deal] with comic books. So we play this in her sketchbook and end up with a comic where first spider-man has a close up [me], then he's at the beach with a martini but he's fat [she said he let himself go]. I'm all like "man, I've got nothing. I'm drawing a black." and put a rectangle at the top of my box that says "meanwhile" and she says "Dude, that's such a cop out move." I laugh and say I know and draw a picture of Mary-jane crying saying "He left me *sniffle*" She laughs and draws spidey back at the beach with two hot chicks in his arms. I draw a close up of one of the chicks looking really hot with the marilyn monroe open mouth thing going on. This chick laughs again and edits her previous picture so spidey says "Jealous girlfriend senses tingling" and the next panel she draws is one of the girls knockin' spidey out saying "You never said you had a girlfriend!!!" So I draw spidey with a busted up looking face and ripped mask.

Then she looks at her watch and says she's gotta go meet up with her mom for something. So I walk with her and bullshit as she's going back to her car. When we get there I give her a hug [AW YEAH KINO ACTION!!!!] and she thanks me for walking her and says "You better add me on facebook." and smiles. So... I'm not done yet.

I'm off to another bar. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's not really dead as much as the same shit from the coffee shop. Everyone's in groups and shit and already talking to people and I don't feel like opening the groups. Too much fucking work, fuck that shit. I talk to these two indian guys and bullshit for a bit. Finish my beer and head towards home. That place was a waste of my time at the previous moment [I didn't wanna open groups and put in that sorta effort so I was just gonna drink beer and smoke cigs. I wanted to meet chicks and it just wasn't going to happen with my mindset and that setting, off I went.]. I'm thinking . o O (It's always good to know what to tactfully retreat) as I'm leaving.

So, from the bronx too Temple bar.
At this point I just want a cheap $1 beer and I wanna bs with George the owner [gay dude who's really awesome] and see the cat and the dog [seriously this bar is fucking awesome. It's got a cat and a dog in it and the owner's pretty fucking cool too]. I get a beer, pet the cat, pet the dog. I'm siting there drinking and George offers me some hummus he made [and it was pretty good too]. The other bartender is there drinking and one of the regulars is on her kindle. And some couple is there also. So.... no girls worth talking to, but I have $1 beer!!! HAHA!

These two cute chicks walk in the door and sit at the end of the bar and Jeopardy's on TV. Their seats have a better view of the tv and I feel like watching it so I move down and ask if it's okay if I sit next to them [great move outta my playbook. I politely ask if I can sit next to them, oh yeah]. We're watching jeopardy and the girl closest to me says she feels like her grandma, but with alcohol. I chuckle cause I think it's funny and we're answering questions and then they ask what my name is and introduce themselves and the cat comes over. We're all talking about how awesome this cat is [it's so laid back all the time].

The one girl is asking me if I know how to get back at this guy and tells me some story about how she'd worn these 4" heels, a dress, and bought $70 worth of food and cooked him dinner and he said she's just a friend to her but he'd been off and on with her for 4 years or some nonsense and just used her. I'm like "um... What do the heels matter?" [I just don't think it really mattered] and she says something about lookin' pretty. I say that maybe he just wasn't into her and I didn't see anything wrong that he did so far and she ellaborates and tells me some other shit he did [I don't remember but basically fucking all of her friends, her, saying he loved her, and then randomly saying she's just a friend after she does that dinner thing]. I say "Oh! Sounds like he's tying to play you and do some mind games and shit." And she asks if I know how to get back at him I say "Fuck it. Just forget about him and move on." and she says she's not gonna talk to him anymore but still wants to get him back so I tell her this story about my older brothers ex and how I fucked this chick over.

When she was 4 there was some elephant thing she wanted that her mom got, who said she's give it to her as a wedding gift. So years later she's dating my older brother just cause he's popular in the church and they get engaged. I thought she was a bitch and kept telling my brother to ditch her, but he doesn't. Her mom gives my brother the elephant as an early wedding gift.

Then this other dude starts getting popular in the church more so than my brother. My brother's fiance is talking to him a lot and spending a lot of time with him [the guy who's now the most popular guy in church]. She dumps my brother and waits EXACTLY 3 weeks and dates the other guy [big shocker there]. My brother is upset and in tears and I ask [note when I'm telling this story to the girl at the bar I gave an overly exaggerated sinister cold tone for this quote. I like telling stories] "You still have the elephant." He's really upset and crying and gives it to me.

I smashed it into pieces and put all those pieces in a box and gift wrapped that box. And then I started being nice to this girl [who was fake, full of shit, and fooling so many people in the church into thinking she's actually a nice person]. I was nicer and nicer and apologetic about my previous behavior. 6 months later... IT'S HER BIRTHDAY!!!! Guess who's invited... ME!! [in the most cheery happy voice ever I say this next line] I have the perfect gift too!!! [girl at the bar has sinister smile on her face]. I give her the box and tell her that it expresses how I've felt for the last 6 months. She gives me a great big hug and I tell her I want her to wait till she gets home to open it.

Aaaaaaand she didn't show up to church for 3 months and apparently cried horribly and questioned gods existence.
-end story.

This girl at the bar says that it was an awesome story and is trying figure out how to format this. We joke around a bit here and there. Then I stop her and say "The formula is simple: Find something someone cares about and destroy it. That thing cause be abstract or concrete, it's better if it's a combination of both as was the case with the elephant, which is a physical object she's attached abstract idea's and concepts to like sentimental value or marriage." The girl at the bar says that makes sense and they're talking about boy bands and the one without the boy problems [Amanda] says some random band is a boyband technically and I chime in and say the beatles were a boyband and boy problem girl [Micki] says she doesn't like the beatles. I give her a weird look and say "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Amanda says "Yeah, the beatles are amazing." and Micki says "A lot's wrong with me." And we're joking around and stuff again.

Then the two girls get on the topic of celebrities they think are cute and I'm not really participating and Amanda says "We're talking about celebs we think are cute, you're more than welcome to join in." and I say "I think the waitress from it's always sunny in Philadephia is pretty awesome." Micki's thinking of it and Amanda says "Yeah, she's kinda cute and has that nice look to her." and I say "She's pretty funny too, really sarcastic and does the dry humor thing really well." and they both seem to think it's cool that I even noted personality as a reason to find someone attractive.

George gives us all drinks and I don't remember ordering one, but sometimes George is generous. I'm drinking my drink and we're still talking and joking and Micki seems bummed and says she wants to find a guy who'll sleep with her more than once that's not an asshole and I say "I'm sure you'll find someone: You're cute, funny, smart, and sarcastic. I'm sure lot's of guys like you." She doesn't really disagree as much as she kinda says she's just meeting the wrong guys or something of the sort. Amanda adds me on facebook and Micki gives me a card for her business and I put it in my coat pocket and I'm leaving to go home.

I stop at another bar instead... I wanna meet more girls and have more fun conversations.
There's some black guy that seems desperate to fit a stereotype in the bar sitting next to me. I don't know this yet. We're just talking about sports and then randomly Micki and Amanda show up at the bar and see me and I'm like "Hey, fancy seeing you here." They're standing by me but there's only one chair by me so I pull up another one and they sit down. We're joking and stuff like before and the black dude is acting like they're the hottest girls in the world and saying some really cheesy nonsense. . o O (Well, this surely builds up the ole' self esteem) I think to myself [cause this contrast of me not giving any fucks and just talking and having conversation for the sake of the fun vs this due trying too hard to get with this girls and making a big deal about it really does make me feel better about myself. Like I'm really not so bad at this when I'm just me. It's not about being yourself, it's about being comfortable being yourself and not worrying about what happens. You'll at least be happy and make lots of friends].

Black dude seems to get frustrated and he leaves and I'm thinking . o O (I'm soooo glad I don't fit black stereotypes and I'm comfortable being my own person.). I finish my beer and I'm leaving and Amanda asks if I'm leaving, I say yeah and offer a hug. Amanda, Micki, and Me have a group hug and I knocked over a beer in the process. I pick it up and clean it up. It was Micki's but she didn't seem to care or want to drink it anyway. While I'm cleaning it she says "don't worry about that, it's the bartenders job." I say "When I make a mess, I clean it up always. If it's someone else's mess, they can deal with it." and I continue to clean it and I'm done and she says "Well, I guess that makes sense." and I'm leaving.

Note: the mystery beer from the previous bar, as it turned out, was purchased by Amanda for me. I felt loved.

I walk home. I add Adele [the sketchbook girl] on facebook and accept Amanda's friend request. I don't feel like looking for Micki. Hayley [short chick] responded something to my message but I just don't care to check it. I start writing all of this.

And I'm going to go smoke a cig, see if I have more lemonaid, and go the fuck to sleep.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Wednesday...
I'm online talking to Hayley, the short girl that's really hot and she's askin' if I wanna go ice skating with her and her friends. I said it sounds like fun and told her I was going to some thing where I meet the people in my building cause they had snacks and drinks and such and tell her to call me. Mind you, my phone is still fucked the fuck up.

I wander down stairs and find out there's wine...
for free. I didn't care much for most of my neighbors and drank a shit ton of wine. One girl was a stuck up bitch and said something selfish every 3 seconds and I'm thinking . o O (Okay, she's hot and all that but this bitch is a total cunt. I don't wanna talk to her) and I didnt go out of my way to speak to her and drank more wine.

I eventually met two neighbors there were pretty cool and down to earth. Most of them were actually cool but didn't have much in common with me or didn't say anything I cared to talk about. Only one of them was a bitch.

the party was 5-8. Around eight I went back home. I had brought some wine with me and was REALLY fucking wasted when I go on facebook and send this to Hayley

"Hey, I need to level with you: I think I have a drinking problem and I need to cut back. I don't know you that well but get the vibe you drink too much too. I mean, you're pretty fucking hot, I find you attractive but I think you drink too much. And you don't respond fast enough to messages.

Let's just be friends. I met this other girl [who I'm wondering if she likes me or not. I'm kinda nervous about but she's right up my alley]. I like her. I don't know what's going on or if she likes me and so on. I just feel a connection with her though and she doesn't drink all the time.

I guess I'm saying I want to be friends and I do think you're hot and attractive but I don't feel like I connect with you. I want something more than a girl I ust wanna have sex with.
well... I don't mind just having sex with a girl. I just have strong moral obligations to not have sex with a girl who wants more than just being friends who have sex. So..... I like this other girl. I'm really nervous and shit about it and want her a lot. I think you're cute and would be friends with you but right now all I'm interested in with you is friendship and sex. I just wanna be upfront and honest about it. I hate when people lie to me so I'm always honest."

So... sounds like the words of a drunk man. I also send this to "the other chick" [Adele]. While I was still wasted.

"I don't know what to say really here. Well, I ran into you and had a lot of fun. connected. You were fun , funny. I liked talking with you and you're cute too.
Then I wnet about my day and met some other girls, they were cute and we talked and well I was bored. Plus I think they just wanted to be friends anyway [okay I'm a little insecure... shhhhh]. Anyway... um... when can I see you again? You're amazing. I feel kinda weird saying this but I haven't really felt much of a connection recently with girls I met [maybe I'm being too honest here...]. But I did enjoy hanging out with you . Um... I wouldn't mind just being friends if you just wanna do that, but I do think you're pretty cool [and hope you're at least flattered by that]...
Yeah, I'm gonna stop talking now..."

And then I realized . o O (Hey, I'm really drunk and I'm on facebook. I probably shouldn't be on facebook while I'm really drunk) so I got off of facebook and drank the rest of the wine I'd brought back from the "meet your neighbors" shindig from downstairs and got drunker while wondering . o O (Do I have a drinking problem or am I just really fucking bored today?). I decided I was going to test that theory the next day and I found on netflix they had the 2nd season of the avengers cartoon. Awesome! I started watching that and avoided the computer.

I tried to sleep and that didn't work so I started watching it's always sunny. Then I watched the rest of Avengers.

Thursday...

Still hadn't sleep and I was watching the rest of Avengers when my dad wakes up and asks if I wanna go to I-Hop and get something to eat. Fuck it, why not.

Later I'm back at home, not a little scared to check my facebook. I get to the last episode of the avengers cartoon [last of season 2... might have to check for season 3 online] and he wants to watch football. I'm currently doing nothing and thinking about that alcohol thing. I feel down and depressed a little cause I don't have shit to do.

I don't wanna check my facebook either. So I watch football [okay, if you're wondering about the football on a thursday thing there's NFL replay where you can watch every game during the season after they've been played and that's what he was watching]. I used to love football, but this shit's getting kinda boring. I wanna play video games and I considered working out... I get bored and go out and smoke a cig and realize that I don't have a drinking problem I have a boredom problem. If I don't have shit to do I get depressed and need to find something to do. If alcohol is around and I'm hanging out with jackasses I don't like I'll get wasted, but the times I've been around alcohol and people I DO like I didn't get wasted.


Eventually I checked my fucking facebook.
Hayley said
"okay thanks for beng honst
being*
don't drink a lot, but it has been my escape
and I am busy at times so I'm not sure if your approaching this the right way, but if your only attracted to me by my looks then I understand
just tried calling you. hopefully we can talk soon. take care"

Soooo I said

"No, I think you're cool... just inda in a friendish kinda way.
And I was REALLY drunk yesterday. They had wine at that thingy yesterday
Hench the really tactless blunt straightforward speech pattern"

Then I saw that Adele had said
"That's really flattering, I'm glad I didn't bore you XD Idq about dating, especially since I'm going back to Florida in a fortnight. It'll be harder for me to make it out to detroit, but there's a couple shows I was looking into attending at the majestic, so that's a possibility."

Which made me feel really nice. Kinda warm and fuzzy inside. I said she should let me know when she's coming into town cause I would definitely like to hang out.

Then I didn't bother with my facebook for most of the day and later saw Hayley invited me to some tree lighting thing [I don't know what the fuck it was]. When I saw it she wasn't online and didn't respond when I sent her a message [whatever].

The rest of Thursday didn't really matter. Eventually I got some sleep.


THE LAST DAY ON EARTH!!!
I was dissapointed by the lack of Zombies, falling rocks, earthquakes, etc. Seriously today was really fucking boring for the end of the world. There weren't even riots out in the street.

I sent some Message to Hayley asking if she wanted to hang out and then pretty much watched the rest of it's always sunny on netflix. I mentioned, in my message, that I'd actually stick around to see her message back on facebook so I didn't flake out on the plans again since my phone is being retarded.

I watched the Avengers on blue ray [the movie, not the cartoon show, this time] and got to the end of season 7 of it's always sunny [:(... no more on netflix... *sigh*]. I looked for it online and realized it's a pain in the ass [Hey, if you know where to find it let me know. I don't feel like looking for that shit, but I'd really appreciate it if you pointed it out].

Hayley, around 8ish or 9is says she was out christmas shopping all day but she's fine to hang out tomorrow. And we talked a little bit, joked around and shit. Then I just sorta stopped talking.

I'm 'sposed to call her tomorrow and then we'll go do something. She said she's down to come over and watch a movie [which would be nice. I'd like to have someone to cuddle with while I watch a movie] and she wants to have a jam session at some point [also sounds pretty fun].

After that I started writing this shit and playing soul Calibur.

While playing I noticed sometime about gaining the favor of others in fighting games. If they suck ass and spam the same moves over and over and you consistently used the move that beats their spam they'll bitch and complain that YOU spam [football analogy is a Defense that's dumb enough to blitz every play complaining that the offense is spamming deep passes every play and whining that it's "cheap" and lame]. However if you find alternate solutions to defeat their spam they stop bitching [Defense always blitz in the middle so the offense does short passes, deep passes, runs to the outside, screen passes, etc..]. Usually they stop the bitching at this point.

Generally I don't care, if I consistently win I don't have to say anything and I don't nor do I change to cater to losers who complain instead of trying to figure out how to play better.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Great read, I love your approach to girls, no gimmicky crap!!

But seriously great read. Im actually like feeling for you genuinely, things will get better man. I find myself thinking like ooohhh shit is Hayley gonna bail or is Adele??!? Pretty interesting lol. Guess it just shows that as you said (or somewhere I saw in the field reports) which so true being comfortable with being yourself is all you need.

Im rooting for ya mate

_________________
Live. Learn. Love.

Gimmicks are stupid. I'd rather just be me and try to be comfortable being me.
Thanks for the support

Edit.....
That being said there is more to picking up chicks than just being yourself. I just think all the gimmicks make a person look and act like a clown for no reason.

I'm an Introvert and I'm not going to pretend to be extraverted or fake being an extravert. I don't feel comfortable being overly out going all the time. I've tried it before and pretty much broke down and went crazy. I was at some party hanging out with people I'd met while being that extraverted crazy guy most PUG's tell you to be. And all these people at the party were expecting that guy they'd met to be there. I was tired and exhausted from being the center of attention and always being that crazy extraverted guy and I just couldn't keep it up anymore. At the party I was myself and it threw people off. They were expecting mr. social and they kept bugging me to tell them some exciting tale about my life or come up with a fun game to play and putting all this pressure on me to be their fun and excitement and I left to go smoke a cig. People outside were bugging me too. So I just left the party cause I was going to have a fucking panic attack if I didn't.

So, fuck gimmicks. Fuck being something you're not. Just work on your flaws an try being natural and not worrying too much about the outcome.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Friday
Well, I wake up and got something to eat and then hopped on facebook.
Hayley's online and I was just about to call her . She says she's coming over. yey.
Fast forward roughly 5 hours later she's still not hear and somewhere in this conversation steak and wine was mentioned. I said I didn't have any wine but I could cook some steak [which I actually had sitting out to thaw]. She offered to buy the wine [oh... she's nice too. I like nice girls].

So, I'm stalling on this cooking the steak nonsense till about an hour passes and she says she's in the cab on the way over to my place. I start cooking the steak and then when it's done I go downstairs and there she is. We walk upstairs and into my place and my dad's playing the piano [oh yeah, 29 still living with ma dad...]. I introduce them to each other and he wanders upstairs and me and her eat the steak and we're joking around [not making fun of each other or stupid shit like that as much as just saying sarcastic and or silly things].

She doesn't have wine and wants to go and get some and we walk to the liquor store where she buys jameson and wine and as we're walking back into the building some of the neighbors are on the outside of the gate and didn't know they could get in the building the back way. We let them in, they had pizza and beer [fucking AWESOME]. While we're on the elevator it turns out the nieghbors live on my floor too [seriously, this is amazing]. They live in 413 and I'm in 415. Hayley and I are invited over and she shares some of her jameson and the neighbors share their beer and pizza and we make new friends [so much fun and I got pizza!!! I love pizza!!!].

I show the neighbors my place and they're commenting on the differences. The girl is upstairs chatting with my dad while Hayle, Robbie [the neighbor], and me are downstairs dicking around on the piano and talking about "the hunger games" and "50 shades of grey" [which just so happened to be sitting on the piano]. Rob's saying how he used to make fun of his buddy for reading the hunger games till he actually read it and started screaming "No katniss, you went with the wrong guy!!!" and we're getting a laugh out of it.

Back to the neighbors for a bit and then I asked Hayley if she wanted to come back over to my house and watch a movie. Somewhere in all this me and her started making out, then I asked her to come over to my place... I don't remember, lots of booze involved.

We're watching a movie and smoke a cig or two. Then I asked her out. I told her I felt bad about saying I just liked her as a friend and she said she figured I was probably really drunk when I'd sent that message. We don't actually watch the movie and she asked if I wanted to hang out with a friend of hers and I ask if she wants to spend the night instead and she says she would love to.

And we're fuckin'. Then we cuddled for a bit and started having sex again. Somewhere in there I realize we're not going to get any sleep if we try to sleep naked cause she's too fucking hot and likes sex as much as me. So I get my pajama pants on and we cuddle and go to sleep.

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!!!!
I wake up next to one of the hottest girls I've ever slept with thinking . o O (awesome... she's really fucking funny, hot, likes sex, really nice, just all around amazing.) and we just cuddle there for a bit before we actually get up. Smoked a cig somewhere in there and started watching It's always sunny season 8 [she showed me this link where I could find it]. We played Soul Calibur V and I kicked her ass picking funny characters I made. After I pick Charlie the Unicorn we started talking about the youtube video and I find she's never seen llama's with hats.

So we watched llama's with hats. Then we watch happy tree friends. Then Charlie the unicorn. Fun times, it was like hanging out with a friend, who happens to be really hot and a chick. Somewhere in all of this she said she likes that she can be herself around me.

We're about to take a shower and she asked if I had conditioner. I laugh hysterically. Then I say I have 4 different kinds. We take a shower together, and fuck in the shower, then get all cleaned up and pretty up our hair.

Later we go for a walk and end up at subway where she buys me a sub [she's so nice ]. Then she calls for a ride home cause she's got shit to do but I'm 'sposed to hang out with her tomorrow at her place.


I have a girlfriend!!!! and she's really funny and insanely hot and nice and pretty fucking awesome.
Note: I never intentionally used those retarded DHV's, IOI's, IOD's, NEG's [what kinda asshole neg's someone they like?], or really any stupid gimmicks. I was just nice and didn't make a big deal about shit. Nothing matters enough to make a big deal about it.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Man I wish I could fully stress how this is what pick up should be!! Two people get to know each other REALISTICALLY.. Not in these weird fucking random ways with routine stacks and crap.(I so agree with your post on being yourself)

Respect man. I think your life is going to get x10000 better. Your completely on the right track. I love the honesty, your attitude, I fully get you. I only would want more people to just be this way. Realize that women are just people, that if you accept and appreciate them sincerely, you'l go places naturally. No need for all the other crap

Congratulations by the way lol. She sounds good, careful though!

_________________
Live. Learn. Love.

Why thank you. I'm so happy this all worked out, I seriously thought it was just going to be a friend coming over and hanging out and watching movies and then we ended up dating and having lots of fun.

I really despise bullshit, hence I hate the whole DHV, IOI, IOD, etc. bullshit. If a girl starts playing these stupid games or a guy is trying to be the "alpha douchebag" by playing them, I just ignore them and talk to someone who's not a retard.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Another story from the past [Cause I have a girlfriend now and I'm not going to go out trying to pick up chicks].

Girl #2.
Number 1 was a girl from Brazil who's name I don't kno.... Gabby, just remembered. It's mentioned in an earlier post in this thread. I'll start where that story left off.

Wondered around town, felt awkward whenever I saw the girl blah blah blah. I still went to parties but felt weird about the "I'm not a virgin anymore" thing. Fast forward roughly a year [a little less than that, basically skip over summer].

I had a Xanga Account and there was a girl I was very much in love with named Ashley White. Most of my Xanga account at this point was full of blogs written about how much I liked that girl and what I did through out the day [usually a lot of nice things to people, skateboarding, going to work, whatever. It was a journal that told the story of my life and had my thoughts on things].

Somewhere in here I added a girl Named Ashley Buchanan and some girl named Liz [who was 14] added me. I was 21 at the time [so... okay this is a bit more than a year. I was 19 when I lost my V-card but it was nearing my birthday... it had to've been in september since my b-day's in october. But I was 21 shortly after my birthday when I moved out of Oberlin. So roughly a little longer than a year had passed]. Anyway previously during the past year I'd spent a lot of time going to parties, making out with some really hot japanese chick, getting in situations where I totally could've gotten laid [a shit ton of times, I might mention that life later] and not getting laid because I didn't know how to pull it off really.

So this Ashley B chick and Liz read what I write and say I'm really sweet. I leave comments on their entries that're usually me just being nice and they keep trying to get me to date them [cause I'm nice... hmmm]. Ashley starts getting extra sexual with me and asking me to come down and visit her and have sex and I'm like "but I love the other Ashley and I'd feel really bad about it." and she tells me it's no big deal cause I'm not dating her.

At some point I lie to my sister and say I need to go to Kent state to check out the school [prospect student I think it's called] and she let's me use her car. I had lied to Ashley B. Also and said I'd slept with something like 23 girls [it was actually a realistic figure based on all the times I could've gotten laid but didn't and then subtracted by one third assuming I'd never be in all the situations if I had gotten laid each time].

My cousin liz goes down there with her boyfriend Keith and me so the can bring the car back. I go to this girls dorm and this time when we started making out I climb the ladder [as I like to call it]. Kissing, groping, removal of clothing, fucking, in that order using common sense and intuition to know when it's cool. If in doubt climb up a step and if she's not cool with it go back to where you were [except I hadn't learned that much at the time] and play it cool.

And me and Ashley B are fucking on her couch. Then she's listening to Radiohead Hail to the theif and I'm all like "what's that. I like it, never heard it before." So she tells me it's radio head [which is my favorite band... one of em. these days]. We're watching American History X [also, never saw it] and end up having sex. Then we're watching it again cause I was actually into the movie and she tries to have sex with me again and I'm like "Wait till after the movie I wanna watch this." She's grumbly and cranky but watches the movie anyway, then we go in her room and have sex. She's sleeping naked, me too, and we occasionally wake up and have sex.

Somewhere in there I come clean and tell her she's the 2nd girl I've slept with. And she's mad that I lied. This was day 3. I didn't get laid anymore and she said she hates being lied to.

I call home for a ride but there's some horrible snow storm. So I call work and tell them I might be late the next day. My childhood friend I'd been reunited with the other day at work drives through the snow storm [ballsy] and picks me up and takes me home. Me and him play poker and I win $100. I gave him $50 it.

Ashley B. Stops being mad at me and says she understands why I'd lie about such a thing and wants to come and visit... but I realize I don't really like her. We kinda fall outta touch and I still feel dirty and stupid.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

No is on my level.
That's what I thought when I was a kid. However my concept of "level" wasn't defined as something 1 dimensional what is implied the majority of the time people say something ghetto [and fairly insecure] like "Get on my level then talk to me!!"

Usually they mean something that could be described in 1D much like how most guys rate the physical appearance of a girl [as if there's some universally accepted standard on what is attractive and what isn't (My friend Harold loves a girl with big Double D titties, an abundance of make-up, high heels, fake nails, spray on tan and to me most of those things aren't appealing and some even gross me out a little. I prefer A-C cup that're nicely shapen, a healthy body {not anorexic nor disgustingly fat... however I don't wanna be with the incredible hulk either}, make-up is something I've never appreciated, high heels are stupid, and spray on tans even worse)].

It's also usually implied that they're on a higher level and therefore better than you [yeah, that doesn't scream insecure when they feel a need to announce such a glorious status]. It's such a simply, yet stupid, idea that people one dimensionally either suck a lot, a little bit, are okayish, okay, sorta cool, awesome and whatever based on some universal "level". Ghetto retards who say shit like that should do the world a favor and drown themselves in the nearest body of water they can find.

So, when I was a kid I actually thought of "level" wrong but was thinking of sorta a cube [actually I imagined an infinite sphere]. I figured going up or down was traveling, one dimensionally, between two extremes. But there were 3 dimensions, depth, height, width. So I never figured what each direction was really. Just that it didn't matter where you were on this thing everyone was pretty much equal, just different.

I thought this cause my cousins picked on me for reading a lot, or not liking basketball and preferring soccer, or knowing how to cook and sew, or playing more video games than them, or rarely using conventional means to accomplish a task [not that I was rebellious. I figures if the dish washer is full and I have more in the sink and a whole kitchen to clean why not soak the ones in the sink and start on another task so that by the time the washer is done other tasks were completed and I can save time and effort and put the soaked dished in the washer. But NOOOOOOOO this wasn't smart it was weird and stupid or "lazy"], etc. etc..

I figured I'm different and they always claimed they were better than me. I knew I wasn't as good at basketball cause I never bothered to play cause I fucking hated it! However there were more of these idiots in favor of that than me who was good at soccer and knew none of these assholes had a snowballs chance in hell against me in soccer, but it's cause they didn't play it or care to. They demeaned my sport and said it was stupid. I never said basketball was stupid, just that I fucking hated it and personally didn't like it [it's okayish... now].

They were different.
I was the odd one. I refused to change and be sometime I'm not. I just distanced myself from them and my sibs and enjoyed my video games, soccer, running, and whatever. Figuring "no one is on my 'level'" or near it, thus it's difficult to make a connection with people. Oddly, these days the most useful asset I possess to making connections and friends with others is the idea that everyone's different and no one's better than anyone.

When I treat people as such they always seem to want to be my friend. Cause who doesn't like to be treated like an individual?

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Those are fucking huge posts. They're well written and funny, though, so I just got through all of them.

Glad to see things working out for you, man. Grats on the new gf.

Thanks... however things aren't actually working out...


Sooo.... here's what's happened since I last posted here.
Hayley comes over, we eat some steak and hang out and she ends up spending the night and we're having sex. I wanted to sleep naked with her cause I like cuddling naked... however she we ended up having sex over and over and not actually getting any sleep. So to fix said problem [since I seriously wanted to sleep] I put on my pajama pants and t-shirt and she does also gets dressed and we cuddle up and go to sleep.

Next morning she's still sleeping when I wake up and I don't want to wake her but I go downstairs and get some juice. Eventually she's up and we take a shower together. She asked if I had conditioner... I laughed cause I have 4 different kinds of conditioner. Strategically we do the 1. wash the hair and comb it 2. put in the conditioner [which needs to sit for a while] 3. wash up and get each others backs. 4. have sex while the conditioner is still sitting in the hair 5. rinse out the conditioner and rinse off the sex juices 6. dry off and enjoy being extra fresh and clean.

I was pretty happy. I had an amazing girlfriend. She was funny, really nice, hot, everything I want in a girl really.
And we go for a walk and end up at subway. At subway we're talking and somewhere in this conversation she asked about my mom again. The previous day she'd asked about my mom and I said I don't talk to her and she asked why and I said she tried to stab me. But I didn't elaborate cause I didn't wanna talk about it really.

So she's asking me about it again and I tell her that my mom's been through a lot and wasn't the greatest mother while I was growing up. She didn't do drugs or anything, but she's extort us for money and make threats like "If you don't give me money then I'm grounding your little brother and taking his video games away." She kinda gathers that I don't really want to talk about her and stops asking about her.

She mentions she's been through some rough times too. Recently she got out of a 4 year relationship that was fine in the beginning. However towards the end he destroyed a lot of things in her house and slammed her against the wall and went crazy. I'm starting to see why she's asking me so much about my mom and how why my mom tried to stab me. It didn't all sink in right then.

We end up talking about fun stuff after that and walk back to my house where she's waiting for her taxi to show up. I walked her out to the taxi and kiss her goodbye and she goes home. I was still very excited to have such an amazing girlfriend.


The next day I remembered how I
edit:.... fucking cat. I just got a cat a few days ago. Its my sister's cat... I'll get to that in a moment. Cat posted my post prematurely. I love the cat... but sometimes she pisses me off.


ANYWAY...
The next day I remembered how I let myself become a cold emotionally distant asshole not so long ago.
Not long ago I had a mentality that I should avoid people. I also started to hate women. I didn't want any emotional attachment or connection. I had actually come very close to succeeding and the main issue was that my last girlfriend was a girl I would've liked normally. Rose, a girl I dated in 2011 for a few months around spring and summer. I never felt anything for her... it was so dull and empty... I thought I wasn't able to feel anymore. Really i did that to myself.

What happens next is why I ended up not wanted to feel.

I go online and I'm talking to Hayley. She says I should come over later. I'm excited to come over and hang out. It's Christmas eve. My phone was still cracked and I still couldn't hear if someone called me. She knew this. She said she was going to be out shopping for a bit but to come over around 8ish. I didn't know where she lived... just the general location. She said she lived by the Bronx bar. Around 7 I show up by the bar, I had got dropped off. The bar was closed... grrr.

I call her. Rung a few times and went to voice mail. I'll wait and call again I figured. I walked to the liquor store and buy a condom and had this horrible feeling as I was buying it. I felt like I wasn't going to be using it that night nor that I would use it on Hayley. I didn't like that thought and tried not to think of it. I went to Circa bar and called her again. Still went to voice mail, I left her a message saying where I was and that I couldn't hear my phone ringing since it was still broken and that I'd call her back later.

While at Circa I ran into Bridget... fucking Bridget... The girl that I fucked the night that I met Hayley. Bridget is pretty gross... She says hello to me and asked what I was up to. I remember after me and her had sex she went rambling on about how she's really a lot better in bed normally and she really loves sex and blah blah blah and me thinking . o O (Why the hell did I just have sex with her? God.... this is pretty horrible I really gotta find someone worth while.}. So when she asked what I was up to I say "I'm waiting for my girlfriend to get done Christmas shopping before I swing over to her house." And Bridget looked annoyed that I said that and asked me if I had heard that Jim died.

Now... here's a pro tip for life: Being honest is wonderful and all that, but don't always tell the whole truth. Especially not to crazy girls that want your nuts and have had a history of making shit up and doing horrible things out of spite.

Jim is a friend of mine and Harold's who I met about a year ago. Really great guy. One of the kindest souls you'll ever meet.

I tell her "Yeah, Harold told me." And she says "Yeah I'm really upset about that. You gotta be shaken up by it."
And I say "Well, that's the thing. I'm not upset. I wonder about that sometimes. My best friend in Cleveland committed suicide and I wasn't upset be everyone else was crying and depressed about it. My grandpa died and I was the only one at the funeral who wasn't upset about it. Death is never upsetting to me and I wonder why, cause these are people I miss and really care about." See that. What I said right there. Don't tell people that. Ever. They assume you're some deranged serial killer when you do. Or an emotionless sociopath who doesn't care about others.

I personally think it's just that I accept death as something that eventually happens to everyone. I'm not afraid of dying and never have been. With this acceptance I don't have trouble letting go when people around me die and it just never upsets me. I still care but others don't always get this.

So Bridget lectures "Well I once had a dog that died and I was really upset about that, but this is a person and I'm really upset about losing a person." as if I'm some horrible monster. And then she finishes her beer and storms out of the bar. If only I knew how much trouble I'd cause myself just then.... fucking Bridget... what a bitch.

9pm rolls around on this Christmas eve and the bar closes. I call Hayley again and the phone goes to a busy signal. I try again and again and again and keep getting a busy signal... seriously a busy signal for a cell phone?

Whatever, I catch a bus and go home. She's not on facebook. But I tell her I called and got a busy signal.


The next day when I see her on facebook she says that she jumped into the relationship too early considering she'd just gotten out of a 4 year relationship. Now I don't know what made her think of it that way. If it has anything to do with me or something I have no control over. I don't really care anymore. Trying to figure it out seems fruitless and more trouble than it's worth considering the resources I have and my being upset by it. I'm not in the right state of mind.

She says we can still be friends and see where things go but no more sex. I say that sucks cause the sex was fun and she says we can still have sex and puts a smiley face at the end of that message. I ask when she's free cause I miss her and she says sometime after the first.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12